Reinventing

Summer. It has finally arrived. I am still home working on finding employment and reinventing myself. It is a daunting job, but I am finding it an adventure on many levels. 

I approached our local hospital about running a support group on writing and healing for cancer survivors now that I have the curriculum. I received a positive and encouraging response and was asked to write up a proposal and send a resume. So I took care of that last week and here I sit waiting to hear if it will be accepted. Now that I have a proposal  written I am thinking about other places I can send it. I have connections at the local hospital so that was a good place to start, but I want to expand and take this curriculum to other circles including but not limited to cancer survivors. 

A year ago I never would have thought I would be have something solid to present to potential employers. It is more than a job to me though. I wanted to find  something to do that would give me a greater purpose in my life and I am beyond grateful that I was led to it. It is possible to follow your inner guide and find your purpose.  I was trying to do so before I became ill but I think I was so caught up with my job and my day to day business that I was not taking the time to really listen and follow my instincts. Had I been working I never would have been available to go to the Woman's Forum. It was at the forum that my whole world shifted. 

A friend of mine is big into the Law of Attraction. She says that when you stay in positive energy and you find that life begins to flow more easily you are in the vortex. Life's little annoyances suddenly disappear and you find that the little things like finding a parking space, no lines at the registers, perfect weather for an event when it was pouring a couple of hours  beforehand. Life seems to feel magical when you are in the vortex in small but meaningful ways. Lately we have been experiencing life in the vortex. So that I would not forget all those little things, I made a list of them that I am going to share right now.

My husband had a big photo shoot in Maine. It rained all the way up there and we thought he would miss the opportunity for the shoot. Friday was the only day that worked for him and for the organization. The weather cleared up perfectly as we arrived and he was able to spend 2 hours taking gorgeous pictures for them. The sun came out and the light was nothing more than perfect at the exact time he needed it to be. 

Sending the email to the cancer coordinator at the hospital about the writing and healing group I wanted to start and knowing in my heart that I would get a yes and hear that day. An hour later I heard back and got the green light. I offered to volunteer, she offered to give me a stipend. 

We were in a craft store in New Hampshire looking for a gift for a friend. My husband found a tile he thought would be good for her. It was beautiful and unique, but it wasn't quite right. He didn't think we should pass it up because he knew she would like it.   But I had in my mind how I would have crafted it and next to my vision I did not like it enough to purchase it. On the way back from Maine he said we should stop back at the store and buy it since we hadn't found anything else to get her. I still didn't want to buy it, but we decided to  stop anyway and maybe, just maybe, they got more in since we were there (4 days prior). So we went and to my surprise they had gotten another shipment in and there was one that was  was EXACTLY what I had envisioned and I LOVED it! I bought it and my friend LOVED it as well. 

Thinking about materials I wanted to use at art therapy and knowing we would not be using them that night. I was thinking of asking my therapist if I could take them home as I had something in my mind I wanted to do in my art journal. I got to class early and the materials I wanted were on the table. My therapist said, "I don't know why I put those out we aren't using them tonight." I said, "oh, just what I wanted to use." So I used them right then and there and completed my project before we even started class. 

I know. These are SMALL things. But really isn't the day made up of a series of small experiences? When they flow it makes the day feel so good. When we hit the wall even with something small, it impacts our mood and the schedule for the day and our stress levels! 

I have been working so hard on my thinking. Changing my thinking has been changing my life is small ways as well as bigger ways. Living in the vortex isn't as hard as I thought it was a few years ago, but it takes work every day even when things are not going along as we planned. 

Reinvent your thinking and reinvent your life. That is my motto these days. 

Prompt

I went to a writing workshop today and we were given a prompt to write on. I never had the chance to share it with the group so I thought I would post it here.

Prompt:
Something that was lost

Response:

As I wrote the prompt down that Patty gave us in the group my eyes immediately filled up with tears. What were those tears all about? Loss. The first thing that came to mind was loss of innocence. So what does that really mean? Innocence is lost over and over again at all different stages of life. Is it something that we really need or want to find again?

Something that was lost. Is anything really ever lost? Don't we have everything that is important to us in our heart and soul? The cells of my parents and grandparents are alive in my body even though some of them have passed on. They are with me every. single.day They are all not lost to me.

I lost my health for awhile, but it was found and I am thriving once again.

What is lost can always be found. Lost opportunities, lost time, and lost treasures, if they were meant to be they will come around again. Spirit will guide them back to us.

Everything we need we already have. We are all a little like Dorothy sometimes, believing we are lost in OZ, when right along we have had everything we needed to get back home to our hearts and our purpose.

Writing as Healing

A couple of weeks ago my husband showed me an advertisement in our local community college bulletin. They were sponsoring a women's forum called, Writing, The Arts, and Healing. He said when he opened the flier the information just popped out at him and he knew it was something meant for me. I was very intrigued. To top it off, it was a FREE all day forum with guest speakers and a break- out group in the afternoon. Breakfast AND lunch included! I registered immediately and I just had a feeling I was meant to be there. 

I have been going to an art therapy class since my cancer diagnosis and have learned so much from the experience. I had read articles about using writing as a healing technique with cancer patients as well, but had no idea where to find such a program. I already knew how therapeutic writing was for me when I was ill because I blogged all about my experiences. I am so glad I did because when I go back and read the posts, I am amazed about what I went through.   I have been dreaming about doing more writing, maybe expanding some of my blog posts and seeing what I could do with them. As I said, dreaming, as I have been so distracted with  many other things lately. Upper most on my list has been finding a job. I have been job searching for a while now. I have work restrictions due to my disabilities from the cancer experience and I have been very discouraged with the job offerings. There are not many jobs for a 60 year old woman with work restrictions. Well, if there are, I have not found any yet. 

So needless to say this forum was something that I looked forward to and it did not disappoint! I had the best day I have had in a long time as far as being inspired and being out networking with other women. 

The morning speakers Beverly Donofrio, author of Riding in Cars with Boys,  and Charles Barber, author of The Life you Save Could Be Your Own: The Benefit of Narrative) talked about memoir writing and gave some insightful information. I enjoyed listening to both speakers and often had tears and chills from their talk. Everything they said was resonating with me and I knew I was there for a reason. All of this was my passion, but it was something that I never had any confidence in and did not know how to go about it. Or maybe I did and just held back, afraid to try, afraid to expose myself, afraid to find out who I really am. 

After lunch we had the break- out sessions and I chose to go to Writing as a Tool for Healing given by one of the college's English professors. She worked for a while at a women's prison and used writing with the inmates to help them tell their stories to heal. Later, she worked with Wally Lamb and they produced a book with the stories written by the prisoners called, Couldn't Keep It To Myself.

It was a great session and I will write more about that in my next post. When I left the forum that day I was on an emotional high. I felt like I found "my people."  I knew what I wanted to do with my life to feel productive and to have a focus. I wanted to run support groups using writing as healing techniques. I knew I had to follow though and figure out how to make this happen. It was my calling. I felt it in my soul. 

I have been doing research on the internet trying to find training programs to figure out how to go about this and if I needed to have some type of certificate. I found a guide book for cancer survivors that teaches how to run a support group. I wrote to the author and she said she would help me if I had any questions once I read the book. She puts on workshops as well, but does not have any scheduled for awhile. She said the book was written to be used by lay people and it would be perfectly fine for me to do them on my own before going to the training. I also have a Masters Degree in Holistic Thinking which I think would be accepted as go around to hospitals, etc. trying to get this off of the ground. 

 I know this will take some work, time, and patience. I am up for the challenge and I am so excited to have a goal to work towards and be able to help other people as well. 

And I am happy...feeling like a room without a roof! 

To do list

I had to bring my 88 year old mom to the ER on Wednesday evening. She had been sick for 3 days and needed to be admitted for fluids. When we arrived there around 11:30PM we were told that there was a 5 hour wait to be seen. 5 hours!! We made the best of it, and only waited 31/2 hours in the waiting room and another hour in the room until she saw a doctor. It was a very long night.

I had my annual mammogram the next morning. I had been very concerned about it because last time they had so many problems getting the images that the needed 3 different tech people to try and then I  was told I needed a biopsy. Fortunately that was benign!

So I stayed up all night with my mom while she had her tests and they took care of her, and then left at 8:00 AM to travel back to my town to my hospital a half hour away to have the mammogram. This time I had a much more skilled tech who took the images very quickly and all was well!! Soon I was out of there and on my way home to get some sleep after being up for more than 24 hours. 

It was also the first day of spring. It was beautiful out. I was so happy with my mammogram and that it was spring, finally!  I felt funny feeling so happy because my mom was admitted to the hospital and feeling so bad. It was one of those times where I was feeling 2 emotions that were opposite and valid.  Happy for me, sad for her.  I just made sure not to skimp on the happy feeling because I earned feeling so great! 

Later that evening I was looking at a new magnetic board on the refrigerator. My husband bought it to use for chore lists and reminders of things we need to do. 

I was in a very thoughtful mood that day and decided to write up a to do list that would be meaningful and inspirational  to us day to day on a very deep level. 

So here is what I came up with:

1. Celebrate spring.

2. Be grateful.

3. Laugh when we can.

4. Cry when we feel like it.

5. Cuddle with our grandson every chance we get.

6.  Be present to enjoy the good times.

7. Forgive ourselves again and again and again.

8. Love. Let it always win. 

I read it at my art therapy group and people cried along with me as I read it out loud. 

I thought some of you might enjoy it as well! 

Happy spring! 

Content

A couple of weeks ago, we became grandparents to a beautiful baby boy. I still can't quite believe he is here. When I open my Facebook and see his picture as I am scrolling I think, OMG there he is. He wasn't here before and now he is and he is a part of me! It is just an amazing feeling that so many know so well. Everyone told me I would love being a grandmother and yes, I do.

When we were over my son's house and I was sitting next to him waiting for my turn to hold the baby, he whispered in my ear, " I am glad you came through everything and that you are here for this." I had been thinking about that as well. So glad that I had survived my two bouts of cancer and I was alive and well to hold my grandson. Grandchildren were my motivation for living, and my dream has started to come true as I expect to be around for more grandchildren!

I will see if I get permission from my son to post baby pics on the blog.

We are in the middle of a big snow storm like so many others on the east coast today. I never mind a day in the house catching up on things with a nice big pot of chicken soup on the stove.

Catching up

Thank you Josie for giving me a little nudge to post. It makes me sad to think that I neglected my blog, because I really love blogging and keeping up with all of you. 

2013 has been a great year on all levels. I turned 60, we celebrated my younger son's wedding, and my older son and his wife are expecting a baby the end of January. Big milestones and I am so grateful that I am here to celebrate them all. I threw a bridal shower in August, we had the wedding in October, and I threw my other daughter in law a baby shower in November! 

In September I went to my first cancer survivor day at the hospital. I was on the fence about going, but decided to go and see what it was all about. I wondered if I would see any of the oncology nurses who took care of me, especially my favorite one, Mary.

We arrived at the tent and right away I ran into Mary who came over and hugged my husband and I. She said she was very happy when she saw my name on the list of attendees. I had seen Mary in August when I went in for my follow up. She came out to the waiting room to say hello and I caught her up with all my family news. She cried when I told her about all the milestones we were experiencing in the family. We hugged and cried that day and she was so happy that my life was moving forward. It was a warm and fuzzy interaction.

Little did I know that Mary was the mistress of ceremony for the event. All of the oncology and radiology staff was in attendance and they were waiting on all of the cancer survivors by serving us a free lunch. All 200+ of us! 

Once lunch was over, our attention was turned toward the stage and Mary took the microphone. She made the typical thank yous to those who helped organize and contributed to the cause then began to speak about her job as an oncology nurse. She talked about how rewarding it was to see the patients who make it and started to tell a story about one particular patient. 

Well, it turns out that she was telling MY STORY. She did not use my name, but everyone at my table knew she was talking about me as they were my art therapy friends and they knew my history.  When we realized it was my story, my husband and I grabbed hands and looked into each others' eyes and started to cry. My body started to shake. It was a surreal feeling to hear my story as I sat under this huge tent with a couple hundred people. When Mary talked about my colon cancer diagnosis on top of the breast cancer diagnosis, everyone gasped and groaned. It was chilling for me and my body shook harder. Mary continued my story and ended her talk with the day I came in for my follow-up and how I was now cancer-free, just celebrated a milestone birthday and was anticipating the wedding of my son and the upcoming birth of my grand-child. The whole tent erupted into a thunderous applause. I was filled with chills and still shaking. 

I did not stop shaking until the next day. It was almost more traumatic to hear my story than it was to live it! 

Two weeks later I needed to go to a 6 month follow up mammogram. I was a nervous wreck because I knew they saw some calcification and made me come back because sometimes calcification can turn cancerous. There was some change in the 6 months so they scheduled me for a biopsy. This is not the way I wanted the visit to go. It was 3 WEEKS before the wedding, I did not have time to have cancer again. I had a wedding to go to and a grandchild on the way. I was crying and crying and crying. The technicians felt so badly for me. They tried to encourage me that I had a 50/50 change of it being benign, but with my history I could not even fathom that I had a chance. I begged them to not torture me waiting for results and they promised they would get them to me in a couple of days after the procedure.

I left radiology and went right down to find the oncology social worker. I knew I needed support and I needed it right away! I called my husband and told him the situation and told him I was not coming home until I saw the social worker. 

I found the social worker and to my surprise (but I should have known) my husband drove right over to the hospital and joined me with the social worker. She gave me some helpful breathing techniques, to calm me down so I could drive home. Then she left me and my husband alone. I kept crying that I was not lucky and I was so afraid I had cancer again. It was then my husband said to me words that changed my mood in an instant. He said, " You are still alive, YOU ARE LUCKY!" That changed everything. 

Luckily, my biopsy was benign this time. I was thrilled. beyond. words.

A faith experience

It is exciting to be expecting our first grandchild and this week we found out that it is a boy. A grandson. It makes the experience so real to find out the gender of the child and I would have cried either way! 

I have a little story to share that happened back in May when we were hoping that a grandchild would be in our future. 

 My husband and I were out to dinner for our anniversary in our home town and on the way home I had an urge to stop at my old church and light a candle for my daughter in law. We were hoping that we would be getting some good news soon as we knew my son and his wife were wanting to start a family. My hometown church is the only church I knew of in our immediate area that still has real candles to light. 

As we were drivng over to the church, my husband wondered out loud if the church would even be open as it was now about 7:30 P.M. and most churches lock their doors these days when evening is falling. We decided to try anyway. We drove into the parking lot and noticed there were no other cars around. 

We went up to the doors and they were unlocked! As we walked inside the church we heard singing filling up the church and I assumed that choir practice was going on. I went to the left to the back of the church under the choir loft where all the candles are set up and my husband went right and walked into the main part of the church. I found an unlit 5 day candle and lit it then walked over to the kneeler to say a prayer.

While I was kneeling there praying, I was thinking to myself that I was so glad I was at the church on choir practice night. The singing was just beautiful and I was getting the chills from it. As I began to listen more closely, I thought that it wasn't really singing I was hearing, but more like a chanting. It certainly wasn't anything I recognized and nothing I have ever heard in a Catholic church before. I became very still and listened and  felt something like an electrical charge go through me. It is very hard to put into words, but it started in my chest, not a pain or anything, just a feeling. In that moment I thought that maybe the choir chanting was a sign that something good was going to happen. 

I was excited now and I stood up and my husband came over to me. I mentioned the chanting and he said that he thought it sounded like a Gregorian chant. "I am so glad we came on choir practice night, I think this chanting is a sign." I exclaimed to him.

Then very seriously my husband looked at me and said, "Lena, there is NO ONE in the choir loft. Look, it is dark and empty."  He continued on, " I even went up to the speakers at the front of the church and put my hand to them. NO SOUND is coming out. I put my EAR to them. Nothing is coming out of those speakers." 

In that moment, I KNEW this was all a sign that my daughter in law was pregnant and I was so excited! We tried to think of where the chanting could be coming from but there was no explanation. The sound was filling up the entire sanctuary and NO ONE was there but me and my husband. 

The very next day, my son called us to tell us that they were expecting a child! We were very thrilled to say the least, but told my son that we knew the night before.