I went back to work this week, first time back since my dad passed away. I was a little on edge about going back in. I work on a campus and have been there a long time. The people are very friendly and caring people. We have supported one another through a lot of good times and crisis times. So you can almost imagine my feelings when only one person came to my dad's wake, no one attended the funeral, and no phone calls during the break. I did receive a card signed by everyone from my building which came after the funeral and the company sent me a basket.
But standing in line at the wake and meeting so many of my siblings co-workers and only having one person show up for me made me feel sad.
It isn't typical for my place of employment not to rally around a staff member and I was feeling badly about myself. Did I do something that made people think that I would not want their comfort? Am I too stand offish? I do try to keep my personal life separate from work, because I believe that is the professional thing to do. Some knew that my dad was very ill. I didn't spend my days going on about it to many people, but shared it when it was appropriate to do so.
So Monday morning I would be seeing my co-workers for the first time. It ended up being like a mini wake in my office, people coming in and offering their condolences and giving me hugs. Some said that they had been thinking about me every day. I wanted to say that I wished they had called, but didn't. No one said why they didn't make it to the services. It was hard to come back to work and have to go through a wake-like process again, but I was appreciative that people acknowledged my dad's passing and that the ice was broken.
When I went into the building next door, a co-worker there told me she had been out of the office for a couple of days and when she came back , she found out my dad had passed away from someone who no longer worked there. It was too late to make any services. No one from the office had called her. There were other people who were not told as well.
I am working on letting this go. I know no one did anything malicious, I believe they thought I would want privacy, but they never asked me. Maybe I don't understand the vibe I give off. I am writing about this today not because it is eating at me, but because I am sharing a slice of my experience and trying to learn more about myself because of it.
There are some things you just have to let go of and accept that people did what they thought was best and move forward. I know people cared and that was the most important thing.
But standing in line at the wake and meeting so many of my siblings co-workers and only having one person show up for me made me feel sad.
It isn't typical for my place of employment not to rally around a staff member and I was feeling badly about myself. Did I do something that made people think that I would not want their comfort? Am I too stand offish? I do try to keep my personal life separate from work, because I believe that is the professional thing to do. Some knew that my dad was very ill. I didn't spend my days going on about it to many people, but shared it when it was appropriate to do so.
So Monday morning I would be seeing my co-workers for the first time. It ended up being like a mini wake in my office, people coming in and offering their condolences and giving me hugs. Some said that they had been thinking about me every day. I wanted to say that I wished they had called, but didn't. No one said why they didn't make it to the services. It was hard to come back to work and have to go through a wake-like process again, but I was appreciative that people acknowledged my dad's passing and that the ice was broken.
When I went into the building next door, a co-worker there told me she had been out of the office for a couple of days and when she came back , she found out my dad had passed away from someone who no longer worked there. It was too late to make any services. No one from the office had called her. There were other people who were not told as well.
I am working on letting this go. I know no one did anything malicious, I believe they thought I would want privacy, but they never asked me. Maybe I don't understand the vibe I give off. I am writing about this today not because it is eating at me, but because I am sharing a slice of my experience and trying to learn more about myself because of it.
There are some things you just have to let go of and accept that people did what they thought was best and move forward. I know people cared and that was the most important thing.
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21 comments:
Perhaps the snow storm that weekend kept people away.
That happened to one person who lived where it snowed the hardest. But for most folks the snow would not have been a problem because it stopped long before the services. And I think people would have said that was the case. I know I would have.
I can certainly understand why that would upset you. I get that you don't want to make an issue of it, but I'll be that you are the first one to DO something when these things happen to other co-workers. Maybe that is why? Because YOU weren't there to remind everyone what must be done? Once, when I had worked at my last job for years and years, I was away on vacation, and someone died that was in our place of business a couple times each week. NO ONE did anything for the family. NOTHING. I did not know about it, therefore nothing got done. I was appalled. Perhaps this is the same sort of thing?
I hope you're doing well. Big hugs. :)
Hi Jamie,
I am doing well.
Actually, no I am not the one who organizes people there.
It was just a very odd situation all the way around. Maybe sometime I will find out the story.
Lena, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I completely understand your hurt about the situation. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Believe me I know exactly how you feel. I have lost two sisters to cancer in the last eight months and no one came to either. My boss was more concerned about me being off for the funeral. Didn't even get to go to the burial for one of them.
Oh Ruth,
Thank -you!
Anonymous,
I am sorry about your sisters.
My company was wonderful about the time I took off so I have no complaints there.
They were extremely supportive in all ways, even when I came back.
Thank you, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
My mother passed away last June. I was in daily contact withmy boss, who works inanother state. he is a lovely man, but he sent no flowers or card and didnt even tell other members of our team who reside in other states, yet who I communcate with regularly.
In my local office, no one attended the service,or sent flower but did send emails,except the head manager.
Some people dont know hwo to deal with anothers grief, some dont care. I had to accept that it was better not to know which is was, and just let go.
I am sorry for your loss, and if you were my co-worker, you definitely would have heard from me. Hugs to you!
To Anonymous again,
It is so sad to think you were not allowed to go to the burial of one of your sisters. Unthinkable that an employer could be so heartless.
Hap Joy Free,
I believe my co-workers would have been there had they known. People always show up for these things.
I also have co-workers out of state that I communicate with regularly and since I haven't heard a word from any of them, I figure they weren't told.
But I should not complain. They were so good to me in other ways and they did send something.
You are right, people don't always know how to deal with another's grief. I think they thought I was very private and that is why. But I just wanted to be treated like normal.
It's really a strange thing and I do know how you feel. I was out of work for major surgery 3 years ago. No one from work came to visit. Maybe two of my co-workers sent cards. I know I'm well liked. My feelings were definitely hurt. One of my co-workers fell and broke her right wrist two weeks ago. I've taken up a collection for her at work asking for monetary donations, asking people to be generous. It could have happened to any of us and we all know Vicky doesn't have any reserves. Those that have given have been generous, but only about half of the staff has donated. I just don't understand that. I don't think your co-workers didn't attend or reach out to you because they didn't care. I just don't know why. And I'm sorry.
Cheryl,
It was very nice of you to take up a collection for your co-worker. We do that at our place all of the time. Sometimes it is hard for people to be generous for their own reasons.
I certainly understand how you felt when you were recovering from your surgery,funny how people are.
Thank you for sharing and understanding.
Lena,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I believe you are correct in that perhaps it is the way people at work perceive you. And I think that is being kind to your co-workers. People confuse and amaze me all the time.
Blessings to you during your time of mourning and I hope you can let go of this and know it probably is not you at all, but them.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I struggle with the same questions about the way I appear to others. I don't think I'm approachable and I don't know why. Either that or I just feel invisible . I care about others but i don't believe in butting into others' business either. I hope you find comfort in many places.
Leann,
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. Perceptions and expectations can make one a little crazy if we let them.
I think I am doing pretty well with the letting go, even though I have to do it daily.
Diane,
Yes, invisible is how I often feel, as well. I didn't always feel this way though.
I am thinking about how I am perceived more consciously now than ever before. I am paying more attention to my interactions and trying to go the extra. I will see if I start feeling like I am seen.
Thank you for taking the time to post.
Just stopping by, wondering how you are. Happy Saturday and big hugs. :)
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