Stuck

I have done nothing exciting to report. I go to work, come home and usually stay on the computer all night reading blogs or watching U-tube. I might take a break from all of that fun and go and play Mario on the Wii. In between, I am reading a book about Food Addiction that is one of the best books I have ever read about the subject. And I have read many. It is provoking lots of feelings. Yes, feelings... whoa, whoa, feelings... that I don't want to deal with. All I want to do is be out in the sunshine in my pool making whirl pools. That is where I feel safe and free. But we still have a lot of winter to cope with yet.

My heart knows what I need to be doing, but my body is frozen and my head talks me out of taking better care of myself. So while winter usually is a low energy time for me, this winter is a killer so far. I know it is the grieving that is zapping my energy on top of all the the other issues . I hate feeling this way, but yet, there is a part of me that is so comfortable with it. I feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, and lonely.

My son turned 30 years old on Thursday. We are going over there later to celebrate with his wife, new in-laws and all of my family. It will be his first birthday that Dad won't be there to celebrate with us and it makes me feel so sad. Yet, I am so happy for my son. He has a wonderful new wife, new place, and in-laws he really loves and they love him. So I concentrate on all the positive for him and know that my dad will be with us in spirit.

I know things will get better, I know I will do the right things when I can, and I know I can count on all of your support. So thanks for listening and being there for me at a time when I am not ready to talk to my day to day friends or family.

Ocean view

A short video of the beach from yesterday. It was cold down the shoreline and I forgot my gloves so my hands were freezing.

Time off

So a three day weekend is here. I am enjoying a lazy Saturday. After spending some time with a friend this morning, my husband and I took a ride to the beach. We took some photos, went out to lunch at our favorite sea food place and came home. It was a mild sunny day and everyone was out at the beach and to lunch. A nice break from the very cold weather we have been having, but sort of like a little tease as it is supposed to snow again tomorrow.

The other night we saw Up In The Air with George Clooney. I really enjoyed it. Although a very serious movie, it had many funny moments.

I have yet to see Avatar. I am hoping to see that soon, but don't usually have the patience for such a long movie. But I hear it is worth it, so I plan to give it a try.

Hope many of you are also enjoying a 3 day weekend!

Back to business

I went back to work this week, first time back since my dad passed away. I was a little on edge about going back in. I work on a campus and have been there a long time. The people are very friendly and caring people. We have supported one another through a lot of good times and crisis times. So you can almost imagine my feelings when only one person came to my dad's wake, no one attended the funeral, and no phone calls during the break. I did receive a card signed by everyone from my building which came after the funeral and the company sent me a basket.

But standing in line at the wake and meeting so many of my siblings co-workers and only having one person show up for me made me feel sad.

It isn't typical for my place of employment not to rally around a staff member and I was feeling badly about myself. Did I do something that made people think that I would not want their comfort? Am I too stand offish? I do try to keep my personal life separate from work, because I believe that is the professional thing to do. Some knew that my dad was very ill. I didn't spend my days going on about it to many people, but shared it when it was appropriate to do so.

So Monday morning I would be seeing my co-workers for the first time. It ended up being like a mini wake in my office, people coming in and offering their condolences and giving me hugs. Some said that they had been thinking about me every day. I wanted to say that I wished they had called, but didn't. No one said why they didn't make it to the services. It was hard to come back to work and have to go through a wake-like process again, but I was appreciative that people acknowledged my dad's passing and that the ice was broken.

When I went into the building next door, a co-worker there told me she had been out of the office for a couple of days and when she came back , she found out my dad had passed away from someone who no longer worked there. It was too late to make any services. No one from the office had called her. There were other people who were not told as well.

I am working on letting this go. I know no one did anything malicious, I believe they thought I would want privacy, but they never asked me. Maybe I don't understand the vibe I give off. I am writing about this today not because it is eating at me, but because I am sharing a slice of my experience and trying to learn more about myself because of it.

There are some things you just have to let go of and accept that people did what they thought was best and move forward. I know people cared and that was the most important thing.

Standing in your truth

We spent a quiet New Year's Eve with my mom. We took her to an early dinner and then just hung around watching TV with her and stayed over night. I knew that being alone on New Year's Eve without my dad for the first time in over 63 years, would not be an easy thing for her. So I was glad we were able to stay with her and get her through yet another holiday.

It is often said that a crisis is an opportunity for growth. When a family goes through an illness and death of a loved one, there are many situations that challenge your relationships and perspective. I found myself coming up against a few tough situations where I held different opinions than some family members and it caused some upset within the family.

I have always been afraid of conflict, and more of a people pleaser than I would like to admit. But when dealing with issues of life and death, there is no room for such nonsense. I found that I could stand in my truth with confidence and let the ramifications wash over me and go forward. It wasn't easy and there were times I needed support from my friends. But never the less, I managed.

After the funeral was over I decided to schedule a massage for myself. Everyone was telling me to take some extra time for me and do something that I would enjoy and massage was number one on the list. Not just for the relaxation, but also because I have a good rapport with my massage therapist and I knew being in her presence would be a healing experience.

My therapist was astounded because for the first time since she has been working on me (a few years), my muscles were completely relaxed with absolutely no knots. I had been getting good rest during all of the craziness, so I would account that for some of the reason. I would work, go to the hospital and come home to bed. Luckily with a retired husband, I could pass on the housework, etc. to him. I believed that the resting would keep my resistance up and keep me healthy.

But as I shared with my masseuse the issues and situations that I have been handling, we both became aware that when you stop people pleasing and act on what your intuition tells you to, the body is under less stress and stays relaxed. I have studied the mind/body/spirit connection for years, so when the therapist mentioned that she could believe how relaxed my back was because it is usually one big knot, I told her that the back is where we hold all our issues relating to the past. She said she got the goosebumps. I had been dealing with past issues and instead of swallowing them, I handled them. My feet were also more relaxed and flexible than they have ever been and the feet are the symbol for being grounded.

I have learned a lot through this experience of loss. My personal lens has changed, I have a new found confidence that I can feel right down to my toes. I feel like I figured out who I really am, and though not everyone may like it, I am not going to hide it any longer.

I had thought quite a long time of how to move forward with some relationships after all was said and done. At first I was keeping a score card and going to address all the issues when things settled down, but I no longer feel the need to do so. I am going to move forward and be gentle with myself and others, but from here on in, I will speak up about who I am and what is true for me.