Standing in your truth

We spent a quiet New Year's Eve with my mom. We took her to an early dinner and then just hung around watching TV with her and stayed over night. I knew that being alone on New Year's Eve without my dad for the first time in over 63 years, would not be an easy thing for her. So I was glad we were able to stay with her and get her through yet another holiday.

It is often said that a crisis is an opportunity for growth. When a family goes through an illness and death of a loved one, there are many situations that challenge your relationships and perspective. I found myself coming up against a few tough situations where I held different opinions than some family members and it caused some upset within the family.

I have always been afraid of conflict, and more of a people pleaser than I would like to admit. But when dealing with issues of life and death, there is no room for such nonsense. I found that I could stand in my truth with confidence and let the ramifications wash over me and go forward. It wasn't easy and there were times I needed support from my friends. But never the less, I managed.

After the funeral was over I decided to schedule a massage for myself. Everyone was telling me to take some extra time for me and do something that I would enjoy and massage was number one on the list. Not just for the relaxation, but also because I have a good rapport with my massage therapist and I knew being in her presence would be a healing experience.

My therapist was astounded because for the first time since she has been working on me (a few years), my muscles were completely relaxed with absolutely no knots. I had been getting good rest during all of the craziness, so I would account that for some of the reason. I would work, go to the hospital and come home to bed. Luckily with a retired husband, I could pass on the housework, etc. to him. I believed that the resting would keep my resistance up and keep me healthy.

But as I shared with my masseuse the issues and situations that I have been handling, we both became aware that when you stop people pleasing and act on what your intuition tells you to, the body is under less stress and stays relaxed. I have studied the mind/body/spirit connection for years, so when the therapist mentioned that she could believe how relaxed my back was because it is usually one big knot, I told her that the back is where we hold all our issues relating to the past. She said she got the goosebumps. I had been dealing with past issues and instead of swallowing them, I handled them. My feet were also more relaxed and flexible than they have ever been and the feet are the symbol for being grounded.

I have learned a lot through this experience of loss. My personal lens has changed, I have a new found confidence that I can feel right down to my toes. I feel like I figured out who I really am, and though not everyone may like it, I am not going to hide it any longer.

I had thought quite a long time of how to move forward with some relationships after all was said and done. At first I was keeping a score card and going to address all the issues when things settled down, but I no longer feel the need to do so. I am going to move forward and be gentle with myself and others, but from here on in, I will speak up about who I am and what is true for me.