Today we spent time with my mother. When we visit her we take her to the cemetery because she doesn't like going alone. When we take her there she gets so upset about the bush next to dad's grave. They chopped up the bush when they were digging the grave so that one side of it is all cut up. Mom gets so upset and goes on and on about the bush.
We called the grounds keeper and they said that they have no plans to fix it or replace it. Mom's point is that all the other bushes are so beautiful and the one next to dad's grave is ugly and she finds it very upsetting.
I find it hard to listen to her complaining about the bush. We can't do anything about it, and what does it matter? I find the funny looking bush a good marker to help us find dad's grave, so it is helpful to me.
When we walk towards his grave with her hanging on to me so she can walk steadily, she will start to complain how upset she is about the bush. It gives me a stomachache to hear her go on and on about it. I try to tell her to let it go and not to worry about it.
When we got home, mom told me that she realized the bush didn't bother me, but it makes her so very upset. So I said to her that maybe why she is upset has nothing to do with the bush. She thought about that for a second and I saw a look come over her face that told me she was considering that thought.
I feel bad that I can't fix the bush and I feel bad that I can't give her comfort about the bush. But I know deep in my heart, that it isn't about the bush.
We called the grounds keeper and they said that they have no plans to fix it or replace it. Mom's point is that all the other bushes are so beautiful and the one next to dad's grave is ugly and she finds it very upsetting.
I find it hard to listen to her complaining about the bush. We can't do anything about it, and what does it matter? I find the funny looking bush a good marker to help us find dad's grave, so it is helpful to me.
When we walk towards his grave with her hanging on to me so she can walk steadily, she will start to complain how upset she is about the bush. It gives me a stomachache to hear her go on and on about it. I try to tell her to let it go and not to worry about it.
When we got home, mom told me that she realized the bush didn't bother me, but it makes her so very upset. So I said to her that maybe why she is upset has nothing to do with the bush. She thought about that for a second and I saw a look come over her face that told me she was considering that thought.
I feel bad that I can't fix the bush and I feel bad that I can't give her comfort about the bush. But I know deep in my heart, that it isn't about the bush.
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6 comments:
Lena, What kind of bush is it? Will pruning help? If not, why not replace it with something your mother likes?
KathyA It is a very tall and wide bush. Some sort of evergreen. I don't think the park will allow us to dig it up and I doubt if we could. They pretty much cut it down on one side so pruning would not really do much to make it look better.
Brings back memories. In our case, it was a huge untrimmed rhododendron that obscured my dad's grave. Mom wanted it to be removed. She said there'd be "no room" for her. Greendale is known for its lovely rhododendrons. The grounds keeper was not about to do anything with the bush. He reassured Mom that since she and dad had a double lot, there'd be plenty of room for her. Still, she clung to the notion until the end of her days that if she could just ,""cross his palm with $20.00," he would remove the bush." Sometimes there's just no talking to them.
Forsythia, thank you for your comment. I can't tell you how much better you made me feel about it.
Maybe she is thinking that she doesn't want to be under such an ugly bush. So many things for her to fret about. I guess I am the one who needs to let go and quit trying to talk her out of it.
Thanks again!
It's the parenting the parent that I can so relate to in your post. It's the kitchen counter that's dirty. Or the strawberries that need cutting. It's the things that bother them that shouldn't. It's not the bush. It's not the strawberries.
It's so hard, isn't it?
I haven't been around in a long time... I want to say that I am very sorry for your loss, Lena. The last two lines in this post brought tears to my eyes. Take care.
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