Phase ll

Last week I went for my radiation appointment. Most people tell you that chemo was the hardest so the worst is behind you and that radiation is so much easier. But I know a few folks who did great with chemo and found radiation very hard. I didn't ask detailed questions as to why it  was hard, because I don't want those things stuck in my head for fear that they will happen to me. Once I was in the grocery store and I over heard a woman telling her friend how hard radiation was for her and I pushed my carriage out of there so fast, so  I would not have to hear anymore.  So I will have to see for myself what my experience will be.

I didn't get off to a great start as far as my first appointment. I sat there listening to the doctor tell me all about the side effects and I started to become uneasy. I don't enjoy hearing all about the things that can go wrong and it drives home the point of how serious and risky all these treatments are even though they have become so common place.

Then they took me in for a CAT Scan. It was not a diagnostic CAT scan, it was a scan that they do to get information to make a treatment plan. It was only 5 minutes in the machine, but I get so anxious in the machine, so I was not looking forward to it. They warned me on the phone that if they had time, they would be doing the scan at the consult, so I came prepared with my sleep mask! 

There were many moments of  humiliation involved in the appointment. First off they take you to the dressing rooms and you walk out in your johnny into the "inner waiting" room. You are allowed to have one adult wait for you in the "inner waiting" room. So I step out of the dressing room into the waiting room and there are men sitting there waiting for their wives. My husband was in the "outer waiting" room and I think that is where all the husbands need to be! It was so uncomfortable walking out and in those stupid johnny coats and having men there. I had my pants on so the johnny was not flapping in the breeze, but I still had to hold it so my back would not be exposed. 

Then I get into the CAT scan room and lay down. I have positional vertigo and had a little trouble putting my head the way they needed it to be, but we managed to find a position that did not cause me dizziness. They moved me in all different ways to make a mold of my shoulders which I will use for every radiation.

At one point, they were taking digital pictures of my exposed breast. It made me cringe.  Then they gave me permanent tattoos that they put on your body to use to line up the machines. The tattoos are very small dots, but let me tell you that when they stick the needle in it sure hurts. 

So I was very happy when the whole appointment was behind me and glad that they did the CAT scan and I didn't have to come back and do it another day. I took 3 hours off from work to get it all done.

You can imagine my dissappointment when the office called me in the afternoon to tell me that they didn't get all of the information they needed with the CAT scan and although it is rare, this sometimes happens.  I had to go back and repeat the CAT scan. They had to do the CAT scan twice more to get what they needed. I am not sure why it was so difficult for them to get it right, but I was just glad it was done.

When I went back for the repeat CAT scan, I told the girl how uncomfortable the dressing room situation was for me. She said all the patients complain about lack of privacy that I was not alone and to talk to the main office. I didn't do it yet, but I plan on it. 

I will start radiation next Monday, Oct. 17 and it will last 6 1/2 weeks.

Ever since my consult appointment, I have been a little down trying to figure out how I will gear up for this next phase. I was on a real  high when the chemo was done and adjusting to starting all over again with a new treatment with new people, in a new department, a new drill just was too much to think about. Blah! And not feeling comfortable in the environment is not helping. I have been telling myself that I will gear up and handle it, just like I did for the chemo. I still have a week to get into the right frame of mind. 

I was at the library yesterday looking for some specific books that were absolutely not cancer related. Since it is breast cancer awareness month they had an assortment of cancer books displayed. They caught my eye and I had to look at what was out there, just in case I had missed a really good one.  I looked them over and decided to keep with my intention of not reading any more cancer books. There is just so much you can read about it. The books on display pretty much were filled with all the typical information that I have read about.

So I went looking for the books on my list  that were non-cancer related! By accident when I was going through the books, I came across more cancer books and one stood out. It was called: Surviving Cancer Emotionally: Learning How to Heal by Roger Granet, M.D.  Now that looked like a really good book and other books I have read only touched on the emotional side of cancer, so I broke my rule and took out another cancer book to read. 

And I am glad I did. It is one of the best books I have read and the only book that really talks about the phases of feelings that you go through and what is normal and concrete examples of ways to cope with cancer. I was pleased to see that many of the things I have been doing (massage, music, art) was on  his list of ways to cope. 

And I just read that every phase of cancer treatment is a crisis. So the dread I am feeling about radiation and how difficult it is to gear up for it is completely normal in this circumstance. Even the oncologist told me that he didn't understand why I was down, since the worst was behind me. If he could have known to say that it was a normal feeling, that would have been so much more helpful to me. But he isn't trained when it comes to the emotinal aspect of cancer. 

Next time I am there I am going to tell him about this book. This should be recommended reading for cancer patients or any one going through an illness that is life changing.

And as soon as I finish this book I will return it to the library and tell them it should be out front and center with the display of books for Oct. and breast cancer awareness month.