It has been a long treatment week. I have been in a chemo haze for a couple of days and looking anxiously to snap out of it. I thought I would be much better today, but not really. The weather has been damp and dreary this week which has not helped. I have trouble occupying myself. The haze distracts me from reading or doing anything that takes some concentration and feeling so weak prohibits doing anything around the house. I have literately spent hours sitting in my recliner or lying on my bed on and off the i pad, staring into space, or sleeping. Wish I could have slept more because I like the escape it brings me.
I think about the day wasted, the many days wasted from the past in a chemo haze and yet more to come.
Then I remind myself that I am grateful for any day that I am breathing, so I try to have more patience and compassion with myself. I don't want to wish time away, but if I could blink and make all of this be over I would.
It seems so many people are making some cash off of their cancer. I am reading blogs that have turned into books or magazine articles or people becoming cancer coaches and I wonder if there is a piece of the pie for me. At the very least I should be able to make some money off of this experience! LOL The hospital and doctors and pharmaceutical companies are sure making a lot of money off of me!
I spoke with my therapist on the phone today. I am too weak to drive there so we set up phone calls.I was feeling so stressed out like I wanted to just quit this treatment and stop being a trooper and stop being so strong. I just cried it all out. After I shared all the feelings with her I noticed that I felt better. She didn't judge me and reminded me not to judge myself when I am feeling sorry for myself. She reminded me how it is impossible to ignore the discomfort when we aren't feeling well and how important it is to baby myself and be compassionate to myself with no judging. I know these things, but I forget them so easily.
When I got off of the phone, I felt like a kid in a way. Free. Free of all those feelings that were weighing me down on top of the chemotherapy. I opened the window and noticed that the sun had come out a little bit and the fresh air smelled so good coming into my bedroom. Just the presence of the sunshine and the air lifted my spirits!
Hoping for some sun and getting out of the house tomorrow!
Posts
5 comments:
I am so glad you have a good therapist to talk to when this all begins to weigh too heavily. Who says we have to go thru everything in life with a "stiff upper lip"? I think you are allowed some down days, because some how you are getting thru them and right now that's all that counts. Every day crossed off is one day closer to the finish line. They there will be time for laughter and dancing!
Sorry about the damp and dreary and your being "treatment-weary." Don't blame you for feeling down. I'm glad you have a good therapist to talk to. Better days are coming, with more sun and fresh air.
This was such an honest post. I love that you feel comfortable here, opening up a bit more & sharing the not so good things you are going through. We love you and are all on your side. Hopefully our combined good thoughts & prayers are making a difference. Now if only I could convince you to share more photographs...lol. Maybe the blog fairies will take notice & you'll be on your way to blog superstardom. Hey, we can all dream, can't we?
Sometimes I feel silly talking about how much better I feel when I'm outside. It really makes a difference. I'm wishing you a lot of sunshine. Palm trees and a pool bar too. And for time to fly while you're in treatment.
Just checking in on you today. I was reading your blog last night and you are one hell of a woman. Tough as nails. If you ever need anything Andrew will be at your beck and call.
Post a Comment