Strike a Pose

When I was a kid I always closed my eyes when ever someone took a picture of me. I guess the flash bothered me and I just didn't understand how to keep my eyes open when the flash went off. My mother was always complaining that there were no good  pictures of me either my eyes were closed or I was squinting. It was embarrassing to be the one who always ruined the pictures. No matter how hard I tried, I took a terrible picture, and so many times with my eyes wide shut. So I learned to try to stay out of the picture so I would not ruin it for everyone. 

It is sad to me when I look back at photos of me. There are not very many that came out nice even from my wedding day. My graduation picture stinks, too. I just did not know how to strike a pose, even if my eyes by chance stayed open. 

I did marketing in my last job and one task I had was to write the newsletter for the business. This involved taking pictures of staff to go with the articles. No one wanted to have their photos taken. No.One. When they saw me coming with the camera they wanted to run for the hills. Since I hated having my picture taken I was very sensitive to others who feared the camera so I did my best to work with people and make it as much of a  pleasant experience for them as I could. That meant that I took multiple shots and always, always, allowed them to make the final decision. It was worth the time to keep people happy and have them realize they could trust me. 

So as I photographed people I noticed that they all seemed to have a pose and a smile reserved just for the camera. I never had that. They were all so worried about how their picture would look, but mostly they were very photogenic and took great pictures. I never came across anyone like myself who still late in life did not know how to pose and smile for a picture. 

Last week, I needed to send a photo to the hospital for an article about the support group. The good news was that I did not have to go in and have them do it. My husband (a professional photographer of seas- capes and landscapes)  said he would do it for me and we could just e-mail it in. 

So I did my hair and make-up and went outside with my husband and we did a photo shoot. I love digital. Just shoot and shoot and delete and delete all the crappy ones. And delete we did. I finally found a couple of pictures that I could live with and I had my eyes open on both of them. No fake smile. I think I finally learned how to smile for a picture, I learned what side is better for me, and I learned I enjoyed the shoot. 

I sent one picture in to the hospital and I got a note back that it was "a lovely" picture. I changed my profile picture on FB and got about 60 likes on it. The most likes I have ever received for ANY picture I have posted.

I am not posting this to brag and I hope people do not think I am being full of myself.  This was such a major shift for me because I felt so small and ashamed that I did not know how to pose for a picture all of these years.  I am starting to get it. I am starting to have confidence and maybe that is all I needed to keep my eyes open, stand tall, and strike a pose! 

Where's the Rainbow?

When I was younger my mother and my older sister loved Barbara Streisand's music and I heard it at home all of the time. It wasn't long until it became my favorite music as well. I would go into my older sister's bedroom in the afternoon and we would put on album after album and listen. We would shut off the lights and she would lie on her bed all curled up and I would be on the floor right next to the stereo to be close at hand to change the records.

Barbra's music brought me far away into a world where I was the one singing my heart out on the stage and in the limelight, because in real life, I never really had a place to shine. I loved those songs, the old ones mind you, like the very first album,  the second and then the third album and the ever popular People album. Those are the songs that take me back to my childhood and make me feel safe and even a little powerful for some reason. 

When I was diagnosed with my colon cancer (right in the middle of dealing with the breast cancer), there was one song that kept popping into my head from that era and I could not get it out of my head! 

Here are the lyrics:

                                               "Where's That Rainbow"

Troubles really are bubbles they say
And I'm bubbling over today
Spring brings roses to people you see
But it brings hay fever to me
My luck will vary surely
That's purely a curse
My luck has changed,
Yes, it's gotten from rotten to worse

Where's that rainbow they hear about?
Where's that lining they cheer about?
Where's that love nest,
Where love is king ever after?

Where's that blue room they sing about?
Where's that sunshine they fling about?
I know morning will come,
But pardon my laugher!

In each scenario
You can depend on the end
Where the lovers agree.
Where's that Lothario?
Where does he roam, with his dome
Vaselined as can be?

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.

In each scenario
You can depend on the end
Where the lovers agree.
Where's that Lothario?
Where does he roam, with his dome
Vaselined as can be?

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.

Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody but me.

It was that last verse that was playing around and around in my head constantly. 

Oh, it is easy to see all right

Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.
Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody but me.

I KNEW the negativity of the song was not good for me, not a healing thought, yet I could not get the song out of my head and it was making me so stressed out as it was such a downer. Yet, it was in my head since I was a kid and not easy to erase! 

Sooooo...... I decided I had to make the song work for me since it seemed to be sticking with me. I realized all I had to do was change ONE word. Yes, ONE word changed from that last verse made all the difference in the world. 

So now that one little verse became my anthem! It uplifted me as I sang it every morning in the shower even on the most grueling days. It went like this:

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody AND  me.

Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody AND me.

Turning a negative into a positive can change your whole perspective! Now I was no longer afraid of the lyrics.  

The song inspired me to keep going.

Green Light

I got the green light from the hospital and the support group is a GO! They are sending the info to the marketing department to make up the fliers. Then they plan to interview me in the patient corner of the hospital newsletter to get the word out that we are starting up the group. I am really excited about doing this and can not wait to get people together and start! 

Once I get it going and get into the flow of things, I will be taking the proposal to other places and try to build up my hours. Really, there are no jobs out there for me, so I needed to create one and I did it!!  This has been such a good experience for me in trusting my instincts and my inner voice. 

Reinventing

Summer. It has finally arrived. I am still home working on finding employment and reinventing myself. It is a daunting job, but I am finding it an adventure on many levels. 

I approached our local hospital about running a support group on writing and healing for cancer survivors now that I have the curriculum. I received a positive and encouraging response and was asked to write up a proposal and send a resume. So I took care of that last week and here I sit waiting to hear if it will be accepted. Now that I have a proposal  written I am thinking about other places I can send it. I have connections at the local hospital so that was a good place to start, but I want to expand and take this curriculum to other circles including but not limited to cancer survivors. 

A year ago I never would have thought I would be have something solid to present to potential employers. It is more than a job to me though. I wanted to find  something to do that would give me a greater purpose in my life and I am beyond grateful that I was led to it. It is possible to follow your inner guide and find your purpose.  I was trying to do so before I became ill but I think I was so caught up with my job and my day to day business that I was not taking the time to really listen and follow my instincts. Had I been working I never would have been available to go to the Woman's Forum. It was at the forum that my whole world shifted. 

A friend of mine is big into the Law of Attraction. She says that when you stay in positive energy and you find that life begins to flow more easily you are in the vortex. Life's little annoyances suddenly disappear and you find that the little things like finding a parking space, no lines at the registers, perfect weather for an event when it was pouring a couple of hours  beforehand. Life seems to feel magical when you are in the vortex in small but meaningful ways. Lately we have been experiencing life in the vortex. So that I would not forget all those little things, I made a list of them that I am going to share right now.

My husband had a big photo shoot in Maine. It rained all the way up there and we thought he would miss the opportunity for the shoot. Friday was the only day that worked for him and for the organization. The weather cleared up perfectly as we arrived and he was able to spend 2 hours taking gorgeous pictures for them. The sun came out and the light was nothing more than perfect at the exact time he needed it to be. 

Sending the email to the cancer coordinator at the hospital about the writing and healing group I wanted to start and knowing in my heart that I would get a yes and hear that day. An hour later I heard back and got the green light. I offered to volunteer, she offered to give me a stipend. 

We were in a craft store in New Hampshire looking for a gift for a friend. My husband found a tile he thought would be good for her. It was beautiful and unique, but it wasn't quite right. He didn't think we should pass it up because he knew she would like it.   But I had in my mind how I would have crafted it and next to my vision I did not like it enough to purchase it. On the way back from Maine he said we should stop back at the store and buy it since we hadn't found anything else to get her. I still didn't want to buy it, but we decided to  stop anyway and maybe, just maybe, they got more in since we were there (4 days prior). So we went and to my surprise they had gotten another shipment in and there was one that was  was EXACTLY what I had envisioned and I LOVED it! I bought it and my friend LOVED it as well. 

Thinking about materials I wanted to use at art therapy and knowing we would not be using them that night. I was thinking of asking my therapist if I could take them home as I had something in my mind I wanted to do in my art journal. I got to class early and the materials I wanted were on the table. My therapist said, "I don't know why I put those out we aren't using them tonight." I said, "oh, just what I wanted to use." So I used them right then and there and completed my project before we even started class. 

I know. These are SMALL things. But really isn't the day made up of a series of small experiences? When they flow it makes the day feel so good. When we hit the wall even with something small, it impacts our mood and the schedule for the day and our stress levels! 

I have been working so hard on my thinking. Changing my thinking has been changing my life is small ways as well as bigger ways. Living in the vortex isn't as hard as I thought it was a few years ago, but it takes work every day even when things are not going along as we planned. 

Reinvent your thinking and reinvent your life. That is my motto these days. 

Prompt

I went to a writing workshop today and we were given a prompt to write on. I never had the chance to share it with the group so I thought I would post it here.

Prompt:
Something that was lost

Response:

As I wrote the prompt down that Patty gave us in the group my eyes immediately filled up with tears. What were those tears all about? Loss. The first thing that came to mind was loss of innocence. So what does that really mean? Innocence is lost over and over again at all different stages of life. Is it something that we really need or want to find again?

Something that was lost. Is anything really ever lost? Don't we have everything that is important to us in our heart and soul? The cells of my parents and grandparents are alive in my body even though some of them have passed on. They are with me every. single.day They are all not lost to me.

I lost my health for awhile, but it was found and I am thriving once again.

What is lost can always be found. Lost opportunities, lost time, and lost treasures, if they were meant to be they will come around again. Spirit will guide them back to us.

Everything we need we already have. We are all a little like Dorothy sometimes, believing we are lost in OZ, when right along we have had everything we needed to get back home to our hearts and our purpose.

Writing as Healing

A couple of weeks ago my husband showed me an advertisement in our local community college bulletin. They were sponsoring a women's forum called, Writing, The Arts, and Healing. He said when he opened the flier the information just popped out at him and he knew it was something meant for me. I was very intrigued. To top it off, it was a FREE all day forum with guest speakers and a break- out group in the afternoon. Breakfast AND lunch included! I registered immediately and I just had a feeling I was meant to be there. 

I have been going to an art therapy class since my cancer diagnosis and have learned so much from the experience. I had read articles about using writing as a healing technique with cancer patients as well, but had no idea where to find such a program. I already knew how therapeutic writing was for me when I was ill because I blogged all about my experiences. I am so glad I did because when I go back and read the posts, I am amazed about what I went through.   I have been dreaming about doing more writing, maybe expanding some of my blog posts and seeing what I could do with them. As I said, dreaming, as I have been so distracted with  many other things lately. Upper most on my list has been finding a job. I have been job searching for a while now. I have work restrictions due to my disabilities from the cancer experience and I have been very discouraged with the job offerings. There are not many jobs for a 60 year old woman with work restrictions. Well, if there are, I have not found any yet. 

So needless to say this forum was something that I looked forward to and it did not disappoint! I had the best day I have had in a long time as far as being inspired and being out networking with other women. 

The morning speakers Beverly Donofrio, author of Riding in Cars with Boys,  and Charles Barber, author of The Life you Save Could Be Your Own: The Benefit of Narrative) talked about memoir writing and gave some insightful information. I enjoyed listening to both speakers and often had tears and chills from their talk. Everything they said was resonating with me and I knew I was there for a reason. All of this was my passion, but it was something that I never had any confidence in and did not know how to go about it. Or maybe I did and just held back, afraid to try, afraid to expose myself, afraid to find out who I really am. 

After lunch we had the break- out sessions and I chose to go to Writing as a Tool for Healing given by one of the college's English professors. She worked for a while at a women's prison and used writing with the inmates to help them tell their stories to heal. Later, she worked with Wally Lamb and they produced a book with the stories written by the prisoners called, Couldn't Keep It To Myself.

It was a great session and I will write more about that in my next post. When I left the forum that day I was on an emotional high. I felt like I found "my people."  I knew what I wanted to do with my life to feel productive and to have a focus. I wanted to run support groups using writing as healing techniques. I knew I had to follow though and figure out how to make this happen. It was my calling. I felt it in my soul. 

I have been doing research on the internet trying to find training programs to figure out how to go about this and if I needed to have some type of certificate. I found a guide book for cancer survivors that teaches how to run a support group. I wrote to the author and she said she would help me if I had any questions once I read the book. She puts on workshops as well, but does not have any scheduled for awhile. She said the book was written to be used by lay people and it would be perfectly fine for me to do them on my own before going to the training. I also have a Masters Degree in Holistic Thinking which I think would be accepted as go around to hospitals, etc. trying to get this off of the ground. 

 I know this will take some work, time, and patience. I am up for the challenge and I am so excited to have a goal to work towards and be able to help other people as well. 

And I am happy...feeling like a room without a roof! 

To do list

I had to bring my 88 year old mom to the ER on Wednesday evening. She had been sick for 3 days and needed to be admitted for fluids. When we arrived there around 11:30PM we were told that there was a 5 hour wait to be seen. 5 hours!! We made the best of it, and only waited 31/2 hours in the waiting room and another hour in the room until she saw a doctor. It was a very long night.

I had my annual mammogram the next morning. I had been very concerned about it because last time they had so many problems getting the images that the needed 3 different tech people to try and then I  was told I needed a biopsy. Fortunately that was benign!

So I stayed up all night with my mom while she had her tests and they took care of her, and then left at 8:00 AM to travel back to my town to my hospital a half hour away to have the mammogram. This time I had a much more skilled tech who took the images very quickly and all was well!! Soon I was out of there and on my way home to get some sleep after being up for more than 24 hours. 

It was also the first day of spring. It was beautiful out. I was so happy with my mammogram and that it was spring, finally!  I felt funny feeling so happy because my mom was admitted to the hospital and feeling so bad. It was one of those times where I was feeling 2 emotions that were opposite and valid.  Happy for me, sad for her.  I just made sure not to skimp on the happy feeling because I earned feeling so great! 

Later that evening I was looking at a new magnetic board on the refrigerator. My husband bought it to use for chore lists and reminders of things we need to do. 

I was in a very thoughtful mood that day and decided to write up a to do list that would be meaningful and inspirational  to us day to day on a very deep level. 

So here is what I came up with:

1. Celebrate spring.

2. Be grateful.

3. Laugh when we can.

4. Cry when we feel like it.

5. Cuddle with our grandson every chance we get.

6.  Be present to enjoy the good times.

7. Forgive ourselves again and again and again.

8. Love. Let it always win. 

I read it at my art therapy group and people cried along with me as I read it out loud. 

I thought some of you might enjoy it as well! 

Happy spring! 

Content

A couple of weeks ago, we became grandparents to a beautiful baby boy. I still can't quite believe he is here. When I open my Facebook and see his picture as I am scrolling I think, OMG there he is. He wasn't here before and now he is and he is a part of me! It is just an amazing feeling that so many know so well. Everyone told me I would love being a grandmother and yes, I do.

When we were over my son's house and I was sitting next to him waiting for my turn to hold the baby, he whispered in my ear, " I am glad you came through everything and that you are here for this." I had been thinking about that as well. So glad that I had survived my two bouts of cancer and I was alive and well to hold my grandson. Grandchildren were my motivation for living, and my dream has started to come true as I expect to be around for more grandchildren!

I will see if I get permission from my son to post baby pics on the blog.

We are in the middle of a big snow storm like so many others on the east coast today. I never mind a day in the house catching up on things with a nice big pot of chicken soup on the stove.