Back again

I miss my blogging friends. I have become addicted to Facebook and Twitter and it steals all of my time. The only blogs I usually read now are by bloggers who have turned their blogs into public platforms and have become their job. I miss the day to day lives of ordinary people. Although none of my blogger friends are just "ordinary"!

I have been in kind of a funk of late, not sure which direction to go, or able to make commitments to my well being stick. It makes me grumpy and restless. 

I can talk a good talk, but walking the walk? Not so good lately! 

I see a naturopath, go for Reiki, swim, and other things to stay on track. 

The writing and healing group I ran at the hospital has not been getting people interested so I have not done that for about 6 months. I miss it so and need to try to take it to another venue. 

I am 6 years out from the breast cancer and 5 from the colon cancer. It is amazing to me to think that so much time has passed. I have developed a post- cancer anxiety, a sort of post traumatic stress behavior that makes my life so complicated. I have become a germaphobe and my worry is that other people will catch a disease from me. And of course that is on top of the more normal anxiety of a cancer occurrence. There, I wrote it out. It is driving me crazy and  sometimes gets out of control. The  anxiety definitely comes out more around my grandchildren and it makes my adult children annoyed. I can't help myself.  I am working on it with my doctor and hope that in time things will calm down. But for now, my nervous system is on high alert all of the time and  it is extremely difficult to calm it down once it escalates. 

My hope is to get back to things that I enjoy doing that I have let fade away, and blogging will be one of them.  The things going on in this country right now under the current administration are getting to me as well. My addiction to the news on TV or Facebook isn't healthy or helping me feel at peace so I am working on curtailing time focused on all the negative. I realize it is important to be informed and take action and I will do so, but lessen my exposure to the  news and limit the conversations which at times gets my nervous system revved up! 

To writing

I am working on some of my posts and making them into some longer and more thoughtful articles and sending them off to see if by chance I could possibly get something published. I sent one in that was due the beginning of November and have not heard a word. They didn't even send an email to say they received the submission, so the other day I wrote and asked if they had received it and no response. I know they probably get a great deal of articles to read, but it would be nice to know that it ended up where it was supposed to go. All I can do is wait, and see if I ever hear back for now. 

I enjoyed writing the article immensely. I would keep my computer set up and every time I had some spare minutes I would sit down and write some. I needed to make the post 2500 words or more so it took time to think about how I wanted to expand the post. I just kept at it, not sure if I could ever reach the word count, but I actually went over it!  It was a good mental exercise  for me and I felt so productive and also grounded. I felt lost when I was done, but then the holidays happened and there was less free time and I lost my focus. I am starting to get back into my writing frame of mind and hopefully I plan to begin to edit the story I wrote at the writing retreat this spring and find a place to send that one off to. 

The past two days were spent taking my mother to the doctors because she has had a bad infection and needed to go in for anti-biotic shots on top of the oral antibiotics. After taking her to the doctor it is going to the pharmacy to get her prescription and then since it is in the grocery store, I need to get her groceries. It has been so cold here and running errands in this weather made me feel chilled to the bone even as over dressed as I was! 

We do so much with our elders. We are lucky to have them still, and they are lucky to have us to depend on. I have siblings so we take turns, but we all have such busy schedules, sometimes one of us ends up "on duty" two days in a row. 

Tomorrow we have our grandson here, so that will be another busy day, but most of my writing happens when he goes down for a nap!  

We are the sandwich generation. We tend to our elders and our little. And I would not have it any other way! 

Happy 2015

I have neglected this blog for so long, and I have missed writing here and also visiting my favorite blogs. I hope to get back to it because it is something I do enjoy and I miss hearing about everyone!

We spent the end of Sept. until Thanksgiving in a state of crisis mode. My 93 year old mother-in-law was hospitalized with an infection that was completely treatable, but then morphed into a series of life-threatening situations. It was so awful as far as the worry about her health and her spirits, endless trips to the hospital, constant phone calls from the hospital with often serious on the spot life or death decisions to make. And on top of all that, trying to get the day to day living tasks done. 

It is all a very long story and mostly unbelievable. After so many brushes with death and all of us prepared to let her go, she survived and is now living in an independent assisted living facility. It all feels like a bit of a dream that it ever happened, but now life is settling down some and it feels so much better all around.

To this I say, age is a factor in when serious health issues arise, but really, it is the human spirit that prevails. 

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve. I had my children and their wives here along with our first grandchild. My 89 year old mom, my 86 year old aunt, and my sisters and their families were also here to celebrate with us. My grandson in 11 months old now and crawling all over the place. He lights up a room with his charming smile and laid back personality. He was in the center of everything and we all felt so connected to him and to one another. 

Usually my sister does Christmas Eve, so it was a new tradition for us to host it here. I am hopeful that we will keep this arrangement for years to come as it worked out so well. 

Christmas day was much quieter, with my husband and I, brother-in-law, and niece, having dinner at the assisted living place with my mother-in-law. We had a delicious pork roast dinner and we were even allowed to bring a bottle of wine to the table. I was enjoyable not to be the one doing the cooking and no clean up was so nice! My mother-in-law was very pleased. After dinner we went back to her room to shower her with Christmas gifts.

New Year's Eve was spent in the movie theater watching, WILD with Reese Witherspoon. I had read the book and loved it. Cheryl Strayed is an absolutely fantastic writer. She melts my heart over and over again. I was reluctant to see the film because I didn't see how they could do it justice! But I was wrong. They did a descent job! I am glad I read the book first though, because I am not sure I would have been able to follow all of the flashbacks! 

So I wish you all a very Happy New Year filled with love and light! 

Strike a Pose

When I was a kid I always closed my eyes when ever someone took a picture of me. I guess the flash bothered me and I just didn't understand how to keep my eyes open when the flash went off. My mother was always complaining that there were no good  pictures of me either my eyes were closed or I was squinting. It was embarrassing to be the one who always ruined the pictures. No matter how hard I tried, I took a terrible picture, and so many times with my eyes wide shut. So I learned to try to stay out of the picture so I would not ruin it for everyone. 

It is sad to me when I look back at photos of me. There are not very many that came out nice even from my wedding day. My graduation picture stinks, too. I just did not know how to strike a pose, even if my eyes by chance stayed open. 

I did marketing in my last job and one task I had was to write the newsletter for the business. This involved taking pictures of staff to go with the articles. No one wanted to have their photos taken. No.One. When they saw me coming with the camera they wanted to run for the hills. Since I hated having my picture taken I was very sensitive to others who feared the camera so I did my best to work with people and make it as much of a  pleasant experience for them as I could. That meant that I took multiple shots and always, always, allowed them to make the final decision. It was worth the time to keep people happy and have them realize they could trust me. 

So as I photographed people I noticed that they all seemed to have a pose and a smile reserved just for the camera. I never had that. They were all so worried about how their picture would look, but mostly they were very photogenic and took great pictures. I never came across anyone like myself who still late in life did not know how to pose and smile for a picture. 

Last week, I needed to send a photo to the hospital for an article about the support group. The good news was that I did not have to go in and have them do it. My husband (a professional photographer of seas- capes and landscapes)  said he would do it for me and we could just e-mail it in. 

So I did my hair and make-up and went outside with my husband and we did a photo shoot. I love digital. Just shoot and shoot and delete and delete all the crappy ones. And delete we did. I finally found a couple of pictures that I could live with and I had my eyes open on both of them. No fake smile. I think I finally learned how to smile for a picture, I learned what side is better for me, and I learned I enjoyed the shoot. 

I sent one picture in to the hospital and I got a note back that it was "a lovely" picture. I changed my profile picture on FB and got about 60 likes on it. The most likes I have ever received for ANY picture I have posted.

I am not posting this to brag and I hope people do not think I am being full of myself.  This was such a major shift for me because I felt so small and ashamed that I did not know how to pose for a picture all of these years.  I am starting to get it. I am starting to have confidence and maybe that is all I needed to keep my eyes open, stand tall, and strike a pose! 

Where's the Rainbow?

When I was younger my mother and my older sister loved Barbara Streisand's music and I heard it at home all of the time. It wasn't long until it became my favorite music as well. I would go into my older sister's bedroom in the afternoon and we would put on album after album and listen. We would shut off the lights and she would lie on her bed all curled up and I would be on the floor right next to the stereo to be close at hand to change the records.

Barbra's music brought me far away into a world where I was the one singing my heart out on the stage and in the limelight, because in real life, I never really had a place to shine. I loved those songs, the old ones mind you, like the very first album,  the second and then the third album and the ever popular People album. Those are the songs that take me back to my childhood and make me feel safe and even a little powerful for some reason. 

When I was diagnosed with my colon cancer (right in the middle of dealing with the breast cancer), there was one song that kept popping into my head from that era and I could not get it out of my head! 

Here are the lyrics:

                                               "Where's That Rainbow"

Troubles really are bubbles they say
And I'm bubbling over today
Spring brings roses to people you see
But it brings hay fever to me
My luck will vary surely
That's purely a curse
My luck has changed,
Yes, it's gotten from rotten to worse

Where's that rainbow they hear about?
Where's that lining they cheer about?
Where's that love nest,
Where love is king ever after?

Where's that blue room they sing about?
Where's that sunshine they fling about?
I know morning will come,
But pardon my laugher!

In each scenario
You can depend on the end
Where the lovers agree.
Where's that Lothario?
Where does he roam, with his dome
Vaselined as can be?

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.

In each scenario
You can depend on the end
Where the lovers agree.
Where's that Lothario?
Where does he roam, with his dome
Vaselined as can be?

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.

Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody but me.

It was that last verse that was playing around and around in my head constantly. 

Oh, it is easy to see all right

Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody but me.
Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody but me.

I KNEW the negativity of the song was not good for me, not a healing thought, yet I could not get the song out of my head and it was making me so stressed out as it was such a downer. Yet, it was in my head since I was a kid and not easy to erase! 

Sooooo...... I decided I had to make the song work for me since it seemed to be sticking with me. I realized all I had to do was change ONE word. Yes, ONE word changed from that last verse made all the difference in the world. 

So now that one little verse became my anthem! It uplifted me as I sang it every morning in the shower even on the most grueling days. It went like this:

Oh, it is easy to see all right
Ev'rything's gonna be all right
Be just dandy for ev'rybody AND  me.

Oh, yeah, I see that rainbow
For everybody AND me.

Turning a negative into a positive can change your whole perspective! Now I was no longer afraid of the lyrics.  

The song inspired me to keep going.

Green Light

I got the green light from the hospital and the support group is a GO! They are sending the info to the marketing department to make up the fliers. Then they plan to interview me in the patient corner of the hospital newsletter to get the word out that we are starting up the group. I am really excited about doing this and can not wait to get people together and start! 

Once I get it going and get into the flow of things, I will be taking the proposal to other places and try to build up my hours. Really, there are no jobs out there for me, so I needed to create one and I did it!!  This has been such a good experience for me in trusting my instincts and my inner voice. 

Reinventing

Summer. It has finally arrived. I am still home working on finding employment and reinventing myself. It is a daunting job, but I am finding it an adventure on many levels. 

I approached our local hospital about running a support group on writing and healing for cancer survivors now that I have the curriculum. I received a positive and encouraging response and was asked to write up a proposal and send a resume. So I took care of that last week and here I sit waiting to hear if it will be accepted. Now that I have a proposal  written I am thinking about other places I can send it. I have connections at the local hospital so that was a good place to start, but I want to expand and take this curriculum to other circles including but not limited to cancer survivors. 

A year ago I never would have thought I would be have something solid to present to potential employers. It is more than a job to me though. I wanted to find  something to do that would give me a greater purpose in my life and I am beyond grateful that I was led to it. It is possible to follow your inner guide and find your purpose.  I was trying to do so before I became ill but I think I was so caught up with my job and my day to day business that I was not taking the time to really listen and follow my instincts. Had I been working I never would have been available to go to the Woman's Forum. It was at the forum that my whole world shifted. 

A friend of mine is big into the Law of Attraction. She says that when you stay in positive energy and you find that life begins to flow more easily you are in the vortex. Life's little annoyances suddenly disappear and you find that the little things like finding a parking space, no lines at the registers, perfect weather for an event when it was pouring a couple of hours  beforehand. Life seems to feel magical when you are in the vortex in small but meaningful ways. Lately we have been experiencing life in the vortex. So that I would not forget all those little things, I made a list of them that I am going to share right now.

My husband had a big photo shoot in Maine. It rained all the way up there and we thought he would miss the opportunity for the shoot. Friday was the only day that worked for him and for the organization. The weather cleared up perfectly as we arrived and he was able to spend 2 hours taking gorgeous pictures for them. The sun came out and the light was nothing more than perfect at the exact time he needed it to be. 

Sending the email to the cancer coordinator at the hospital about the writing and healing group I wanted to start and knowing in my heart that I would get a yes and hear that day. An hour later I heard back and got the green light. I offered to volunteer, she offered to give me a stipend. 

We were in a craft store in New Hampshire looking for a gift for a friend. My husband found a tile he thought would be good for her. It was beautiful and unique, but it wasn't quite right. He didn't think we should pass it up because he knew she would like it.   But I had in my mind how I would have crafted it and next to my vision I did not like it enough to purchase it. On the way back from Maine he said we should stop back at the store and buy it since we hadn't found anything else to get her. I still didn't want to buy it, but we decided to  stop anyway and maybe, just maybe, they got more in since we were there (4 days prior). So we went and to my surprise they had gotten another shipment in and there was one that was  was EXACTLY what I had envisioned and I LOVED it! I bought it and my friend LOVED it as well. 

Thinking about materials I wanted to use at art therapy and knowing we would not be using them that night. I was thinking of asking my therapist if I could take them home as I had something in my mind I wanted to do in my art journal. I got to class early and the materials I wanted were on the table. My therapist said, "I don't know why I put those out we aren't using them tonight." I said, "oh, just what I wanted to use." So I used them right then and there and completed my project before we even started class. 

I know. These are SMALL things. But really isn't the day made up of a series of small experiences? When they flow it makes the day feel so good. When we hit the wall even with something small, it impacts our mood and the schedule for the day and our stress levels! 

I have been working so hard on my thinking. Changing my thinking has been changing my life is small ways as well as bigger ways. Living in the vortex isn't as hard as I thought it was a few years ago, but it takes work every day even when things are not going along as we planned. 

Reinvent your thinking and reinvent your life. That is my motto these days. 

Prompt

I went to a writing workshop today and we were given a prompt to write on. I never had the chance to share it with the group so I thought I would post it here.

Prompt:
Something that was lost

Response:

As I wrote the prompt down that Patty gave us in the group my eyes immediately filled up with tears. What were those tears all about? Loss. The first thing that came to mind was loss of innocence. So what does that really mean? Innocence is lost over and over again at all different stages of life. Is it something that we really need or want to find again?

Something that was lost. Is anything really ever lost? Don't we have everything that is important to us in our heart and soul? The cells of my parents and grandparents are alive in my body even though some of them have passed on. They are with me every. single.day They are all not lost to me.

I lost my health for awhile, but it was found and I am thriving once again.

What is lost can always be found. Lost opportunities, lost time, and lost treasures, if they were meant to be they will come around again. Spirit will guide them back to us.

Everything we need we already have. We are all a little like Dorothy sometimes, believing we are lost in OZ, when right along we have had everything we needed to get back home to our hearts and our purpose.

Writing as Healing

A couple of weeks ago my husband showed me an advertisement in our local community college bulletin. They were sponsoring a women's forum called, Writing, The Arts, and Healing. He said when he opened the flier the information just popped out at him and he knew it was something meant for me. I was very intrigued. To top it off, it was a FREE all day forum with guest speakers and a break- out group in the afternoon. Breakfast AND lunch included! I registered immediately and I just had a feeling I was meant to be there. 

I have been going to an art therapy class since my cancer diagnosis and have learned so much from the experience. I had read articles about using writing as a healing technique with cancer patients as well, but had no idea where to find such a program. I already knew how therapeutic writing was for me when I was ill because I blogged all about my experiences. I am so glad I did because when I go back and read the posts, I am amazed about what I went through.   I have been dreaming about doing more writing, maybe expanding some of my blog posts and seeing what I could do with them. As I said, dreaming, as I have been so distracted with  many other things lately. Upper most on my list has been finding a job. I have been job searching for a while now. I have work restrictions due to my disabilities from the cancer experience and I have been very discouraged with the job offerings. There are not many jobs for a 60 year old woman with work restrictions. Well, if there are, I have not found any yet. 

So needless to say this forum was something that I looked forward to and it did not disappoint! I had the best day I have had in a long time as far as being inspired and being out networking with other women. 

The morning speakers Beverly Donofrio, author of Riding in Cars with Boys,  and Charles Barber, author of The Life you Save Could Be Your Own: The Benefit of Narrative) talked about memoir writing and gave some insightful information. I enjoyed listening to both speakers and often had tears and chills from their talk. Everything they said was resonating with me and I knew I was there for a reason. All of this was my passion, but it was something that I never had any confidence in and did not know how to go about it. Or maybe I did and just held back, afraid to try, afraid to expose myself, afraid to find out who I really am. 

After lunch we had the break- out sessions and I chose to go to Writing as a Tool for Healing given by one of the college's English professors. She worked for a while at a women's prison and used writing with the inmates to help them tell their stories to heal. Later, she worked with Wally Lamb and they produced a book with the stories written by the prisoners called, Couldn't Keep It To Myself.

It was a great session and I will write more about that in my next post. When I left the forum that day I was on an emotional high. I felt like I found "my people."  I knew what I wanted to do with my life to feel productive and to have a focus. I wanted to run support groups using writing as healing techniques. I knew I had to follow though and figure out how to make this happen. It was my calling. I felt it in my soul. 

I have been doing research on the internet trying to find training programs to figure out how to go about this and if I needed to have some type of certificate. I found a guide book for cancer survivors that teaches how to run a support group. I wrote to the author and she said she would help me if I had any questions once I read the book. She puts on workshops as well, but does not have any scheduled for awhile. She said the book was written to be used by lay people and it would be perfectly fine for me to do them on my own before going to the training. I also have a Masters Degree in Holistic Thinking which I think would be accepted as go around to hospitals, etc. trying to get this off of the ground. 

 I know this will take some work, time, and patience. I am up for the challenge and I am so excited to have a goal to work towards and be able to help other people as well. 

And I am happy...feeling like a room without a roof! 

To do list

I had to bring my 88 year old mom to the ER on Wednesday evening. She had been sick for 3 days and needed to be admitted for fluids. When we arrived there around 11:30PM we were told that there was a 5 hour wait to be seen. 5 hours!! We made the best of it, and only waited 31/2 hours in the waiting room and another hour in the room until she saw a doctor. It was a very long night.

I had my annual mammogram the next morning. I had been very concerned about it because last time they had so many problems getting the images that the needed 3 different tech people to try and then I  was told I needed a biopsy. Fortunately that was benign!

So I stayed up all night with my mom while she had her tests and they took care of her, and then left at 8:00 AM to travel back to my town to my hospital a half hour away to have the mammogram. This time I had a much more skilled tech who took the images very quickly and all was well!! Soon I was out of there and on my way home to get some sleep after being up for more than 24 hours. 

It was also the first day of spring. It was beautiful out. I was so happy with my mammogram and that it was spring, finally!  I felt funny feeling so happy because my mom was admitted to the hospital and feeling so bad. It was one of those times where I was feeling 2 emotions that were opposite and valid.  Happy for me, sad for her.  I just made sure not to skimp on the happy feeling because I earned feeling so great! 

Later that evening I was looking at a new magnetic board on the refrigerator. My husband bought it to use for chore lists and reminders of things we need to do. 

I was in a very thoughtful mood that day and decided to write up a to do list that would be meaningful and inspirational  to us day to day on a very deep level. 

So here is what I came up with:

1. Celebrate spring.

2. Be grateful.

3. Laugh when we can.

4. Cry when we feel like it.

5. Cuddle with our grandson every chance we get.

6.  Be present to enjoy the good times.

7. Forgive ourselves again and again and again.

8. Love. Let it always win. 

I read it at my art therapy group and people cried along with me as I read it out loud. 

I thought some of you might enjoy it as well! 

Happy spring! 

Content

A couple of weeks ago, we became grandparents to a beautiful baby boy. I still can't quite believe he is here. When I open my Facebook and see his picture as I am scrolling I think, OMG there he is. He wasn't here before and now he is and he is a part of me! It is just an amazing feeling that so many know so well. Everyone told me I would love being a grandmother and yes, I do.

When we were over my son's house and I was sitting next to him waiting for my turn to hold the baby, he whispered in my ear, " I am glad you came through everything and that you are here for this." I had been thinking about that as well. So glad that I had survived my two bouts of cancer and I was alive and well to hold my grandson. Grandchildren were my motivation for living, and my dream has started to come true as I expect to be around for more grandchildren!

I will see if I get permission from my son to post baby pics on the blog.

We are in the middle of a big snow storm like so many others on the east coast today. I never mind a day in the house catching up on things with a nice big pot of chicken soup on the stove.

Catching up

Thank you Josie for giving me a little nudge to post. It makes me sad to think that I neglected my blog, because I really love blogging and keeping up with all of you. 

2013 has been a great year on all levels. I turned 60, we celebrated my younger son's wedding, and my older son and his wife are expecting a baby the end of January. Big milestones and I am so grateful that I am here to celebrate them all. I threw a bridal shower in August, we had the wedding in October, and I threw my other daughter in law a baby shower in November! 

In September I went to my first cancer survivor day at the hospital. I was on the fence about going, but decided to go and see what it was all about. I wondered if I would see any of the oncology nurses who took care of me, especially my favorite one, Mary.

We arrived at the tent and right away I ran into Mary who came over and hugged my husband and I. She said she was very happy when she saw my name on the list of attendees. I had seen Mary in August when I went in for my follow up. She came out to the waiting room to say hello and I caught her up with all my family news. She cried when I told her about all the milestones we were experiencing in the family. We hugged and cried that day and she was so happy that my life was moving forward. It was a warm and fuzzy interaction.

Little did I know that Mary was the mistress of ceremony for the event. All of the oncology and radiology staff was in attendance and they were waiting on all of the cancer survivors by serving us a free lunch. All 200+ of us! 

Once lunch was over, our attention was turned toward the stage and Mary took the microphone. She made the typical thank yous to those who helped organize and contributed to the cause then began to speak about her job as an oncology nurse. She talked about how rewarding it was to see the patients who make it and started to tell a story about one particular patient. 

Well, it turns out that she was telling MY STORY. She did not use my name, but everyone at my table knew she was talking about me as they were my art therapy friends and they knew my history.  When we realized it was my story, my husband and I grabbed hands and looked into each others' eyes and started to cry. My body started to shake. It was a surreal feeling to hear my story as I sat under this huge tent with a couple hundred people. When Mary talked about my colon cancer diagnosis on top of the breast cancer diagnosis, everyone gasped and groaned. It was chilling for me and my body shook harder. Mary continued my story and ended her talk with the day I came in for my follow-up and how I was now cancer-free, just celebrated a milestone birthday and was anticipating the wedding of my son and the upcoming birth of my grand-child. The whole tent erupted into a thunderous applause. I was filled with chills and still shaking. 

I did not stop shaking until the next day. It was almost more traumatic to hear my story than it was to live it! 

Two weeks later I needed to go to a 6 month follow up mammogram. I was a nervous wreck because I knew they saw some calcification and made me come back because sometimes calcification can turn cancerous. There was some change in the 6 months so they scheduled me for a biopsy. This is not the way I wanted the visit to go. It was 3 WEEKS before the wedding, I did not have time to have cancer again. I had a wedding to go to and a grandchild on the way. I was crying and crying and crying. The technicians felt so badly for me. They tried to encourage me that I had a 50/50 change of it being benign, but with my history I could not even fathom that I had a chance. I begged them to not torture me waiting for results and they promised they would get them to me in a couple of days after the procedure.

I left radiology and went right down to find the oncology social worker. I knew I needed support and I needed it right away! I called my husband and told him the situation and told him I was not coming home until I saw the social worker. 

I found the social worker and to my surprise (but I should have known) my husband drove right over to the hospital and joined me with the social worker. She gave me some helpful breathing techniques, to calm me down so I could drive home. Then she left me and my husband alone. I kept crying that I was not lucky and I was so afraid I had cancer again. It was then my husband said to me words that changed my mood in an instant. He said, " You are still alive, YOU ARE LUCKY!" That changed everything. 

Luckily, my biopsy was benign this time. I was thrilled. beyond. words.

A faith experience

It is exciting to be expecting our first grandchild and this week we found out that it is a boy. A grandson. It makes the experience so real to find out the gender of the child and I would have cried either way! 

I have a little story to share that happened back in May when we were hoping that a grandchild would be in our future. 

 My husband and I were out to dinner for our anniversary in our home town and on the way home I had an urge to stop at my old church and light a candle for my daughter in law. We were hoping that we would be getting some good news soon as we knew my son and his wife were wanting to start a family. My hometown church is the only church I knew of in our immediate area that still has real candles to light. 

As we were drivng over to the church, my husband wondered out loud if the church would even be open as it was now about 7:30 P.M. and most churches lock their doors these days when evening is falling. We decided to try anyway. We drove into the parking lot and noticed there were no other cars around. 

We went up to the doors and they were unlocked! As we walked inside the church we heard singing filling up the church and I assumed that choir practice was going on. I went to the left to the back of the church under the choir loft where all the candles are set up and my husband went right and walked into the main part of the church. I found an unlit 5 day candle and lit it then walked over to the kneeler to say a prayer.

While I was kneeling there praying, I was thinking to myself that I was so glad I was at the church on choir practice night. The singing was just beautiful and I was getting the chills from it. As I began to listen more closely, I thought that it wasn't really singing I was hearing, but more like a chanting. It certainly wasn't anything I recognized and nothing I have ever heard in a Catholic church before. I became very still and listened and  felt something like an electrical charge go through me. It is very hard to put into words, but it started in my chest, not a pain or anything, just a feeling. In that moment I thought that maybe the choir chanting was a sign that something good was going to happen. 

I was excited now and I stood up and my husband came over to me. I mentioned the chanting and he said that he thought it sounded like a Gregorian chant. "I am so glad we came on choir practice night, I think this chanting is a sign." I exclaimed to him.

Then very seriously my husband looked at me and said, "Lena, there is NO ONE in the choir loft. Look, it is dark and empty."  He continued on, " I even went up to the speakers at the front of the church and put my hand to them. NO SOUND is coming out. I put my EAR to them. Nothing is coming out of those speakers." 

In that moment, I KNEW this was all a sign that my daughter in law was pregnant and I was so excited! We tried to think of where the chanting could be coming from but there was no explanation. The sound was filling up the entire sanctuary and NO ONE was there but me and my husband. 

The very next day, my son called us to tell us that they were expecting a child! We were very thrilled to say the least, but told my son that we knew the night before. 

The Path of Life Sculpture Garden

A few weeks ago my husband and I took a few days and went up to Vermont to stay at my sisters house. One day we drove up to Windsor, Vermont to visit the Path of Life Sculpture Garden.http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g57474-d625265-Reviews-Great_River_Outfitters_The_Path_of_Life_Garden-Windsor_Vermont.html.

The adventure begins as you walk through the tunnel of oblivion, the darkness representing the beginning of life. From there one proceeds to the right and finds a small stone emerging from a shallow swale signifying birth.

The path takes you through so many stages of life such as the Hill of Learning, Tree of Wisdom, Hope, Creativity, Union. Family, Community, Solitude,Ambition, Sorrow, Forgiveness, Joy, Respite Contemplation Death, Rebirth, and finally to the Gateway to Eternity.

Here are some photos:

Creativity

Union

Sorrow

 

 

Contemplation 

When I got to the Garden of Contemplation I was in awe of this life size statue of the Buddha. I stood for a while and looked at all of the offerings people had left there. Crucifixes, beads, bells, coins, feathers, rocks, postcards, etc. I realized I only had my phone, my ipad and my keys. I had left my purse in the car and I had no money or anything personal on me to leave as an offering. I was disappointed. I just stepped back to take a photo and when I opened my ipad case I noticed I had an old appointment card from my surgeon tucked under the strap of my ipad. I could not believe my eyes. I took it out and called to my husband, "look what I have!" His eyes immediately filled up with tears when he saw me holding that appointment card. We both knew it was meant to be left here. I kissed the card good-bye and tucked it under a beach rock.

It was a very moving experience for me. I had that appointment card tucked into my ipad for months. I should have thrown it out, but never did.

Now I know why.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

After I wrote yesterday's post we took off for the day. I was walking past a bookstore and saw this sign in the window. I stopped and read it over and over. The universe really wants me to get this message I guess, so of course I had to go in and buy it. When I get home, I will find just the right spot for it and read it.

 Every. Single. Day. 

Love is all you need

We are on our annual vacation to Cape Cod. The first few days were just stinking hot. The sweat just poured off of us while we all scrambled to be the one to sit in front of the fans. But it has cooled down some and that makes it so much nicer.

My younger son and his fiance came for a few days to spend some time here and it was great to have them with us. We have been to the beach to watch the suns sets and spent a couple of days  in Provence Town. I will always love it there as it is just so unpretentious or totally pretentious as my husband pointed out to me.

The big news in my family is that my son and daughter -in-law are expecting a baby! We are becoming grandparents for the first time. Needless to say, we are over the moon excited! A wedding in October and a baby in January, so many happy things to look forward to and I am just filled with joy and also some stress. Good stress.

I am continuing to work on my new "lifestyle". Organic meats ( or at the very least beef and chicken, eggs and milk that are hormone and antibiotic free). limited dairy, and avoiding white flour and sugar.  It is harder to do it on vacation, but I am doing the best I can up here and not worrying about it. I think in the past for me vacation was a license to eat out and eating became the prime focus of the week. 

I have been reading so much about preventing cancer and anti cancer foods and spices and supplements, etc. I am taking a whole new regimen of vitamins and supplements under the care of my naturopathic doctor. I think I am starting to see some improvements. I continue to meditate when I remember, go to the pool for exercise etc. I was also reading an article written by Dr. Christine  Northrup and she agreed that all of the above things are very important, but if all the changes are motivated by fear, then they do no help you to achieve good health.

The one  most important practice Dr. Northrup recommends is looking in the mirror and saying,"I love you, I really love you." And by day 21 she says she would look to see your inner self gazing back at you through those eyes and then she  would do what your mirror image tells you to do.

Sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Happy Birthday to me!

On Monday, July 1, I will turn 60 years old. A milestone, a new decade, and a new improved me ( I am working on it.) Last Sunday my husband threw me a surprise birthday a little early to throw me off. I was suspicious, but never the less, surprised when I walked in and realized it was a party for me and he invited ALL my family and friends. We had about 55 people at a local restaurant for brunch. It was quite wonderful. When I walked in and everyone yelled surprise I had to brace myself to let myself feel all of the love. I stood next to my husband and scanned the crowd. So many smiling and happy faces all gathered there for ME! It was quite a moment and I think I may have left my body  for a  minute or two and then floated back and leaned against my husband's shoulder and cried.  

I have no complaints about getting older as I will be grateful to celebrate many, many, more, birthdays.

When people ask me what I am doing with myself while I am still on medical leave, I tell them that I am the CEO of me! It usually makes people laugh and I feel better for still not working. I know that I am on the right track though since I started to see a naturopath. She did a complete series of blood tests and found I was so depleted of many vitamins and minerals from all the chemo. No wonder I have been feeling so low energy and low motivation and just blah!  So I am on a new regime of vitamins and supplements and weekly acupuncture appointments. Our goal is to get me back to the working world by the fall. I do see some improvements in my symptoms, but most of all I am feeling so hopeful. The hope fills me up and helps me to stay motivated to do what I need to do. 

Meditation

Many ,many years ago when I first went to a energy healer she asked me to pick a number. I think I picked the number six. She told me that no matter what happens and if I were never to see her again that I should meditate six minutes everyday and it would be life changing. So I went home and tried to meditate my six minutes a day every day. 

I quickly found that I did not enjoy meditating. I would sit with my eyes closed peeking at the clock to see if the six minutes (which almost felt like six hours) were up. I could not quiet my mind and I was just about jumping out of my seat. It was supposed to be a peaceful experience, but it felt like torture to me. This practice did not fit my impulsive and instant gratification kind of  personality. I was never good at hanging in there with anything new and developing a practice that in the end would benefit me; instead I ditched it. 

Over the years I made some feeble attempts to meditate again, but par for the course it never seemed to stick. Thirty years later when I visited the very same energy healer after my first cancer diagnosis she encouraged me to use meditation as a tool to cope with the chemotherapy treatments and the stress of dealing with a life threatening illness. Now that I had hit rock bottom  healthwise, I was a somewhat motivated to give it another try. It did help me during those first months of treatment and I had some wonderful experiences, but true to form  my motivation level dropped again. 

Since I have been home recovering and trying to get my health and energy back I have been reading more and more about how important meditation is for the people recovering from cancer. Marianne Williamson considers it the absolute number one most important thing one can do to regain health as meditation connects us to spirit and self healing agents.  So with yet another big endorsement regarding meditation, I have been trying to incorporate it into my day on a regular basis. I still struggle with being antsy and still forget to make time for it, but I can say I am working hard at fitting it into my day to day activities. Mostly I put in the time and feel good that I can cross it off of my list for the day. Every so often I have a great meditation time. Today was one of those days.

Before I sat down to meditate today I had been looking for a yellow piece of paper that I had written an important appointment on. I looked in the two places I thought it could be, but it was not to be found. I was not worried about it per say because I was just planning on calling and getting the appointment confirmed. But it does bother me when I can't keep track of my things and since chemotherapy, it seems I am more distracted than ever! 

I  did a few more  household chores before I sat down to meditate not at all consciously thinking about my lost paper. During my meditation all of a sudden I had a vision of my paper hanging on the refrigerator and I heard my voice inside my head say; yes, it is on the refrigerator, just where I put it yesterday.

I realized in that very moment that I was deep in mediation and I started to pull myself out of that state and  open my eyes. As I came to (so to speak) I realized that I didn't really remember putting that paper on the refrigerator in my conscious mind and wondered if it was actually there. Maybe I dozed off and I was dreaming?  So I went right to the kitchen and there it was hanging on a magnet on the fridge.

I know this is not a big experience but I learned something big. The voice I heard was my inner voice, not an inner dialogue of chatter. It was the voice I need to be listening to, but I have not been able to distinguish between the two voices for so many years. 

Just the experience I needed to keep me going. 

Here I am!

I have been locked out of my blog for weeks! My password was not working and when I tried to change the password, I was not able to. I called my son the IT expert to come over and he fooled with it for a very long time and we still could not get in. He sent an email to the help department and we never heard back. Tonight, just for the heck of it I tried to get on and all systems were go! I am just amazed. It's like reuniting with an old friend.

It feels like a little miracle! 

I am doing well on many levels even though I have a long way to go to get to where I used to be. One foot in front of the other is my motto! 

As I stated in my last post, I wanted to make an appointment to see a naturopathic doctor. I took a long time before I made the appointment because I was not sure where to go. I had to make a visit to my eye doctor for a cyst growing on my eye lid and he recommended the doctor that he goes to. The practice is just 10 minutes away from my house and I didn't even know it was there! I was so grateful to find one recommended by someone I trust so much. My eye doctor said he was skeptical about natural medicine considering his medical training,but he had come up against some scary symptoms with his own health and after going from doctor to doctor with no results he decided to give it a try. His symptoms have disappeared and he was feeling and looking fantastic! 

I have had two visits so far and I am now taking some new vitamin and supplements and making changes in how I shop for food and what I shop for. It is a complete overhaul from how I have operated in the past and it would be so overwhelming to me if I thought I had to do everything all at once. I don't. I just need to take baby steps and make changes one at a time. 

I have been doing an incredible amount of research on organic foods and meats that are hormone and antibiotic free and doing lots of comparison shopping. I have also been throwing away all my old make up and lotions and sunscreens and buying more natural products. 

I am late to the game with these changes in many ways considering if I had been more conscious of how food and environmental pollutants affected my health, I may not have become so ill. But I know now and I can move forward with all this information and hopefully return to a more healthful and happy life!

Post challenge

The 30 day appreciation challenge was an interesting exercise.  Some days it was hard to find 10 things in one day to appreciate, but I often realized I was missing some important small things. It was part memory and part taking certain experiences  for granted. I also learned as I went along that if I actively looked for the things to appreciate in the moment, there were so many. 

A couple of weeks into it, I learned that the 10 things did not have to happen in one day that we could go back to the past or something we looked forward to in the future, so that made it easier. But for some reason, I enjoyed the challenge of finding 10 in a day. 

My practitioner said that as I was doing this assignment she noticed that my body was more relaxed and connected and moved much better. A positive outlook made a difference in my body! I could feel it, too as far as being able to stretch more than I could before I started the the practice and less pain in my knee. 

I also felt like it became a spiritual practice. It was something that I did everyday that I needed to be focused for and it caused me to reflect on my actions and perceptions. I realized one day that you do not have to travel to Bali to find a guru to make some significant changes to your life. Since I won't be traveling anywhere, I was very happy to have that revelation. :-)

I decided to keep the lists up in my journal so I would not lose momentum. I had such an awesome Feldenkrais session today and want to keep up the good energy I created for myself!

The next thing I need to work on is my diet and food issues. I have worked that angle in the past in different ways, but never stuck to a plan for life. The most success I had was in an Over Eaters Anonymous group years ago. Years. ago.

I have been studying the effects of a balanced PH level for good health.  I have read a couple of books as well as research from the internet. I started reading a year ago, then gave up thinking I could never change my diet so much to achieve a balanced PH level. Most of the food I ate (meat, dairy, etc.) is high in acidity. I realized thinking I could never do it, was well just plain negative! Maybe, just maybe I can make the changes. Maybe it does not have to be for 0 -60! I could start with small changes. So I have been trying to add more of what is good for me and less of what is bad. I am planning to call a natural path to help me with a plan and test my levels. This is scary to me and it is scary to not to do it, too, as the research is very convincing that this is something that can help cancer from reoccurring.

So if I commit to it publicly, maybe it will help me to follow through this time. So much work ahead of me. I need to get busy!

- Myself and I  we got some straightening out to do. - Fergie