Count down

All of a sudden the weather turned hot and humid and it felt like summer all weekend. It was nice to have a 3 day weekend and we took off for the Berkshires for a concert on Saturday night. We saw Arlo Guthrie at the Guthrie Center which was the setting for the movie, Alice's Restaurant. We have been going up there for years and haven't been in awhile so it was nice to visit there again.

Today we hung out a little bit in Stockbridge before we headed home.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my employer to discuss my job as I am heading into chemotherapy on Thursday. From what I am told and from what I have read, everyone has a different experience with treatment and if there are side effects they happen 3-7 days after the infusion. Those can be days when many cancer patients may choose to stay home and not work depending on the severity.

I am lucky, as my boss says she will be flexible with my time and is willing to see how this all plays out. Usually after the first round, you know what your pattern is going to be.

I think I have said everything that I could say about chemo in my other posts. Friends tell me that I am brave, but I don't feel brave. Being brave is feeling afraid and choosing to do something anyways. I don't really have a choice about treatment, there is only one standard treatment and if I want to beat this cancer, I must go for it. So here and now I can say that I HATE it when people tell me I am brave. Just saying.

I still hope when I go to bed at night that I will wake up the next morning from this nightmare. I still cry once in awhile during the night and my husband will hold me and let me cry it out. Although most of the time, I am just going through my normal days trying to work and do stuff with friends and make lots of decisions.

People tell me that I have a good attitude. That part hasn't been hard up until now and I hope I can still keep up the good attitude if the situation turns more difficult. So many are praying for me and one of my cousins is walking in my honor at a Relay for Life in June in MA. I have tons of support, how lucky am I?

I will be losing my hair and I have dragged my feet on getting a wig, so that will be on the agenda this week. I have a prescription for 2 wigs. Although I stopped dying my hair years ago, I think I will get one wig gray and one wig with color for fun. Why not? I look forward to freaking people out with new color hair. I need to have some fun!

Night out

At the end of the appointment with the surgeon last week, I started to cry. She asked me why I was crying and I told her that I was relieved to hear that I was healing well and that there would be no more surgery. She then pulled me to her and hugged me and kissed me hard on the top of my head. It was very motherly and I so appreciated her love and care.

I asked her if I could also travel an hour the next day and go to a concert with my husband. She was all for it! "Cancer is just a little blip out of your whole life, go and live your life!" she encouraged me.

When I was getting dressed, she went out to the waiting room and told my husband that I was clear for work as well as the concert and to go and enjoy!

So I came home Friday after my first day back at work and we got ready to go off to the Litchfield hills to see Buffy St. Marie perform. My husband was a big fan of hers through his teen years but I was not so familiar with her music until I met him. We saw her once years ago and she was great. Now at 70 years old, she is still going strong.

We found a very cool restaurant right next to the theater for dinner and then headed over to get in line. We had front row seats in a quaint little theater in the middle of nowhere. Buffy came on with band and they were just awesome. I am not usually one to be interested in a band because I can't tell a good guitar player or drummer from a bad one. But on this night I was just drawn to the drummer. He played those drums like no one I have ever seen. He had such showmanship and he was so passionate about drumming that it almost seemed like he was one with the drum sticks. I loved watching him!

At the end of the concert, Buffy was came out to sign autographs. We knew this ahead of time, so we were right at the front of the line. I saw them setting up a table for 4 people and realized that the band would be at the table with Buffy and that I would get a chance to meet the drummer named Mike.

So I approached the table and shook the Mike's hand and told him how much I enjoyed the show and said to him that I was mesmerized by his drumming. He was very touched by the compliment and put his hand over his heart and gave me a very passionate thank you! Then he took my hand and kissed it and thanked me again! It was really very sweet! I don't think I have ever had my hand kissed!

Then my husband got his chance to have his CD signed by Buffy and I took a picture of the both of them. Unfortunately, her face came out a little blurry, but I am going to post it anyway!

Labor pains

I was able to go back to work today! The surgeon gave me the all clear yesterday. The final report was in from my procedures and my lymph nodes officially clear. I thought they were at the surgery, but she said until the official report comes out you never know. She removed 2 nodes instead of 1 because they were small and right next to one another.

The lab report also indicated that they found some more cancer, a non-invasive type. The surgeon said she got it all, the original cancer that sent me to surgery and the new one they found. There was no need for any more surgery and for that I am grateful!

Next week I have two oncology appointments. My primary care encouraged me to go for a second opinion to an oncologist who specializes in the invasive Her2/positives cancer that I have. I don't expect her to say anything different than what the other oncologist has recommended, but you never know. I have researched this type of cancer for hours and the treatment seems to be pretty standard. But I am extremely curious as to what the specialist's opinion will be. And no matter which oncologist I choose, I know chemo is right around the corner for me.

I am gearing up and trying to get ready for chemotherapy. I am not sure how one goes about that however. I read the little booklet from the oncology office called Chemotherapy 101. I read a book called UPLIFT that had all positive vignettes from breast cancer survivors with a whole chapter devoted to chemo. I have scoured the Internet reading all the things that I did and didn't want to know about chemotherapy. I have friends and relatives that have gone through it and shared their their experiences with me.

But I am scared shitless. Who wouldn't be?

Somehow getting ready for chemo reminds me of all the reading and preparation I did before the children were born. I would lay in bed with my baby books and read all about labor and delivery and just try to figure out how it would be for me. How much pain would there be? Could I handle it? What if I couldn't? What if I just wanted to give up in the middle of it all? I think about all the support that is all around you at the time of childbirth, but ultimately you are the one having to do it alone.

In my mind I am equating giving birth to a baby to having chemotherapy. It really doesn't seem to go together, but it does in my mind. All of this preparation and trying to imagine accomplishing something that seems too intense and impossible at times for the sake of something grander.

There will be no beautiful baby at the end of the chemo to cuddle with and make all the suffering be worthwhile, but instead I like to think of it as if I will be giving birth to myself.

It will be a new me, a chance to start over with a healthy body and a new perspective on life.

Thinking of this whole cancer journey as a re-birth is what will keep me going and helping me to prepare for all the uncertainly before me.

Mother's Day

My younger son moved out last Sunday, making our home an official empty nest. He has been out of college for a couple years, working 3 part time jobs looking for something in his field. In the middle of all of that, he met a girl from out of state and they hit it off and he has been dating her for over one year. He was back and forth every weekend and day off when he could. His goal was to find a job in her city and move up there and be closer to her. It all worked out for him and we are all glad that it did.

When I first got my diagnosis he began to doubt that he wanted to follow through with his plan because he felt he would be needed here at home due to my recent diagnosis. It was all so new and I don't think either one of my sons knew what to expect and how this would play out.

I told my son that he needed to go and live his life that I would be fine, and if indeed we needed him, he was only a couple of hours away. But in my mind, I was glad he would not be around for those days when things might get tough for me.

So once he got the job, it was just a couple of weeks before he moved out. I was in my own little cancer world and didn't take the time to take him shopping and buy some things for his apartment, you know spend some mom and son time. He didn't need me to do that, but I wanted to and couldn't get it together with so much else on my mind. It was even hard for me to be excited for his new job because I was so preoccupied with my health.

We had one night when we all went to dinner and that was nice. So on move -out day we decided to drive up and help him with extra boxes and see his place and get the tour of the city. The plan was for me and my husband to follow him up, but instead I rode up with my son. This gave us some time to have some good conversation and he allowed me to give him a bunch of unasked for mother advice. I didn't over do it, and we had some good and enlightening conversations. A great drive up there!

It was a nice distraction from my pending surgery to spend the day before with him and his girl and to get a peek at where he would be working and his new neighborhood. Beautiful weather, good company, and a great lunch together.

The next morning I headed to the hospital.

Later in the day when surgery was over and I was home, my older son and his wife stopped by with homemade pot roast and offers to be on hand if we needed anything at all. It was so great to see them standing there when I woke up from my nap, still a bit loopy from the anesthesia.

Usually, we take my mom and all go out for a brunch on Mother's Day. But this year is a little different. My own mom was in the hospital for 4 days this week and gave us all quite a scare, but she is home and doing well now, but needs to take it easy.

My older sister will be making dinner for me and my mom and I get to go out of the house for a little while today! I still don't have clearance to go back to work, but the nurse said I could visit my mom on Mother's Day as long as I practiced scrupulous hand washing.

My older son will be coming over with his wife later, and I will see my youngest next weekend.

It was hard on me this week because I could not get up to see my mom in the hospital, due to my surgery. It was hard on my mom because she ended up in the hospital, and she could not visit me after my surgery. Mom and daughter did not like being away from each other in such trying times.

So it is a different kind of Mother's Day this year and we are just going with the flow and will make it a good one!

And to all the moms out there, Happy Mother's Day, to you!

As the world turns

I have been recuperating nicely. I feel good and have lots of energy that I can't really do anything with! I am very sore still, but it seems to be getting better every day. I am up and dressed to day and plan to do a bit of organizing around here. It will feel good. I am not on any pain medication other than prescription Ibuprofen and it is working just fine.

When I was at the hospital on Monday and they were sticking me with a needle to put in the wire for the surgery, they were trying to distract me, by asking me about the royal wedding and how I felt about Bin Laden's death. To be truthful, I hadn't watched the wedding much. I saw a couple of shots of her dress on the news and that was all that interested me.

Once I heard Bin Laden was dead, I turned off the TV. It didn't make sense to wait for the president to come on to tell us what we already knew. The whole thing kind of scared me and I didn't believe we would be safer with him dead, anyways. I never saw the crowds rejoicing.

I had no opinion on anything, I had spent the last few days concentrating on myself and navigating this new cancer world that I was now a part of and that was all I could take in. The world turned without me paying much attention. I didn't realize how out of touch I was until I saw the look on everyone's faces at the hospital. You would think they of all people would have understood that I had other things on my mind.

Home sweet home

My surgery went really well and I was home by 3:00 P.M.

My lymph nodes were clear!!!

I am just very sore and tired right now.

My daughter in law and son came over with a crock pot of pot roast for dinner which was a nice treat for us.

I have been napping on and off since I came home.

In an unusual turn of events, my mom had a routine doctor appointment this morning, but fell ill at the doctor. She was taken to the ER where they ran some tests and they found that she was dehydrated. They are keeping her over night for observation.

One of my sisters was with her today and at first they didn't want to tell me what was going on, but later in the afternoon they did. I was able to speak to mom and she sounded like she was doing better.

I am just glad to be home and hope my mom can come home tomorrow!