I started to gain weight at the age of 5 from what I can tell from my childhood pictures. I have never been a "normal" size since then, but have fluctuated a great deal over the years. I can't say I have tried every diet under the sun, because in most cases I wasn't interested in dieting. I know that sounds crazy considering what I just stated about myself, but I always felt I would do it "myself". I believed that there was a deep and dark unconscious reason for why I had weight issues. I thought if I had enough therapy and dug deep enough into my psyche I would experience that one ultimate light bulb moment that would free me from this affliction and the weight would melt off of me.
Well, I have had many breakthroughs regarding this issue and while sometimes it led me to manage my weight issues successfully, it did not last for long. Never long enough to get to"normal".
I never really understood what the word bullying meant when I was growing up and it wasn't until recently with all the attention of anti-bullying programs in schools that I came to terms with how much I was bullied as a youngster.
I have been slapped at the dinner table by "well meaning" relatives for taking too much food as a child, I have had obscenities yelled at me from passing cars as a teen-ager, and I was always made fun of in gym class when the nurse would broadcast our weight in front of everyone on weigh days. I was too passive and too much of a nice girl who followed all the rules to ever skip school on those gym days, or ever tell some one off, so I swallowed it all and then would eat over it. It became a cycle for me.
When I did begin to lose weight, people would make a really big deal out of it. I hated the attention. It always made me feel angry and sometimes full of rage to be complimented on my weight loss. I don't know exactly what the anger is about, and I would become so mad that I would just stop trying to lose. I know, I know, it only hurt me in the end. But I still have some of those feelings in me as well as many growing feelings of shame.
A few years back I was walking regularly and watching what I ate and I felt like I was on the right track. I even walked a 5 Mile K with the Oprah show (they filmed a walk in CT one year) when she was doing her whole theme on Moving with Oprah. But then all my feet and knee issues developed. I haven't been able to be as active and over the last few years I just gave up trying. I went back to many bad habits.
I thought my son's wedding would be motivating for me, but it hasn't. But these are my issues and I know there are many people out there who suffer from food addiction like I have all these years. I was very successful in Overeaters' Anonymous years ago, but lost motivation for that.
So that said, I am here to say that for me, I don't enjoy when people comment on my weight loss. I have been trying to be more active now that our pool is open and trying to control my food to get myself ready to make a commitment to myself. The other day at work someone asked me if I lost weight. As soon as I hear those words l feel the anger start to well up inside of me. Maybe it is just the anger of feeling so judged and ridiculed all those years growing up. I am afraid of what may come out of my mouth. But I try to be polite and also just brush it off. But she kept going on about it, now yelling about it across the yard. I just turned away and went inside. I know it was rude to do, but I was totally embarrassed. I was hoping she would not come after me and make it a bigger deal, but thank fully she did not.
I know lots of people especially women want to go on and on and complain about their bodies and their weight and society is more focused on it more than ever before. Most women enjoy being told they look thin or lost weight. Not me. I usually try to change the subject. Sometimes I avoid social situations when I know certain women will be there, the ones who think they have a weight problem and go on and on about it.
So I decided to try to write about it some. This is a huge for me to be posting a blog about something so personal and painful to me, but I know it is time to try to break through these barriers. I can't live like this anymore on so many levels.
Well, I have had many breakthroughs regarding this issue and while sometimes it led me to manage my weight issues successfully, it did not last for long. Never long enough to get to"normal".
I never really understood what the word bullying meant when I was growing up and it wasn't until recently with all the attention of anti-bullying programs in schools that I came to terms with how much I was bullied as a youngster.
I have been slapped at the dinner table by "well meaning" relatives for taking too much food as a child, I have had obscenities yelled at me from passing cars as a teen-ager, and I was always made fun of in gym class when the nurse would broadcast our weight in front of everyone on weigh days. I was too passive and too much of a nice girl who followed all the rules to ever skip school on those gym days, or ever tell some one off, so I swallowed it all and then would eat over it. It became a cycle for me.
When I did begin to lose weight, people would make a really big deal out of it. I hated the attention. It always made me feel angry and sometimes full of rage to be complimented on my weight loss. I don't know exactly what the anger is about, and I would become so mad that I would just stop trying to lose. I know, I know, it only hurt me in the end. But I still have some of those feelings in me as well as many growing feelings of shame.
A few years back I was walking regularly and watching what I ate and I felt like I was on the right track. I even walked a 5 Mile K with the Oprah show (they filmed a walk in CT one year) when she was doing her whole theme on Moving with Oprah. But then all my feet and knee issues developed. I haven't been able to be as active and over the last few years I just gave up trying. I went back to many bad habits.
I thought my son's wedding would be motivating for me, but it hasn't. But these are my issues and I know there are many people out there who suffer from food addiction like I have all these years. I was very successful in Overeaters' Anonymous years ago, but lost motivation for that.
So that said, I am here to say that for me, I don't enjoy when people comment on my weight loss. I have been trying to be more active now that our pool is open and trying to control my food to get myself ready to make a commitment to myself. The other day at work someone asked me if I lost weight. As soon as I hear those words l feel the anger start to well up inside of me. Maybe it is just the anger of feeling so judged and ridiculed all those years growing up. I am afraid of what may come out of my mouth. But I try to be polite and also just brush it off. But she kept going on about it, now yelling about it across the yard. I just turned away and went inside. I know it was rude to do, but I was totally embarrassed. I was hoping she would not come after me and make it a bigger deal, but thank fully she did not.
I know lots of people especially women want to go on and on and complain about their bodies and their weight and society is more focused on it more than ever before. Most women enjoy being told they look thin or lost weight. Not me. I usually try to change the subject. Sometimes I avoid social situations when I know certain women will be there, the ones who think they have a weight problem and go on and on about it.
So I decided to try to write about it some. This is a huge for me to be posting a blog about something so personal and painful to me, but I know it is time to try to break through these barriers. I can't live like this anymore on so many levels.
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7 comments:
Weight has always been an issue with me. It didn't get critical, however, until after I had my third child. Pound after pound has crept on and even though/in spite of my activity (5-6 hours of cardio per week) I've managed to be 100 lbs.+ heavier than I should be. I am mortified every time I look in the mirror.
I think that there are other people who dislike this topic as much as you, and I think you are brave and generous to describe your experiences. Weight is such a personal thing. I wish it weren't such a public topic.
And I'm so sorry for all the abused you've endured.
If only weight could be taken out of the equation. If there were no gaining or losing. If everyone were the perfect size for their height and could eat whatever they wanted. What a dream. I'm sorry for how the issue of weight has affected you. I'm the only slim one in my family. My one sister once told me that when she first wakes up she forgets she's 'fat' (her words, not mine). Then she remembers and hates herself. That made me so sad and I can't forget it. She told me that her weight has affected her happiness her whole life.
Kathy - Mirrors and cameras make me shudder.
Ruth - Yes, I agree, weight is so personal and now a days it is a big topic everywhere. Weight watchers now goes into the work place. I will write a post about that sometime.
Cheryl - I have 2 sisters, both without weight issues. I have never in my life spoken one word about it to either of them. I never really thought about it until I read your comment. My defenses are high and they know it is an out of bounds subject. It is nice your sister could share with you and that you have empathy for her.
P.S. Kathy - You are amazing with 5-6 cardio per week. That is fantastic! I am lucky if I do 5-6 minutes, but I am working on it.
Our society is sick on this subject. We have a close relative with anorexia. She's growing older now, and this illness has really taken its toll on her health. There's a saying, "You can't be too rich or too thin." Well, I don't know anything about "too rich", but I know that you can definitely be too thin. People with any tact and common sense know that intrusive comments on looks are hurtful, especially in a culture like ours.
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