It had been a few weeks since my husband visited his 90 year old mother since she told him to "butt out" of her life. It was very hard for both of us to back off, but he felt he needed some space from her as he was feeling so upset and hurt about how she had been treating him. They were e-mailing a little bit and talked on the phone once, but the incident was never discussed.
I aslo spent a great deal of time on the internet looking for more information about the subject with hopes that I would find a magical solution to the problem.
I discovered a book called Elder Rage -How to Survive Caring For Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. It was a riveting true story that I could not put down. I would read parts of it out loud to my husband and he couldn't wait for me to finish reading it so he could start it. It made us feel not so alone with our concerns (which do go beyond just the driving issue) and gave us some good insight and resources. We were feeling more ready for a face to face with her.
One sibling lives only a couple hours away so he agreed to come down so we could all get together and try to talk to her once again to make her realize the consequences of her behaviors.
We planned how we would approach the subject with just plain love and support and no matter what she said we would not let her push any of our buttons or say anything to her that would be taken as combative. We would stress how this is a time for our family to be connected not torn apart since it has been so hard the past few months since her husband passed away and my cancer treatment.
She was very happy to see us. I know she is very concerned about my health and immediately she wanted to know how my treatments were going and how I was. The night before my husband and I had discussed that it seemed like she was two different women. One the kind and caring mom and the other independent woman who would run over anyone who threatened her independence.
We told her if she didn't believe us about the legal issues than she needed to call her lawyer and find out for herself. She said she was going to.
She excused herself for awhile and there the three of us sat feeling like this had gone better than we ever imagined. I was proud of the my husband and BIL. They did a great job.
In a little while she came back into the room and suggested that we all go out to get some Chinese food. I imagined all kinds of endings to the situation and none of them involved going out to eat! So we did and we had a great dinner and a very pleasant time.
We are making baby steps. She still has a car and could still drive if she felt like it. So we are taking it slow, hoping everything is sinking in and that we can have a weekly schedule for her using the town mini- bus as well as driving her ourselves.
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3 comments:
Sounds like some progress was made, Lena. It must be so difficult for her, too, having to face all of these changes. Thank God she has all of you looking out for her. Don't stress yourself. What will be, will be.
Sounds like you are handling this situation with patience and grace. I almost feel like I need to read that book, even three years later, because Mom was so angry in her last few years and took it out on us. We knew it was her feistiness that kept her going, and yet it was so hard on us and she could be so unreasonable at times.
After my husband's aunt drove into the brick side of a building (she remained seated in the car, wondering what had happened) we eventually had to get her lawyer involved. I hate to think of losing MY driving privileges some day, but she fought like a wildcat for months before we finally had her license revoked.
I followed you here from Val's blog.
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