My Personal Lens

Hair today

2012-02-06T18:08:00.000-05:00

I had a great weekend. My son and his girl came down from Rhode Island for an over night so we invited my older son and his wife to come over and we all had dinner together on Friday night. I just love being with the kids and to have them all together. It feels like old times and new times, too. I love the women that my sons have chosen and how well everyone gets along.

On Sunday morning I went along with my husband to do the church run with his mom. Because I was in the car this week, my MIL was all sweetsie to my husband. So that was a good thing. We dropped her off and then decided to go out for brunch and do some shopping at Whole Foods while we had time to kill. It worked out perfectly. Next weekend his brother is coming to take his turn.

I went today to get my first post-chemo haircut! My hair has come back more thick on top than it used to be. I wasn't sure if I even had enough hair to cut, but my kids said that I did. And I sure enough did as the hairdresser took off about an inch in the back where it was all scraggley, and just trimmed the top a little bit. She even used the curling iron even though she didn't get much hair around it.

I am thinking I MIGHT ditch the wig tomorrow and unveil the new do. I am feeling uplifted by a simple haircut, but when you haven't had hair it means so much!

Sunday - Sunday

2012-01-29T21:17:00.000-05:00

I certainly agree with folks on here who say how hard it is for my MIL to give up driving. OMG, I can't imagine if it were me, but someday it will be me. It is another one of those milestones that everyone dreads and it makes life much more difficult for all involved. I do feel badly for her. But she has had 3 accidents in the past few years, the last one being the worst and involving crashing into an on-coming car because of an illegal left hand turn. It was her wake up call and she needs to heed it.

Today my husband went to pick her up for church. Church is the hardest place to get her to. She goes to a church three towns away from where she lives and we live four towns away in the opposite direction. My husband had an 80 mile round trip to take her to church.When he arrived there she came out of the house in an angry fury. She got into the car and proceed to yell at him all the way to the church criticizing his driving and insisting on taking the route she is accustomed to. My husband found that the route she has been taking went through a very dangerous high crime part of the city! HE was uncomfortable driving through it and was aghast that she had been driving that route alone.

He dropped her off at church and then she was getting ride with a friend to go to lunch where he would pick her up at 1:30 P.M. Because he had time to kill, he met me at my mom's house and we all had some lunch together.

My husband left right after lunch so he could pick up his mom like she asked him to, but when he got there she was still eating and hadn't even shopped yet. So he had to wait for her and then she insisted she needed to go to another grocery store for yet more groceries, even though his brother took her shopping at two grocery stores three days ago. My husband took her as he wasn't going to argue with her.

She continued to criticize his driving and his brother's driving all the way home telling him that they had no right to say anything about her driving. She also told him she had been reading up on safety laws, which is a moot point now.

After my husband left to go pick up his mom, I had stayed and visited my mom for awhile. When I left her apartment and as I was walking down the hall, I got choked up. I wanted things to be different. I wanted my dad alive, my parents living back at the house and our Sunday dinners. I wanted my FIL alive and MIL able to drive. In the moment, I hated all of the changes that have been going on. I started to cry and then realized my mom would be standing at the window waving to me was I walked down to the parking lot. It breaks my heart every time I leave and see her standing at the window.

I could not let her see me cry (she is so worried about my health, she would think there was something I wasn't telling her) so I just put a smile on my face and waved to her as I walked by.

Heart to Heart

2012-01-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

It had been a few weeks since my husband visited his 90 year old mother since she told him to "butt out" of her life. It was very hard for both of us to back off, but he felt he needed some space from her as he was feeling so upset and hurt about how she had been treating him. They were e-mailing a little bit and talked on the phone once, but the incident was never discussed.

During the time away from her we were on the phone talking quite a bit with his siblings trying to figure out what the next step should be. All of us are a bit scared of her. She has always been an intimidating woman and we were leery about opening up the subject yet again only to be shut out.

I aslo spent a great deal of time on the internet looking for more information about the subject with hopes that I would find a magical solution to the problem.

I discovered a book called Elder Rage -How to Survive Caring For Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. It was a riveting true story that I could not put down. I would read parts of it out loud to my husband and he couldn't wait for me to finish reading it so he could start it. It made us feel not so alone with our concerns (which do go beyond just the driving issue) and gave us some good insight and resources. We were feeling more ready for a face to face with her.

One sibling lives only a couple hours away so he agreed to come down so we could all get together and try to talk to her once again to make her realize the consequences of her behaviors.

We planned how we would approach the subject with just plain love and support and no matter what she said we would not let her push any of our buttons or say anything to her that would be taken as combative. We would stress how this is a time for our family to be connected not torn apart since it has been so hard the past few months since her husband passed away and my cancer treatment. We went over and over things we wanted to stress and had made our plans to meet over the house with her this week.

My BIL called her and made a plan to come down on Wednesday. She was thrilled to have him come visit. I can imagine she was missing her sons, since neither one had been in touch as frequently as they usually were since the blow up. We planned to meet up with him at her home in the afternoon.

I woke up Wednesday morning with a very nervous stomach. I thought about all I have been dealing with surrounding my cancer and treatments and decided that I would not make this situation more scary than all of that. I faced cancer and I can deal with her!

She was very happy to see us. I know she is very concerned about my health and immediately she wanted to know how my treatments were going and how I was. The night before my husband and I had discussed that it seemed like she was two different women. One the kind and caring mom and the other independent woman who would run over anyone who threatened her independence.

We weren't there very long before we were all sitting in the parlor having a cup of tea and my BIL approached the driving topic. It was hard. She became defensive telling us her driving was going so well and she was being extra careful. She felt the doctor and the driving evaluators were both wrong and that she had the right to disregard their recommendations. We went over and over the legalities of the situation. We went over them again and then again. She disagreed. We talked some more. We were talking for over an hour.

No arguing. We kept bringing everything back to the legal issues and how she would not lose her independence because she could not drive. We talked about all the alternatives available and how we were there to help out any way we could. She didn't want to burden us she said. We had our own lives. We told her that she was no burden and that being worried sick about her driving was a much bigger burden to bare and that all the grandchildren were upset as well.

We told her if she didn't believe us about the legal issues than she needed to call her lawyer and find out for herself. She said she was going to.

She excused herself for awhile and there the three of us sat feeling like this had gone better than we ever imagined. I was proud of the my husband and BIL. They did a great job.

In a little while she came back into the room and suggested that we all go out to get some Chinese food. I imagined all kinds of endings to the situation and none of them involved going out to eat! So we did and we had a great dinner and a very pleasant time.

My husband stopped by to see her today. She was more quiet than usual, but she didn't bring anything else up. Neither did her other than he would be picking her up on Sunday to take her to church.

We are making baby steps. She still has a car and could still drive if she felt like it. So we are taking it slow, hoping everything is sinking in and that we can have a weekly schedule for her using the town mini- bus as well as driving her ourselves.

I am praying selling the car will be next- preferably her idea.

Update

2012-01-22T13:30:00.000-05:00

Last week I went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health as far as my infection goes. After 2 weeks of some strong antibiotics taken 4x a day my radiation scars and infection sores are looking good and the culture was negative! I felt so relieved. It was nice to have good news, great to see how good my skin was looking, and happy that I didn't have to take more rounds of medicine.

I have been going to the radiation department every week since Dec. 7, my last treatment, to have the wound checked and now I am officailly discharged. I asked about going back to swimming at the physical therapy pool, but the doc said to wait a couple of weeks before I do that. Scar is still a bit pink and the chlorine so strong. I think I may even wait a bit beyond the two weeks to be sure.

My hair is coming in thick on the top of my head and wispy,long, and curly in the back. I stopped by to say hello to my hairdresser last week. She came over and hugged me and said that it had been so long which had made me cry. I think I will go in to see her in a couple of weeks and see if she can give this new growth some kind of style. It is now sticking out from under the wig so I think the back needs a trim.

The MIL continues to drive. We are planning a sit down with her this week. I hope it will make things better and I will concentrate on that thought.

Baby u can't drive your car

2012-01-07T15:30:00.002-05:00

2011 ended in a family crisis that is going to be the focus of our new year. My 90 year old MIL who was in a serious accident this summer has refused to listen to not only her doctor's recommendation that she no longer drive, but has also ignored the report of an independent driving evaluation which also recommended she not drive. She is determined to "take back her independence" with such fire that she went out and bought herself a new car without telling any of her children.

We believe that the doctor is legally responsible to report her to motor vesicles, but many doctors do not want to be the one to do so preferring to leave it up to the family to reason with their loved one. There is no reasoning with her. At this point she believes her children have "poisoned the minds" of her doctor and the driving evaluators.

Because she is so angry with her children, she has forbidden her doctor to communicate with them about any health issues.(The driving situation falls into this category). Due to privacy laws the doctor must comply and all communications have ceased between the adult children and her doctor. We have no idea what action he has taken if any.

She has told us to butt out of her life. This coming from a woman who needed my husband to move into the house on at least two occasions to take care of her when she has come down with illnesses, and was her caregiver when she was in rehab for one month following her accident.

I find dealing with elder issues so much more difficult than it ever was raising teens. Our hands are tied right now. We are scared out of our minds for her safety and for the safely of the public at large. This situation is causing us undue stress and heartache and it is the last thing we need considering all that we are coping with with my cancer treatments.

To hug or not to hug

2011-12-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

Since I came down with the infection and upon the advice of my doctor, I decided for my protection and for the protection of my family and friends that I would stop hugging people. The doctor said that I am more at risk from catching something from others than they were at getting my infection, so I decided to be diligent about keeping my personal space.

The first big hurdle was going to a family Christmas party on the 18th. I knew that there were going to be 40 of my relatives there and if you know anything about Italians, they hug and kiss upon arrival and departure. I thought that maybe I should wear a sign saying no hugging, lol! But I got there and every time someone came over to me to hug, I quickly put my hands up and said that I couldn't accept hugs because of my health. It was awkward, but I kept it up and I managed fine. Then when it was time to leave, some people forgot and came over to hug me again and I had to remind them again.

Before I went to the party, I wondered how I would feel about the hugging thing. I found that I missed hugging the people that are the dearest to me, and I felt relieved not to have to hug those folks that I didn't feel close to. My whole life long it was just taken for granted that we all hug if we are related. So I learned something new about myself, that I want my hugging to be authentic.

I didn't worry so much about the hugging when I went back to work, but I had not realized how much hugging goes on there. Due to the holiday everyone was in a hugging mood and due to my health lots of people wanted to hug me and wish me a happy and healthy New Year. So I had to turn away many hugs. But it wasn't so easy at work. Some people stopped by that used to work there (they didn't know about my diagnosis) and wanted to hug and were absolutely offended when I said I couldn't. I needed to tell them that I was under treatment for cancer and that was the reason at which point they softened. I would have not shared this information normally, but felt inclined when I saw how offended they became when I said I couldn't hug due to flu season and low resistance.

Two co-workers came up to me from behind and hugged me sayings," I know you don't want hugs, but I want to hug you anyways." They just didn't seem to get it. I had to let it go. A couple of hugs were not a big deal, I know. It was just the point of not respecting my wishes.

Now it is interesting to me how people just take it upon themselves to invade your space and how people are insulted if you don't want them to. I guess it never occurs to people that something that feels so good could cause harm.

Actually, when I got my wig, the hairdresser told me not to let people hug me because it could knock off the wig and it would be very embarrassing. I soon learned that everyone wants to hug a cancer patient and they are so quick that it is impossible at times to stop it. So I took my chances and was not assertive. This time around though, I knew to be quick about it and to stick to my guns!

I know they say for good mental health you need to have at least 12 or more (or something like that) hugs a day. That is just fine, but you need to be sure that the person you are hugging really wants to hug you back. :-)

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

2011-12-28T17:02:00.000-05:00

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

Update

2011-12-26T19:37:00.039-05:00

Christmas Eve was spent at my sister's house. She made muscles with shrimp and baked shrimp. I made my grandmother's recipe of chicken with olives, capers, and sweet fried peppers. We had rice, broccoli, Italian bread and an assortment of desserts. My older son and daughter in law came and we all had a nice dinner with my mom and my sister's in-laws. It was warm and cozy and wonderful. It felt like time was suspended for an evening and I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. I loved that feeling.

Christmas Day was at my house. I invited my husband's family, and my younger son and his girl were coming from out of town just for the day. We had a smoked Vermont spiral ham, bake macaroni and cheese, asparagus, salad and another slew of desserts.

Everyone enjoyed the dinner and we had a wonderful day.

Too many hands in the stew

2011-12-17T14:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was two years since my father passed away. My mom had a nice memorial message in the local paper and we all put up our own on our individual Facebook pages. I was up early yesterday morning and found my self sobbing because I miss him and sobbing for all the events of these past 10 months. I was feeling emotionally drained.

This week was one of the tougher weeks for me. Since my last post I have discovered that I have an infection in the burn wound. It is quite a mess as I have been saying. It was my primary care doctor that gasped when she saw my wound who confirmed the infection through a culture. This was less than one hour coming from the radiology nurse who checked my wound and said, "Keep doing what you are doing." They have been watching me like a hawk in radiology, but failed to notice that things were turning bad, very bad. I was worried, they reassured me. I let myself be reassured even though my gut didn't think something was right.

When I called radiology the nurse was embarrassed they "missed something" and then complained about "too many hands in the stew". In my mind, thank goodness there were more hands in the stew because now I was going to get the right kind of care.

When I went back to radiology after hearing about the infection, I thought for sure they would give me a new cream as the cream I am on has not helped one bit. I have been on it for a while and they kept telling me it was the best one to be on. I was shocked that the nurse said I should continue on the cream. So this time I decided to be clear that I was not going to use that cream anymore. I wanted to try something else. She told me about a new over the counter medicine that they had seen good results with, but it could only be found out of town and insurance didn't cover it. I didn't care. I would go anywhere and spent what I had to with the hopes that I would get some relief! It was $28.00 for a small tube, but as you will see, it was well worth it.

I tried the cream that night and the very next day when I took my shower I was not wincing in pain when I washed my wound. I could not believe how fast it worked. It still was sore, but nothing like it was. I was so happy, but I realized that had I not spoken up I would still be using that crap cream and my skin would still be stinging.

I am on an antibiotic now and with the new cream to help soothe the wound, I am praying that I am on an upswing.

Set back

2011-12-14T20:17:00.000-05:00

I have hit some set backs this week. My burns are not healing up too well and they are causing much discomfort. On top of that I came down with a case of the shingles. They are large and itchy and painful. So far I don't have that many, and I hope since I have been on the medicine a good 48 hours now that I will stop breaking out!

When I went to my primary care doctor on Monday to have her diagnosis the break out, she looked at my burn wounds. She gasped when she saw them. Granted, as a primary care doctor she doesn't deal with radiation patients, but when she gasped, it confirmed what I was experiencing.

So back to the radiation nurse tomorrow with hopes that she will give me a stronger cream and that the burns will soon heal up. I am doing my best to stay patient and to keep my spirits up, but I am really anxious to have my skin heal.

I am going to work every day and just trying to focus on what I need to get done and not think about the pain. So far that is working.

Best wishes to me

2011-12-07T18:31:00.000-05:00

Today was my last radiation treatment! 33 treatments over 7 weeks. When I sat up on the table after the last treatment, the balloon above was waiting for me anchored by a little bag with a blessing stone. The technicians and the nurse hugged me, and I cried. They gave me their best wishes for a happier and healthier new year.

I think it always startles people when I cry because they always ask why am I crying? Same thing happened the last day of chemo. Both times I said that I was relieved that it was over and that satisfies them.But I think for me it is more than that. I am crying for everything. Crying that I had cancer, crying over the treatment, crying because of everything that is associated with cancer and how it has changed my day to day life.And relieved that I got through another phase.

It surprises me that people don't realize that, but I guess you wouldn't if you have never been through it or are not much of a crier. I am a crier and I am OK with it.

My skin is a mess. I have open wounds that are raw and stinging me every second of the day. I am still going to need to stick to the regime of creams and ban on certain products until my skin heals. When my skin heals, then I will feel like I am done!

But there is no grass growing under my feet. I will be back at the hospital tomorrow for my Herceptin drip. Every three weeks until the end of May. And then there is hormone therapy. I still have a long way to go. The technicians asked if I was going out to celebrate.No, I am not celebrating. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that it is all done and over with, but for some reason it is sort of anti-climatic. I still have lots of treatment to go, so I will wait until that last treatment of Herceptin and then it will be party time!

Burn baby burn

2011-11-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

I woke up around 3:00 A.M. in the morning due to the stinging from the burn under my arm. I was laying there trying to get back to sleep and I was feeling frustrated that the pain was keeping me awake. I was dreading going back to treatment today, thinking that it would be all down hill now.

To my surprise, the technician told me that today was the last day they had to treat the entire breast and that one of the burned areas would no longer be treated so it would start healing. There is a possibility that the area under my arm might not need any more treatment either, but she won't know until tomorrow.

For the next 7 days, they will only treat one area. It will be more concentrated, so I imagine the same thing could happen. I don't know. It isn't like they tell you unless you ask and well I just didn't. I will wait and see what happens. One day at a time. I have some gel pads that the nurse gave me for the burned areas and I am hoping that helps and that I will sleep better tonight.

So it is a bump in the road. The nurse said I am doing well, if all I have is the skin problems. She was impressed with how much energy I had over the weekend.

And for some very strange reason the scale read exactly what it did when I got weighed last Wednesday. That could not be possible with all I ate this weekend. I was wondering if some sympathetic nurse messed with the scale so all the patients would feel good today. lol

Thanksgiving wrap up

2011-11-27T21:40:00.001-05:00

A couple of days before Thanksgiving a friend called to see how I was doing with my treatments and was just absolutely astounded that I was hosting Thanksgiving dinner. She said that it was too big a meal to get on the table while I was undergoing radiation. I knew that I could very well handle it because I enjoy doing it, my husband was going to help me, and most of all I had energy! I am burned and blistered, but when I have things to do, it takes my mind off of how I am feeling. My knees are a problem, but I was taking my meds and pacing myself so I knew I would be able to pull it off. I also gave myself silent permission that if I did need to excuse myself and take a nap, I would.

It really was the least stressful Thanksgiving I have ever put on. I just decided to relax and just do what I could. I did not go crazy over preparing and I asked people for help when I needed it. So simple, but in the past I made it so hard for myself.

I made an 18 pound turkey, a sour cream pumpkin pie, corn bread casserole, green bean casserole and stuffing. My husband made the mashed sweet potatoes and my MIL brought creamed onions. I also bought a small dutch apple pie and my DIL made cream cheese brownies. DIL also brought an artichoke dip for an appetizer. Everything was delicious.

The next day we were invited to visit my younger son's new apartment and meet his girlfriend's parents and brothers and have dinner with them. My son moved to RI in May the day before my lumpectomy. I haven't had the time to visit him up there since. So he was very excited we were coming. We had a wonderful dinner with all of them and got along so well.

I had given my son the dining room set from my mother's house. His new apartment had a huge dining room and he was the only one who could really use it. It made me feel good sitting there thinking about all the Sunday dinners and birthday parties we had around that table and yet sad at the same time. Looking around the table at all new faces sitting there was an odd feeling. Someday those people will be my son's in-laws and I thought to myself that we were starting a new tradition with new family around the table.

We spent the night at a hotel and I had a chance to soak my legs in the hotel hot tub and it felt so wonderful to my aching joints.

Today, we spent the afternoon at a 40th wedding anniversary party for my cousin. It was a surprise party and boy, were they surprised! I love a good surprise! It was great to see my cousins and family and we enjoyed an Italian buffet with a rum cake for dessert. When we were kids my grandmother always ordered rum cakes for parties and none of us had eaten a rum cake in years. It was nice to have it once again as it brought back good memories for all of us.

I enjoyed having a four day break from the hospital! I was hoping my burns would have healed more than they did with the break and I am a bit nervous about how much worse 8 more sessions will make them. But like everything else that goes along with the cancer, I have no control and can only do my best managing the side effects as they arise.

What I feel is very unjust though is that Monday is weigh-in day in the radiation center. I think it would be heartless of them to make us get on the scale after Thanksgiving weekend.!

Thanksgiving

2011-11-23T18:52:00.000-05:00

So this woman has hair! It is coming in pretty slowly, but it is coming in! I am not sure how long I want it to be before I can ditch the wig, but with the fall/winter weather hair this short makes me feel very cold. If it were summer, it would be a different story.

I never completely lost my hair. My husband gave me a buzz cut soon after it started to fall out and I thought the rest of it would fall out as time went on. Everyone said it would, but to me it seemed to be growing a little bit. More fell out as I got further along with treatment, but I was never completely bald.

I am now on my 5th week of radiation. Treatments have been going well. I do have some burning and blistering on my skin, but no infections. Compared to what they see, it isn't too bad. After today's treatment I will have a nice break over Thanksgiving. I get to stay away from the hospital for 4 straight days! The break will give my skin a chance to heal a bit and then I go back on Monday and have 8 more days of radiation! There is light at the end of the tunnel!

I am having Thanksgiving at my house tomorrow. It will be a small crowd. Me and my husband and sons and daughter in law, and MIL and BIL. Just the 7 of us. I am having a hard time with my knees so I am doing as much as I can sitting down. The husband did all the cleaning and he is helping me cook. The kids will do all the clean up. It is hard for me to not do it all because on some level, I enjoy it. But I am finding my stress level is way down not worrying about all I have to get done.

I want to thank all my blogger friends for hanging in here with me. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to read my blog and comment. I get so much from your support and kind words and so enjoy reading your blogs as well.

I have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving and everyday. I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving with all of your loved ones.

More of the same

2011-11-12T13:46:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I had knee surgery, but it was clear that I needed a complete knee replacement in the near future. My doctor didn't recommend it for me because I am under 60 years old and he said if I had it early than that I would need it again by the time I am 80. So for the past few years I have been in pain with my both knees and they have gotten progressively worse. At this time I am in more pain than I have ever been and medicine is not really helping much. At times it is excruciating. I believe this severe pain is a side effect from the chemotherapy on my joints, exacerbated by the fact that I have gained weight during the chemo, and that my joints were inflamed to begin with.

So while I am feeling pretty good post chemo and during this radiation period, the pain in my joints and stiff muscles have affected my mood this week. My quality of life is suffering. I think I am going to have to take yet more time off from work to see the orthopedica doctor. I can not do appointments after work because I go straight to the hospital for radiation. Maybe a cortisone shot would help hold me over until treatment is done. One knee is so sore that I can't kneel on it and I have difficulty bending my leg.

I did go to the massage therapist and she gave me some things to do at home to help my muscles stay loose but that is only helping minimally at this point.

Friday did me in. I was all over the campus touring, then to a hotel for a professional development that I was in charge of. So I keep running back and forth to the front desk for this or that. Then walking around the hosptial for treatment and an appointment with my surgeon. By the time I left her office I was taking baby steps because it hurt so much to move.

I see my surgeon every three months. She is vivacious, warm, and so upbeat. Her energy is infectious and I feel good just having a brief encounter with her. She said that I am healing beautifully. She also said that it was "too bad that I couldn't whip it out once in a while and show people because it would be good advertising for her." When I was leaving, she gave me a big hug, like she always does. And while we were embracing she whispered into my ear, "I am so glad that your hemorrhoids went away." LOL

Here and there updates

2011-11-11T10:16:00.002-05:00

Radiation Update

I am on my third week of radiation treatment. I fell easily into the routine of running out of work at the end of the day and getting myself to the hospital for treatment. Now that I am used to the routine, the treatment doesn't seem to take as long. I think I am there a total of 15-20 minutes, and I get the beam for about 5 minutes. This week I have sunburn under my breast and it is very annoying. While they give me cream to minimize the burning, they don't give you anything to apply that will sooth it. Bummer.

The man before me at radiation finished his treatment yesterday. As he came out of the treatment room and into the waiting room, he wished me luck. Then he turned to me and the technicians and spread his arms wide and said, "There is nothing else left to say." So much is unspoken in these situations. But the silence is powerful.

Art Therapy

I am still attending Art therapy at the hospital. In fact they interviewed me for their hospital newsletter. I don't think it is out yet and I am anxious to read it.

Last night the therapist had us trace a whole body on our paper. Then we had to chose colors or images that represented our pain and put them on the painful part of the body. After that we had to pick a color to go over it that would create healing.

There were only 2 of us in class last night and we went right to work. When we were done we talked about the process. I picked the color brown to represent the pain, because the pain is shitty. When I looked at the drawing and saw the visual of how much pain I am in, I was taken aback. No wonder I have been dragging myself around all week. Then I picked the color purple as the healing color and colored in the whole body, front and back in purple. I picked purple because it is the color of spirituality, the balance of mind, body, spirit.

Then the woman next to me talked about her work. It was so ironic that our bodies were almost exactly the same. We used the same colors for pain and both used purple for the healing. She added orange around the edges to symbolize the light radiating from her.

After she spoke the therapist noticed that all three of us were wearing purple tops, purple, our healing color. It gave me the chills when she said that.

Healing chills.

Secrets

2011-11-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

I have been reading the Post Secret blog for a few years now. ( http://www.postsecret.com/) It is a blog that people send their secrets to, things that they have never told anyone else, and they are posted on this website. It is an anonymous catharsis for many who want to relieve themselves the burden of carrying around a secret.The website took off and there are now Post Secret books and an App for the iPhone and iPad.

I look forward to Sunday mornings when Frank Warren posts the new secrets on the web. I find so many of them very poignant and inspiring as well as very sad at times. Frank has taken Post Secret on the road speaking at college campuses all around the country. I have been keeping my eye on his schedule for a few years and he finally came to CT on Friday night.

I was very happy that the college had power and that the event had not been canceled! It seemed like a great presentation to attend after such a crazy week with no power.

I wondered if we would be the oldest people there since it was held at a college campus. Although we did see some adults who were older, my husband and I were by far the oldest ones attending. I took that to mean that we are just cool old people. lol

My husband does not follow Post Secret but agreed to come along. He didn't know what to expect at all and he was pleasantly surprised. He enjoyed the presentation as much as I did.

Frank Warren is an excellent speaker and shared quite a bit about his own life and how he started the project. He shared some secrets that he could not put into his books due to copyright or content.

At the end of the presentation, they had microphones set up and people could line up and publicly share their secrets with the audience. It was very emotional. One in particular was from a college freshman who was a blond blue eyed beauty who did very well in school. The other students who envious of her brains and looks. She was attending the event with her mom. Her secret was that she has thoughts of self harm and has razor blades hidden in her room. She was very nervous telling her secret and she was crying.

Maybe standing in the twilight lit auditorium filled with compassionate energy gave her the courage to finally let go of her secret. I wasn't sure because she was crying and her voice cracked at the end, but it sounded like she was telling her mom for the first time.

Frank Warren does a great job of making people not feel so alone and creating community. I was very impressed with him. At the end of the event, my husband said he felt like he had just gone to church. I felt exactly the same way. I felt connected to everyone there even though we were all strangers. There was a powerful healing energy from the audience to the people who had the courage to share their pain.

Post Secrets resonates with so many, that is why it has become such a phenomena.And maybe it is no coincidence that the secrets are posted on a Sunday.

Black out

2011-11-05T12:39:00.000-04:00

We just got through 5 1/2 days with no power due to the freak snow storm on Oct. 29. Our power went out on Saturday at 4:15 P.M. and came back on Thursday night.

Since the trees still had leaves on them the snow made the branches so heavy that the trees and branches were crashing down everywhere in our state.

Our wires are underground so we have rarely lost power in our neighborhood in the past. During the tropical storm Irene we were out for 36 hours, but it was August and it was warm so it wasn't that big an adjustment.

So I expected that this time around, power would be back soon and all would be well. I was very wrong. On Sunday we ventured out and could not believe what we saw. Downed trees and power lines everywhere. Power was out all over town and all the towns adjoining us. That means all traffic lights OUT! Driving was harrowing as some people would drive right through the intersections.

Many gas stations were out of power and closed. So the ones that were open had gas lines longer than I have ever seen before. The cars were lined up right in the streets causing all kinds of traffic jams and heated tempers.

Many local restaurants were also closed so it was difficult to find places to get food and when we found places open, the lines were very long.

My 90 year old MIL was home alone. When we got to her house we found that she was managing very well with the fireplace and wood stove going. She is a very independent woman and never left anything entirely up to her husband, so she knew how to light the stove and build a fire. She was able to make coffee and heat up food on the wood stove, so she seemed to be doing better than expected.

When we visited again on Monday, the wood stove did not seem to be functioning properly. The house was a bit smokey. MIL insisted the stove was fine and just a little smokey when it was first lit. To make a long story short, my husband ended up turning it off because it did not seem to be getting better and told my MIL that it was unsafe and that we would take her to dinner for a hot meal. She was not happy that her stove was turned off and refused going out to dinner because it was Halloween and she wanted to be home for the trick or treaters. Well, no parent in their right mind would be sending out kids with no street lights to home and power lines down everywhere, but she insisted on staying home. So we decided to bring her a meal from a local restaurant.

We went back to the house later with her meal and she had turned the stove back on again and the entire house was filled with smoke and she was denying that anything was wrong with the stove. It scared the shit out of me to see her in potential danger.

We called my BIL and he came the next day and took her back to his house out of state so she could be safe and warm. And better still we did not have to worry about her since we had to worry about ourselves.

I found that sleeping with pajamas, bathrobe, socks, a blanket and 2 quilts we stayed quite comfortably warm during the night. But during the day we could not wait to get out of the house.

The whole week was exhausting on every level.

My 86 year old mother lives in Sr. housing. They had a generator for the community room so the residents were down there during the daytime staying warm and cooking food. The management held Bingo and card games to keep them occupied in the evenings, but they all had to return to apartments with no heat. All of my family had lost power so no one could reach out to my mom and take her in and keep her warm at night. When our power finally came back on on Thursday, we went right over there and picked her up and took her home to our house. I hated not being able to help her sooner.

During the day we spent time driving all over creation. It was too cold in our house to stay here so we had to make a plan of where to go to get warm. I started to think about the homeless people and how they have to live like that everyday when the shelters close in the mornings and they get sent out to the streets again. Had the temperatures dropped we would have ended up in a shelter ourselves since everyone was out of power (except for the folks with generators)and no one could take us in. It was a humbling thought.

This situation has caused a great deal of anger across our state since it has taken so long for the power company to restore power. Many homes are still without power today. We had to wait for crews from Canada and Missouri to come and help our electric company. Seems our state didn't pay the out of state workers for their help with storm Irene so they refused to send help at first.

There have been many storm related deaths in our state. People dying from carbon monoxide poisoning from poorly vented generators, bringing gas grills into the house, and some traffic related incidents as well.

Today most of my family has power. MIL back at home with power, and my mom in her apartment with power. I have never been as happy to cook, vacuum, and do laundry as I am today!

Check in

2011-10-25T20:59:00.000-04:00

Just checking in. I have 4 radiation treatments under my belt. They let me change in the radiation room so I have my privacy and I have the routine down so it goes very quickly. I am adjusting.

I had a pretty good weekend. On Sat. I had breakfast with a really good friend I used to work with. Then my husband and I just took off and did some errands and ended up at the last minute calling up a friend and meeting her for dinner. I was gone all day and got nothing done here, but it was good to get out.

Sunday we visited with my sister and her family. I haven't seen her grand-daughter since she started to walk and it was such great fun to be with everyone and play with Z. Then I went home and napped all afternoon. I got up in time to bring down the winter clothes and put away the summer stuff for good.

Do you believe they are saying we might have some snow showers on Saturday night? No, I am not ready for that!

Phase ll

2011-10-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

Last week I went for my radiation appointment. Most people tell you that chemo was the hardest so the worst is behind you and that radiation is so much easier. But I know a few folks who did great with chemo and found radiation very hard. I didn't ask detailed questions as to why it was hard, because I don't want those things stuck in my head for fear that they will happen to me. Once I was in the grocery store and I over heard a woman telling her friend how hard radiation was for her and I pushed my carriage out of there so fast, so I would not have to hear anymore. So I will have to see for myself what my experience will be.

I didn't get off to a great start as far as my first appointment. I sat there listening to the doctor tell me all about the side effects and I started to become uneasy. I don't enjoy hearing all about the things that can go wrong and it drives home the point of how serious and risky all these treatments are even though they have become so common place.

Then they took me in for a CAT Scan. It was not a diagnostic CAT scan, it was a scan that they do to get information to make a treatment plan. It was only 5 minutes in the machine, but I get so anxious in the machine, so I was not looking forward to it. They warned me on the phone that if they had time, they would be doing the scan at the consult, so I came prepared with my sleep mask!

There were many moments of humiliation involved in the appointment. First off they take you to the dressing rooms and you walk out in your johnny into the "inner waiting" room. You are allowed to have one adult wait for you in the "inner waiting" room. So I step out of the dressing room into the waiting room and there are men sitting there waiting for their wives. My husband was in the "outer waiting" room and I think that is where all the husbands need to be! It was so uncomfortable walking out and in those stupid johnny coats and having men there. I had my pants on so the johnny was not flapping in the breeze, but I still had to hold it so my back would not be exposed.

Then I get into the CAT scan room and lay down. I have positional vertigo and had a little trouble putting my head the way they needed it to be, but we managed to find a position that did not cause me dizziness. They moved me in all different ways to make a mold of my shoulders which I will use for every radiation.

At one point, they were taking digital pictures of my exposed breast. It made me cringe. Then they gave me permanent tattoos that they put on your body to use to line up the machines. The tattoos are very small dots, but let me tell you that when they stick the needle in it sure hurts.

So I was very happy when the whole appointment was behind me and glad that they did the CAT scan and I didn't have to come back and do it another day. I took 3 hours off from work to get it all done.

You can imagine my dissappointment when the office called me in the afternoon to tell me that they didn't get all of the information they needed with the CAT scan and although it is rare, this sometimes happens. I had to go back and repeat the CAT scan. They had to do the CAT scan twice more to get what they needed. I am not sure why it was so difficult for them to get it right, but I was just glad it was done.

When I went back for the repeat CAT scan, I told the girl how uncomfortable the dressing room situation was for me. She said all the patients complain about lack of privacy that I was not alone and to talk to the main office. I didn't do it yet, but I plan on it.

I will start radiation next Monday, Oct. 17 and it will last 6 1/2 weeks.

Ever since my consult appointment, I have been a little down trying to figure out how I will gear up for this next phase. I was on a real high when the chemo was done and adjusting to starting all over again with a new treatment with new people, in a new department, a new drill just was too much to think about. Blah! And not feeling comfortable in the environment is not helping. I have been telling myself that I will gear up and handle it, just like I did for the chemo. I still have a week to get into the right frame of mind.

I was at the library yesterday looking for some specific books that were absolutely not cancer related. Since it is breast cancer awareness month they had an assortment of cancer books displayed. They caught my eye and I had to look at what was out there, just in case I had missed a really good one. I looked them over and decided to keep with my intention of not reading any more cancer books. There is just so much you can read about it. The books on display pretty much were filled with all the typical information that I have read about.

So I went looking for the books on my list that were non-cancer related! By accident when I was going through the books, I came across more cancer books and one stood out. It was called: Surviving Cancer Emotionally: Learning How to Heal by Roger Granet, M.D. Now that looked like a really good book and other books I have read only touched on the emotional side of cancer, so I broke my rule and took out another cancer book to read.

And I am glad I did. It is one of the best books I have read and the only book that really talks about the phases of feelings that you go through and what is normal and concrete examples of ways to cope with cancer. I was pleased to see that many of the things I have been doing (massage, music, art) was on his list of ways to cope.

And I just read that every phase of cancer treatment is a crisis. So the dread I am feeling about radiation and how difficult it is to gear up for it is completely normal in this circumstance. Even the oncologist told me that he didn't understand why I was down, since the worst was behind me. If he could have known to say that it was a normal feeling, that would have been so much more helpful to me. But he isn't trained when it comes to the emotinal aspect of cancer.

Next time I am there I am going to tell him about this book. This should be recommended reading for cancer patients or any one going through an illness that is life changing.

And as soon as I finish this book I will return it to the library and tell them it should be out front and center with the display of books for Oct. and breast cancer awareness month.

Over the Rainbow

2011-09-29T21:08:00.000-04:00

I went to art therapy tonight at the hospital. Our group got locked out of the building due to some construction they are in the middle of. We waited for security to come to unlock, but he never came.

It had been raining hard before we arrived, but the rain had let up and the sun was peeking through. I knew it was just the right conditions for a rainbow. We looked around and didn't see anything. A few minutes later there was a huge, brightly colored rainbow over the hospital. It was the brightest and biggest rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It was a double rainbow, but the other one was very faint.

I was so glad to have my camera with me although the photos do not do justice to what we saw. And the hospital building was blocking some of it.

We ended up being sent home from art therapy, because no one could unlock the door. We all decided that if we had art as usual we would have missed the rainbow as we would have been inside in a room with no windows. So it was meant to be that we should skip art and see some of nature's art instead!

Weekend news

2011-09-22T21:14:00.002-04:00

My father- in- law took a turn for the worst over the weekend and passed away on Sunday night. On Saturday, my husband and son were at the hospital with him and my mother- in- law and brother -in- law. I was home and I went grocery shopping to buy some food to make my husband a good dinner for when he got home. We have not been shopping or cooking regularly since my treatments started. I was in the mood for home cooking. I made stuffed chicken, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole. It felt so good to be fussing in my kitchen and knowing that when my husband came home he would have a really nice home cooked meal. We were eating out way, way, too much.

My husband came home and brought his brother and they were both famished. It was the first time I had seen my brother- in- law since my FIL went into hospice. Again, I was not allowed to visit my FIL due to my risk of infection from the chemotherapy, so I had been out of the whole process other than what my husband was sharing with me. The week before members of the church choir went to the hospice and sang at my FIL's bedside. My husband recorded it for me so I could hear it and we all were discussing how beautiful they sounded, how we all cried listening to it, and what a gift it was for my FIL.

We talked all night about death and dying and the situation at hand.

I went off to bed, glad I could be part of the family process in a small way.

As I drifted off to sleep I started to see the color green when my eyes were closed. Metaphysicians will tell you that when you meditate and see the color green, that you are experiencing physical healing. I had this experience once before way back when I was first diagnosed and I was working with my energy healer. But this time the green was even deeper and more beautiful and I also saw green crystals. I was excited. So many other times I tried meditation to see the green again and nothing. Now without any effort, there it was before my eyes, a comfort and a hope that all the hard work that I am doing with my therapist on top of the chemo was making an impact on my health.

I drifted off into a deep sleep, so deep that I found myself dreaming that I was at my father- in- law's side and I was taking every breath right along with him. I was right up close to his face, breathing along with him. Waiting to see if he was going to take that last breath. But I was also confused about who was dying, him or me? I tossed and turned and I tried at times pull myself out of that "dream" but there I stayed by his side for what seemed like the entire night.

The next morning my husband went to the hospital early and by 10:30 A.M. they called the rest of family as my FIL was now at the threshold of life and death. It was Sunday, the day when my chemo side effects are the worst. I usually can barely function, but I was a little better than usual. My son called. Should he go to the hospital and be with the family or come and take care of me? I knew I would probably sleep the whole day and I was able to get around when I needed to, so I told him to go be with my husband in my place.

So for the entire day I laid around all alone in the house while my husband and son sat vigil at the hospital. They texted and called me all day to make sure I was OK and give me updates.

So there I was lying in the dark sick from chemo, drifting out of sleep and waking up very, very foggy brained all the while getting texts about a dying relative.

Surreal to me.

A banner day

2011-09-16T21:26:00.001-04:00

Ring the bell
3 Times well
It's toll to clearly say
My treatment is done
This course is run And I am on my way.

Yesterday I completed 6 rounds of chemotherapy for an invasive breast cancer. My treatment is not really done. I will continue to go for 13 more infusions to oncology as well as radiation. But I will be on a medicine that does not have the harsh side effects of the chemo. They told me all along that I could not ring the bell until the spring when all the infusions were completed. I was disappointed because I wanted to mark the end of the chemo, but I understood their reasoning.

So to my surprise yesterday at the end of the day they told me that I could ring the bell because they wanted me to celebrate the milestone. I burst into tears. I so needed to have the closure on the chemo. I had been so inspired by all those before me who finished chemo and rang the bell. It gave me hope that I could make it to the finish line as well.

So I got up and went over to the bell. I started to ring the bell and all the nurses and techs lined up to watch me. And it was then that I realized that they looked even more happy than I was. Seeing them all lined up like that was amazing. There were so many of them who had been taking care of me.

So I started to ring that bell harder for them and shout Whoopee!!! It was an awesome feeling! I hugged all of them and then I was presented with flowers. A local florist donates flowers to the oncology department.

So even though I still have a long road to go, I am done with Phase 1!
I now think that life should have a whole lot more of bell ringing moments! Ring them bells!

And so it is

2011-09-07T19:07:00.000-04:00

I was e-mailing today with a work professional who knows that I am in treatment for breast cancer. She asked how I was doing and I sent her back a quick e-mail and updated her. Then she wrote back something that has stuck in my head all day. She said something to the effect that she hoped after all is said and done that I would "achieve my desired outcome".

Desired outcome. It seemed like an odd way to put it. I try not to think about anything other than beating this. I felt a twinge of fear when I read her message, as it reminded me of the undesirable outcomes that could happen and do happen for some women.

I think about all the women I know who are survivors and assume I will be one of them. But today, those words, desired outcome, shook me some. I started to think about what would happen if this illness does not play out the way I pray for it to.

I was walking through the grocery store after work wheeling my carriage around the store in sort of a daze feeling sad as I thought of different scenarios that could happen. Then I got mad at her for wording her message the way she did and mad at myself for ever telling her I was undergoing all of this. Then I realized that I was just having a normal dose of fear which is common for someone diagnosed with cancer. Fortunately, I didn't allow myself to think sad thoughts for too long and I felt better and let go of all those negative thoughts invading my mind.

My desired outcome is to be cancer free and healed. And so it is.

Taking it seriously

2011-09-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

A three day weekend! I only worked 3 days total last week and still could not wait to be off. I was hoping to get so much accomplished these 3 days, but the cumulative effects from the chemo have kept me mostly very tired and not doing much. At least I am more awake today than yesterday when I slept most of the day and never left the house.

My husband's father was moved to Hospice on Wednesday. Although they can not predict for sure, the staff there thought he might have about a week left. My husband has been bringing his mom up there every day. I am not allowed to go to the hospital due to the risk of infection to myself. Everyone understands this, but it is very weird to me to not be with the family when they are visiting him and not being part of the process. Never would I have ever imagined not being by my husband's side when one of his parents were dying. Even though it is out of my control, I was feeling like an awful wife for awhile. Now I have let those negative thoughts go and I am just concentrating on what I can do for my husband when he is home.

This morning he wanted to go and get breakfast and bring it to the beach and eat and watch the ocean for awhile, so I dragged myself out of bed early so we could do so. Then he dropped me off home and off he went to the hospital.

My own mother has been having health issues as well. My two sisters are handling it without me. There is no way I can take time off from work to take mom to Dr. appointments because I am taking so much time off for treatments. So my sisters are on their own. I know they miss having me help out, but nothing I can do about it. I have to take care of me and there is not enough left over to take care of others.

When people see me, they alwarys remark that I look good. When I am not looking good, I am home in bed so no one sees me. What has been interesting is that a couple of people have challenged me about a couple of decisions I have made because they don't like that I am not available to them. They feel that since I look good and I am coping well with treatment that I can not decline invitations or requests. They are pretty much telling me that I can't use cancer as a reason to say NO to them. So very interesting. If I knew people were going to be like this, I would have made up some drama so they would leave me alone! LOL

My therapist always reminds me that I have cancer and that I do not have to do anything that I do not want to do and even though it is hard sometimes to say no, I know that I must do the healthy thing for myself to avoid stress. She wants me to avoid stress at all costs. So if I do not want to do something, I should not.

And since we are under more stress now than we care to have all at once, I am taking her words seriously.

Tuesday, tuesday

2011-08-30T10:16:00.000-04:00

The storm is long gone. We were out of power for 35 hours, but luckily had water so we could shower. We are inland, so we were rather lucky with the weather. I felt awful during the storm, but survived. Nothing like having limited coping skills during a crisis, but we made it and all is safe and well.

I am catching up on my rest and heading back to work tomorrow. Head is clear, energy has come back quite a bit since yesterday, and working on getting my attitude back.

FIL is not doing well and still in the hospital.

Before the storm

2011-08-27T00:31:00.001-04:00

Maybe it is the full moon. I am so sappy sad tonight and have been sitting here looking at old pictures from my childhood. So many pictures of the house. Missing my dad, the house, my hair, my old life. Not liking my scars, the pain, the numbness, the side effects that I know are coming this weekend and some that will last for a couple of weeks.

Last night my husband and I were tired from a long day at chemo and he was falling asleep on the couch. The phone rings at 9:00 P.M. His dad was being taken from the Assisted Living to the hospital. He has vascular dementia and has been in a residential setting for about 6 months. Often we get calls that he is going to the hospital for one reason or another and off my husband goes. I felt so bad for him last night though after spending his whole day in the hospital with me and then needs to go to the ER with his dad.

FIL has pneumonia again. Last time we almost lost him, right now he is stable, but who knows. He doesn't know any or our names any longer. He doesn't read, watch TV, or do anything anymore. Just wants to eat and sleep. He was a civil engineer and a very active man. It is hard to see how much he has gone downhill, but there is nothing any of us can do. I was feeling guilty some last night because I was more worried about my husband and the stress he is under care taking me, his dad, and his mom.

And the hurricane is coming. Sunday will be my hardest day with my chemo side effects. I can't be alone. My head gets too fuzzy and I can't even think. My mother in law could not be alone in a hurricane either. We could have had her come here, but I so need privacy during this time. God that sounds so selfish but it is true. I don't want anyone else seeing me like that.

My husband reached out to his brother to come and help us out. He tries to come down on occasion and help, but it can never be enough for all we need, especially now with me trying to recover. My brother in law stepped up to the occasion and is coming tomorrow to stay with her. She will be happier in the comfort of her own home and so will I. I am grateful we have my brother in law and that he was willing to come so my husband didn't feel torn once again between me and his mother. My husband said he feels like he has two days off from care taking and it feels good to him. Even though he will be here waiting on me some when I am not passed out.

With all we have going on a hurricane is just making this life a whole lot more stressful! I am praying it will not be as bad as they say. We are getting automated calls from the power company already saying that if power goes out, it will be out for a few days! Yikes! No FB, Blogs, Words with Friends, e-mail.. I will go crazy!

All kidding aside. I just want everyone to be safe and sound and get through this storm! Hope you are all prepared and I will be thinking and praying for you all.

The Experiment

2011-08-25T19:41:00.001-04:00

I am so excited to hear that one of my favorite bloggers Kelle Hampton has a book coming out in April! I am so happy for her. http://www.kellehampton.com/2011/08/bloom.html Check it out!

On another note, I am so happy today, because I figured out how to cut down my infusion time. I always get hot flashes when I go to chemotherapy and then they have to stop the infusion run saline and it slows down the process. I believed the hot flashes were the normal ones I get all day every day, but they wanted to be sure it was not from the chemo so to be safe they had to follow the rules and stop it.

When I get to the treatment room in the moring it is really cold in there. I always wrap myself up in a blanket and a shawl for my shouders and that keeps me warm. I started to wonder if that was making it too warm for my body once they started to flow the chemo. So today I did an experiment. I didn't wrap myself in the blanket. It was cold in the room, so I put the shawl which is lighter than the blanket over my chest. I was still chilly, but not cold so I put up with being a little chilly.

They ran the chemo and for the first time I didn't have any hot flashes and they did not have to stop. I was home by 3:30 PM instead of 5:00PM! I really think not over heating my body helped me to not have the hot flashes! It really pays off to pay attention to our bodies! I wish I figured it sooner, but glad I figured it out for today and for the next time! I pass this on to others who might be experiencing the same thing I did.

Earthquake on Tuesday and getting ready for a Hurricane on Sunday. What is going on?

A whole lot of shaking going on

2011-08-23T19:49:00.000-04:00

I was at work today and my co-worker was on the phone with a colleague in PA. All of a sudden everything in her office started shaking and she realized they were having an earthquake and she quickly hung up the phone. Then we heard the reports from many of our family and friends who felt the quake here in CT! My sister said her chair was rocking, water coolers were shaking, stuff on walls shaking, a friend at the shore said her beach chair moved with her sitting in it. Buildings were evacuated.

I didn't feel a thing and I am very glad of that! We never have quakes here so this was big excitement for everyone. Fortunately, no injuries or property damage!

I thought some of my blogger friends might have felt it as well since it originated in VA. Anyone feel it?

I am gearing up for round #5 of chemo on Thursday. Second to the last! I can not wait to be going to the last one in September. Even though I will still have 13 infusions after the chemo, the side effects of the Herceptin on its' own should be much more manageable. And my infusion time will go from 7 hours to 90 minutes!

I hope anyone landing on this blog will see that cancer treatment does not have to be so harsh. When they say attitude is everything, it is really true! I have been doing so well because I decided to get better not bitter. I catch my thoughts and if I start to feel afraid or down, I start saying positive affirmations and and take my energy up so I will not spiral down! I still have my moments. Sometimes while doing something very insignificant like putting jelly on toast, it will hit me that I am a cancer patient and I start to cry in utter disbelief. Then it is over as soon as it began and I eat my toast. No burying the feelings. Just feeling them as they come and letting them go so I can carry on. I make the most of my days. No ruining them with bitterness or fear.

Coworkers stop me to ask how I am and they always say to me, " I see you smiling, your spirits are up!" There is every reason right now for my spirits to be up... I have a chance at a cure! And I am working on it, baby!

Another update

2011-08-19T20:46:00.001-04:00

It has been a great week for me. I took it off to have some time at home when I was feeling good to get some things done around the house and catch up with some friends.

I went to lunch with one friend and other friend and I saw the movie, The Help. We both read the book and loved it and felt they did a great job with the movie. Very enjoyable and well acted. Today the husband and I went to lunch.

I had a burst of energy this week and I made a point to deal with some unsightly clutter that was taking over in our extra rooms. It feels so good to get clutter out of the way. I have one big box to bring to Goodwill and another box of books to donate elsewhere. What a wonderful feeling to be up and doing something productive around here! It may seem like a small thing, but it brought me so much happiness!

I have had another interesting situation rise up with a friend who is also a cancer survivor who complained to another friend that she wants to be closer to me and support me, but I wasn't letting her. Sigh. I have not pushed anyone away and I have reached out when I needed it, so I was surprised to hear this.

I have another friend who I am even closer with and she is also a cancer survivor and I hadn't heard a word from her all summer. We connected only because I ran into her at the store and then we made a date to have lunch. I wondered if we had not run into one another if I would have heard from her?

She did say at one point that my cancer and the cancer of another person she knows was bringing back her own experiences. Maybe it is making her upset to be around us, so I tried to down play my cancer.

Oh well, things can get complicated with friends so I will see what happens.

My blood count has stayed normal this whole time. My hair is even growing back in! I have a little Afro going on and I even see hair on my legs coming back. That is very surprising after 4 rounds of chemo and 2 more to go. I suppose it all could change during the next 2 rounds, so we will see. It is all an adventure to see what goes on with the hair!

And for all who say I am not complaining enough, I will complain about a nasty hemorrhoid that has been driving me crazy for a couple of weeks! LOL! An annoying side effect. But I am not letting it get me down!

Checking in

2011-08-13T21:44:00.000-04:00

It has been a week since treatment 4. I was home for 3 days and went back to work on Thursday. It always feels so good to go back to work. It means that I am clear headed and feel motivated! When I am recovering from chemo, I always have a little fear that I won't get past the side effects ever again. So when I feel good enough to go back to work it is a wonderful feeling and a good marker for me.

I am still dealing with some annoying and painful side effects as the chemo does a job on my digestive system, but when I feel clear headed I can handle the rest of the issues easier. I hope to be almost back to normal by the end of the week.

So sorry for the anxiety ridden last post. When I shared some of those issues from the blog post with a friend, she said that now I sounded more normal and that up until last week, she thought I was acting too much like a saint she was worried about me. She said she has been waiting for the dam to burst. She actually said that she thought too much positivity was not a good thing.

I was a bit taken aback about being told I was acting like a saint. So many people have been telling me that they are proud of me for how I am handling this and that I am so positive. To be honest, I feel that everyone is watching me and judging me. So what if I was having a more difficult time coping, would they not be proud of me? It is weird to hear some of the comments people say to me.

I assured my friend that the dam breaks all the time. That is why I go to art therapy once a week and see my mind/body energy healer once a week. I think that is why I can appear so "saintly" when I see my friends and family. I don't know how people expect me to behave, but I am just behaving the way I am. My friend said she would feel better if I said the F word a bit. I said the F word a lot in the beginning when I was smashing dishes in my back yard. I have moved on.

Another person close to me said that she could not bear to see me suffering. I had to tell her that I would not say that I was suffering. I have been damn lucky that the side effects have not been worse. I see people at treatment that are suffering and I know the difference. So I have to comfort her and encourage her to let go of that suffering story so she can feel better. It gets exhausting trying to comfort people who think they are comforting me.

I am taking this coming week off from work. I plan to visit with friends and do some fun stuff!

Resurfacing

2011-08-10T13:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was one of my recovery days from Friday's chemo. I had hired a housekeeper to come and help us out and she canceled on Saturday when I was feeling better and came on Tuesday when I was feeling like death warmed over. She saw how I didn't feel well and she did the basics then left early. I was so glad to see her go so I could just relax and sleep. That is all I can do, sleep and let the foggy brained feelings pass.

My husband was gone all of Tuesday and stayed overnight with his mom as she was coming home from the rehab. He had to grocery shop for her, get her house ready, deal with newly found termites in her house, deal with water leaking into the house from a backed up gutter, and other stuff. Once again he was torn between leaving me alone after chemo and being with her. But I knew I would be OK and my son is close by if I needed anything. I could have had someone stay here, but I would rather ask when I am really in need. It is not easy for people during a work week to come and stay over.

My son stopped by after work and he took me to the drug store because I needed yet another medication for yet another issue that came up. He visited for awhile and we got to catch up. Even 5 minutes of seeing either one of my kids is the best medicine that I could possibly ask for.

When my son was leaving he patted me on the head - on my new peach fuzz head. It was just so sweet and my heart melted. I am so glad that both my sons are handling all of this so well. They are not afraid to talk about things and allow me to talk when I need to. I love that they are not uncomfortable seeing me with no hair and just treat me normal, just like the mom I have always been.

Share, feel, breathe, heal

2011-08-06T13:15:00.000-04:00

This was one of the tougher weeks I have had since my diagnosis. On Wednesday, I became ill with pain and some other symptoms that led me right to the doctor's office by early afternoon. After the check up he put me on antibiotics for a slight UTI, but he thought that it might more likely be a kidney stone and sent me for x-rays. It was the day before my 4th round of chemo, so we needed to have some answers.

I called my oncologist and they canceled my chemo for the next day. At first I was so disappointed. I was all psyched up to go and when they rescheduled me for next week, I realized how it was going to mess up my work schedule and then put me out another week for finishing up. I know setbacks come with the territory, but I was not planning for any! :-)

I spent Wednesday with pain that waxed and waned and was pretty uncomfortable and worried about how long it would take to pass a kidney stone and how painful I have heard that can be. But in my gut, I didn't think I had a stone. I was convinced it was a UTI. And I was RIGHT! X-ray did not show signs of anything and once on the antibiotic and a strong dose of Ibuprofen, I was good as new the next day.

But with chemo canceled, I just went to work as usual. The oncology department called me at 9:30 A.M. and said that the oncologist wanted me to come in for the chemo as planned since I did not have a temp and was on antibiotics. It sort of threw me that they called. I had work piled up on my desk to get through, I hadn't packed all our "chemo gear", I didn't even know if my husband was around to come with me, I had to find my boss and tell her I had to leave. I hadn't taken the rest of my steroids because they canceled me. I could feel my blood pressure go up, yet I wanted to go and get back on my schedule. So I started to rush around to get everything organized so I could go.

I call them back to tell them I am going to come. Then they said they would call me back to make sure my meds were there. I am running around trying to tie up loose ends, calling my husband telling him what to pack for me and just acting like a nut. All the while I am thinking... this is not a good way to go into chemo. I don't want to be a harried mess going into it, but I don't want to wait until next week either.

Finally they call me back, "Lena, we never ordered your treatment meds since they canceled you. We are sorry, but we can't take you today, can you come tomorrow?" I was relieved, I felt my blood pressure go down, and going on Friday still kept me on my weekly schedule! So I was happy about that. But then I remembered I needed my steroids if I was going to be going on Friday and I had to run home and get them to take them. This whole fiasco took about an hour with all the calls and running back home. It all worked out, but I sure wish they had checked out the medicine situation before they called me and got me in a tizzy!

And while all of this was going on, my husband was at the ER with my mother in law who was also not feeling well. He was with her all day long until she was admitted and feeling torn once again that he was not with me At one point I thought I would have to ask someone from work to take me to the doctor, but by the time I had my appointment I was able to drive.

Treatment day was a little more intense for me than usual.There was a younger woman next to me and everything was going wrong for her and it was her first day. They could not use her port for some reason, and they had a lot of trouble getting her veins, she was snapping at them for hurting her. She had the curtains pulled all around her and would not talk to anyone. When we were leaving she was gone, I never saw or heard her leave, neither one of us did.

I said to the nurse that I was feeling bad for that patient because she had a hard day and that she was all alone. The nurse said the woman's husband had been there and then could not handle it and he left her.
That made me feel so much worse for her.

The nurse said the woman didn't want to come back. I wish I could have talked to her and helped her, but obviously she didn't want to talk to anyone because she was so shut down. I don't blame her. So awful when
the first day of chemo sucks so bad. I kept feeling so grateful that my first day went so well, so that I was not afraid to go back.

On the other side of me were some serious sick patients with a lot of side effects and not so good prognosis. Harder day when sitting with people who are not doing well. I tried to just listen to my music and
drown out the stories. It is awful to not want to hear, but it is hard sometimes, and I heard lots anyways and tried to be supportive and yet protective of myself and my needs.

I was very anxious when I got home. I realized that I was just dealing with all this stuff being thrown at me and yet had not processed it all. Being sick on top of cancer threw me, my mother law had been doing so well, now back in hospital (since discharged and OK!), worrying about my husband handling all this care-taking, being around and trying to be supportive to some very seriously ill people. I used to be hospice volunteer, so I have the skills to work with people, but it is different now being in the middle of my own recovery. It all got to me and I realized that I don't know what normal is anymore and it made me sad.

Luckily, a friend called right when I was feeling so anxious that I wondered if I needed to go to the ER. Once I started to talk and tell her about the last 3 days, I felt the anxiety start to leave me, I calmed down, relaxed and felt like a normal person again. I had to feel the feelings of the past three days, not just try to run through the days like a bull in a china shop.

Share, feel, breathe, heal. That is how it works best for me. I slept like a baby last night.

Sing a song

2011-08-01T20:56:00.000-04:00

My husband and I decided at the last minute to take the weekend and go to Vermont. We love going up there and decided while all the elders were stable, it was a good weekend to get away.

We left right after work on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were just perfect weather days and it was so awesome to be up there. On Saturday afternoon we went to see a play called "Souvenir." It was the story of Florence Foster Jenkins. It was a very funny and poignant play and my husband and I both enjoyed it so much!

Here is the YouTube of the real Jenkins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBOuRlgoU2A&feature=related She was a woman of wealth who was convinced she was a great singer. She sure wasn't, but developed a following anyway. She had her passion for singing and somehow what she heard herself sing was not what the public heard.

She reminded me of myself in a way. I LOVE to sing, but can not carry a tune. lol - I found myself thinking during the play that I wish I was like her and didn't know I sound awful. She got so much joy singing to her friends and even went to Carnegie Hall. But the audiences were not kind at Carnegie and that was her last concert because she died a month later. Some say she died of a broken heart, but others dispute it.

But oh, she had 12 years of singing her heart out and she made people happy even if it was not in the way she intended.

There were only 2 cast members. The piano player and the actress who played Jenkins. They were both fantastic! We saw the play at Weston Theater Other Place at the Rod and Gun Club. A very small (75 seats maybe) theater. We sat in the front row so that made it even more exciting!

The next morning we went to breakfast and saw the actors in the restaurant so I had a chance to tell them both how great they were and how much we enjoyed the show!

So if the play ever comes to your area, check it out!

Weekend update

2011-07-24T10:41:00.000-04:00

On Friday my mother in law had her 90th birthday party. It wasn't at any fancy restaurant like we had planned but considering what she had been through with her accident she was lucky to be alive. We brought her favorite sword fish dinner from a local restaurant and cake to a dining room at the rehab center and she had all of her children and a couple of her grandchildren with her.

Because I have been undergoing chemo, I have been staying away from hospitals and rehab centers so that I could stay as healthy as possible. My oncology nurse thought it was fine for me to attend the birthday party though. She said as long as I stayed out of patients rooms and went straight into the dining room and practiced good hand washing that I should be fine. It is important to be a part of family functions especially a milestone birthday.

So it all turned out just fine. She was surprised that I was able to come and she so enjoyed her dinner and the company of her family. I was happy to finally see her and thought that she was doing very well with her recovery. She will stay at rehab a while longer, but she is just fine with that. She is one strong woman and I don't believe this accident will set her back too much. At least that is how it looks now.

Saturday night we took my mom out for dinner and a stop at the cemetery on the way home.

So that was our weekend. Hanging out with the elders. I know it made them happy to have our company so we were pleased to do it!

Off the top of my head

2011-07-20T21:41:00.000-04:00

The other day I was hanging around the house and I needed to run an errand. I got into my car and was about to pull out of the driveway and I realized, no wig or hat on my head. There I was ready to take off and go with my bald head. I didn't feel like going back into the house to get a hat, and considered just taking off like that. But I have this issue that my bald head might make other people uncomfortable. So I searched the car and found I had a hat stashed in there and I thew it on, relieved I didn't have to run back into the house.

I have decided that for the most part I can go driving around town bald headed in my car, but if I need to go into a store I will put on a hat. I don't like having to hide my head, but I know people will just stare at me if I were to walk around completely bald and I will feel self conscious. As it is, when I have a hat on, I get looks. It is obvious here is no hair under there.

So I wasn't too surprised last night when I had a dream that I had lunch with a friend and then went on a job interview and in the middle of the interview I realized I was bald headed. In the dream, I was in a panic when I realized I forgot my wig. I woke up. I remembered how comfortable I felt in real life when I walked out the door with nothing on my head and sort of wondered why this made its' way into my dream. Did I need to remind myself not to get too comfortable because I could make big faux pas?

I want to be braver. I want to be like Demi Moore on the red carpet with her completely bald head when she was in the G. I. Jane movie. Of course I am no Demi Moore, I am not on the red carpet promoting a movie.

But I will continue to push the envelope a little bit in little ways when I can.

Later in the day

2011-07-18T18:51:00.000-04:00

It was a tough weekend end because I was fighting to keep my attitude positive. But like my therapist said, if I wasn't overwhelmed and discouraged this weekend with yet another elder crisis on top of chemo, I would not be normal! Funny, how I need the obvious pointed out to me.

On Sunday I realized we had no food in the house. I mean when the heck would either one of us had time to go shopping? And the lack of food made me mad. I was just going on and on in my head about how we can't do this anymore and I need help. Thankfully, my sister called and she came down with a huge pot of chicken soup. At first I thought it would be way to hot for soup, but it was just what I needed. It made me feel all kinds of comfort and reminded me that someone would take care of me if my husband couldn't.

Later in the day, we made a shopping list and my husband was able to go to the store because his brother came and he took a turn at caring for my MIL. So once we got groceries and we had cleaned up the house some, I started to feel a little better about things. I did not want to spiral down into negative and depressing feelings, I am trying to hard to stay in charge of my recuperation and stay happy!

I have 2 sisters and friends that are offering lots of help. I just have a hard time taking people up on it. So accepting her soup was huge for me. And another friend is making a casserole for Wednesday night. She has been wanting to cook for me since I have been diagnosed. So I finally said YES! I have sisters and friends offering to come to chemo, too, if my son or husband can't make it. So in theory, I have lots of support, I just have to learn to ask for it when I need it. I am really bad at that.

My mom in law has already said she would not drive any longer. There will be no conflict about that and we are all relieved. I was thinking that the driving would probably would be out of her hands anyways, but nice she came to that all on her own. It will make it an easier adjustment on her.

This chemo round has been a little better than the previous two. Could it be my relaxing massage? I am not sure. I am much less foggy brained than I was and have been up doing a few things. I am hoping to feel much better by tomorrow and get back to work on Wednesday!

Crash

2011-07-17T20:49:00.000-04:00

The night before my infusion my mother in law was in a serious car accident. She broke 4 ribs and is very bruised and banged up from the incident. Her car was totaled and she suffered some pretty serious leg wounds as well. She is all settled into rehab now, so she is on the road to recovery, but it has been a very stressful few days.

Because my husband had to deal with her car and insurance and taking care of her, he was not available to come with me for my chemotherapy. He just could not divide himself in the middle and be there for both of us. Fortunately, my older son put in for time off from work as soon as he heard that I had no one to bring me to chemo. I loved it that I didn't have to ask him to do that. I was grateful he lives close enough to be able to help out with such short notice.

I can't remember the last time I had 8 hours of one on one time with my older son. He was really great company for me. I brought my iPad and he showed me how to download applications and I purchased books from a gift card he gave me for Mother's Day and I had not used yet! We never have the time to sit and do stuff like that. We talked up a storm and just enjoyed one each other's company.

He was a little nervous about what the treatment room would be like. He thought it might be a depressing and bleak place, but he was pleasantly surprised how upbeat it was and how friendly everyone was. It wasn't what he expected and it was good for him to see. He liked that the nurses were taking good care of me and always asking how I was feeling.

My treatments take so long because again I had some hot flashes and they stop the treatment and cool me down and start them up again. These flashes could be reactions to the meds, but I don't think they are. The nurse has to take the proper precautions, so I just let her do her job. I guess I will just expect to be the last person leaving every time!

I was feeling so badly for my husband with trying to help out his mom with his dad with Alzheimer and now her needing such attention and he still has me! His mom is 90 years old and this accident was a wake up call to her to stop driving! So now he will have to try to hook her up to services to get her grocery shopping, church, etc. And also do his fair share of driving her around. She is very active for her age, but I know that may change now that she has had this set back with the accident.

We need to get them into one assisted living situation and I wish I was in the condition to help him. His siblings are not local and don't make it out here to get much done.

For now we can't do anything but allow my mother in law to get well in rehab and then try to help her make some big decisions when she comes home. This stuff is never easy, but there is always a way to make it work. It is a matter of finding the right plan and having the time and cooperation of the rest of the family. I have a feeling this time around is going to be very interesting.

Packing time is coming

2011-07-12T20:02:00.001-04:00

We had a nice vacation. I rested a lot! I think it helped because I have much more energy this week. I feel great as I am on the upswing, but I am heading into round 3 on Thursday. How the hell did that come around so fast? So to get ready for chemo I went for a massage today. I was pretty loose which impressed me, but it was probably from my very restful vacation. I wanted to be as relaxed as possible heading into the next round.

Everyone at the hospital has a comment about how much stuff we bring with us on chemo day. I pack up my own fleece blanket and sleep mask. I figure I deserve my comforts from home on such a long day. I am usually there 7 and 1/2 hours. It is very cold in the treatment room, so I also have a shawl I bring. Then I pack a bag with my IPOD and iPad along with books and magazines. I always carry a note book for notes that I want to take if I have any dreams if I fall asleep or if the nurses or patients tell me anything new I need to know. Then my husband has his bag with his electronics and newspaper. And we bring in a small cooler with lunch and snacks! So we walk in loaded down. LOL

I also take my shoes off when ever they weigh me. I wear orthotics in my shoes and they weigh one pound each. That is 2 extra pounds that I think they do not need to figure in to mix my chemo since it is based on weight. Does the 2 lbs make a bit of difference? I don't know, but it might, so I take off the shoes. Another patient was sitting there when I was getting weighed and she says, "Oh my goodness, she takes her shoes off," and starts laughing like I wasn't even there! So I spoke up and told her why and she was surprised that I said anything to her and stopped laughing and just very seriously said, "Oh."

Everyone is so busy judging...lol.

Salt water

2011-07-07T22:20:00.000-04:00

"The cure for everything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" Isak Dinesen

Birthday

2011-07-03T16:02:00.001-04:00

Friday, July 1 was my birthday. We are usually away on vacation on my birthday, but we weren't leaving until Saturday this year so it meant I would be home for my birthday! I was pretty excited about that because although it was always nice to be on Cape Cod and do fun stuff on my birthdays, I missed being with my family.

So since I was going to be around we decided to meet up at my mom's house and have pizza and cake.

It was also the first time I would be seeing everyone since I lost all of my hair. I decided not to wear my wig, because I have been wearing a hat and I find that so much easier.

My 91 year old aunt S. has been praying the Rosary for me every day. It brings me such comfort and a feeling of being loved and cared for. When S. walked into the room at my party and saw me in my hat and realized my hair was all gone, she became very emotional. It made me feel sad for her that she was sad for me, if that makes any sense at all. Her eyes just welled up in tears and I just held her and told her that I was OK and doing fine.

Truth was, I felt so sick that night. I came home from work in the afternoon and went straight to bed. I almost thought I should skip the party because I had such awful GI side effects still going on. But it was MY PARTY and I had to be there. So I forced myself out of that bed and got ready to go and packed emergency clothes just in case.

Funny thing... once I got there I started to feel better little by little. I even decided to take a piece of pizza knowing that it would be the worst thing I could eat and that I would pay dearly for it, but funny thing, I did fine with it. All my GI issues seemed to settle down.

We were all sitting in a big circle in the living room of my mom's small apartment. My sisters, my aunts, my mom, my brother in law, my niece and nephew and my own tribe. We were laughing so much and having such a good time. My son was making us laugh so hard we could not catch our breaths and tears were coming. I love laughing like that.

And then it was time for birthday cake! It was the first time in years that I had a roomful of family sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I made sure I really, really listened to each individual voice in the mix. Everyone who loves me the most in the whole world was singing to me. It was overwhelming and moving to me and I got all teary eyed and just let their voices wash over me like a healing wave.

We had forgotten to bring the birthday candles and mom didn't have any. So we just all collectively made one wish at the same time.We had our cake and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I was thinking how much better I felt and I was so glad that I pushed myself out of that bed to go. I needed to be with all of my family and being the guest of honor brought some good energy to me.

My other family members handled the new me with no hair fine and my sister gave me some new hats to sport. She didn't mind when I took off the old hat in front of her and saw me bald. I don't want to have to hide, but if someone can't handle it, I understand completely, too.

My mother was happy to have her little apartment filled with family and sharing good times. It was a great evening for all of us!

The next day, I got the doctor's approval to go on my vacation because my blood counts are still good! I am slightly anemic and I do feel more tired because of that, but that is just the chemo catching up with me.

So I am writing this first post from Cape Cod. We are relaxing and trying to have good vacation like we always have up here. Cancer can just sit in the back seat while we are off enjoying the sights.

In sickness and in health

2011-06-29T19:36:00.000-04:00

It has been almost one week since round #2 of chemo. I am now on the upswing from the side effects and back to work after spending almost 3 full days in bed in a stupor. I was in a very foggy state of mind, very tight muscles from the shot they gave me to keep my blood counts up, and had some nausea that was manageable with crackers and eating regularly. My tongue burns and everything tastes like metal. The hardest part is feeling so wiped out. I am only 1/3 of the way through this and I need to figure out how to get some energy into my system. That will be my mission for the next time. And in spite of my complaining, I know it could always be much worse, so I am grateful.

My husband has been wonderful through out this ordeal. He has always been my rock but now I think there is new meaning to the words.

Last Thursday after chemo it was time to get rid of my hair. I had reached the point of aggravation from it shedding all over and asked my husband to buzz it. We stood on the deck for awhile and we both ran our hands through my hair and watched it come out in clumps and then let the wind take it away for the birds. Then he got the buzzer and trimmed it very close so that I had just peach fuzz on my head.

I handled it better than I thought I would. I had no tears and I while I was glad to have my bedroom mirror covered, I still looked in the mirrors in the rest of the house. Friday morning came and I got up and got ready for work with my wig. My husband was awesome. He usually goes to the gym first thing in the morning, but that morning he hung around waiting until I felt secure in my wig and then we went our separate ways. I thought it was so sensitive of him to hang around without my asking him to.

So I got into my car and as I was pulling out of the driveway and turning my neck, I noticed that the wig cap underneath the wig was starting to roll up on my heard. "No, this could not be!" I thought to myself. "I am not even 5 minutes away from the house and I am having a wig fail!" The cap kept riding up and I knew that it was going to pop off my wig in about 2 seconds. So, I pulled over to the side of the road and pulled the wig off (hope no cell phone cameras caught me!) took off the cap and then threw the wig back on. It looked like a disaster now! I couldn't tell the front from the back! I was so frustrated and decide to just leave it and drive to work. I slipped in quietly and went into the bathroom and called a colleague for help with styling the wig. Everyone said that it looked nice, some couldn't tell it was a wig, others could tell because it is longer than my real hair.

So mostly, the peach fuzz was OK. I went out on the deck with it, I let my son see me with it. So tonight I decided that I wanted my husband to finish the deed and make me completely bald. The remaining hair is achy and uncomfortable and it is still falling out all over even though it is so short. Time to be done with it.

Tonight when I asked my husband to buzz it off, he hesitated a bit. I asked him if he was OK. To my surprise, his eyes filled up with tears and he said he would do it for me, but he didn't like doing it. I was so involved with how I was feeling that it never even occurred to me that he might be having a hard time. He said that he is OK with seeing me hairless, but seeing me bald just reminds him that I have cancer and the last couple of weeks when I was feeling so good after round #1 he was forgetting that I even had cancer. I was forgetting, too.

I so understood his feelings and I also why he tried to hide how upset buzzing my hair made him, but I am glad that he was able to share it. Because even though I have cancer we are in this together and I want him to be able to share with me. It is hard on the caregivers. I am the center of his attention. It isn't easy for a man to call up a male friend or even a woman and talk about what he is going through. I have always been there for him to talk to and now it is about me and he feels like he can't. We are best friends and I don't want that to change. I want him to tell me what he is feeling and get it out in the open, so I was grateful tonight when his tears showed me that he was hurting.

We are learning to be more patient with one another than we have ever been. We will come out of this much stronger than we have ever been. Relationships are hard work, in sickness and in health.

Ring them bells

2011-06-26T08:35:00.004-04:00

Thursday was my second round of chemotherapy. It went a little smoother the second time around now that we knew the drill.

In the treatment room is a bell with a little poem on it that you get to ring when you are done with your treatments.

I was talking to a woman on Thursday who I met on my first round and she was told me it was her last treatment day. So I said to her, "Oh, you get to ring the bell today!" She said she wasn't sure she was going to do it. So I asked her why? She said that she didn't want to bother anyone.

In my head I thought it was so sad. That is something many of us women do. We can't bother people and have our own needs and desires. No, that is not for us. I have been there, I know how that works. Not self nurturing at all.

So I told her that last month when I was there for my first round and another woman was having her last round, I was inspired and hopeful when she rang the bell. My friend smiled said she felt the same way. I was glad she had the same experience as me and wondered if that would help her to rethink it.

So I continued and said, "I cannot wait to ring that bell and you best be damn sure that I am going to ring it more than 3 times. I am ringing it once for every freaking round! "

We laughed, we chatted about other things for awhile and then I strolled back to my chair to rest.

I kept my eye on her all day wondering what she would decide to do when she left. And then at the end of the day, I saw her reading the poem on the bell with the nurse and I knew she changed her mind.

My husband and I got up and went over to watch and clap for her. She rang that bell way more than 3 times with a huge, happy smile on her face. The nurse was hugging her and handing her flowers.

She was able to walk out of there a free woman and we got to go back to our drips with a full and hopeful heart.

Good for you, survivor woman! I don't even think we ever exchanged names, but I know I won't forget you.

Home is where the heart is

2011-06-24T19:07:00.005-04:00

My first birthday in the house I grew up in

We closed on the sale of the house where I grew up in today. I have been preparing myself for this day for awhile now. Many of you know that my husband and I almost bought the house ourselves, but then had second thoughts when we realized we were doing it for the wrong reasons.

So now that it is done, this is what I have to say: I am incredibly sad. I sob when I think about how I will never be able to go there again. It has so many memories of my dad (who passed away a year and a half ago) and I will miss going there and feeling his spirit in the house.

Yet, in some divine business deal I believe the family who is moving in is exactly who should be buying the house. They are an Italian family ( like us) and they are coming from the same city to the suburbs like my mom did when she moved there. They want to plant a garden where my dad has his garden in the backyard. And they wanted to keep the shed in back of the house that used to be a porch on the house so it is an original part of the house. At first the realtor said we should knock it down, but the buyer's wanted it, and I was so glad they were keeping it.

They are an older couple with children in middle school. This is their first home. The kids were so excited, they had their bedrooms all picked out. The girl looks like my niece. The mother loves to cook like my mom does and they said they have big family parties like we did gowning up.

All of this makes me incredibly happy and I sob tears of joy.

It is all good, but bitter sweet and I am letting all the feelings just come when they want to. It just reminds me how absolutely wonderful it is to love something so very much that I can be so moved.

I know that house will forever be in my heart. I know that because I dream about it all the time and I am aware that I always will be able to go back to the security of my childhood and the love of my family. I don't need the house to feel my dad's spirit, I learned that in my first chemotherapy. He was there for me and I can call on him anywhere.

I will just walk through this pain and also this joy because having the house sold is also a relief. It has been so expensive and difficult keeping it up. A new family will love it and make their own memories in it. A family I would have hand picked had I had the opportunity.

It is all good.

Shedding

2011-06-19T18:34:00.003-04:00

It has been many years since I have hair long enough to wear a ponytail. My hair has been short now for about 36 years. But I do remember what it used to feel like to wear a ponytail all day and then take it down and how my hair would feel like it was aching as I tried to get it to flatten out.

That is how my hair dresser described the feeling of my hair when it would start falling out. She said I would feel that achy feeling like when you take out a ponytail. It started on Saturday when I woke up, my hair was aching and I had a some strands of my hair on my hand. I had noticed a few strands coming out when I was brushing my hair during the week, but not much. In the past two days, more has fallen out.

I wonder if I should just shave it all off now, but a part of me wants to wait to see how it will happen. Maybe there is a part of me that thinks I will be spared total baldness. After all when my husband asked the nurse if there was going to be hair loss, she said there would be some thinning out of my hair. I said, "Really, everything I read said that I would lose my hair completely with the chemo I am getting." Then the nurse said, "Yes, you will lose it all." I wondered why she wasn't upfront and honest about the inevitable? Why would she not want to prepare me instead of out and out misleading me?

So I am waiting to see how long this will continue with my hair coming out strand by strand. I noticed my legs are completely hairless already. So no shaving legs for a while. I like how soft and smooth they look and feel right now, so that will be something to enjoy.

I don't want to be shedding and making a mess at work, so I will try to keep on top of this and make the decision to shave my head before too much is falling out all over the place.

Oh, the things that now occupy my mind now.

Weekends are good

2011-06-19T10:38:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a nice normal day. Usually I drive out of town and have my session with my mind/body therapist. She was out of state this weekend, so I had a Saturday off! The sessions are an hour and a half, and I drive an 80 minute round trip to get there, so it takes most of my Sat. afternoon. It is worth every second of it, but it is nice to have a day off!

My husband has been away for the weekend and my son came over yesterday to visit and brought his dog over to so I could play with him. We decided to go for some lunch and wanted to try out Sonic. They opened one up around here months ago, but we never went. The traffic and lines over there were out of control for months. It has slowed down a bit now and since it was later in the afternoon, we took a ride over there.

For those of you you are not familiar with Sonic, it is just another fast food place, with a gimmick. You drive into a stall and order your food through a speaker. When your food is ready, the girls skate to the car in roller blades and bring you your food. You sit in your car and eat.

I thought of Sonic for two reasons, one I had never been there I wanted to at least try it once, and my son had the dog and I didn't want to leave him behind. The dog sat in the backseat and snacked on baby carrots while we ate junk food. What is wrong with that picture?

Later in the day I met a friend for dinner. We talked all night long, and I barely talked about cancer, I am trying not to do that to my friends. It was fun!

Today I will pick up my mom and we will go visit dad's grave, shop, and go out to lunch.

My husband will be back late today, so we will celebrate Father's Day with him tomorrow.

Detour

2011-06-17T23:12:00.004-04:00

When I had my chemo, I had some issues that made the oncologist recommend that I see my GI doctor which I did on Thursday. He wants me to have a colonoscopy to rule out colon cancer. That is the LAST thing I want to do or wanted to hear. And then I thought, so what if I did have colon cancer, then what? I am already on chemo. The doctor explained how I would have to be treated in between the treatments for breast cancer.

I could not listen to him and I told him so. I guess I was being rude, but I really, really, could not handle it. The way he was going on like some robot. In that moment I felt like I wanted to give up on everything. My attitude sucked and I didn't want to work on it. I was feeling scared.

He said he was going to speak to my oncologist and get back to me.

The rest of the visit did not go well. The doctor said some inappropriate and creepy things to me. I think he was trying to humiliate me. By the time I left, I could not look him in the eye because he sickened me. And I could not speak, I felt traumatized.

The last words he said was, "Don't worry, we will get you through this." Well, HE WON'T BE GETTING ME THROUGH ANYTHING! I will NOT be going back to him and I will tell him exactly why.

When I was driving home from the appointment, I wondered what my husband or my friends would say. Right then and there I decided what they said or thought didn't matter. I felt awful and I would not be returning to that practice. But as it stands my husband and the 2 other friends I told thought it was very disturbing and unprofessional as well.

I am sorry I can't share. Too disgusting to write.

Today I am back to myself, I will do what ever i need to do to look after myself and get well. I always need time to let bad news or disappointment sink in and then I can rally.

I am going to be very busy looking for a new doctor.

Hair today

2011-06-14T20:52:00.005-04:00

This week I am scheduled for a full week of work. No treatment until next week. I am feeling completely back to normal and it feels so awesome!

The next thing I am preparing for is losing my hair. I picked up my wig on Saturday and it is in my room waiting for when I need it.

From what people say and what I read, I know many people find it difficult to deal with the hair loss. I have not had it on my mind too much. I am preparing for it, but I haven't spent a good deal of time worrying or dreading it. With that said, I have no idea how it will feel when I actually lose it all. I am curious now to see how I will react.

My dresser is directly in front of my bed with a huge mirror. When I sit up in bed, the first thing I see is myself in the mirror. I know that maybe I won't want to see a bald me first thing in the morning, so I have been taping up all my get well cards on the mirror. So when I wake up and sit up in bed, I see the cards of good wishes first thing. This will work just fine when my hair is gone.

When I went wig shopping I was thinking of getting a different hair color for fun or getting 2 wigs, one my natural gray and then one color. But when I went to try on the wigs, I realized that I wanted the gray one and only that one. I decided I didn't enjoy a new look. When she put the gray wig on me and I looked just like myself, I got a bit choked up. It felt so right and comfortable. I think I have enough changes going on in my life right now on so many levels, that all I wanted was a wig that would keep me looking like me.

When my niece walked in to see me, she didn't even know that I had a wig on. That is how perfect the color and the style is to my own hair.

The stylist was wonderful. She was very knowledgeable and so kind. She was involved with the passing of a bill in our state that allows insurance coverage for wigs for medical hair loss a few years back. An activist and stylist!

I feel like everyone on my team is so special.

Happiness Runs

2011-06-07T20:23:00.003-04:00

I went back to work this afternoon after taking off Monday and this morning to rest up after the chemo.

It felt so good to be back at the office working on my computer, answering calls, and doing what I
do. People were happy to see me and I felt like I was home.

My co-worker who put off her mammogram for 5 years went on Friday and everything was good! I thought she was brave to go and get it done! I loved seeing her happy face this morning, free of all that stress she was holding onto about her health.

As I walked around the building today and I listened to the scuttlebutt in the background, I heard people going on grumbling about this or that. Of course, I remember being like that when I didn't have my hands full with cancer. I want to stop and tell them to enjoy their life and to stop with the grumblings. But I keep walking and I hope that when this is behind me that I don't start falling back into old grumbling habits.

Happiness takes work on a daily basis and I so need to remember that!

My Hero

2011-06-04T17:41:00.003-04:00

My therapist taught me some breathing techniques to do during chemo to help me pull in divine light through my body and flush the toxins from my system. I don't find that easy, but I was willing to give it a chance as I want to do anything I can to heal myself.

When they started putting the Benadryl into my I.V., I really had a hard time staying awake. I got very woozy so I just put on on my trusty sleep mask and turned on my iPod and tried to relax. I could not even concentrate on the breathing techniques, but I didn't want to lose the light. So I kept visualizing the bright white light running through my body.

All of a sudden, I saw my dad. He was popping up out of the heavens dressed in a shirt that I remember him in when I was a kid. He was filled with the light and dove right into the top of my scalp and swooped his way down my body and came out from my feet with his hands straight out in front of him pushing all the cancer cells out of my body.

I thought he was just like Superman. So then I visualized him diving in with a Superman Costume and flying all around me protecting me. It was a very comforting image. My dad protecting me, healing me, coming to my rescue.

My dad, my hero.

It is all good

2011-06-02T20:56:00.002-04:00

So I had my first infusion today. 5 left to go! I was there from 9:30 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. It went pretty well. We learned the drill and met some really great people. I had some issues with hot flashes so they would stop the IV and then let me cool down with same saline solution. They also had to stop once and change to a longer needle in my port because I was feeling heat in the port. But these were minor glitches.

We had cell phone service so I could call my family and keep my mom updated. Mostly I rested and listened to music on my iPod. My husband stayed next to me and read the paper and his nook, and we had lunch together.

I saw a lady with a really cute hat and I asked her where she got it. Come to find out I had the catalog with me that she ordered from. So I sat with her and she showed me all the things she had ordered and loved and some stuff that was not so hot. It was so nice to have some assistance with that type of thing. So much to chose from!

Although it was a long day I had scheduled to go to the hospital's Art Therapy class tonight. So after kemo we went home and my husband cooked dinner and then drove me back to the hospital for a 6:00 P.M. class.

I am on steroids and they are reeving me up! I have a lot of energy and was so excited to go to the class. One more day of the steroids and then the nurse said I will crash. Oh well!

I love art, but I was never good at it in school, so always backed away from it, but it is something that I thought would be a good creative out lit for me during this recovery period that would be different than my Saturday morning therapy and the mind/body work. (Sometime I will post about that but it hasn't felt right just yet.)

I have a two fold story about the Art class. First my picture. I can't draw for crap. So we were supposed to set an intention for what we wanted to get out of the class. I said I was interested in art therapy because I had a weekend with an art therapist in Graduate school and I realized how much I enjoyed the activities and I learned a lot about my self. In hind sight I saw that art classes from my public school days did nothing but stifle any artistic ability I may have had!

So I just picked up my brush and started painting colors. I just let my intuition pick out the colors. When I was finished I remembered that a long time ago I learned about colors. Purple is the spirit center, yellow heart center, Red for courage, Black - I used it as despair tonight, but I am not sure that is what I learned about it. I am looking high and low for my notes, but can't find them. This class was 26 years ago. LOL>

Anyways, when it was my turn to share, I said that I realized that I made the colors of the different centers that I have been moving through since my diagnosis. I explained what each color meant. I decided that since my portions were just about the same, (it doesn't quite look like that in the photo, but I think that was due to the angle) that I had been spending just about an equal amount of time in each one, not stuck in any one in particular center. So I was OK with my picture. The other patient and the social worker thought I was making the German Flag! LOL!! I had no idea what the colors of the German flag were!

During the art work time we shared a lot of feelings about the diagnosis, taking care of ourselves, and other things going on in our lives. It was a nice intimate setting and I know I will enjoy going there and will work on not being so self conscious about my art skills. I told the art therapist that I love words and quotes and visual art work and she said she would work on getting some of those type of projects for us to do!

So that was the work at the class, but there was something much more profound that happened during that class.

I was surprised that there was only one other patient there, they told me that they had another member but she passed away a couple of weeks ago. They were speaking so highly of her and missed her so much. Come to find out I realized they were talking about a woman who was the mother of my son's friend. I never met her, but had been praying for her because my son would come home and talk about his friend A. and how hard it was for her with a dying mother. It broke my heart and then a few months later, I was diagnosed. I know that scared my son because A. mom had breast cancer as well.

I also told them how A. had asked my son if my husband would play a favorite song in her mom's memory on his radio show and my husband did a beautiful set of songs for her and the whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins) sat around the radio to listen to my husband's show. The dad told my son that it was beautiful and it helped them to get ready for the upcoming services. While I was telling them the story of A. and my son, and my husband and the music. We all had healing chills up and down our spines. The art therapist turned to me and said that it was meant to be that I was joining the group. I felt the same way. It is a small world and we are connected to others in ways we don't really know.

My day started with a dozen white roses from my husband. When I got home there was a beautiful flower arrangement waiting for me on the front stoop from my son and his girlfriend in RI.

It has been a long day, a day that I have been dreading, but there were so many great moments today. Moments of inspiration, love, connection, and feelings... a whole hell of a lot of them! It was a good day. I met some new wonderful people. I found a new place to belong.

It's all good.

Kemo eve

2011-06-01T22:00:00.004-04:00

Thank you for all the comments. I am not pissy, you all made me laugh!

There were two times when I felt brave. Both times were when I was asking the oncologists about some alternative treatments that were not scientifically based. To my surprise one doctor allowed the treatment in conjunction with the chemo, but you have to get the drug from Germany and it is expensive. The other doctor not so much a believer, but he was very respectful to me. No eye rolling! :-) It is always a little scary to go out on a limb and ask something outside of the standard practice and I was nervous about it, but I did it.

Last night was the first time I didn't sleep well. I didn't want to go to bed and stayed up until 11:30 P.M. on a work night! Unheard of for me! But it was also so humid in the house so that didn't help! So tonight I am so tired that I am hoping I will sleep very well. Then all I have to do tomorrow is get up, put one foot in front of the other, and show up at the hospital. I will put myself in their hands with my inquisitive nature of course!

Today a coworker came up to me and told me that she had her last mammogram 5 years ago and they had some concerns and had her go for a biopsy. They didn't find anything. But she has been afraid to go back all of these years. She told me that I was her inspiration for making the appointment to go because I have been walking around work so strong. I am happy that I can inspire women and I am so praying everything will turn out fine for her.

DREAM

I had a great dream the other night. It was sort of like a movie you know when you see someone sleeping and then their spirit leaves their body and walks away. Well I was sound asleep in my bed and had that experience of getting up and walking away from my body. I thought I heard my youngest son (age 26 living in RI) come home. He walked in my room, it was dark in there. I said," why aren't you in RI?" He said he came home to see me and when he came closer to me and hugged me, he turned into the little boy he was at around 10 years old. He had his young boyish voice and longer blond hair. It was the coolest dream ever to sort of go back in time like that! I didn't even remember the dream the next morning, only later in the day when he called me, the dream came back to me! He thought it was pretty cool, too!

Count down

2011-05-30T20:12:00.006-04:00

All of a sudden the weather turned hot and humid and it felt like summer all weekend. It was nice to have a 3 day weekend and we took off for the Berkshires for a concert on Saturday night. We saw Arlo Guthrie at the Guthrie Center which was the setting for the movie, Alice's Restaurant. We have been going up there for years and haven't been in awhile so it was nice to visit there again.

Today we hung out a little bit in Stockbridge before we headed home.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my employer to discuss my job as I am heading into chemotherapy on Thursday. From what I am told and from what I have read, everyone has a different experience with treatment and if there are side effects they happen 3-7 days after the infusion. Those can be days when many cancer patients may choose to stay home and not work depending on the severity.

I am lucky, as my boss says she will be flexible with my time and is willing to see how this all plays out. Usually after the first round, you know what your pattern is going to be.

I think I have said everything that I could say about chemo in my other posts. Friends tell me that I am brave, but I don't feel brave. Being brave is feeling afraid and choosing to do something anyways. I don't really have a choice about treatment, there is only one standard treatment and if I want to beat this cancer, I must go for it. So here and now I can say that I HATE it when people tell me I am brave. Just saying.

I still hope when I go to bed at night that I will wake up the next morning from this nightmare. I still cry once in awhile during the night and my husband will hold me and let me cry it out. Although most of the time, I am just going through my normal days trying to work and do stuff with friends and make lots of decisions.

People tell me that I have a good attitude. That part hasn't been hard up until now and I hope I can still keep up the good attitude if the situation turns more difficult. So many are praying for me and one of my cousins is walking in my honor at a Relay for Life in June in MA. I have tons of support, how lucky am I?

I will be losing my hair and I have dragged my feet on getting a wig, so that will be on the agenda this week. I have a prescription for 2 wigs. Although I stopped dying my hair years ago, I think I will get one wig gray and one wig with color for fun. Why not? I look forward to freaking people out with new color hair. I need to have some fun!

Night out

2011-05-18T21:41:00.007-04:00

At the end of the appointment with the surgeon last week, I started to cry. She asked me why I was crying and I told her that I was relieved to hear that I was healing well and that there would be no more surgery. She then pulled me to her and hugged me and kissed me hard on the top of my head. It was very motherly and I so appreciated her love and care.

I asked her if I could also travel an hour the next day and go to a concert with my husband. She was all for it! "Cancer is just a little blip out of your whole life, go and live your life!" she encouraged me.

When I was getting dressed, she went out to the waiting room and told my husband that I was clear for work as well as the concert and to go and enjoy!

So I came home Friday after my first day back at work and we got ready to go off to the Litchfield hills to see Buffy St. Marie perform. My husband was a big fan of hers through his teen years but I was not so familiar with her music until I met him. We saw her once years ago and she was great. Now at 70 years old, she is still going strong.

We found a very cool restaurant right next to the theater for dinner and then headed over to get in line. We had front row seats in a quaint little theater in the middle of nowhere. Buffy came on with band and they were just awesome. I am not usually one to be interested in a band because I can't tell a good guitar player or drummer from a bad one. But on this night I was just drawn to the drummer. He played those drums like no one I have ever seen. He had such showmanship and he was so passionate about drumming that it almost seemed like he was one with the drum sticks. I loved watching him!

At the end of the concert, Buffy was came out to sign autographs. We knew this ahead of time, so we were right at the front of the line. I saw them setting up a table for 4 people and realized that the band would be at the table with Buffy and that I would get a chance to meet the drummer named Mike.

So I approached the table and shook the Mike's hand and told him how much I enjoyed the show and said to him that I was mesmerized by his drumming. He was very touched by the compliment and put his hand over his heart and gave me a very passionate thank you! Then he took my hand and kissed it and thanked me again! It was really very sweet! I don't think I have ever had my hand kissed!

Then my husband got his chance to have his CD signed by Buffy and I took a picture of the both of them. Unfortunately, her face came out a little blurry, but I am going to post it anyway!

Labor pains

2011-05-13T15:47:00.008-04:00

I was able to go back to work today! The surgeon gave me the all clear yesterday. The final report was in from my procedures and my lymph nodes officially clear. I thought they were at the surgery, but she said until the official report comes out you never know. She removed 2 nodes instead of 1 because they were small and right next to one another.

The lab report also indicated that they found some more cancer, a non-invasive type. The surgeon said she got it all, the original cancer that sent me to surgery and the new one they found. There was no need for any more surgery and for that I am grateful!

Next week I have two oncology appointments. My primary care encouraged me to go for a second opinion to an oncologist who specializes in the invasive Her2/positives cancer that I have. I don't expect her to say anything different than what the other oncologist has recommended, but you never know. I have researched this type of cancer for hours and the treatment seems to be pretty standard. But I am extremely curious as to what the specialist's opinion will be. And no matter which oncologist I choose, I know chemo is right around the corner for me.

I am gearing up and trying to get ready for chemotherapy. I am not sure how one goes about that however. I read the little booklet from the oncology office called Chemotherapy 101. I read a book called UPLIFT that had all positive vignettes from breast cancer survivors with a whole chapter devoted to chemo. I have scoured the Internet reading all the things that I did and didn't want to know about chemotherapy. I have friends and relatives that have gone through it and shared their their experiences with me.

But I am scared shitless. Who wouldn't be?

Somehow getting ready for chemo reminds me of all the reading and preparation I did before the children were born. I would lay in bed with my baby books and read all about labor and delivery and just try to figure out how it would be for me. How much pain would there be? Could I handle it? What if I couldn't? What if I just wanted to give up in the middle of it all? I think about all the support that is all around you at the time of childbirth, but ultimately you are the one having to do it alone.

In my mind I am equating giving birth to a baby to having chemotherapy. It really doesn't seem to go together, but it does in my mind. All of this preparation and trying to imagine accomplishing something that seems too intense and impossible at times for the sake of something grander.

There will be no beautiful baby at the end of the chemo to cuddle with and make all the suffering be worthwhile, but instead I like to think of it as if I will be giving birth to myself.

It will be a new me, a chance to start over with a healthy body and a new perspective on life.

Thinking of this whole cancer journey as a re-birth is what will keep me going and helping me to prepare for all the uncertainly before me.

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T09:01:00.003-04:00

My younger son moved out last Sunday, making our home an official empty nest. He has been out of college for a couple years, working 3 part time jobs looking for something in his field. In the middle of all of that, he met a girl from out of state and they hit it off and he has been dating her for over one year. He was back and forth every weekend and day off when he could. His goal was to find a job in her city and move up there and be closer to her. It all worked out for him and we are all glad that it did.

When I first got my diagnosis he began to doubt that he wanted to follow through with his plan because he felt he would be needed here at home due to my recent diagnosis. It was all so new and I don't think either one of my sons knew what to expect and how this would play out.

I told my son that he needed to go and live his life that I would be fine, and if indeed we needed him, he was only a couple of hours away. But in my mind, I was glad he would not be around for those days when things might get tough for me.

So once he got the job, it was just a couple of weeks before he moved out. I was in my own little cancer world and didn't take the time to take him shopping and buy some things for his apartment, you know spend some mom and son time. He didn't need me to do that, but I wanted to and couldn't get it together with so much else on my mind. It was even hard for me to be excited for his new job because I was so preoccupied with my health.

We had one night when we all went to dinner and that was nice. So on move -out day we decided to drive up and help him with extra boxes and see his place and get the tour of the city. The plan was for me and my husband to follow him up, but instead I rode up with my son. This gave us some time to have some good conversation and he allowed me to give him a bunch of unasked for mother advice. I didn't over do it, and we had some good and enlightening conversations. A great drive up there!

It was a nice distraction from my pending surgery to spend the day before with him and his girl and to get a peek at where he would be working and his new neighborhood. Beautiful weather, good company, and a great lunch together.

The next morning I headed to the hospital.

Later in the day when surgery was over and I was home, my older son and his wife stopped by with homemade pot roast and offers to be on hand if we needed anything at all. It was so great to see them standing there when I woke up from my nap, still a bit loopy from the anesthesia.

Usually, we take my mom and all go out for a brunch on Mother's Day. But this year is a little different. My own mom was in the hospital for 4 days this week and gave us all quite a scare, but she is home and doing well now, but needs to take it easy.

My older sister will be making dinner for me and my mom and I get to go out of the house for a little while today! I still don't have clearance to go back to work, but the nurse said I could visit my mom on Mother's Day as long as I practiced scrupulous hand washing.

My older son will be coming over with his wife later, and I will see my youngest next weekend.

It was hard on me this week because I could not get up to see my mom in the hospital, due to my surgery. It was hard on my mom because she ended up in the hospital, and she could not visit me after my surgery. Mom and daughter did not like being away from each other in such trying times.

So it is a different kind of Mother's Day this year and we are just going with the flow and will make it a good one!

And to all the moms out there, Happy Mother's Day, to you!

As the world turns

2011-05-05T09:40:00.004-04:00

I have been recuperating nicely. I feel good and have lots of energy that I can't really do anything with! I am very sore still, but it seems to be getting better every day. I am up and dressed to day and plan to do a bit of organizing around here. It will feel good. I am not on any pain medication other than prescription Ibuprofen and it is working just fine.

When I was at the hospital on Monday and they were sticking me with a needle to put in the wire for the surgery, they were trying to distract me, by asking me about the royal wedding and how I felt about Bin Laden's death. To be truthful, I hadn't watched the wedding much. I saw a couple of shots of her dress on the news and that was all that interested me.

Once I heard Bin Laden was dead, I turned off the TV. It didn't make sense to wait for the president to come on to tell us what we already knew. The whole thing kind of scared me and I didn't believe we would be safer with him dead, anyways. I never saw the crowds rejoicing.

I had no opinion on anything, I had spent the last few days concentrating on myself and navigating this new cancer world that I was now a part of and that was all I could take in. The world turned without me paying much attention. I didn't realize how out of touch I was until I saw the look on everyone's faces at the hospital. You would think they of all people would have understood that I had other things on my mind.

Home sweet home

2011-05-02T22:07:00.003-04:00

My surgery went really well and I was home by 3:00 P.M.

My lymph nodes were clear!!!

I am just very sore and tired right now.

My daughter in law and son came over with a crock pot of pot roast for dinner which was a nice treat for us.

I have been napping on and off since I came home.

In an unusual turn of events, my mom had a routine doctor appointment this morning, but fell ill at the doctor. She was taken to the ER where they ran some tests and they found that she was dehydrated. They are keeping her over night for observation.

One of my sisters was with her today and at first they didn't want to tell me what was going on, but later in the afternoon they did. I was able to speak to mom and she sounded like she was doing better.

I am just glad to be home and hope my mom can come home tomorrow!

Saturday update

2011-04-30T16:10:00.010-04:00

My surgery is scheduled for Monday around 10:30 A.M. I have to get an injection for the lymph node biopsy, and they have to insert a wire to lead the surgeon to the titanium markers before they send me off to the operating room.

I haven't really been thinking too much about the procedure this week. I am accepting that this part of the process is just the beginning and will probably be the easiest one to get through. I have so many people praying for me that it is overwhelming. I am so grateful to have so many friends, family, and blogger friends keeping me in their thoughts and prayers and lifting me up.

My sister in law does Shape Note singing and will be at a concert this weekend. She said that there is a part of the program where they sing and pray for people who require healing. She will be putting my name in the mix and there will be 80-100 people of all religions singing and praying for me. I burst into grateful tears when I read that message from her.

Thank you does not seem to be enough to say to people, but I just have to say THANK YOU!

CANCER COORDINATOR

I met with the cancer coordinator on Thursday after an EKG and a Lymph node fluid test. The nurse explained more of the lumpectomy procedure to me and showed me the drain and how to clean it. Hopefully, I won't have to go home with one.

I asked her if the hospital has Reiki volunteers and she said that they don't, but she would be available to me and would come and give me Reiki during my chemo treatments. I thought that was awesome and I know it will be one thing that will help me relax.

Years ago, I took classes in Therapeutic Touch just for my own personal use. Reiki seems to be more well known now, but they work on the same principle of getting the unblocked energy in your body to flow to relax you and boost your immune system.

I also signed up for an Art therapy evening class. I thought I would try it. I am creative, but not much of an artist, yet I love art and I thought it would be a good component of my treatment plan. I tend to eat up this kind of thing.

There is so much research now on the Mind/Body/Spirit connection and hospitals are offering them to help people restore their health. Again, I am lucky that my timing is just right.

MAKE LOVE NOT WAR

I was talking to my therapist the other day and telling her that I am having trouble with the idea of visualizing fighting cancer cells. I am opposed to war and to think of myself as a soldier fighting this disease seems against everything I believe in.

So she asked me what I see. Instead I said that I can visualize myself talking to the cancer and asking it why it is here and what does it want to teach me? I will ask if I can offer it a cup of tea, and maybe we can work something out.

Shadows

2011-04-24T18:22:00.005-04:00

The other day when I stopped by my parents house to say good-bye I stood in front of the big picture window in the living room and thought about all the times growing up I stood in that exact spot. The many times when I was waiting for my boyfriend (now my husband) to come and pick me up for a date. In those days, I could see all the way down to the beginning of the street waiting for his car to come around the bend. Now I notice that the road is over grown with trees and you can't see a car coming until it is ready to pull in the drive way. Gee ,when did those trees get so big?

I would stand at the window and wait for my dad to come home from the farm buildings or fields that used to be across the street or see my grandmother coming up the driveway sweeping all the dirt and dust from the farm away from her house. All those buildings are now long gone, torn down and the land sold, with an strip mall in its place.

I stood by the window for a long time thinking about when I was girl and all the things that I wanted in my life and how so much of it has come true. A husband and a solid marriage, children, a home of our own.

My husband reminds me that I have lived in our house longer than the house I grew up in. I know the math is right, but it still doesn't feel that way. We were in my parents' home just about every week for Sunday dinner, so in some ways I never left.

I just wanted to stay stuck in that spot in front of the window and get lost in memories because I I stood there now with cancer and I was afraid of the future. I know that I need to be positive but in that moment I was scared to leave, I wanted to be that healthy girl who used to stand at the window again. After a while I was able to step back and get my things and get ready to leave.

When I turned around I saw such a beautiful light on the wall behind me from the picture window. It was perfect for making shadows, so I started to fool around and make all kinds of shadow pictures. My husband had his camera and started taking shots.

In this shot I was trying to give the house one great big hug. The shots didn't come out that great, but it was fun.

Some day I will be cancer-free again and this photograph will remind me of the day I said good-bye to the house a few weeks after my diagnosis and I will remark about how far I have come.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T11:00:00.001-04:00

Easter signifies the miracle of transformation: that which occurs when someone's consciousness is raised so high that the normal laws of time and space as we understand them are superseded. May this Easter be a passage for you, from all the deadened places within you to the emergence of new life...Marianne Williamson.

Happy Easter to all!

Over load

2011-04-22T16:08:00.008-04:00

On Wednesday I had nothing medical on the schedule so one girlfriend invited me out for breakfast and it was great to meet up with her. In the afternoon, another girlfriend picked me up and I went with her to a book sale and helped her organize her inventory, then we went to an art museum, and later we went to our local candy factory and bought freshly made Easter candy for our families. It was a wonderful, normal day!

Thursday, we were back on the roller coaster. My husband and I both woke up with stomach aches. I think everything just caught up with both of us and we had an appointment with the surgeon in the afternoon. We just didn't know what to expect.

The morning was bittersweet. We went to the cemetery to visit my dad's grave. It was the first time I have been there since the winter and my diagnosis, and his birthday is next week. I have never felt much comfort in going to the cemetery since he died, but I was happy to be there this time. I like to think that in his spirit form he is there for me and will be surrounding me with courage and strength on the days that I will need it most. In a way I am glad he isn't here to worry about me, but of course I wish he were still here and especially for my mom's sake.

After that visit we stopped by the house where I grew up so I could say my last private good-byes. It is on the market now and has had quite a few showings.

Surgeon Appointment

I love my surgeon. I love the way her eyes light up when she talks and how she smiles so much. I love how she stands right next to me when she is talking and how she speaks to me. I like how she makes serious things sound not so bad. I told her that she was so uplifting. She was touched and grabbed my hand and held it for awhile as she continued to talk to me. At the end of our meeting, she got all excited when she heard my husband was an artist and took down the information on his next art show. She blew me kisses when she said good-bye.

I have the date for surgery now Monday, May 2. They will do a lumpectomy, a biopsy on the lymph nodes, and put in the port for chemo. At first they were talking that maybe I would not need full chemo, but now they are saying full chemo, radiation, a relatively new drug called Herceptin, and hormone treatment. They said I had options for treatment and my hope was just a couple of the options would be used, but as it stands I am getting the full Monte!

So this is where I have to talk about my thought process. Before this diagnosis, my knowledge of breast cancer was zilch. I didn't know there were different kinds, and I thought in my mind that a very small tumor, one that can not be seen or felt would not require such aggressive treatment.

But I was so naive. I am one of the unfortunate 25% of women who has a very aggressive and fast growing cancer. Yep, 1 out 5 who have too much of a cell protein called HER2 which plays a role into turning normal cells into cancer cells. I have tested positive for the HER2 gene and that changes everything.

I was up late last night finally reading more about Herceptin and I found that it has only been used since 2006. Before Herceptin, HER2 positive breast cancer was the most fatal. Today with the Herceptin treatment added to the mix, it has become one of the most manageable breast cancers. That information was a great deal for me to take in.

From what I read, there is a Lifetime movie called Living Proof about the doctor who developed it and how he had to fight the FDA to get it approved . He also needed to get private funding to get the medicine developed. You can be sure it is on my Netflix list.

Needless to say, I learned quite a bit last night from my research. I am very, very, lucky to have such good timing if I was to have this type of cancer, and I have a greater understanding on why my oncologist is recommending such a rigorous treatment.

Scans and scans

2011-04-20T21:42:00.009-04:00

It has been busy the past couple of weeks with tests that my surgeon and oncologist have ordered to see if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. Last week I had a bi-lateral MRI for my breasts. It was my first experience in a closed MRI machine. I was very nervous about doing it as I am on the anxious and claustrophobic side.

I had to focus really hard to keep myself calm (on top of taking a mild sedative)by saying prayers and thinking all positive thoughts. But I did it! I never had to press the panic button and I stayed still. I was on my stomach with my head down so I didn't have to see where I was and I thought that helped me some.

This week I was scheduled for a brain scan, bone scan and CAT scan all on the same day. All the tests involved getting dye injections and the CAT scan also included a mixture I had to drink. I was nervous about doing all the tests on one day, as I was getting confused with all the directions.

A relative of mine is a nurse and she told me not to dare have all those tests on one day as it would too much stress. So I called and I was able to reschedule the CAT scan on another day. I found that machine easy. Drinking the mixture wasn't too bad.

When I went for the CAT scan I had an opportunity to see the brain scan and bone scan machines. Now these two machines made me a bit uncomfortable. For one I would be face up this time and I thought that would be harder. The brain scan had a coil mask that they put your head in to keep it still. (it was open, but it was still creepy) Even though they called it an open MRI, it still had the tube that my head would be going into with the mask on my head.

The bone scan machine had a huge camera that would move over my entire body for 25 minutes. I didn't think I would enjoy that camera when it was directly over my face.

I really wanted to get through these tests without getting panicky. So I decided to bring my sleep mask that I wear to bed every night and put it over my eyes. I decided what I couldn't see would not bother me. So I laid down on the brain scan table, and said, "good-night, girls" to the techs and pulled my sleep mask over my eyes. I visualized myself laying in my bed at home. The scan took 25 minutes. They pulled me out of the machine and unhooked me and then I took off my sleep mask. I never even saw the coil mask that they had put my head in.

So I did the same thing with the bone scan and wore my sleep mask. When the camera was directly over my face it was very dark and it moved very slowly. But again, I just visualized I was laying on my bed and thought positive thoughts and said prayers so I could relax.

As the machine moved passed my shoulders, I could see some light coming through under the mask, and I knew it had passed my head. The tech told me that it had moved, but I knew it before she said it.

The tech thought using a sleep mask was a great idea and she said she wanted to get some to keep in the department for other patients. I hope she follows through and does that because it is a small thing that made an unpleasant experience so much easier!

Checking in

2011-04-17T20:28:00.006-04:00

So I figured out how to safely smash some dishes outside under our deck on flagstone. I wore my safety glasses and went out in the pouring rain and windy weather and smashed. It felt as good as I thought it would fueled with a good loud F**K U Cancer!!!!

My blogger friend Jamie asked if I had pain or symptoms. The answer is no. I feel fine, no symptoms at all. It is very strange to feel so good and have such a serious disease.

My husband told me the other night that he had a dream that he saved me from a bear. We were outside in the back yard and a bear was walking towards me. My husband ran into the house to get some pots and pans and he came running out banging them together to chase the bear away from me. I thought that was a very sweet dream. I know he is there to protect me and he has been a wonderful support. He allows me to do what I need to do and is there for me on every level. How lucky am I? I have a tendency to apologize all the time. He reminds me daily, sometimes hourly, that there is nothing I need to be apologizing for.

I know husbands need extra support at a time like this, so I am glad that a few people have reached out to HIM!

I have a very busy week with a brain scan, bone scan, CAT scan and surgeon appointments scheduled. It was supposed to be vacation week, but life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. -John Lennon

Friday night and it's alright

2011-04-15T22:37:00.003-04:00

Just checking in. No smashing party yet, been waiting for the weekend.

Just so busy at work running around like an idiot getting ready for a very big (400-500 people expected) work event. To make things even more difficult, I found out that my first oncology appointment was scheduled on the same morning. My first reaction was to reschedule it, how could I go to the appointment when I had such a huge work commitment? That kind of thinking was not putting myself first and nor taking care of me. So even though I knew it was wrong to reschedule the appointment for work purposes, I needed my friend to confirm that not
postponing was doing the right thing. So she gave me a good talking to, reminding me that I have cancer and that everything else is secondary and they could cover for me at work. That is what friends are for! They convince you of things you already KNOW, but have a hard time carrying out.

I saw the oncologist and he ordered a slew of tests next week to help determine the stage of my cancer, and felt that surgery should be scheduled within a week or two. Things are moving fast for me now.

So tomorrow morning I will have breakfast with a very good friend and then see my counselor, and that will take up most of my morning and all of my afternoon.

Very, very tired tonight. Off to sleep now.

Riding the waves

2011-04-11T21:27:00.004-04:00

Our accountant said he would do our taxes first and get them right back to us, because we have enough to deal with. A co-worker put a spring plant on my desk this morning. My sisters have Easter covered, I am not to cook a thing. People pass me in the hall at work and they rest their hand on my shoulder as they pass. People who usually don't stop by my office pop their heads in to check in on me. Just little ways to show they care about me yet these little things remind me that everything is different now.

Everything is different, but for most of the day I feel like my old self. Then I remember that I now have cancer and that heavy feeling sets in. It is panic, sadness, fear, dread, all rolled into one, and I need to hang on and ride the wave until it passes. I think every day the waves are coming a little further and further apart, which means that I am coming closer and closer to acceptance.

Since I heard the news all I have wanted to do is smash something. I want to lock myself into a room and fling old dishes hard against the wall. So since the desire to smash something is so strong (and I have a friend who felt the same when she was diagnosed, so I know I am not alone) I am contemplating a smashing session.

My girlfriend wants to put some pottery in a pillowcase and smash it up with a hammer and use the pieces for art work. And I will do that with her because I know it is something she wants to give me. But I know that smashing something against the wall will be far better therapy for me. And we can still use the pieces for art work!

So I must figure out a way to do this that is safe and won't wreck any walls or harm anything. I have some ideas so I will get working on that over the weekend and report back to tell you if the release is as good as I want it to be.

I guess this might sound odd to some of you. I am getting mixed reactions from friends, but it is something that I think I need to do and doggone it, I will!

Head lights to the soul

2011-04-10T20:43:00.010-04:00

I had my first appointment with a surgeon this week. When I walked into the office no one was at the front desk. Within a minute the surgeon herself came out and handed me the paper work to fill out because the receptionist was busy with another patient. It impressed me that she was a hands on kind of doctor and not afraid to go out to the front desk and take care of business. So that was a good first impression.

After I had the check up she called my husband in to talk to us. She said that I had some good things on my side. My tumor is 1 centimeter, I am estrogen positive, and a few other things which mean that I will have options for treatment.

I have been concerned because my other breast has been very sore. I mentioned it to her and she said she couldn't feel anything wrong. I joked that it was having sympathy pains for the other one and the surgeon said that it wasn't unusual to have hormones all messed up at a time like this and that our breasts are the head lights to our soul. She wasn't surprised I was having some discomfort. But I have to say, it is making me nervous.

She said I needed to have an MRI next week on both of the girls to make certain that the cancer has not spread and then see the oncologist the next day for the first appointment. The surgeon said she could have kept me there all day talking, but she didn't want me to get overwhelmed or confused, so things need to go one step at a time. That works for me!

I am holding up the best I can. I have adopted the philosophy that I will allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it. (Depending where I am at the time, of course!) So I cry when I want to and I cry hard. In the shower is a good place to let loose and it has become a daily ritual. But it is good, because once I get it all out of my system, I am ready to get on with the day.

I have always believed in the body/mind/spirit connections and I plan to do my own personal work in this area. I have started to see a counselor and I am going to be making some appointments with an energy healer.

My husband and I went away to Vermont for the weekend. We had a very nice and relaxing weekend and if there ever was a weekend I didn't want to end, this one was it!

In the middle of all this medical drama, my parents' house went on the market. We got together last week to sign the papers and give the house one last look over. We really did a great job renovating it, it looks beautiful. I was OK signing the papers, but on Friday when I looked it up on the Internet, I cried my eyes out.

I know I don't want to live in the house, we tried to go that route and it didn't feel right. It doesn't feel right selling it either, but we had to make that decision. For me, it is triggering all the grief I felt when I lost my dad and also the grief I am feeling over this illness. But I am just going to get through all of the feelings as best as I can and come out the other side in all of this.

That is all I can do, it is all any of us can ever really do.

One cup of tea

2011-04-04T18:48:00.010-04:00

I have a hard time allowing people to do nice things for me (people outside of my family) and right now people want to do more nice things for me than usual. Last Monday I was at the office waiting for a call with results from my biopsy; I was full of anxiety. No one at work knew that I was waiting for any results.

As I was passing through the hallway, a colleague asked me how I was. I said that I was having a tough day but was hoping it would get significantly better by the afternoon. N. stopped what she was doing and asked me if there was anything she could do to help my day get better sooner. Wasn't that sweet? So I said to her that she couldn't do anything because I was waiting for a call with some news, but she could say a prayer. She didn't pry and said of course she would say a prayer for me.

On Tuesday, I ran into N. again and I told I still had not heard anything. Later in the day, I got the call from my doctor's office that they wanted me to come in and talk to him. I knew they were calling me in for bad news. At that point, I got upset and grabbed my tea cup and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. As soon as I saw N. I started to cry. She came over to me put her arm around me and I laid my head on her shoulder. She said, "Is the news about you?" I shook my head yes, I told her that I would be going in an hour to see the Dr. to have the information confirmed, but I was certain they were going to tell me that I have breast cancer. She allowed me to cry and she gave me words of encouragement.

Then she wanted to make me the cup of tea and toast me a bagel. Right away, I am telling her no, no, I can make a cup of tea myself, even though my hands were shaking. Then I realized she wanted to do something to comfort me. So I stepped back, put my hands up and said, "OK, if you want to do that for me, I will accept your sweet offer." N. said, "People like me need to help in a situation like this."

I went back into my office and in a few N. came in with a steaming hot cup of tea and a toasted bagel. I thanked her, she said it wasn't much, but to me it meant the world. At a time when I just wanted to fall into my husband's arms or even my mother's arms and they were not there, N. was an angel who was. And I allowed her to comfort me, which is a new thing for me.

I have a feeling I am going to get a lot more practice.

Speak up

2011-04-03T09:23:00.006-04:00

When I was scheduled for my biopsy, I was trying to mentally prepare for it. When I would try to visualize what I expected to happen, I found that I couldn't quite conjure up a picture in my head. I had stories from other women so I sort of knew what to expect and I had a brochure to look at,(which was never offered until I asked for it) but it wasn't enough for me.

I called the radiology center and asked them if I could come in get a tour of the room and get more information on the procedure. The nurse on the phone was wonderful, she said that would be no problem and to call back on Friday afternoon when the room was not being occupied.

My husband came along with me, and had he not, he would have never seen the room the day of the procedure, as they just call you in and get you going. No time for husbands when it is busy. It was good for him to have information about where I was and what equipment they were using on me while he waited.

So we went in and I saw the room, the machine, the vacuum, and the titanium markers. I felt so much better when I could think about the procedure and know every detail and picture exactly where I would be and what the room looked like. I wanted to see just how small those markers actually were before they put them inside of me. Some places don't even tell the patient ahead of time, the surgeons tell them what they are going to do just as they are about to do it.

So just a suggestion, if you are like me and like to be prepared, don't hesitate to ask for a tour. In most cases they won't offer it, as what they do becomes so routine to the medical staff that they forget it is all brand new to the patient.

FarmStrong

2011-03-31T21:17:00.003-04:00

This has been a very draining week. I went to work the day after I got my diagnosis and I decided that I wanted to tell some of my co-workers about the cancer. It was hard, and people were shocked, but very, very supportive. Sometimes I could talk about it matter of fact, other times I would become very emotional.

My co-workers all told me that I was strong and they were confident that I would get through this. I was touched that they thought I was strong and I needed to hear that. One of my colleagues said I was tough like my dad the farmer and he called me FARM STRONG. I loved that! I decided that FARM STRONG would be the theme that I am now going to use as I move forward through my life.

Another friend at work had the same cancer that I was diagnosed with and she was a big help with technical information. She has been cancer free for 10 years. I am so lucky to have her at work as she will be very supportive and help me through the days.

And still another friend had the exact same diagnosis also 10 years ago. So I will have plenty of support!

What is driving me crazy right now is some sort of rash that I am getting on and off. I see the doctor tomorrow to get that checked out.

My phone has been ringing off of the hook with people calling to share their experiences and support. Last night, I sat on the couch about nine o'clock and felt I could not speak another word.

Thank you for all of the comments of support and concern. I really appreciate you all. You have been with me through tough times before, and I could not do it with out you.

Crisis or an opportunity for growth?

2011-03-29T21:13:00.005-04:00

I was diagnosed today with breast cancer. I still can't believe it is true even after sitting with the doctor and reading the lab report over and over again. 85% of biopsies are benign, and I fell into the 15% of women who have positive results.

I had a post up last week about the titanium breast markers that they wanted to put in during the procedure. (I took the post down, not sure why.) I was fighting having the markers put in because I didn't want foreign objects in my body, but they said it would be necessary in case things turned bad.The markers would help them to find the exact spot where the biopsy had been performed. After much stress and discussion with radiology and my dermatologist, I agreed to it. I guess that was the right decision considering the outcome.

I will be seeing an oncologist and a surgeon asap. I know there are a lot of you out there that have been through this or are going through it right now. I have a strong supportive family and wonderful friends. I will get through this.

The hardest part was telling my sons and my 85 year old mom. I am glad that part is over.

I still am hoping that this is all a dream and I will wake up from it soon! Shake me, wake me, please!

Interviews

2011-03-25T21:22:00.003-04:00

My husband had an opportunity to do a telephone interview with Janis Ian for his radio show this week. Janis is songwriter, performer, and author with 9 Grammy Nominations. Her songs "At 17" and "Society's Child" are in the Grammy Hall Of Fame. I listened to her at lot when I was in high school as I so related to the song "At 17." Does anyone remember it? I learned the truth at 17 that love was meant for beauty queens... And dreams are all they gave for free to ugly duckings girls like me.

My husband had never done an interview with an artist before, so he was a bit nervous and also very excited to have this opportunity. He said it all went well and we will all hear it in a couple of weeks on his radio show.

So on Tuesday he was off doing his interview and my younger son showed up on the Today Show. He had been in New York a few weeks ago and he ran into the the Today show crew setting up at the NBC store, so he hung around and he was interviewed for a segment on Lucky Charms. We all missed it when it was on TV, but other people called to tell us they saw it, so we were able to find it on the Internet.

My day on Tuesday was very boring in comparison.

There is a hole in the bucket

2011-03-13T13:57:00.002-04:00

All the ice and snow on the pool this year caused our liner to break and all the water drained out of the pool. The husband has grown tired of the pool up keep and thinks this is a good time to take it down and be done with it. It is a lot of work and an expense to own a pool, but I enjoy it so much. There is nothing more soothing to me than making whirlpools in the pool on a sunny day in my back yard.

We put the pool up about 22 years ago. I think this might be our third liner. He isn't sure the rest of the pool is sturdy enough to put more money into it. He wants it gone. The pool deck needs some work, too, so he would be happy to get rid of it all.

This is one of those issues where we have to come to some compromise or one of us has to give in to the other. He does do all of the maintenance so he does have a point. But I have counter points.

We will see what happens. I suppose this is a silly thing with what is happening all over the world with lately. The world is falling apart and I sit here whining about my swimming pool. But day to day stuff still goes on and decisions have to be made, regardless of how insignificant.

Saturday get away

2011-03-13T13:25:00.002-04:00

Yesterday we decided to take off in the morning and take a ride up to Newport, Rhode Island. Little did we realize that it was their St. Patrick's Day parade and we would get stuck getting off of the bridge and every darn road would be closed for the longest parade ever.

So it wasn't the day we planned to have, but getting away is always good. The sky was bright and clear and we did make it to visit a couple of the beaches and take some good pictures. Downtown was just out of control. It was the start of spring break and there were more drunk college kids than I have ever seen in one place before. So we didn't hang around there too long.

On the way home we stopped in at the casino. My husband and I have only been there a few times. While it is fun to play the slots for a little while, I don't want to throw money away like that. So I spent my big $5.00 at the penny machine. My husband isn't interested in slot machines at all, so he just hung around me waiting. Then we grabbed some dinner and headed home.

Today I am staying close to home. Lots of catch up stuff to do around here.

Boob tube

2011-03-10T21:44:00.003-05:00

I have been watching way, way too much TV. I am following American Idol once again, and I realize it just has been eating up hours of my time. I enjoy the music and I do think that this season has some of the best talent yet. I pretty much watched all of the auditions and I never do that! I usually wait until they pick the top 10 to watch. So I will be addicted to this show until the finale in May.

We have also been watching Mad Men on DVD and having Mad Men Marathons! Hours of TV.

I must find some hobby. I need some inspiration.

Monday check-in

2011-02-21T07:57:00.003-05:00

Saturday morning we spent up at my parents' house packing up all the stuff we were getting rid of from the house. We had a whole garage full of good stuff, furniture, kitchen stuff, clothes, linens, etc. It was so cold on Saturday and we were in and out of the house dragging stuff into the garage and clearing out the cellar. We had a two hour window of when the truck was coming which turned into a 3 hour window.

My siblings were there and our husbands and my niece. Mom stopped by, too. When we realized we would be there longer than planned, we decided to go and pick up Subway grinders and have some lunch. We sat around our dining room table the one where we have had all our Sunday dinners and had our lunch. The dining room table is the only piece of furniture left in the house. We toasted with our coke bottles thinking it may be the last meal we have around that table in that house.

It was good team work and a good feeling of accomplishment to get so much done. I had not been feeling well all morning so I was ready to go home when things were done and when I got home I was in full blown chills. I just got right into bed with my mattress pad heater turned way up and I was shivering and shaking. I slept most of the day and was up on and off in the night sick.

Spent the rest of the weekend resting and napping.

No work today due to winter break, which is a good thing. Not sure I would have made it in today. Feeling better, but I am so weak from not eating much over the weekend.

So hoping I will perk up today and get some stuff done around here and feel normal again!

Travels in the night

2011-02-20T11:47:00.005-05:00

The family farm. View from the top of the hill, 1950.

Thursday night I had a dream that I was standing on top of the hill across the street from my parents' house overlooking the family farm as it was like when I was growing up. It was in the middle of the night and I was barefoot and in my nightgown. I had my camera and I was taking pictures of the farm in the dark, in the snow, well aware that I was standing on snow and it was not cold. I was thinking that this was my favorite place to be. It crossed my mind how I would get back down the long hill with no shoes and a bum knee, but the thought was fleeting.

I kept taking pictures and looking at them in the LCD screen. I had the ones all picked out that I was going to post on FB. Although I can only remember one of the photos now. I could see a silhouette of myself in the photo and wondered to myself how I could take the picture and be in it at the same time.

Then I woke up (or so I thought) in my old bedroom at my parents' house with the camera right next to my bed. I grabbed it looking for all the pictures. They were gone. My husband came in and I was telling him about the pictures as I frantically looked again and again through my digital photos. My husband told me I must have dreamed it all. But I knew it wasn't a dream. I took those pictures and they self destructed like a message from an episode of Mission Impossible.

I woke up (this time for real) in my own bed and I thought that it was a good idea to go up the hill and take pictures of the farm in the winter. In that moment my head cleared and I realized I had been dreaming and then I remembered how everything was gone now. The farm, the buildings, and the farmers.

I thought about my dream all day long, how empowering it felt to be standing up on that hill in the middle of the night and even though everything is gone in real time, it is still there in heart and soul and possibly in another dimension far away.

Getting closer

2011-02-15T19:40:00.011-05:00

It is Tuesday night, my husband is at the radio station doing his show and I am listening while I blog. I like to listen on-line because the sound is so much better than on the radio.

He is playing some Mary Chapin Carpenter right now, Stones in the Road. I love that song.

My parents' home is just about renovated and our aim is to put it on the market by March 1. It makes me sad to think about selling it. Yet, I know picking up and moving there did not feel right either. So I am just going to go through this and cry when I feel like it and grieve its' loss.

I am thinking about having a little house blessing before we sell it. Maybe get my kids and my husband to go over there with me one night and just say good-bye to each and every room and share some memories.

I can't imagine never going to the house again and every time I think about it, I weep.

Preoccupied with weather

2011-02-04T18:31:00.002-05:00

The roofs are collapsing all over our state. I hate watching the news, it is so scary. We received an automated call from our city encouraging all residents and business owners to shovel their roofs and to look out for cracks in ceilings. It is very unnerving all around.

Tomorrow a wintry mix is due and a big storm coming on Thursday. I know of 4 grown men who have slipped and fallen on the ice, one needing surgery for his injuries. There have been reports of professional roofers falling off roofs while cleaning them. The driving is still difficult as now the ice is falling from trees and power lines causing a scare as you are driving along.

Right now I am sitting in my kitchen with my cup of tea and just trying to relax and think about what to do this weekend. Tomorrow seems like another stay at home day catching up on house stuff.

I have not worked a full week for the past 3 weeks. We have never had a winter like this one and we still have a ways to go. Just trying to hang in there.

Breaking records

2011-01-28T17:23:00.007-05:00

The snow fall around here is making headlines and headaches for all of the state. Many of our towns are calling for a state of emergency because they have run out of the snow plowing budget and can't keep up with the snow removal. Some parts of the state have piles 41 inches high. We have broken all records for snow fall in January at 4 feet and 11 inches. The most since 1945!! And there is a possible snow storm coming next week sometime! We have missed 5 days of school (some towns have missed a whole week)so far.

Driving around is like playing Russian Roulette, because when you come to a stop, the drifts are so high you can not see if anyone is coming. You need to inch your way out and can't see the oncoming traffic until your car is all the way out and then you are in danger of getting hit! It is very unnerving.

Everyone is pretty grumpy and just wishing the winter away and longing for spring. I am trying not to get so moody over it. We can't change what is so we just have to accept it. So I am making the best of these snow days. Yesterday, I totally organized my messiest kitchen cabinets. I am so happy with how easy I can find things today. That was worth a snow day to me. lol!

I am not able to shovel too much snow, so I am going out of my way to cook special meals and take on more chores inside to make up for it. I so appreciate my husband and my sons and how hard they are working to shovel us out.

I just had my first ever town emergency automated telephone call. When the phone rang and it gave the emergency prompt, it was a bit startling because I have never received a phone call like that and I was worried about what was happening. Sigh of relief that it was about the parking ban! Parking ban in effect until further notice. Most our our streets are plowed so that only one car can pass at a time, so those plow trucks still need to be out there plowing the streets to widen them.

Roofs and entire buildings are collapsing under the weight of the snow, so it can be a very dangerous situation. I am trying not to watch the news too much and just stay as mellow as I can as it does not look like this is going to be over for awhile!

Just another Wednesday night

2011-01-26T22:34:00.004-05:00

We were all prepared for a snow storm to come in later this afternoon, so when it started at 10:00 A.M. we were all surprised. The snow came down steady and heavy and before we knew it, it was an early dismissal day. It let up by the time we were dismissed making the drive home easier than expected.

I headed straight home and settled into my kitchen and cooked up a storm. I made an eye of round roast,smothered with some Merlot and French onion soup. Potatoes and carrots on the side along with a green bean casserole. Delicious!

After supper we watched the first episode of MAD MEN. I found it hard watching the show because there was so much sexism, it was pushing my buttons! But it sure was indicative of the times as it takes place in 1960. One episode was enough for tonight and we will watch another tomorrow.

I took a break from the TV and then turned it back on to watch the last half hour of American Idol. I don't usually watch until they get down to the top 10, but of course I wanted to see how it was going with the new judges. I like them and it seems like it will be a good season, because the talent looks awesome.

Now I am listening to my Grooveshark account. I love the instant access to music. I should be in bed, but I am betting there will be no work tomorrow and staying up late listening to my music. The wind is howling out there, the snow is drifting, mixed in with an icy rain. Wondering if we will get any of that snow thunder I am hearing about on the news?

I have had so much time off due to the snow storms that I feel like I semi-retired! I like the feeling!

Dinner for two

2011-01-21T09:20:00.003-05:00

Home for another snow day. Our 4th in 2 weeks! Lots of snow and ice hitting our state this year. But of all the snow storms, this one isn't dropping too much snow on us and seems to be winding down already. And most of all, the sun is now shining! Maybe we won't be shut in all day after all!

I had dinner last night with a friend from my home town. We weren't real close growing up, but in high school she dated the brother of my best friend and we got to know each other then. I have only run into her twice since graduation 40 years ago, but when I friended her on Facebook, I knew that she would be someone that I would want to connect with in person. Luckily she felt the same way.

There is something about being with someone from your childhood. Of course there are the memories, but being with someone who knows your history, your family and remembers events and people that you have long forgotten has a very healing effect on me. I was beside myself with happiness being with her last night.

She is now a widow, and she shared that very sad chapter of her life, but she seems to be moving forward and doing well.

We sat in the restaurant for 2 and a half hours and would have stayed longer if the place wasn't clearing out.

When she asked me how long I have been married, I told her it would be 36 years in May. She said she would give anything to be able to say that she had been married for so long. It made my eyes fill up with tears for her, and made me realize that as much as I try to appreciate each day, I am not as present as I want to be.

It was a good night for memories, to reconnect, to reflect, and just appreciate everything good in my life.

Times gone by

2011-01-13T12:35:00.007-05:00

We are heading out in a couple of hours to a wake of a young man who grew up across the street from us. I am nervous about going. I can't imagine the pain the family is in. All the paper said is that he died peacefully in his sleep - at age 22. We have heard some rumors, but who knows what is really the truth. All that matters is their beloved son is gone.

My son used to play with him just about every day when they were little. My son is a little older than he was, but he did better with younger kids than he did with his peers at the time, so it was good relationship for him. And the boy looked up to my son, which was a nice older brother kind of thing for him. They moved away when the boy was in middle school as the parents were divorcing and we have not seen the family since. My son recently connected with him some on Facebook, but hadn't seen him. But still the bond from those early years are strong.

Last night we watched Toy Story 3. My son has been recommending it for awhile saying how great it was and how the storyline was so touching. So my husband ordered it on Netflix. I have to say, it was much better than I expected. The animation was just amazing and the script very well written. It was very sad in some parts and a few scenes brought tears to all of our eyes, and the ending, well, that just left me sobbing.

As we were watching the movie, my son remembered how our neighbor boy had Buzz Light Year and Woody as his toys as well. That made the movie even sadder for us all.

Hello Benedict

2011-01-12T21:01:00.009-05:00

Snow storm Benedict hit our state today with a record snow fall of 22 inches and more in some parts. The state was closed down today for all non essential employees and all schools were closed. Some schools have already canceled for tomorrow.

Posted are some pics from around our yard and of my husband who decided to do some snow shoeing with 40 year old snow shoes. Although the digging out was difficult, the snow fall was beautiful and the temperature in the 30's. So all in all it was a picturesque New England day.

Pay it forward

2011-01-08T20:04:00.008-05:00

One of my favorite blogs is called Enjoying the Small Things. I discovered it about one year ago when blogger Kelle Hampton posted the birth story of her Down Syndrome baby, Nella.

The story blew me away. I don't think I ever have read anything so powerful, raw, and beautiful. The photos were stunning. I was hooked on the blog and have followed her since. I often cry when I read her posts. Never because they are sad, always out of inspiration and joy. When I checked back at the birth story the other day, she had over 3,000 comments.

Nella will be one years old in two weeks. Mama Kelle decided to pay it forward and asked her followers to donate $5.00 in honor of Nella and all Down Syndrome children to the National Association of Down Syndrome. She set a goal of $15,000 which she thought was scary. In less than 24 hours she hit her goal and has now doubled her goal to $30,000.

For this special blog post she sent out a request to all the moms of children with Downs and asked them for a picture of their child to accompany the post. It is awesome and inspiring.

Check it out! www.kellehampton.com/ and be prepared to be inspired!

Motivation comes in all forms

2011-01-06T21:42:00.004-05:00

I renewed my membership at the therapeutic pool yesterday. If you signed up for 3 months, you got the 4th one for free. So I am covered until May 5. I am hoping that paying so far ahead will motivate me to use the pool on a regular basis. My joints seem to be so much stiffer this winter and I am in constant pain. Hard to think of doing any other exercises but stepping into the warm water and swimming. I believe that as long as I am moving, it will do me good.

The CD that I listen to in my car for the first hour of my travels on the road for my job is by Lousie Hay, the best selling author of You Can Heal Your Life. It is called 101 Power Thoughts. I enjoy listening to it and have heard it many times. Each time something new stands out. Sometimes I am moved to tears by some of the affirmations that resonate with me. When I am listening I think about my kids and other friends whom I think would benefit from this and I am tempted to go out and buy them copies. But I don't. I think people have to find their own way and if you try to push a concept or strategy at them like that, they will resist. So I may mention it here and there a few times to plant a seed, and if they are interested they can ask me to borrow it or get it on their own.

I enjoy Lousie's calming and soothing voice and I so want to be inspired!

On an unrelated note, the icons to underline or justify,etc. have disappeared from this page. Does anyone have any idea how I would get them back?

Swear Sisters

2011-01-05T20:42:00.008-05:00

I grew up with a lot of hot headed Italian males. It was pretty much normal in our family to have a family gathering disrupted with them yelling swear words at one another around us kids. "Go kiss my ass," they would yell back and forth when they had a disagreement. "Go to hell", was pretty commonplace and maybe a "God damn it" here and there, and definitely many shits!

As animated as the men folk were, I never heard any language stronger than the words above, so compared to today's standards they were pretty tame I think.

I didn't swear too much as a teen-ager. Maybe an "Oh,shit" when I made mistakes, but not much more.

My husband's father is an English gentleman. Never have I heard even a damn come out of his mouth and following suit, my husband doesn't swear either.

Somewhere along the line after marriage and having kids, swearing became more commonplace for me. In reflecting back, I am not sure why. Maybe the stress of life got to me and swearing helped to relieve it? In keeping with family values the F word was NEVER spoken, but those other words above were flying out of my mouth more and more often.

One day when I was visiting with my sister and having a conversation with her, my young son came in and pointed out that we were saying swear words. He dubbed us the "swear sisters." It was funny, but also a wake up call to be more aware of young listening ears.

Today, I do swear more at home and have picked up saying the F word. I watch HBO and all the words are uncensored so it almost becomes natural to say the word when you hear it so often. And you all might remember how funny I think Kathy Griffin is and for sure her language is raunchy. Although my language may be colorful at home, I would never swear any word at all at work. When I told the swear sisters story to my co-workers, none of them could believe it. "Lena, a swear sister? You have got to be kidding me!"

I work in a school with some street wise kids. We hear the F bomb frequently and they lose behavior points for that kind of talk, but it really doesn't stop them from saying it. And although they have consequences for saying it, I sort of wonder how fair that is when the music, movies, and all our popular culture now have the F word ingrained in them. I note that once the kids leave for the day, it isn't uncommon to hear other co-workers using that word amongst one another without skipping a beat.

So the other day, I watched the latest video by Cee Lo Green, called F*** Y**. I thought it was a very clever and funny video. I especially enjoyed how the back up singers got to sing this refrain, "Ain't that some shit?". It made me laugh and I just pictured myself singing back up so sassy and free and giving my co-workers something to talk about!

I guess it isn't too outlandish, being a former swear sister and all!

My Music Man

2011-01-04T19:49:00.002-05:00

Tonight my husband's radio show is on the air. He is currently volunteering at a local college radio station. He really enjoys this as he originally majored in TV-Radio when he was in college and had his own show then. When he graduated from college there were no jobs to be had in the field and he ended up in social services. Now retired, he is free to return to his passion. And passion it is as he knows so much about music and so many obscure artists. His show is a blend of acoustic Americana and Folk music.

It is a big commitment though. He had to train and take the test and now he has to attend station meetings and do community service hours for the station. But it is the perfect situation for him.

So when I can, I tune in and listen to him when I am working on the computer or doing something where I am staying put near the radio. If he knows I am listening he will play a favorite song of mine and give me a shout out. Reminds me of the days way back when we were first married and he was working at Ithaca College radio station.

A friend of ours has tried for years to break into the music business, but it never worked out for him. He has recorded many CD's and written all the songs hoping for his big break. My husband was able to play one of his songs one evening and our friend happened to be listening. He was thrilled beyond belief. His wife took the play list off of the station website and framed it. While playing the song did not afford him the big break he has been in search of, it sure made him happy.

I think it is cool that my husband can make people's dreams come true by just playing their music.

So every week he is supposed play 4 new artists and he spends the week listening to all the new CD's that come his way and then plays what he likes. The artists usually check the play lists and write him a thank you note as they are very grateful for the airtime. Maybe someone he is introducing will be a big star some day.

One never knows.

January 1, 2011

2011-01-01T19:24:00.003-05:00

Today it was around 50 degrees out. Just a beautiful sunny day for New Year. We took another ride to the the shoreline. We decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and get out and enjoy it.

New Year's Eve was nice and quiet. We made a roast and had a late dinner and watched a movie. I was sound asleep by midnight. I had a very interesting dream where I was reading a novel. I have no idea the name of the book, but I remember I was enjoying the book. I never dreamed that I was reading before! Not very exciting, but funny.

All our decorations are put away and the house is back to normal. Monday I will go back to work. I have not missed it at all. I love being home with my retired husband. I need to start making a plan for retirement for myself soon.

Good-bye 2010

2010-12-31T17:51:00.007-05:00

Next year will bring whatever next year brings, but what you bring TO it will make all the difference. Marianne Williamson

Another New Year's Eve. We are staying in tonight after a taking a ride down to the shoreline this afternoon and then stopping for lunch at our favorite seafood place. We do that often. We stop by our favorite beach and take more photos and I wonder how many pictures of the same beach we can possibly take. But we do. Something about the sea and the sand that brings a peacefully feeling to our day.

I think about 2010 as I am reading blogs by people who are reflecting on their life from this year. The things they have done and the places they have been. I can't think of any stand out experiences from this particular year. Nothing big to cross of my bucket list. Some little things,which I guess is better than nothing at all. Needless to say, there are many things which I am grateful for and I try to count my blessings often.

I am standing in the shadows of my husband lately, as he pursues his art and his own radio show. Retirement sure agrees with him and although I am proud of his achievements, I think I am feeling a bit envious and wanting something special for myself. I keep thinking it is right around the bend, but maybe I am waiting to run into it instead of going after it.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I know damn well I won't keep them. Hardly anyone does. I have been trying lately to change my thinking and become more mindful of the negative messages I tell myself. I listen to positive affirmations CD's in my car and I am stunned by how negative the tapes in my head are. Why did it take so many years to become aware?

But aware I have become and I do find it fascinating in a strange way to be examining my thinking and to believe that if I can change how I think I can change my life.

2011- I am waiting for you.

Holiday weekend

2010-12-29T08:28:00.006-05:00

Christmas 2010 was great. We spent 3 days in a row with family. Thursday night with my sister and brother-in-law who had us all over for pizza so we could visit with their daughter and her husband to be with their very first grandchild. She is the first great-grandchild for my mother. It was so fun having a little one on Christmas! She is only 8 months old now, but she was bright eyed and loving all of the attention and enjoying opening her gifts. Something about having a baby around that makes every occasion that much more enjoyable!

Christmas Eve we visited my other sister's home and my mom made mussels and baked shrimp. I don't care for mussels, but I did enjoy the shrimp immensely. I brought over some chicken caccitore for those allergic to shell fish. It is my grandmother's recipe and I haven't made it for awhile, and oh, it was so very good if I do say so myself!

On Saturday, Christmas Day I was expecting 14 relatives. We had invited my side of the family and my husband's side. My 85 year old Italian mother insisted on making her lasagna because, "it isn't Christmas without Lasagna." I did not argue, but still decided to make a Smithfield ham as well. Everything was delicious!

We had my father in law here who was recently placed in facility for those with memory impairments. Although he does not know us individually, he knows he is with his family. It took a great deal of work to have him here, and my brother in law and my husband took charge of him to make it work. It was touching to see how caring and attentive they are to their dad, who admits he does not really remember them.

Last year we buried my dad 4 days before Christmas, it was a hard time. This year we have 2 new people added to our family. The first great grandchild and my younger son's new girlfriend. My son has been dating V. for a while now and it seems to be a serious relationship. I was thinking how one year ago, neither the baby nor the girlfriend were around. They never knew my dad. But their presence this Christmas meant so much to me. They reminded me that life goes on, that the family keeps growing, more people come into the fold that bring love and joy, even though you miss those who have passed.

It was a very busy three days, a great deal in one weekend, but it was all good! I actually enjoyed the snow storm the day after Christmas. I just relaxed and watched movies and put away the Christmas decorations. It was a lazy and cozy day following a weekend of holiday cheer.

Good will gone wrong

2010-12-21T21:39:00.004-05:00

One more story about gift donations.

There was another organization that we worked with over the years that also adopted families during the holiday season. I would get the list of gifts and sizes from the families and pass them on to this organization. They would shop (or we assumed they shopped...more on that later) and then bring all the gifts to their annual Christmas party and wrap them all up. They would deliver to us and we would deliver to the family.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was running around town delivering gifts to all of our clients. It was a very cold day and it had snowed the day before. I was going to homes that had not been shoveled out yet, and I had no boots. My feet were getting soaked.

It was also the day of our annual Christmas Luncheon. So after I ran around town all morning playing Santa, I went to lunch with my office. After our lunch we were let out early due to the holiday. But one of our gift donors had to go to a funeral and had not delivered gifts for the last family I had on my list. I had no choice but to sit in an empty office and wait all afternoon for her to arrive.

Now the family that was to be receiving these gifts was a single mom with a very sad story. Her husband had passed away on her wedding anniversary. Her toddler son went to wake up his daddy that morning and he found him dead in his bed. He had died of a brain hemorrhage during the night. Now it was her first Christmas since her husband passed away and I knew it was going to be a difficult one for her. So I was glad we were able to help her make it a special Christmas for her son.

Finally the gifts arrived and mom was soon at my office to pick them up. I was free to go home!

As soon as I got home, I drew a hot bath and soaked in it for a long time. I was thinking about how stressful it was for us at my office because not only do we have to make sure our own families are taken care of at Christmas, but also our clients and their families. I was tired, but I was feeling good that all my clients would have plenty of gifts for their children and a good meal. I breathed a sigh of relief and started to relax and put the day behind me.

I usually took the day after Christmas off from work, but this particular year I decided to go in. I wasn't at work too long when the phone rang. It was the single mom I wrote about above. I knew this wasn't going to be a good call by how upset she sounded. She told me that the gifts she received were old and the toys were broken and had pieces missing and then she sobbed and sobbed, saying it was the worst Christmas she ever had. She could not stop crying.

My heart sank, I felt so awful, there were no words to express how sorry I was. My heart just broke for this poor woman and her son. There was no consoling her. I think getting all that old broken crap for Christmas just put her over the edge. All I could do was apologize and let her vent.

As soon as I hung up from her, I called a few of my other clients and they said they also had received junk!

I called the organization and let them know what happened, they were so sorry. We had been working with this particular organization for years and we never had any problems before. But I guess this particular year they had a few new members who did not follow the rules about buying brand new gifts!

So we changed our rules and told them we would no longer be accepting wrapped gifts from them. We didn't take wrapped gifts from any place else, but they were an extension of our agency and they got to make their own rules. They had insisted on wrapping all of the gifts first because it was part of their tradition at their annual party and it was so much fun for them. They did understand where we were coming from and agreed from now on, only unwrapped gifts!

So coordinating Christmas gifts for needy families taught me many lessons! My first year there I was excited thinking it would be so much fun, but mostly it was very draining. I could write more on this topic, but I think you all get the picture!

'Tis the Season

2010-12-20T19:44:00.005-05:00

Years ago, I worked at a social service agency that served many low income people. When the holidays rolled around we worked with other organizations and businesses that "adopted" our families to ensure that they would have a good meal and gifts for the kids under the tree on Christmas morning. It all sounds good and it pretty much was good, but it was also a very interesting experience for me.

One year a group of employees at a local business wanted to adopt a family. Since there were a lot of staff, I paired them with a single mother who had six children. They mother gave me a list of things that the kids wanted and I passed it on to the one coordinating the gift giving. They had never adopted a family before and they were very excited about making it a good Christmas for the family. As Christmas got closer, the woman was calling me everyday telling me what gifts they were adding to the list. They decided to go above and beyond what was on the list and were chipping in to buy bikes and other big gifts. When I checked with the mom she was thrilled that the business was going all out for her kids and it was turning into the best Christmas they had ever had. That right there worried me. They were going over the top and I wondered if every Christmas after this one would be a let down. But I didn't say a word. They were being generous and the mother was all excited.

A couple of days before Christmas, I got another call from the woman in charge of the Christmas gifts. She said that all the employees were so excited about the gifts they bought, that they decided they wanted to be at the house on Christmas morning and see the faces of the kids when they opened all of their gifts. My heart sank. I had to explain that our clients identities were confidential and we could not release the names without the mother's permission. But more than that I knew the mom would never want to let a dozen strangers in her home on Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents. Who would want to do that? I tried to explain to the woman that the children did not know that their mother was so low on money that she could not afford Christmas gifts for them. The mom had a lot of pride and it was hard for her to accept help, but she was doing so for her kids.

The lady from the business got so mad. She started yelling at me, reminding me how much money they spent on gifts for the kids and it was their "right" to be at their house on Christmas morning. She said she was not looking forward to going back to the other employees to tell them that they could not go over to the house.

I knew this mother would be mortified that these people wanted to come over and intrude on her Christmas with her kids. She didn't want them to know who she was and have everyone know she was down on her luck.

So the woman and I went back and forth and back and forth. I tried to remind the woman that the real purpose of gift giving was giving without expecting anything back. I stressed how good-hearted they were for taking on this project and just maybe they were losing sight of why they were doing this in the first place.

She was good and mad at me. But when the day came for them to deliver the gifts to me, they came with them all. I then called the mother and she came and picked up all the gifts for her and her children and was very, very thankful.

That particular business never called me again to adopt any more families at the holidays.

Change of plans

2010-12-18T10:35:00.004-05:00

Christmas is this week, and I am so not ready. I thought I had more spirit in me this year, but I was so caught up with other concerns that I let the time get away from me.

We were all involved with renovating my parents' house and hoping to move as soon as possible. In my head I was visualizing being in by Christmas. I had the mantel all decorated in my head and the house was coming along nicely. More than nice, the rooms we re-did were beautiful. Yet, everyday I was waking up with a stomach ache, there was something deep inside of me that was not happy about the move. While I believed I would enjoy living in the house, I knew in my gut that I was not really wanting to pick up my life and move, not at this point in time anyways. My husband wanted the move, my son was going to buy our house, and all of my family was happy that the house would stay in the family. How could I back out now?

So I carried on for weeks waking up feeling sick, wishing I could get out of the situation, and yet trying to talk myself into it. Don't get me wrong, there were many pros to the move, but the cons were nagging at me and I could not make peace with them.

Then there was a twist of fate, there were some snags and it looked like my son would not be buying our house. I should have been disappointed, but to my surprise I was relieved. Since plan A was not going to happen, all of my family expected us to go to plan B as we discussed. That would entail us putting our home on the market and then moving forward with the purchase of the other house.

My husband and I went through a week of soul searching, and it was not easy. There was a part of me that was having difficulty letting go of the house, but on the other hand, how could I move forward when I had all of these nagging doubts? I needed to feel 100% good about the move, and I didn't. My husband started to have his doubts, too. We moved too fast and maybe for the wrong reasons.

Last Sunday we had a sit down with our family and broke them the news that we would not be buying the house and we thought it best if it goes on the market. I was so nervous about talking to them, but they were wonderful. No one wanted us to make a move if we were not going to be happy doing so.

So this week, I have been feeling relieved and happy that I am not moving. No more waking up with a stomachache about the situation. When I visit the house and check on the renovations, I am sad that we won't be the ones enjoying the house, but yet I know it my heart that I am making the right decision.

Still Thankful, but exhausted!

2010-11-26T08:41:00.004-05:00

Another Thanksgiving under our belts. Last year was a hard Thanksgiving for our family. This year it was a back to normal kind of holiday. Well, kind of normal despite it being the first Thanksgiving without my dad.

I had 11 people at my house for dinner. My mother and in-laws and a couple of my aunts, as well as, my kids, niece, and brother in law. All 5 of our elder crew are all well over the age of 80! We are really lucky to have them with us. They all are still active and cooking, so they brought over their specialty dishes as well!

I made the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cornbread casserole and an assortment of appetizers.

My guests brought over sweet potatoes, squash casserole, creamed onions, green beans, salad, pumpkin and apple pies. An abundance of food, family, and love.

I made a cornbread stuffing that I saw on the Oprah Show. It is very labor intensive, but oh so good! Rave reviews from the elder crowd and those don't come easy!

Check it out here:

http://www.oprah.com/food/Thanksgiving-Stuffing-with-Cornbread

Saturday update

2010-11-13T08:26:00.003-05:00

This week was a short work week and I loved it. No work on Veterans' day so I made time to go down to sign up for pool membership at the physical therapy facility in town. When I walked into the pool area and saw that it was completely handicapped accessible with a ramp so you can just walk into the pool, I was delighted. Easy in and easy out. So I spent an hour or so of my day off there and I loved being in the water. The warm water felt good on my very painful joints. Everyone there was handicapped in one way or another. We were all over 50, some well over. It reminded me of the movie Cocoon, where all the elders were swimming in the pool. I was laughing to myself and also thinking about how old I am now, and although I don't feel it on the inside, I sure look it on the outside.

The other day at work, I had an incoming text message from my boss during a meeting with a young director. She was astonished that the boss would be texting me and that I knew how to text. So she asked me if my children had taught me how. I have to say I was a wee bit offended by that. I mean, how hard is it to learn how to text? So I told her no, that I had taught myself. She said she taught her mom. I guess in that moment, I realized how she saw me as an old woman. Blah! Oh, well. I am old enough to be her mom, so that is that. Whippersnapper!

Later we took in some musical theater, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying." We both enjoyed it so much! I found it to be my favorite among the series.

My husband's dad is now in a residential facility geared for adults with Alzheimer. It is a very nice setting and word of mouth has been excellent about the care people receive there. It was hard to make that final decision, but all things hard are necessary and it is a good thing for the family.

Between all the work with his dad and his injuries, no work got done on the house for a couple of weeks. Since my husband is still recovering and in a lot of pain, we decided to hire out for some help. I am thankful he agreed to do that because there was no way he could do it all alone. I don't think he realized the toll it was taking on him because... he isn't getting any younger either!!

Later this afternoon, we are hoping for a get a way to the shoreline and a fish dinner!

Sunday update

2010-11-07T08:45:00.007-05:00

Sundays have changed since my mother moved. Since there isn't room for all of us at her new place, we tend to divide up. Some of us go during the week and then a few on Sunday. Once we get the house renovated and we move in, I hope that changes and we can all meet at the house where we all grew up and have our Sunday dinners resume.

I wonder how it will be for Mom to visit us in her former home? I know she misses it so much, and after 60 years living there, how could she not? I thought she would be happy that we kept the house in the family and I believe she is, but wonder how weird it will be for her to be visiting? Time will tell. Sometimes, just once in a while, I wonder if we should have just cut all ties. I guess that is because on some level I feel guilty.

My husband was working everyday at the house ripping up the old carpets, pulling down old wall paper, etc. etc. Workmen were coming in giving estimates, we had an energy audit. Things were moving along. My husband is retired from his full time work, and has his art business, plus a few volunteer positions. On top of that, he also has elderly parents and is their sole care-taker. His mom is 89, dad 86. Dad has Alzheimer. His dad recently came out of an extended stay in rehab and came back home. So my husband has also been very busy with his parents. Very busy.

Unfortunately, my husband fell ill this week, which resulted in a fall. While all the tests at the hospital were negative, he did wind up with a cracked rib and chipped elbow. He is most uncomfortable.

So the house renovating has been put on hold until he is feeling better. Changes are going to be made with the care for his parents. More help needs to come in all areas. Slowing down and self care are high on the agenda now!

Saturday Night Review

2010-10-24T11:09:00.012-04:00

When I was in high school I loved to listen to folksinger, Melanie. She was popular when I was in my senior year and through a bit of college. She became known from Woodstock when she sang, Beautiful People, and the crowd for the first time at a concert held lit matches or lighters in the air and moved to the rhythm to the music. Later she wrote her first chart topper, (Lay Down) Candles in the Rain in response to Woodstock.

I saw her at a local venue over 35 years ago with some college friends. The concert was awesome, everything I wanted it to be. After the concert, we met her outside and had an opportunity to chat with her. Great evening.

Fast forward over 35 years: I found out this summer that she was coming our way in Oct. I have looked forward to the show since then! So last night we drove about an hour to a venue with the best acoustics in the state.

To make a long story short. She came out on stage and sang her first number, and my mouth dropped. She was completely off key and sounded awful. Just terrible. I thought, OK, maybe it will get better... maybe someone will tell her to tune her guitar and that will help her get on key.
That never happened. And the rest of the night was just too hard to describe.

Security seemed to be in odd places, giving me an uncomfortable feeling that something was going on and I could not focus on the concert. But focusing on the concert, was depressing because she was ruining all her songs. There was a man in the audience that immediately called out to her to say it was his birthday, and he kept repeating it and repeating it. Then he started to call out other things, some made no sense, some I could not hear. Soon security was sitting next to him. It was obvious at this point that the man was unstable. I started to feel I wasn't safe. I wanted to leave. My husband talked me into staying.

Soon Melanie was yelling from the stage at security to leave the man alone.

Some people got up to leave and she called out into the audience, "Where is everyone going? Why is there so much activity?" "Everyone sit down!"

It was the most uncomfortable situation. The audience started chanting to get the man out. Melanie yells at them that she has been doing this for a long time and everything will be fine.
She sings a couple more songs, the man is agitated. The police come and try to get him out of the aisle. People stand up again to get out of the way. Melanie yells again for everyone to sit down. But now we are all up out of our seats. I am mad now. My instincts said to get out of there before, and I did not listen. I am in a corner up in front and their was no exit on our side.

The man is now yelling for the police to leave him alone and that we are all witnesses. By this time, Melanie stopped playing, her husband was trying to calm down people. Finally, the police and security got the man out of the theater.

Now I was feeling nothing but anxiety, but the show went on and on and on. Way too long for me! lol

So when it was over, Melanie was having a meet and greet. I had brought my CD covers to have her sign, but I was anxious to just get out of there. I was done, so we left for our hour drive back home.

Sitting next to us at the show was a woman who traveled all the way from Australia just for the concert. She had seen her over 30 years ago and had a guitar pick from that show that Melanie had signed and wanted her to sign the back of it this time. She was so excited about being there that she was a nervous wreck before the show. We talked alot before the show. She had stayed a true blue loyal fan over the years. She knew everything about Melanie since the 70's.

I watched her face during the concert and she never took her eyes off of Melanie. She was crying through many of her songs even though her singing was so awful. The woman didn't seem to notice what was going on in back of us with the security, she didn't seem uncomfortable with the restlessness of the crowd. She was in her groove. I admired her for that. She traveled so far to come to the show and nothing was going to ruin it for her. I guess every experience depends on our state of mind. I could not get into the groove last night, the usual connectedness and inspiration that I get from an uplifting concert was not to be.

Ramblings

2010-10-21T19:48:00.002-04:00

I so love to read Kelle Hampton's blog. Each and every post inspires me and often moves me to tears. I love her writing, her photos and most of all I love how much she enjoys her life and her kids. I wonder where she gets all of her energy for all that she does. I wonder if other women my age follow her. She gets hundreds of comments a post, so I know she is making a big impact on many people. Check out her blog, Enjoying the Small things @kellehampton.com.

I have lost the passion for writing on my blog, but I still read each and every one on my blog list everyday. It is the first thing I do when I get home to unwind. No one in my family or any of my friends blog or follow blogs, so they don't get it when I talk about the folks I have met through blogging. I know they think it is a little weird because I speak about some of you like you are my best friends. But I think you all know how that goes!

I came home and made sure I watched Oprah's interview with Lisa Marie Presley today. I was curious about her relationship with Michael Jackson and what she would reveal about it. To my surprise, she seemed to be very much in love with him and had many regrets about how the relationship ended and how she shut down and did not deal with her feelings over the years. She seemed sincere and if she was, it must have been a very hard thing for her to do. The parallels between Michael and her father's life are chilling. I always enjoy a good interview.

I used to love the Phil Donahue show back in the day and I swore I would never stop watching him for Oprah. But that didn't last as The Oprah show became more popular and more geared to women's issues. I have memories of being home taking care of the kids and folding laundry while watching Phil. I learned so much about so many things. I remember once Phil had a whole show based around the fax machine when it first came out. In later years when I went back to work, I would watch Oprah while putting dinner in the oven. Phil and Oprah both kept me company and informed.

Well, didn't know where this post was going to go, I just let it take me there.

long time no blog

2010-10-20T20:51:00.002-04:00

We didn't know it was the last Sunday dinner at mom's house when we were having it. A couple of days later, her apartment was ready and it was time to move her the very next weekend. I am grateful that we weren't aware of it, because we didn't dwell on it being the last time. It was just a regular Sunday at mom's with her homemade sauce.

We got her all moved in over the Columbus Day weekend. The morning was sad packing up and dividing up 60 years of memories, but we managed. Once we got over to her new place, it was fun. The apartment was bright, clean, cheerful, and it was a good time helping her to decorate. Her place is much, much, smaller than the house, but she was able to bring all the big pieces of furniture over that she wanted. I know it is a big adjustment for her, but she is doing well.

Now we are renovating her home and hopefully we will be in by Christmas.

It was emotionally draining to help her make the move and if that wasn't hard enough, I got a call at the end of the day with some very sad news. A co-worker of mine was out jogging and dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was a avid runner and had not had any physical ailments that he knew of. It was very shocking and scary. So needless to say the following work week was very difficult for all of us.

My Personal Lens

Hair today

Sunday - Sunday

Heart to Heart

Update

Baby u can't drive your car

To hug or not to hug

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

Update

Too many hands in the stew

Set back

Best wishes to me

Burn baby burn

Thanksgiving wrap up

Thanksgiving

More of the same

Here and there updates

Secrets

Black out

Check in

Phase ll

Over the Rainbow

Weekend news

A banner day

Ring the bell3 Times wellIt's toll to clearly sayMy treatment is doneThis course is run And I am on my way.

And so it is

Taking it seriously

Tuesday, tuesday

Before the storm

The Experiment

A whole lot of shaking going on

Another update

Checking in

Resurfacing

Share, feel, breathe, heal

Sing a song

But oh, she had 12 years of singing her heart out and she made people happy even if it was not in the way she intended.

There were only 2 cast members. The piano player and the actress who played Jenkins. They were both fantastic! We saw the play at Weston Theater Other Place at the Rod and Gun Club. A very small (75 seats maybe) theater. We sat in the front row so that made it even more exciting!

The next morning we went to breakfast and saw the actors in the restaurant so I had a chance to tell them both how great they were and how much we enjoyed the show!

So if the play ever comes to your area, check it out!

Weekend update

Off the top of my head

Later in the day

Crash

Packing time is coming

Salt water

"The cure for everything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" Isak Dinesen

Birthday

In sickness and in health

Ring them bells

Thursday was my second round of chemotherapy. It went a little smoother the second time around now that we knew the drill.

She was able to walk out of there a free woman and we got to go back to our drips with a full and hopeful heart.

Good for you, survivor woman! I don't even think we ever exchanged names, but I know I won't forget you.

Home is where the heart is

Shedding

Weekends are good

Detour

Hair today

Happiness Runs

My Hero

It is all good

Kemo eve

Count down

Night out

Labor pains

Mother's Day

As the world turns

Home sweet home

Saturday update

Shadows

Happy Easter

Over load

Scans and scans

Checking in

Friday night and it's alright

Riding the waves

Head lights to the soul

One cup of tea

Speak up

FarmStrong

Ring the bell
3 Times well
It's toll to clearly say
My treatment is done
This course is run And I am on my way.