I am so thankful for the sunny weather we have been blessed with this weekend. I was able to get outside on Friday and do some yard work. While I am sure many people got outside this weekend, for me it felt like a major victory to get myself up off my bed and put one foot in front of the other and walk out the front door.
I haven't felt motivated since my dad died to do much. I have barely cleaned my house. So when my feet hit that drive way and I felt the sun on my face, I just immediately put my arms up stretching towards the sun and a wonderful feeling came over me. In a second I was transformed, I felt like I was walking on stage like Kathy Griffin, head turning side to side flashing a big smile; except my audience was the big old empty sky. It was such a good feeling that I am going to remember to do it every once in a while because I found that I was able to lift myself up. Lift myself up. I have been so down.
The changes at my job have only added to my distress. My responsibilities have changed and I am also grieving the loss of the duties that I held for the past decade. It has been hard, but I have been moving forward with no complaining and just getting the work done.
One day I felt like I was having the beginnings of a panic attack, except that it lasted all day long. My guess was that it was all stress related, but it was most annoying. I just kept on doing what needed to be done and met my friend for dinner as I had planned. As we were ordering dinner, I told her about my day. As we were talking and I was trying to put into words how I had been feeling lately about the changes on the job and dealing with my grief in my personal life. I told her that I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me in two major areas of my life. My friend nodded along with agreement and as soon as I got the words out of my mouth, I calmed down. I felt my chest just relax and I felt normal again. There, I said it out loud and it made all of the difference.
I have had a couple of dreams about driving my car over snow and ice and I know those are symbols of frozen emotions. I am working through my grief as best as I can, but I know I haven't had any break through moments yet. Slowly, I feel like I am climbing out of myself, but I know I have a long way to go.
Easter was nice. We were able to go to VT with my mom and my sister. My mom hasn't gone any where out of state over night in years as she was always taking care of dad. So we tried to make a new tradition and it worked out really well.
Over the weekend my mom shared with us that she has decided that she wants to move from her house where she lived with my dad for 60 years and move into a complex for seniors. She is lonely and overwhelmed with the responsibility of the house. I am finding this a very difficult thing to hear. I understand her need to go where she will be less lonely, and I know the house is a money pit and way too big for her now. I admire that she is feeling ready to move on so quickly, and I know it will not be easy for her to do so. They built that house soon after they were married.
So yet another change is coming up and I am feeling so sad about it.
The changes at my job have only added to my distress. My responsibilities have changed and I am also grieving the loss of the duties that I held for the past decade. It has been hard, but I have been moving forward with no complaining and just getting the work done.
One day I felt like I was having the beginnings of a panic attack, except that it lasted all day long. My guess was that it was all stress related, but it was most annoying. I just kept on doing what needed to be done and met my friend for dinner as I had planned. As we were ordering dinner, I told her about my day. As we were talking and I was trying to put into words how I had been feeling lately about the changes on the job and dealing with my grief in my personal life. I told her that I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me in two major areas of my life. My friend nodded along with agreement and as soon as I got the words out of my mouth, I calmed down. I felt my chest just relax and I felt normal again. There, I said it out loud and it made all of the difference.
I have had a couple of dreams about driving my car over snow and ice and I know those are symbols of frozen emotions. I am working through my grief as best as I can, but I know I haven't had any break through moments yet. Slowly, I feel like I am climbing out of myself, but I know I have a long way to go.
Easter was nice. We were able to go to VT with my mom and my sister. My mom hasn't gone any where out of state over night in years as she was always taking care of dad. So we tried to make a new tradition and it worked out really well.
Over the weekend my mom shared with us that she has decided that she wants to move from her house where she lived with my dad for 60 years and move into a complex for seniors. She is lonely and overwhelmed with the responsibility of the house. I am finding this a very difficult thing to hear. I understand her need to go where she will be less lonely, and I know the house is a money pit and way too big for her now. I admire that she is feeling ready to move on so quickly, and I know it will not be easy for her to do so. They built that house soon after they were married.
So yet another change is coming up and I am feeling so sad about it.
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4 comments:
I can so understand what you write here. I was in the exact same boat, just over a year ago. I lost my life long job...I lost my mom...we moved from small town life to city life...it was difficult. Just now, after nearly two years, I am beginning to be me again. It will come, do your best to go with the flow. You are a good wife, daughter, mother and friend....let others help you along now. Hugs. :)
Grieving is difficult and everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. I hope you have more joyous mornings like you did this weekend.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. Being able to look up at the sun and feeling the lift in your spirit is just the beginning. Don't expect more from yourself than you are capable of.
Hugs.
I think it's amazing that you can articulate your feelings so well and understand them. I'm sure you will get through this time and come out with joy.
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