Deja vu

A couple of weeks ago I was able to go into work without my wig and show off my own newly grown  hair. Some people call it chemo hair, but I don't like that term.  My hair now is kind of curly in the back and very thick and soft on the top.  All of the women at work were so happy to see me with my own hair. They hugged me and some cried because it meant that I was on the upswing, I was getting closer to being well. So many wanted to touch my hair as it just looked so soft.  One friend hugged me and said that she knew only good things would be in store for me now. I was on my way to wellness.

When she said that, I felt anxiety creep up and down my back. I knew I was bleeding and that all my doctors were on high alert and the colonoscopy was scheduled. I wanted to believe what my friend was saying was true, but deep down I think I knew that this was not the end of the road for me and cancer. 

When the doctor called me and told me I had colon cancer, I just wrote it down matter of fact. After the colonoscopy the doctor asked me if I wanted to be called or come in for the news of the biopsy report. I wanted him to call, I wanted the news the fastest way possible. I have been through this before, I knew what it was like.

I didn't even call my husband to come up stairs to be a part of the phone conversation. The doctor called on my cell and my husband never heard the phone ring. 

A few minutes later I was in the bathroom and I hear my husband come up the stairs. I matter of fact shouted out, "colon cancer." "WHAT??" he says. Then I realized how cruel that was. I quickly went to him and told him the doctor had called and what he said. My husband was devastated. He began to hug me so tight that it hurt my scars and my port and I had to tell him  it was too painful. But I wanted to hang on for dear life at the same time.

I knew from my symptoms that something was terribly wrong and expected the bad news. I hoped for good news, but wasn't surprised when it wasn't good.

So the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I could almost post all my blog posts from last year over again, because so much is the same. I am sad, mad, and so scared. I am not even done with the treatment for breast cancer and have my very first mammogram post surgery next week!

I have had people from every faith praying for me. I have done all I could do to heal myself with integrative therapies and what I get is MORE cancer?  It has shaken the foundation of so many of the things I believe in. 

I am still going to be who I am and still do the things I have done because it did make sense to me then, even if I am doubting now.

It is a hard time for me and I have to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this journey. I hope that I can learn the lessons I am supposed to learn so that I can heal this sorrow and this disease that has made a second appearance in my life.

I thank you all for your continued support and prayers and hanging in here with me.

P.S. And my husband is warning people that if they tell me I am an inspiration to them that I will punch them in the face.  It is good advice!