Good-bye 2010

Next year will bring whatever next year brings, but what you bring TO it will make all the difference. Marianne Williamson

Another New Year's Eve. We are staying in tonight after a taking a ride down to the shoreline this afternoon and then stopping for lunch at our favorite seafood place. We do that often. We stop by our favorite beach and take more photos and I wonder how many pictures of the same beach we can possibly take. But we do. Something about the sea and the sand that brings a peacefully feeling to our day.

I think about 2010 as I am reading blogs by people who are reflecting on their life from this year. The things they have done and the places they have been. I can't think of any stand out experiences from this particular year. Nothing big to cross of my bucket list. Some little things,which I guess is better than nothing at all. Needless to say, there are many things which I am grateful for and I try to count my blessings often.

I am standing in the shadows of my husband lately, as he pursues his art and his own radio show. Retirement sure agrees with him and although I am proud of his achievements, I think I am feeling a bit envious and wanting something special for myself. I keep thinking it is right around the bend, but maybe I am waiting to run into it instead of going after it.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I know damn well I won't keep them. Hardly anyone does. I have been trying lately to change my thinking and become more mindful of the negative messages I tell myself. I listen to positive affirmations CD's in my car and I am stunned by how negative the tapes in my head are. Why did it take so many years to become aware?

But aware I have become and I do find it fascinating in a strange way to be examining my thinking and to believe that if I can change how I think I can change my life.

2011- I am waiting for you.

Holiday weekend

Christmas 2010 was great. We spent 3 days in a row with family. Thursday night with my sister and brother-in-law who had us all over for pizza so we could visit with their daughter and her husband to be with their very first grandchild. She is the first great-grandchild for my mother. It was so fun having a little one on Christmas! She is only 8 months old now, but she was bright eyed and loving all of the attention and enjoying opening her gifts. Something about having a baby around that makes every occasion that much more enjoyable!

Christmas Eve we visited my other sister's home and my mom made mussels and baked shrimp. I don't care for mussels, but I did enjoy the shrimp immensely. I brought over some chicken caccitore for those allergic to shell fish. It is my grandmother's recipe and I haven't made it for awhile, and oh, it was so very good if I do say so myself!

On Saturday, Christmas Day I was expecting 14 relatives. We had invited my side of the family and my husband's side. My 85 year old Italian mother insisted on making her lasagna because, "it isn't Christmas without Lasagna." I did not argue, but still decided to make a Smithfield ham as well. Everything was delicious!

We had my father in law here who was recently placed in facility for those with memory impairments. Although he does not know us individually, he knows he is with his family. It took a great deal of work to have him here, and my brother in law and my husband took charge of him to make it work. It was touching to see how caring and attentive they are to their dad, who admits he does not really remember them.

Last year we buried my dad 4 days before Christmas, it was a hard time. This year we have 2 new people added to our family. The first great grandchild and my younger son's new girlfriend. My son has been dating V. for a while now and it seems to be a serious relationship. I was thinking how one year ago, neither the baby nor the girlfriend were around. They never knew my dad. But their presence this Christmas meant so much to me. They reminded me that life goes on, that the family keeps growing, more people come into the fold that bring love and joy, even though you miss those who have passed.

It was a very busy three days, a great deal in one weekend, but it was all good! I actually enjoyed the snow storm the day after Christmas. I just relaxed and watched movies and put away the Christmas decorations. It was a lazy and cozy day following a weekend of holiday cheer.

Good will gone wrong

One more story about gift donations.

There was another organization that we worked with over the years that also adopted families during the holiday season. I would get the list of gifts and sizes from the families and pass them on to this organization. They would shop (or we assumed they shopped...more on that later) and then bring all the gifts to their annual Christmas party and wrap them all up. They would deliver to us and we would deliver to the family.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was running around town delivering gifts to all of our clients. It was a very cold day and it had snowed the day before. I was going to homes that had not been shoveled out yet, and I had no boots. My feet were getting soaked.

It was also the day of our annual Christmas Luncheon. So after I ran around town all morning playing Santa, I went to lunch with my office. After our lunch we were let out early due to the holiday. But one of our gift donors had to go to a funeral and had not delivered gifts for the last family I had on my list. I had no choice but to sit in an empty office and wait all afternoon for her to arrive.

Now the family that was to be receiving these gifts was a single mom with a very sad story. Her husband had passed away on her wedding anniversary. Her toddler son went to wake up his daddy that morning and he found him dead in his bed. He had died of a brain hemorrhage during the night. Now it was her first Christmas since her husband passed away and I knew it was going to be a difficult one for her. So I was glad we were able to help her make it a special Christmas for her son.

Finally the gifts arrived and mom was soon at my office to pick them up. I was free to go home!

As soon as I got home, I drew a hot bath and soaked in it for a long time. I was thinking about how stressful it was for us at my office because not only do we have to make sure our own families are taken care of at Christmas, but also our clients and their families. I was tired, but I was feeling good that all my clients would have plenty of gifts for their children and a good meal. I breathed a sigh of relief and started to relax and put the day behind me.

I usually took the day after Christmas off from work, but this particular year I decided to go in. I wasn't at work too long when the phone rang. It was the single mom I wrote about above. I knew this wasn't going to be a good call by how upset she sounded. She told me that the gifts she received were old and the toys were broken and had pieces missing and then she sobbed and sobbed, saying it was the worst Christmas she ever had. She could not stop crying.

My heart sank, I felt so awful, there were no words to express how sorry I was. My heart just broke for this poor woman and her son. There was no consoling her. I think getting all that old broken crap for Christmas just put her over the edge. All I could do was apologize and let her vent.

As soon as I hung up from her, I called a few of my other clients and they said they also had received junk!

I called the organization and let them know what happened, they were so sorry. We had been working with this particular organization for years and we never had any problems before. But I guess this particular year they had a few new members who did not follow the rules about buying brand new gifts!

So we changed our rules and told them we would no longer be accepting wrapped gifts from them. We didn't take wrapped gifts from any place else, but they were an extension of our agency and they got to make their own rules. They had insisted on wrapping all of the gifts first because it was part of their tradition at their annual party and it was so much fun for them. They did understand where we were coming from and agreed from now on, only unwrapped gifts!

So coordinating Christmas gifts for needy families taught me many lessons! My first year there I was excited thinking it would be so much fun, but mostly it was very draining. I could write more on this topic, but I think you all get the picture!

'Tis the Season

Years ago, I worked at a social service agency that served many low income people. When the holidays rolled around we worked with other organizations and businesses that "adopted" our families to ensure that they would have a good meal and gifts for the kids under the tree on Christmas morning. It all sounds good and it pretty much was good, but it was also a very interesting experience for me.

One year a group of employees at a local business wanted to adopt a family. Since there were a lot of staff, I paired them with a single mother who had six children. They mother gave me a list of things that the kids wanted and I passed it on to the one coordinating the gift giving. They had never adopted a family before and they were very excited about making it a good Christmas for the family. As Christmas got closer, the woman was calling me everyday telling me what gifts they were adding to the list. They decided to go above and beyond what was on the list and were chipping in to buy bikes and other big gifts. When I checked with the mom she was thrilled that the business was going all out for her kids and it was turning into the best Christmas they had ever had. That right there worried me. They were going over the top and I wondered if every Christmas after this one would be a let down. But I didn't say a word. They were being generous and the mother was all excited.

A couple of days before Christmas, I got another call from the woman in charge of the Christmas gifts. She said that all the employees were so excited about the gifts they bought, that they decided they wanted to be at the house on Christmas morning and see the faces of the kids when they opened all of their gifts. My heart sank. I had to explain that our clients identities were confidential and we could not release the names without the mother's permission. But more than that I knew the mom would never want to let a dozen strangers in her home on Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents. Who would want to do that? I tried to explain to the woman that the children did not know that their mother was so low on money that she could not afford Christmas gifts for them. The mom had a lot of pride and it was hard for her to accept help, but she was doing so for her kids.

The lady from the business got so mad. She started yelling at me, reminding me how much money they spent on gifts for the kids and it was their "right" to be at their house on Christmas morning. She said she was not looking forward to going back to the other employees to tell them that they could not go over to the house.

I knew this mother would be mortified that these people wanted to come over and intrude on her Christmas with her kids. She didn't want them to know who she was and have everyone know she was down on her luck.

So the woman and I went back and forth and back and forth. I tried to remind the woman that the real purpose of gift giving was giving without expecting anything back. I stressed how good-hearted they were for taking on this project and just maybe they were losing sight of why they were doing this in the first place.

She was good and mad at me. But when the day came for them to deliver the gifts to me, they came with them all. I then called the mother and she came and picked up all the gifts for her and her children and was very, very thankful.

That particular business never called me again to adopt any more families at the holidays.

Change of plans

Christmas is this week, and I am so not ready. I thought I had more spirit in me this year, but I was so caught up with other concerns that I let the time get away from me.

We were all involved with renovating my parents' house and hoping to move as soon as possible. In my head I was visualizing being in by Christmas. I had the mantel all decorated in my head and the house was coming along nicely. More than nice, the rooms we re-did were beautiful. Yet, everyday I was waking up with a stomach ache, there was something deep inside of me that was not happy about the move. While I believed I would enjoy living in the house, I knew in my gut that I was not really wanting to pick up my life and move, not at this point in time anyways. My husband wanted the move, my son was going to buy our house, and all of my family was happy that the house would stay in the family. How could I back out now?

So I carried on for weeks waking up feeling sick, wishing I could get out of the situation, and yet trying to talk myself into it. Don't get me wrong, there were many pros to the move, but the cons were nagging at me and I could not make peace with them.

Then there was a twist of fate, there were some snags and it looked like my son would not be buying our house. I should have been disappointed, but to my surprise I was relieved. Since plan A was not going to happen, all of my family expected us to go to plan B as we discussed. That would entail us putting our home on the market and then moving forward with the purchase of the other house.

My husband and I went through a week of soul searching, and it was not easy. There was a part of me that was having difficulty letting go of the house, but on the other hand, how could I move forward when I had all of these nagging doubts? I needed to feel 100% good about the move, and I didn't. My husband started to have his doubts, too. We moved too fast and maybe for the wrong reasons.

Last Sunday we had a sit down with our family and broke them the news that we would not be buying the house and we thought it best if it goes on the market. I was so nervous about talking to them, but they were wonderful. No one wanted us to make a move if we were not going to be happy doing so.

So this week, I have been feeling relieved and happy that I am not moving. No more waking up with a stomachache about the situation. When I visit the house and check on the renovations, I am sad that we won't be the ones enjoying the house, but yet I know it my heart that I am making the right decision.