A year later

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with her 2 positive breast cancer. I have had 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 sessions of radiation,  taking a hormone pill,  and have been on Herceptin an I.V. drug almost one year. The last dose should be the end of May. I have been through a lot and I would like to say that although it wasn't easy, it was easier than I thought it would be. I lucked out in some ways as far as not experiencing some of the more intense side effects. 

Now a year later, here I sit one week after surgery for a cancerous tumor in my colon. The tumor was removed, my colon reattached and my lymph nodes biopsied. They found out that I have 2 positive lymph nodes and will require more chemo therapy. I had no idea how many lymph nodes there are. My doctor said there are hundreds of them and to only have 2 positive puts it into perspective, but because the cancer traveled into my nodes at all, means they will have to treat it aggressively. 

I see my oncologist on Friday to find out what the treatment plan will entail. I have no idea if he will also recommend radiation and I have no idea how many rounds of chemo. They did tell me however, that the chemo they use for colon cancer does not  make you lose your hair. I found that to be a comfort, since I just got my hair BACK! I don't know what other side effects I will need to deal with and I am waiting to have the appointment to learn what is in store for me.

I know that everyone feels badly for me. It was not the news that I wanted to hear and the surgeon told me when I was getting ready to leave the hospital last Friday. When she walked in and said, "We have to talk," my heart sank. 

 I learned a great deal about myself last year. I am stronger than I think I am and I have a very supportive circle of family and friends who are standing by my side once again. I can do this. I did it once and I can do it again. I will keep working all the angles; art therapy, counseling, massage, all the things that helped me to cope last year and hopefully I will get through it again and it will the last time! 

A room with a view

I am blogging from my hospital room. Surgery went very well on Monday. My sister gave me a St. Joseph medal in honor of St. Joseph's day on Monday and they let me pin it on my pillow during surgery.

The surgeon said she got all of the tumor and was able to get good margins, too. We are waiting for the pathology report.

My stay in the hospital has been very good, everyone is so kind and efficient and it makes it so much easier to be here. I have a private room because all of the rooms here are private and I have a big window with a great view of the sky and the clouds. very uplifting to see everyday.

I have been doing very well with my recovery. I am up and walking when ever I can and the pain is getting better every day.

I have graduated to clear liquids and am waiting for my tray today. First time I am getting a tray since I have been here. Ice chips were getting old!

Saturday update

 Thank you all for your kind words of support! I so appreciate that you all checked in with me.

I took my leave of absence from work.  Last Friday was my last day for about one month.  I decided to take the week off before my surgery because I so needed some time to myself. It has been way too much this past year.  My co-workers were so sweet and gave me a gift certificate to a local musical theater for a send off gift. It will be a great thing to do when I am feeling better!  People were coming up to me with all kinds of supportive and loving remarks with intentions to pray for me. It was so comforting and I felt so lucky to have so many caring people around me. 

I tried to take some time for myself this week as well as run around to all the doctor appointments I had to keep. I had a massage, Reiki last week, meditated, art therapy, went to a new workshop on SoulCollage (will write more on that later) went to lunch with my husband, shopped with my sister, and napped when ever I could. Tried to get a head of the housework, but gave that up. 

On Monday, March 19, I will be having laprascopic surgery. I am going in around 9:00 A.M. hopefully surgery will be around 10:00 A.M. They will remove the tumor and reattach my colon. I have spoken to 3 people who have had this surgery and they all have done fine. Very encouraging!  I will be in the hospital anywhere from 3- 6 days and recovery time should be 2-3 weeks.

The tumor will go to pathology and we will await the report for the stage. The G.I. doctor said early stage, but there is no mention of the staging on the report. I am most anxious about getting that report to know what the treatment plan will be. I know... one day at a time... that is all I can do ... all I have been doing.

I have been working through my feelings not burying them. I go from sad, mad, scared, and then manage to go about my day and be as happy as possible. Then at some point, it starts all over again.  I ride the waves like I did last time. One foot in front of the other with faith and support is the only way to go forward. 

I had my first mammogram since last year on Thursday. I had 3 dreams that it would be fine and it was. It was nice to have someone come in and give me good news and hug me. I want more good news. 

And so it is.

Deja vu

A couple of weeks ago I was able to go into work without my wig and show off my own newly grown  hair. Some people call it chemo hair, but I don't like that term.  My hair now is kind of curly in the back and very thick and soft on the top.  All of the women at work were so happy to see me with my own hair. They hugged me and some cried because it meant that I was on the upswing, I was getting closer to being well. So many wanted to touch my hair as it just looked so soft.  One friend hugged me and said that she knew only good things would be in store for me now. I was on my way to wellness.

When she said that, I felt anxiety creep up and down my back. I knew I was bleeding and that all my doctors were on high alert and the colonoscopy was scheduled. I wanted to believe what my friend was saying was true, but deep down I think I knew that this was not the end of the road for me and cancer. 

When the doctor called me and told me I had colon cancer, I just wrote it down matter of fact. After the colonoscopy the doctor asked me if I wanted to be called or come in for the news of the biopsy report. I wanted him to call, I wanted the news the fastest way possible. I have been through this before, I knew what it was like.

I didn't even call my husband to come up stairs to be a part of the phone conversation. The doctor called on my cell and my husband never heard the phone ring. 

A few minutes later I was in the bathroom and I hear my husband come up the stairs. I matter of fact shouted out, "colon cancer." "WHAT??" he says. Then I realized how cruel that was. I quickly went to him and told him the doctor had called and what he said. My husband was devastated. He began to hug me so tight that it hurt my scars and my port and I had to tell him  it was too painful. But I wanted to hang on for dear life at the same time.

I knew from my symptoms that something was terribly wrong and expected the bad news. I hoped for good news, but wasn't surprised when it wasn't good.

So the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I could almost post all my blog posts from last year over again, because so much is the same. I am sad, mad, and so scared. I am not even done with the treatment for breast cancer and have my very first mammogram post surgery next week!

I have had people from every faith praying for me. I have done all I could do to heal myself with integrative therapies and what I get is MORE cancer?  It has shaken the foundation of so many of the things I believe in. 

I am still going to be who I am and still do the things I have done because it did make sense to me then, even if I am doubting now.

It is a hard time for me and I have to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this journey. I hope that I can learn the lessons I am supposed to learn so that I can heal this sorrow and this disease that has made a second appearance in my life.

I thank you all for your continued support and prayers and hanging in here with me.

P.S. And my husband is warning people that if they tell me I am an inspiration to them that I will punch them in the face.  It is good advice!