I had a week to have it sink in that I needed chemotherapy again before I sat down with my oncologist. It was hard at first to take it in especially because there was such a good chance that all I needed would be the surgery to remove the tumor. I believed I would be OK and I had hundreds of people praying for me.
So I moped around some at home and stayed as up beat as I could with friends and family. I have been through chemo before, I did pretty well, I know what to expect, I should be able to do this. I hoped that the number of rounds might be even less for this time around. I was the master of self positive talk all week.
Everything I hoped and prayed for went out the window during this appointment. First they called and said he wanted me to come at a different time so he could spend a longer time with me. Red flag. I cringed a little when the receptionist said that to me. Longer time? Why? I just want to know how many rounds, it should not take that long. Oh, dear.. I am going to get a curve ball. I can feel it.
So he comes in and tells me that I will need chemo. He didn't realize the surgeon told me already. He asked lots of questions about family history. There is no history of colon cancer in my family. I am the first one. They want to do genetic testing. At first I cringe thinking more tests for me. But all they do is test the tumor.
The oncologist proceeds to tell me that I have stage III colon cancer (not early stage as the G.I. doctor thought.) I am going to need 12 cycles of chemo, every 2 weeks, for 6 months. Gulp. The side effects of the chemotherapy are a lot more intense than I had with the other chemotherapy. (Twice as many rounds as I had with the chemo for the breast cancer.) I will need 3 days in the row to go into the hospital and have infusions then wear a pump at home over night for 2 nights.
He would give me the information a bit at a time, very slowly and calculated looking straight into my eyes. I sat up straighter and did not flinch. I saw no reason to say anything. In these situations there is nothing to be said. I could not wheel and deal my way out of it, I was backed up into a corner and the only way out is to submit. "I understand I have to suck this up," I said. He looked at me and said, "It isn't fair. I hated coming in here to tell you this news. Usually it is the patient who says it isn't fair, and here I am telling you it isn't fair."
I don't think it is fair either, but stating it doesn't change a thing.
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