A faith experience

It is exciting to be expecting our first grandchild and this week we found out that it is a boy. A grandson. It makes the experience so real to find out the gender of the child and I would have cried either way! 

I have a little story to share that happened back in May when we were hoping that a grandchild would be in our future. 

 My husband and I were out to dinner for our anniversary in our home town and on the way home I had an urge to stop at my old church and light a candle for my daughter in law. We were hoping that we would be getting some good news soon as we knew my son and his wife were wanting to start a family. My hometown church is the only church I knew of in our immediate area that still has real candles to light. 

As we were drivng over to the church, my husband wondered out loud if the church would even be open as it was now about 7:30 P.M. and most churches lock their doors these days when evening is falling. We decided to try anyway. We drove into the parking lot and noticed there were no other cars around. 

We went up to the doors and they were unlocked! As we walked inside the church we heard singing filling up the church and I assumed that choir practice was going on. I went to the left to the back of the church under the choir loft where all the candles are set up and my husband went right and walked into the main part of the church. I found an unlit 5 day candle and lit it then walked over to the kneeler to say a prayer.

While I was kneeling there praying, I was thinking to myself that I was so glad I was at the church on choir practice night. The singing was just beautiful and I was getting the chills from it. As I began to listen more closely, I thought that it wasn't really singing I was hearing, but more like a chanting. It certainly wasn't anything I recognized and nothing I have ever heard in a Catholic church before. I became very still and listened and  felt something like an electrical charge go through me. It is very hard to put into words, but it started in my chest, not a pain or anything, just a feeling. In that moment I thought that maybe the choir chanting was a sign that something good was going to happen. 

I was excited now and I stood up and my husband came over to me. I mentioned the chanting and he said that he thought it sounded like a Gregorian chant. "I am so glad we came on choir practice night, I think this chanting is a sign." I exclaimed to him.

Then very seriously my husband looked at me and said, "Lena, there is NO ONE in the choir loft. Look, it is dark and empty."  He continued on, " I even went up to the speakers at the front of the church and put my hand to them. NO SOUND is coming out. I put my EAR to them. Nothing is coming out of those speakers." 

In that moment, I KNEW this was all a sign that my daughter in law was pregnant and I was so excited! We tried to think of where the chanting could be coming from but there was no explanation. The sound was filling up the entire sanctuary and NO ONE was there but me and my husband. 

The very next day, my son called us to tell us that they were expecting a child! We were very thrilled to say the least, but told my son that we knew the night before. 

The Path of Life Sculpture Garden

A few weeks ago my husband and I took a few days and went up to Vermont to stay at my sisters house. One day we drove up to Windsor, Vermont to visit the Path of Life Sculpture Garden.http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g57474-d625265-Reviews-Great_River_Outfitters_The_Path_of_Life_Garden-Windsor_Vermont.html.

The adventure begins as you walk through the tunnel of oblivion, the darkness representing the beginning of life. From there one proceeds to the right and finds a small stone emerging from a shallow swale signifying birth.

The path takes you through so many stages of life such as the Hill of Learning, Tree of Wisdom, Hope, Creativity, Union. Family, Community, Solitude,Ambition, Sorrow, Forgiveness, Joy, Respite Contemplation Death, Rebirth, and finally to the Gateway to Eternity.

Here are some photos:

Creativity

Union

Sorrow

 

 

Contemplation 

When I got to the Garden of Contemplation I was in awe of this life size statue of the Buddha. I stood for a while and looked at all of the offerings people had left there. Crucifixes, beads, bells, coins, feathers, rocks, postcards, etc. I realized I only had my phone, my ipad and my keys. I had left my purse in the car and I had no money or anything personal on me to leave as an offering. I was disappointed. I just stepped back to take a photo and when I opened my ipad case I noticed I had an old appointment card from my surgeon tucked under the strap of my ipad. I could not believe my eyes. I took it out and called to my husband, "look what I have!" His eyes immediately filled up with tears when he saw me holding that appointment card. We both knew it was meant to be left here. I kissed the card good-bye and tucked it under a beach rock.

It was a very moving experience for me. I had that appointment card tucked into my ipad for months. I should have thrown it out, but never did.

Now I know why.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

After I wrote yesterday's post we took off for the day. I was walking past a bookstore and saw this sign in the window. I stopped and read it over and over. The universe really wants me to get this message I guess, so of course I had to go in and buy it. When I get home, I will find just the right spot for it and read it.

 Every. Single. Day. 

Love is all you need

We are on our annual vacation to Cape Cod. The first few days were just stinking hot. The sweat just poured off of us while we all scrambled to be the one to sit in front of the fans. But it has cooled down some and that makes it so much nicer.

My younger son and his fiance came for a few days to spend some time here and it was great to have them with us. We have been to the beach to watch the suns sets and spent a couple of days  in Provence Town. I will always love it there as it is just so unpretentious or totally pretentious as my husband pointed out to me.

The big news in my family is that my son and daughter -in-law are expecting a baby! We are becoming grandparents for the first time. Needless to say, we are over the moon excited! A wedding in October and a baby in January, so many happy things to look forward to and I am just filled with joy and also some stress. Good stress.

I am continuing to work on my new "lifestyle". Organic meats ( or at the very least beef and chicken, eggs and milk that are hormone and antibiotic free). limited dairy, and avoiding white flour and sugar.  It is harder to do it on vacation, but I am doing the best I can up here and not worrying about it. I think in the past for me vacation was a license to eat out and eating became the prime focus of the week. 

I have been reading so much about preventing cancer and anti cancer foods and spices and supplements, etc. I am taking a whole new regimen of vitamins and supplements under the care of my naturopathic doctor. I think I am starting to see some improvements. I continue to meditate when I remember, go to the pool for exercise etc. I was also reading an article written by Dr. Christine  Northrup and she agreed that all of the above things are very important, but if all the changes are motivated by fear, then they do no help you to achieve good health.

The one  most important practice Dr. Northrup recommends is looking in the mirror and saying,"I love you, I really love you." And by day 21 she says she would look to see your inner self gazing back at you through those eyes and then she  would do what your mirror image tells you to do.

Sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Happy Birthday to me!

On Monday, July 1, I will turn 60 years old. A milestone, a new decade, and a new improved me ( I am working on it.) Last Sunday my husband threw me a surprise birthday a little early to throw me off. I was suspicious, but never the less, surprised when I walked in and realized it was a party for me and he invited ALL my family and friends. We had about 55 people at a local restaurant for brunch. It was quite wonderful. When I walked in and everyone yelled surprise I had to brace myself to let myself feel all of the love. I stood next to my husband and scanned the crowd. So many smiling and happy faces all gathered there for ME! It was quite a moment and I think I may have left my body  for a  minute or two and then floated back and leaned against my husband's shoulder and cried.  

I have no complaints about getting older as I will be grateful to celebrate many, many, more, birthdays.

When people ask me what I am doing with myself while I am still on medical leave, I tell them that I am the CEO of me! It usually makes people laugh and I feel better for still not working. I know that I am on the right track though since I started to see a naturopath. She did a complete series of blood tests and found I was so depleted of many vitamins and minerals from all the chemo. No wonder I have been feeling so low energy and low motivation and just blah!  So I am on a new regime of vitamins and supplements and weekly acupuncture appointments. Our goal is to get me back to the working world by the fall. I do see some improvements in my symptoms, but most of all I am feeling so hopeful. The hope fills me up and helps me to stay motivated to do what I need to do. 

Meditation

Many ,many years ago when I first went to a energy healer she asked me to pick a number. I think I picked the number six. She told me that no matter what happens and if I were never to see her again that I should meditate six minutes everyday and it would be life changing. So I went home and tried to meditate my six minutes a day every day. 

I quickly found that I did not enjoy meditating. I would sit with my eyes closed peeking at the clock to see if the six minutes (which almost felt like six hours) were up. I could not quiet my mind and I was just about jumping out of my seat. It was supposed to be a peaceful experience, but it felt like torture to me. This practice did not fit my impulsive and instant gratification kind of  personality. I was never good at hanging in there with anything new and developing a practice that in the end would benefit me; instead I ditched it. 

Over the years I made some feeble attempts to meditate again, but par for the course it never seemed to stick. Thirty years later when I visited the very same energy healer after my first cancer diagnosis she encouraged me to use meditation as a tool to cope with the chemotherapy treatments and the stress of dealing with a life threatening illness. Now that I had hit rock bottom  healthwise, I was a somewhat motivated to give it another try. It did help me during those first months of treatment and I had some wonderful experiences, but true to form  my motivation level dropped again. 

Since I have been home recovering and trying to get my health and energy back I have been reading more and more about how important meditation is for the people recovering from cancer. Marianne Williamson considers it the absolute number one most important thing one can do to regain health as meditation connects us to spirit and self healing agents.  So with yet another big endorsement regarding meditation, I have been trying to incorporate it into my day on a regular basis. I still struggle with being antsy and still forget to make time for it, but I can say I am working hard at fitting it into my day to day activities. Mostly I put in the time and feel good that I can cross it off of my list for the day. Every so often I have a great meditation time. Today was one of those days.

Before I sat down to meditate today I had been looking for a yellow piece of paper that I had written an important appointment on. I looked in the two places I thought it could be, but it was not to be found. I was not worried about it per say because I was just planning on calling and getting the appointment confirmed. But it does bother me when I can't keep track of my things and since chemotherapy, it seems I am more distracted than ever! 

I  did a few more  household chores before I sat down to meditate not at all consciously thinking about my lost paper. During my meditation all of a sudden I had a vision of my paper hanging on the refrigerator and I heard my voice inside my head say; yes, it is on the refrigerator, just where I put it yesterday.

I realized in that very moment that I was deep in mediation and I started to pull myself out of that state and  open my eyes. As I came to (so to speak) I realized that I didn't really remember putting that paper on the refrigerator in my conscious mind and wondered if it was actually there. Maybe I dozed off and I was dreaming?  So I went right to the kitchen and there it was hanging on a magnet on the fridge.

I know this is not a big experience but I learned something big. The voice I heard was my inner voice, not an inner dialogue of chatter. It was the voice I need to be listening to, but I have not been able to distinguish between the two voices for so many years. 

Just the experience I needed to keep me going. 

Here I am!

I have been locked out of my blog for weeks! My password was not working and when I tried to change the password, I was not able to. I called my son the IT expert to come over and he fooled with it for a very long time and we still could not get in. He sent an email to the help department and we never heard back. Tonight, just for the heck of it I tried to get on and all systems were go! I am just amazed. It's like reuniting with an old friend.

It feels like a little miracle! 

I am doing well on many levels even though I have a long way to go to get to where I used to be. One foot in front of the other is my motto! 

As I stated in my last post, I wanted to make an appointment to see a naturopathic doctor. I took a long time before I made the appointment because I was not sure where to go. I had to make a visit to my eye doctor for a cyst growing on my eye lid and he recommended the doctor that he goes to. The practice is just 10 minutes away from my house and I didn't even know it was there! I was so grateful to find one recommended by someone I trust so much. My eye doctor said he was skeptical about natural medicine considering his medical training,but he had come up against some scary symptoms with his own health and after going from doctor to doctor with no results he decided to give it a try. His symptoms have disappeared and he was feeling and looking fantastic! 

I have had two visits so far and I am now taking some new vitamin and supplements and making changes in how I shop for food and what I shop for. It is a complete overhaul from how I have operated in the past and it would be so overwhelming to me if I thought I had to do everything all at once. I don't. I just need to take baby steps and make changes one at a time. 

I have been doing an incredible amount of research on organic foods and meats that are hormone and antibiotic free and doing lots of comparison shopping. I have also been throwing away all my old make up and lotions and sunscreens and buying more natural products. 

I am late to the game with these changes in many ways considering if I had been more conscious of how food and environmental pollutants affected my health, I may not have become so ill. But I know now and I can move forward with all this information and hopefully return to a more healthful and happy life!