I have done nothing exciting to report. I go to work, come home and usually stay on the computer all night reading blogs or watching U-tube. I might take a break from all of that fun and go and play Mario on the Wii. In between, I am reading a book about Food Addiction that is one of the best books I have ever read about the subject. And I have read many. It is provoking lots of feelings. Yes, feelings... whoa, whoa, feelings... that I don't want to deal with. All I want to do is be out in the sunshine in my pool making whirl pools. That is where I feel safe and free. But we still have a lot of winter to cope with yet.
My heart knows what I need to be doing, but my body is frozen and my head talks me out of taking better care of myself. So while winter usually is a low energy time for me, this winter is a killer so far. I know it is the grieving that is zapping my energy on top of all the the other issues . I hate feeling this way, but yet, there is a part of me that is so comfortable with it. I feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, and lonely.
My son turned 30 years old on Thursday. We are going over there later to celebrate with his wife, new in-laws and all of my family. It will be his first birthday that Dad won't be there to celebrate with us and it makes me feel so sad. Yet, I am so happy for my son. He has a wonderful new wife, new place, and in-laws he really loves and they love him. So I concentrate on all the positive for him and know that my dad will be with us in spirit.
I know things will get better, I know I will do the right things when I can, and I know I can count on all of your support. So thanks for listening and being there for me at a time when I am not ready to talk to my day to day friends or family.
My heart knows what I need to be doing, but my body is frozen and my head talks me out of taking better care of myself. So while winter usually is a low energy time for me, this winter is a killer so far. I know it is the grieving that is zapping my energy on top of all the the other issues . I hate feeling this way, but yet, there is a part of me that is so comfortable with it. I feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, and lonely.
My son turned 30 years old on Thursday. We are going over there later to celebrate with his wife, new in-laws and all of my family. It will be his first birthday that Dad won't be there to celebrate with us and it makes me feel so sad. Yet, I am so happy for my son. He has a wonderful new wife, new place, and in-laws he really loves and they love him. So I concentrate on all the positive for him and know that my dad will be with us in spirit.
I know things will get better, I know I will do the right things when I can, and I know I can count on all of your support. So thanks for listening and being there for me at a time when I am not ready to talk to my day to day friends or family.
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6 comments:
"I feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, and lonely."
Me too. I had no idea the death of my mother would affect me this way because she was never much of a support for me. But I too have had a very difficult winter.
I do believe it will get better for both of us, but we can't rush it.
Sending you a hug and saying a prayer for you.
You know what, sometimes the best thing you can do is to just let yourself 'be'. Let yourself just be comfortable and do the mundane things that keep your mind and hands busy. Keep blogging and reaching out where you feel comfortable. I realized after a loss that you become a new 'you'. You will never again be the person you were before you lost your father. You can never un-know that kind of loss. Embrace you. Because you're pretty great.
Go make some whirlpools and enjoy yourself.
Hugs friend.
I have SO been there. I lost my mom fifteen months ago...it get's better. I remember Thanksgiving last year, I cried all day. It was the first supposed gathering without her, and I couldn't gather. Time though, sriously helps. It does get easier. You know though...Although we feel like orphans regardless of when we lose our parents, there are some positive things that go along with that....at least for me. It's hard to explain, but I would be happy to try at some point. Just trust me, better days are ahead. You will get control of what you want for yourself. Now is just not the time, don't be so hard on you. Hugs, friend. :)
1. Happy Birthday to your son!
2. Being out in your pool making whirlpools might be a little detrimental to your health in this weather, but I know what you mean. Just thinking of being outside in WARMTH makes me feel better.
Hang in there.
3. Experiencing loss doesn't just mean missing the person we've lost, but that part of us that they took with them. Be kind to yourself.
It does get better, given time. Looks like we're in for more winter, but spring will come before long.
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