Bittersweet

Today was my last treatment for the breast cancer. One year of treatment for her-2- positive aggressive form of breast cancer. I had been planning for this day for a long time. I had envisioned that my family would be by my side and once they took the I.V. off of me  we would celebrate with a cake for everyone in the treatment room. I would ring the bell smiling at my kids, my husband, my mom and sisters and my two best friends. We would all be crying with happiness. And then I would hug and kiss all the oncology staff and I would leave the treatment room with my family and friends and we would all go out to dinner. And I would be DONE!

It was not how I planned it. Instead I had my last treatment for the breast cancer tagged on to my third round of chemotherapy for the colon cancer. It all felt so anti-climatic so I didn't have anyone come to celebrate. The oncologist asked me if I wanted to ring the bell, but I didn't have the heart to do it today. We decided to wait until treatment was done for the colon cancer. 

I was feeling very sad today because I had to give up a dream that I had been holding onto for this last year. I still get waves of disbelief that I am now battling another cancer. 

Do not get me wrong, I am grateful that treatment for the breast cancer is done. Grateful and pleased and happy. But it is bittersweet no matter how I look at it.

A great weekend

                               Finale - Caroline Doctorow (on guitar) and the Steamrollers and Grayson Hugh (on        piano)

                                                      Humorist Loretta LaRoche

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I went back to work after my last round and walked into a very stressful situation. It really didn't have anything to do with me as my job responsibilities have changed since my illness, but I ended up in the middle of it with people wanting and needing my help as they were used to working with me.

For the most part it didn't have to be as stressful as I made it out to be, but it was a lot to have to handle coming back off of chemo and feeling drained with a host of side effects. I also came down with a UTI and another side effect that landed me at the doctor's office. In short, I was a mess that week. But did I even realize how much of a mess I was? NO! I completely over did it at work, then insisted on going out that Friday night when I should have gone straight to bed when I got home from work. 

So long story short, I had a relapse on Sat. ended up in the walk-in and they doubled and extended my medication, and were quite worried about me. I needed to go home and rest. It put a damper on Mother's Day, as I was going to have my mom and my sisters along with my kids over at my house.  I canceled that get together and just my kids came down later in the afternoon after I had napped all day.

Last Monday was treatment day again and my oncologist decided not to treat me due to the infection and the other side effects that were going strong. I was relieved. I felt so weak and wondered how in the world I could handle another round when I had not recovered from the last one. So I took 3 whole days off from work and just relaxed and nursed myself back to health. I was scared that I had done this to myself and I thought back to how I should have spoken up and not taken on so much. 

So the upside is that I had an extra week off from chemo and it was wonderful! I was drinking and eating all the cold food I wanted to and enjoyed it immensely! By the time this weekend rolled around, I felt pretty good. 

We kicked off the weekend at the beach Friday night and watched the sun set after a delicious sea food dinner! Saturday I did some  errands and we went out late for our anniversary dinner. 37 Years on Thursday. (treatment will prevent celebrating much this weekend so we did it early!) 

On Sunday I went to a cancer survivor event in at a hospital in aother town. They were having humorist Loretta LoRoche. I saw her many years ago at during a staff day at work. I loved her. She is so very funny and talks about surviving life and finding the "bless in the mess" when life get tough. My husband came with me and we had a really nice time laughing all afternoon. 

After her performance we had an opportunity to try Harmonic Sound Healing. We laid down on lawn chairs outside with gongs in front of us and in back of us while we relaxed, the practitioners hit the gongs and come around with chime bowls. The sound vibrations are supposed to heal you on a cellular level and help you to unblock everyday trauma. I find it very hard to relax, so as I sat there I could feel my heart beating a little fast. so I just worked on staying calm and praying. It was something we never did before and it was interesting. And I am looking for as many healing modalities as I can comfortably partake in. 

Later that night we drove about 50 miles to our favorite concert hall for a concert. We had another nice dinner out as there is a great restaurant next to the venue. Out to eat 3 nights in a row! Hey, we deserve to celebrate our anniversary! 

We enjoyed the show very much and decided it was a great day. Laughing, Vibrational healing, music, good food, togetherness and lots of singing in the car on the way up there which was actually my favorite part!

Back at the hospital this morning to start round # 3. My cup runs over with inspiration from the weekend that will carry me through the week!

Friday

It has been a long treatment week. I have been in a chemo haze for a couple of days and looking anxiously to snap out of it. I thought I would be  much better today, but not really. The weather has been damp and dreary this week which has not helped. I have trouble occupying myself. The haze distracts me from reading or doing anything that takes some concentration and feeling so weak prohibits doing anything  around the house. I have literately spent hours sitting in my recliner or lying on my bed on and off the i pad, staring into space, or sleeping. Wish I could have slept more because I like the escape it brings me. 

I think about the day wasted, the many days wasted from the past in a chemo haze and yet more to come. 

Then I remind myself that I am  grateful for any day that I am breathing, so I try to have more patience and compassion with myself. I don't want to wish time away, but if I could blink and make all of this be over I would.

It seems so many people are making some cash off of their cancer. I am reading blogs that have turned into books or magazine articles or people becoming cancer coaches and I wonder if there is a piece of the pie for me. At the very least I should be able to make some money off of this experience! LOL The hospital and doctors and pharmaceutical companies are sure making a lot of money off of me!

I spoke with my therapist on the phone today. I am too weak to drive there so we set up phone calls.I was feeling so stressed out like I wanted to just quit this treatment and stop being a trooper and stop being so strong. I just cried it all out. After I shared all the feelings with her I noticed that I felt better. She didn't judge me and reminded me not to judge myself when I am feeling sorry for myself. She reminded me how it is impossible to ignore the discomfort when we aren't feeling well and how important it is to baby myself and be compassionate to myself with no judging. I know these things, but I forget them so easily. 

When I got off of the phone, I felt like a kid in a way. Free. Free of all those feelings that were weighing me down on top of the chemotherapy. I opened the window and noticed that the sun had come out a little bit and the fresh air smelled so good coming into my bedroom. Just the presence of the sunshine and the air lifted my spirits!

Hoping for some sun and getting out of the house tomorrow!

Another round

                                                                        Treatment room

Time goes by quickly and I am already on day 3 of  round #2.

The side effects last time were what I expected. Lots of G.I. issues, some nausea, burning tongue, metal taste in my mouth, and other stuff. I needed to spend one whole day in bed  on Thursday and then started to perk up later that evening. By Sunday I was feeling good and energy back so I decided to go back to work on Monday after being out for a month.

Going back to work was a good thing. It felt good to get my mind occupied with other things other than my medical issues! I saw how some things fell through the cracks when I was gone even though a pool of people were covering for me. I felt needed! 

I decided that I can only work every other week and we worked out my leave so that will be possible. We will see how it goes. I know I have to put my health first and as long as I can avoid the stressful assignments, I will be OK. And I know people are going out of their way to make sure I am not getting stressed. The support is awesome.

I didn't have the cold sensitivity side effect last round, but it sure kicked up for this round. I have to be so careful and it is hard. It is kind of damp outside so touching dishes, silverware, or even the kitchen counters is cause for concern. I turned the heat up to keep the house warmer, but does not seem to help much. So I am using plastic utensils and making the best of it! The sensation is alarming. Fingertips burn and feel like I have had an electrical shock that lasts for a few minutes. Seems like a long time when it is happening. 

On the up side, I  can  shower on my own because my husband but a nice strong hook up to hold the pump while I am in the shower and put in a hand held shower. I even was able to wash my hair keeping the port and pump dry!  So we have learned to adapt! 

I have nothing much else to share as my life revolves around my treatments lately, but I am hoping now that I will settle into the routine and start to enjoy the days more.