Sunday update

Sundays have changed since my mother moved. Since there isn't room for all of us at her new place, we tend to divide up. Some of us go during the week and then a few on Sunday. Once we get the house renovated and we move in, I hope that changes and we can all meet at the house where we all grew up and have our Sunday dinners resume.

I wonder how it will be for Mom to visit us in her former home? I know she misses it so much, and after 60 years living there, how could she not? I thought she would be happy that we kept the house in the family and I believe she is, but wonder how weird it will be for her to be visiting? Time will tell. Sometimes, just once in a while, I wonder if we should have just cut all ties. I guess that is because on some level I feel guilty.

My husband was working everyday at the house ripping up the old carpets, pulling down old wall paper, etc. etc. Workmen were coming in giving estimates, we had an energy audit. Things were moving along. My husband is retired from his full time work, and has his art business, plus a few volunteer positions. On top of that, he also has elderly parents and is their sole care-taker. His mom is 89, dad 86. Dad has Alzheimer. His dad recently came out of an extended stay in rehab and came back home. So my husband has also been very busy with his parents. Very busy.

Unfortunately, my husband fell ill this week, which resulted in a fall. While all the tests at the hospital were negative, he did wind up with a cracked rib and chipped elbow. He is most uncomfortable.

So the house renovating has been put on hold until he is feeling better. Changes are going to be made with the care for his parents. More help needs to come in all areas. Slowing down and self care are high on the agenda now!

Saturday Night Review

When I was in high school I loved to listen to folksinger, Melanie. She was popular when I was in my senior year and through a bit of college. She became known from Woodstock when she sang, Beautiful People, and the crowd for the first time at a concert held lit matches or lighters in the air and moved to the rhythm to the music. Later she wrote her first chart topper, (Lay Down) Candles in the Rain in response to Woodstock.

I saw her at a local venue over 35 years ago with some college friends. The concert was awesome, everything I wanted it to be. After the concert, we met her outside and had an opportunity to chat with her. Great evening.

Fast forward over 35 years: I found out this summer that she was coming our way in Oct. I have looked forward to the show since then! So last night we drove about an hour to a venue with the best acoustics in the state.

To make a long story short. She came out on stage and sang her first number, and my mouth dropped. She was completely off key and sounded awful. Just terrible. I thought, OK, maybe it will get better... maybe someone will tell her to tune her guitar and that will help her get on key.
That never happened. And the rest of the night was just too hard to describe.

Security seemed to be in odd places, giving me an uncomfortable feeling that something was going on and I could not focus on the concert. But focusing on the concert, was depressing because she was ruining all her songs. There was a man in the audience that immediately called out to her to say it was his birthday, and he kept repeating it and repeating it. Then he started to call out other things, some made no sense, some I could not hear. Soon security was sitting next to him. It was obvious at this point that the man was unstable. I started to feel I wasn't safe. I wanted to leave. My husband talked me into staying.

Soon Melanie was yelling from the stage at security to leave the man alone.

Some people got up to leave and she called out into the audience, "Where is everyone going? Why is there so much activity?" "Everyone sit down!"

It was the most uncomfortable situation. The audience started chanting to get the man out. Melanie yells at them that she has been doing this for a long time and everything will be fine.
She sings a couple more songs, the man is agitated. The police come and try to get him out of the aisle. People stand up again to get out of the way. Melanie yells again for everyone to sit down. But now we are all up out of our seats. I am mad now. My instincts said to get out of there before, and I did not listen. I am in a corner up in front and their was no exit on our side.

The man is now yelling for the police to leave him alone and that we are all witnesses. By this time, Melanie stopped playing, her husband was trying to calm down people. Finally, the police and security got the man out of the theater.

Now I was feeling nothing but anxiety, but the show went on and on and on. Way too long for me! lol

So when it was over, Melanie was having a meet and greet. I had brought my CD covers to have her sign, but I was anxious to just get out of there. I was done, so we left for our hour drive back home.

Sitting next to us at the show was a woman who traveled all the way from Australia just for the concert. She had seen her over 30 years ago and had a guitar pick from that show that Melanie had signed and wanted her to sign the back of it this time. She was so excited about being there that she was a nervous wreck before the show. We talked alot before the show. She had stayed a true blue loyal fan over the years. She knew everything about Melanie since the 70's.

I watched her face during the concert and she never took her eyes off of Melanie. She was crying through many of her songs even though her singing was so awful. The woman didn't seem to notice what was going on in back of us with the security, she didn't seem uncomfortable with the restlessness of the crowd. She was in her groove. I admired her for that. She traveled so far to come to the show and nothing was going to ruin it for her. I guess every experience depends on our state of mind. I could not get into the groove last night, the usual connectedness and inspiration that I get from an uplifting concert was not to be.

Ramblings

I so love to read Kelle Hampton's blog. Each and every post inspires me and often moves me to tears. I love her writing, her photos and most of all I love how much she enjoys her life and her kids. I wonder where she gets all of her energy for all that she does. I wonder if other women my age follow her. She gets hundreds of comments a post, so I know she is making a big impact on many people. Check out her blog, Enjoying the Small things @kellehampton.com.

I have lost the passion for writing on my blog, but I still read each and every one on my blog list everyday. It is the first thing I do when I get home to unwind. No one in my family or any of my friends blog or follow blogs, so they don't get it when I talk about the folks I have met through blogging. I know they think it is a little weird because I speak about some of you like you are my best friends. But I think you all know how that goes!

I came home and made sure I watched Oprah's interview with Lisa Marie Presley today. I was curious about her relationship with Michael Jackson and what she would reveal about it. To my surprise, she seemed to be very much in love with him and had many regrets about how the relationship ended and how she shut down and did not deal with her feelings over the years. She seemed sincere and if she was, it must have been a very hard thing for her to do. The parallels between Michael and her father's life are chilling. I always enjoy a good interview.

I used to love the Phil Donahue show back in the day and I swore I would never stop watching him for Oprah. But that didn't last as The Oprah show became more popular and more geared to women's issues. I have memories of being home taking care of the kids and folding laundry while watching Phil. I learned so much about so many things. I remember once Phil had a whole show based around the fax machine when it first came out. In later years when I went back to work, I would watch Oprah while putting dinner in the oven. Phil and Oprah both kept me company and informed.

Well, didn't know where this post was going to go, I just let it take me there.

long time no blog

We didn't know it was the last Sunday dinner at mom's house when we were having it. A couple of days later, her apartment was ready and it was time to move her the very next weekend. I am grateful that we weren't aware of it, because we didn't dwell on it being the last time. It was just a regular Sunday at mom's with her homemade sauce.

We got her all moved in over the Columbus Day weekend. The morning was sad packing up and dividing up 60 years of memories, but we managed. Once we got over to her new place, it was fun. The apartment was bright, clean, cheerful, and it was a good time helping her to decorate. Her place is much, much, smaller than the house, but she was able to bring all the big pieces of furniture over that she wanted. I know it is a big adjustment for her, but she is doing well.

Now we are renovating her home and hopefully we will be in by Christmas.

It was emotionally draining to help her make the move and if that wasn't hard enough, I got a call at the end of the day with some very sad news. A co-worker of mine was out jogging and dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was a avid runner and had not had any physical ailments that he knew of. It was very shocking and scary. So needless to say the following work week was very difficult for all of us.

Getting ready for Sunday dinner

Still working on the house stuff. Son still interested in our house, we are still interested in my mother's house.

I cried for 3 days when her apartment became available. So many things were going through my head. First I was thinking that last year at this time we were getting ready for our son's wedding. Such a wonderful and happy occasion. Soon afterwards my dad became ill and passed away.There was not an inkling in my mind that we would be picking up and moving a year later.

I cried for my mom because she is being so brave to start all over again at age 85, when her entire life was devoted to her husband and that house. I kept thinking it was not really going to happen, that she would change her mind. I guess I was in denial.

I think I had to cry my way through it all for a few days, because now I am feeling so much better. Even my knees are doing better as far as the pain goes. I called and canceled a cortisone shot I was scheduled for because I no longer needed one to my surprise!

We are busy getting rid of clutter we don't want to move or need and that is good no matter what happens.

Been in a creative state lately. I entered 3 categories for the big statewide fair coming up next week. Salon prints, digital pictures, and I did a collection case of Beatles memorabilia. I will find out how I did on Friday. Sort of a fun distraction away from moving and all that stress it entails.

So there u have it. So much more I want to write, but I space out on Frontierville when I have the extra time. Sort of relaxing and like working on an electronic color form set to me. Except the click of a mouse makes it so much easier.

Work is going better, too.

I have come to believe it is more about how we think about the situations in our lives that causes so much suffering than necessary. There are a lot of folks out there who talk about that and I am reading them and really trying to put their strategies into action. I post them all over my Facebook so I will see them every day.

Off to Sunday dinner at my mom's house. We are getting down to the wire now with these dinners. As they will never be the same as they have been all these years in just a few short weeks.

Who knew when I started blogging and writing about the Sunday dinners that I might be the one to carry the torch for my mom in her house? Life is full of surprises and redirections and if it wasn't, how could we ever stretch ourselves?

Take care

I am having such problems with my old knees. My good knee is now bad and I am needing replacement surgery on both of them. The surgeon wants to try to put it off, because I am on the young side to have it done. The new knees only last about 10 years and then you need another replacement, so they say. I want to go along with that because I am not looking forward to surgery, pain, recovery, rehab, etc. but I am not sure waiting is an option as I find my life is becoming more and more pain filled and I am limited in my activities.

I have to figure out what I am going to do. I was falling into a depression because of the despair I was feeling and then had another wake up call when I went for my yearly mammogram.

I was called back to have another mammogram and ultrasound, one day after I had my yearly appointment. Over the phone they were talking about density, cysts, etc. and giving me per cent ages of how many are not malignant. I know many women do get called back and find out they are fine so I tried to not worry about it.

And I didn't worry too much during the day, but I found I had no control of my dreams and I would wake up from dreams about cancer. I would lie awake shaking for awhile. So it was a very stressful 3 days of waiting for my appointment. It gave me a lot to think about, a lot to pray about. I used those days to think about what I need to do to take better care of myself, and I need to start soon. I am ashamed of how I have allowed myself to get into a mess with my health. I worked on a plan to address my issues no matter what the outcome of my tests would be.

You can not imagine my relief and happiness when the technician walked into the room after consulting with the radiologist with her arms waving in the air to tell me that they did not find anything and that I could leave!

So now I am trying to keep my word to myself. I have been doing so much reading about women's issues and all the experts say that there is one main issue that keeps women from taking care of themselves.... It is not feeling worthy. I try to fake feeling worthy, but obviously it isn't working. I am going to keep on trying until I am not faking it any longer because I really want to feel good, feel free of the anxiety I feel on a regular basis.

Seems silly at my age, not to feel worthy. But something has a hold on me, something that has been there for a very long time and I am so tired of how it has made life such a struggle. I want to be free of it.

F R E E ...

It 's Monday, all day long

Things are progressing as far as buying the house where I grew up. We had the house appraised and now we are in the process of making a final decision. Our son is very interested in buying our house, the home where he grew up and I love that idea. It would make the move so much easier as we would not have to rush to get the house on the market and have strangers coming through So that would be plan A: We buy my parent's home, my son and daughter in law buy our home. I won't really have to say good-bye to any house. We will see how it all turns out.

Work has been dismal for me personally. I want to be happy there and I really, really try. But since they changed my job description, I feel like I am not being challenged in the ways that I enjoy. I get my work done, but feel so empty. Nothing I can do but deal with it every day the best I can, and still keep my eyes open to see if there is anything out there for me that would be a better fit.

I have made my list of what I want, I scour the job ads, and I try to stop the negative thinking in my head. You know, thoughts like: "Who will hire me at THIS AGE?", "There is NOTHING out there in this economy." Or, "Do I really want to change jobs at this point in my life and start ALL OVER again somewhere else?"

I really know how to give my self a pep talk talk, don't I??