2011 ended in a family crisis that is going to be the focus of our new year. My 90 year old MIL who was in a serious accident this summer has refused to listen to not only her doctor's recommendation that she no longer drive, but has also ignored the report of an independent driving evaluation which also recommended she not drive. She is determined to "take back her independence" with such fire that she went out and bought herself a new car without telling any of her children.
We believe that the doctor is legally responsible to report her to motor vesicles, but many doctors do not want to be the one to do so preferring to leave it up to the family to reason with their loved one. There is no reasoning with her. At this point she believes her children have "poisoned the minds" of her doctor and the driving evaluators.
Because she is so angry with her children, she has forbidden her doctor to communicate with them about any health issues.(The driving situation falls into this category). Due to privacy laws the doctor must comply and all communications have ceased between the adult children and her doctor. We have no idea what action he has taken if any.
She has told us to butt out of her life. This coming from a woman who needed my husband to move into the house on at least two occasions to take care of her when she has come down with illnesses, and was her caregiver when she was in rehab for one month following her accident.
I find dealing with elder issues so much more difficult than it ever was raising teens. Our hands are tied right now. We are scared out of our minds for her safety and for the safely of the public at large. This situation is causing us undue stress and heartache and it is the last thing we need considering all that we are coping with with my cancer treatments.
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7 comments:
Oh, Lena, I feel so bad for you to have to deal with this on top of everything. Happy New Year to us, right? We are going through a similar situation with an elderly aunt. They were two sisters (my uncle's sister's) who lived together all of their lives, in a house on Long Island, not very close to us. We maintained a long distance relationship with both of them, even after my uncle passed away. Then, this past Dec. one of the sisters died after a long battle with cancer. The one who is left behind is now 93 & has gone downhill so fast. My cousins have tried to take over her health care, arranging for aids to stay with her but she has become abusive. She's accused my cousins of trying to kill her, of bringing strangers into her house, of leaving her penniless. She fights with everyone that she can take care of herself. It's so hard with her being so far away & the cost of live in care is astronomical.
They are sick with worry & no matter what they tell she forgets from one minute to the next. It is an absolute nightmare. More than ever, I wish my mother was here to do some mothering. This time of life is so hard when it's left to us to not only mother our kids but our elders as well. Stay strong & I'll keep you & your husband in my prayers.
Love,
Maria
I am sorry for this huge complication and heartache in your life. I can only imagine. And pray for things to right themselves.
Please be sure to put you and your family first, painful as this may be.
Your dear One has her own HIgher Power. Turn it over turn it over .. for your own health.
Oh, this makes my heart hurt for you and your husband. You have so much to deal with already, and you need every bit of your emotional and physical endurance for that! We were close to this point with my father shortly before he passed. In the last months we were really struggling with the driving issue and it had come to a point that his license would soon be pulled. Living in a small town that spells isolation and he knew it and was fighting it mightily. I am so sorry that mom doesn't understand you are all looking out for her, and for everyone on the road. If she is continuing to drive, and has blocked you from medical information, maybe it is time to look into legal guardianship issues, hard as that may be. Surely your local law enforcement can be enlisted to help with the license issue, since she has failed to pass muster with the both the examiner and her doctor. It is tragic that it has to come down to this. I will be praying for a way to end the stand off peacefully for all concerned.
I am so sorry about this situation. We have to leave now to pick up kids at the airport and I have been busy all week at the homeless shelter, so I just now saw this post. The elderly can get so wrong-headed and stubborn it just makes you ill. I had issues with my mother, as you know, but driving was never one of them. There must be something you can do, but right now, I can't think of anything. Hugs and prayers. That's all I can come up with right now.
Question: does she still have her license?
Thank you all for your comments and support!It really helps to see what you have to say.
Yes,Forsythia, she still has a license as far as we know. It is up to the doctor to report her in our state. But we fear even if her license were to be pulled, it would not matter to her. In every other area she is extremely competent and in charge. We can use the prayers.
I am praying for a miracle of reason.
I'm so sorry about this. It's just crazy. We had the doctor report my father to the MVA. They sent him a letter. I don't remember exactly what it said, but it stopped his driving. It was good for us kids to have someone to blame. He held onto that letter for a very long time.
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