Over the Rainbow

I went to art therapy tonight at the hospital. Our group got locked out of the building due to some construction they are in the middle of. We waited for security to come to unlock, but he never came. 

It had been raining hard before we arrived, but the rain had let up and the sun  was peeking through. I knew it was just the right conditions for a rainbow. We looked around and didn't see anything. A few minutes later there was a huge, brightly colored rainbow over the hospital. It was the brightest and biggest rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It was a double rainbow, but the other one was very faint. 

I was so glad to have my camera with me although the photos do not do justice to what we saw. And the hospital building was blocking some of it. 

We ended up being sent home from art therapy, because no one could unlock the door. We all decided that if we had art as usual we would have  missed the rainbow as we would have been inside in a room with no windows. So it was meant to be that we should skip art and see some of nature's art instead! 

Weekend news

My father- in- law took a turn for the worst over the weekend and passed away on Sunday night. On Saturday, my husband and son were at the hospital with him and my mother- in- law and brother -in- law. I was home and I went grocery shopping to buy some food to make my husband a good dinner for when he got home. We have not been shopping or cooking regularly since my treatments started.  I was in the mood for home cooking. I made stuffed chicken, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole. It felt so good to be fussing in my kitchen and knowing that when my husband came home he would have a really nice home cooked meal. We were eating out way, way, too much. 

My husband came home and brought his brother and they were both famished. It was the first time I had seen my brother- in- law since my FIL went into hospice. Again, I was not allowed to visit my FIL due to my risk of infection from the chemotherapy, so I had been out of the whole process other than what my husband was sharing with me.  The week before members of the church choir went to the hospice and sang at my FIL's bedside. My husband recorded it for me so I could hear it and we all were discussing how beautiful they sounded,  how we all cried listening to it, and what a gift it was for my FIL.

We talked all night about death and dying and the situation at hand.

I went off to bed, glad I could be part of the family process in a small way. 

As I drifted off to sleep I started to see the color green when my eyes were closed. Metaphysicians will tell you that when you meditate and see the color green, that you are experiencing physical healing. I had this experience once before way back when I was first diagnosed and I was working with my energy healer. But this time the green was even deeper and more beautiful and I  also saw green crystals. I was excited. So many other times I tried meditation to see the green again and nothing. Now without any effort, there it was before my eyes, a comfort and a hope that all the hard work  that I am doing with my therapist on top of the chemo was making an impact on my health.

I drifted off into a deep sleep, so deep that I found myself dreaming that I was at my father- in- law's side and I was taking every breath right along with him. I was right up close to his face, breathing along with him. Waiting to see if he was going to take that last breath. But I was also confused about who was dying, him or me? I tossed and turned and I tried at times pull myself out of that "dream" but there I stayed by his side for what seemed like the entire night. 

The next morning my husband went to the hospital early and by 10:30 A.M. they called the rest of family as my FIL was now at the threshold of life and death. It was Sunday, the day when my chemo side effects are the worst. I usually can barely function, but I was a little better than usual. My son called. Should he go to the hospital and be with the family or come and take care of me? I knew I would probably sleep the whole day and I was able to get around when I needed to, so I told him to go be with my husband in my place. 

So for the entire day I laid around all alone in the house while my husband and son sat vigil  at the hospital. They texted and called me all day to make sure I was OK and give me updates.

So there I was lying in the dark sick from chemo, drifting out of sleep and waking up very, very foggy brained all the while  getting texts about a dying relative. 

Surreal to me. 

A banner day

Ring the bell
3 Times well
It's toll to clearly say
My treatment is done
This course is run And I am on my way.

Yesterday I completed 6 rounds of chemotherapy for an invasive breast cancer. My treatment is not really done. I will continue to go for 13 more infusions to oncology as well as radiation. But I will be on a medicine that does not have the harsh side effects of the chemo. They told me all along that I could not ring the bell until the spring when all the infusions were completed. I was disappointed because I wanted to mark the end of the chemo, but I understood their reasoning.

So to my surprise yesterday at the end of the day they told me that I could ring the bell because they wanted me to celebrate the milestone. I burst into tears. I so needed to have the closure on the chemo. I had been so inspired by all those before me who finished chemo and rang the bell. It gave me hope that I could make it to the finish line as well.

So I got up and went over to the bell.   I started to ring the bell and all the nurses and techs lined up to watch me. And it was then that I realized that they looked even more happy than I was. Seeing them all lined up like that was amazing. There were so many of them who had been taking care of me.

So I started to ring that bell harder for them and shout Whoopee!!! It was an awesome feeling! I hugged all of them and then I was presented with flowers. A local florist donates flowers to the oncology department.

So even though I still have a long road to go, I am done with Phase 1!
I now think that life should have a whole lot more of bell ringing moments!  Ring them bells!

And so it is

I was e-mailing today with a work professional who knows that I am in treatment for breast cancer. She asked how I was doing and I sent her back a quick e-mail and updated her. Then she wrote back something that has stuck in my head all day. She said something to the effect that she hoped after all is said and done that I would "achieve my desired outcome".  

Desired outcome. It seemed like an odd way to put it.  I try not to think about anything other than beating this. I felt a twinge of fear when I read her message, as it reminded me of the undesirable outcomes that could happen and do happen for some women.

I think about all the women I know who are survivors and assume I will be one of them. But today,  those words, desired outcome, shook me some.  I started to think about what would happen if this illness does not play out the way I pray for it to.

I was walking through the grocery store after work wheeling my carriage around the store in sort of a daze feeling sad as I thought of different scenarios that could happen.   Then I got mad at her for wording her message the way she did and mad at myself for ever telling her I was undergoing all of this. Then I realized that I was just having a normal dose of fear which is common for someone diagnosed with cancer.  Fortunately, I didn't allow myself to think sad thoughts for too long and I felt better and let go of all those negative thoughts invading my mind.

My desired outcome is to be cancer free and healed. And so it is. 

Taking it seriously

A three day weekend! I only worked 3 days total last week and still could not wait to be off.  I was hoping to get so much accomplished these 3 days, but the cumulative effects from the chemo have kept me mostly very tired and not doing much. At least I am more awake today than yesterday when I slept most of the day and never left the house.

My husband's father was moved to Hospice on Wednesday. Although they can not predict for sure, the staff there thought he might have about a week left. My husband has been bringing his mom up there every day. I am not allowed to go to the hospital due to the risk of infection to myself. Everyone understands this, but it is very weird to me to not be with the family when they are visiting him and not being part of the process. Never would I have ever imagined not being by my husband's side when one of his parents were dying. Even though it is out of my control, I was feeling like an awful wife for awhile. Now I have let those negative thoughts go and I am just concentrating on what I can do for my husband when he is home. 

This morning he wanted to go and get breakfast and bring it to the beach and eat and watch the ocean for awhile, so I dragged myself out of bed early so we could do so. Then he dropped me off home and off he went to the hospital. 

My own mother has been having health issues as well. My two sisters are handling it without me. There is no way I can take time off from work to take mom to Dr. appointments because I am taking so much time off for treatments. So my sisters are on their own. I know they miss having me help out, but nothing I can do about it. I have to take care of me and there is not enough left over to take care of others.

When people see me, they alwarys remark that I look good. When I am not looking good, I am home in bed so no one sees me. What has been interesting is that a couple of people have challenged me about a couple of decisions I have made because they don't like that I am not available to them. They feel that since I look good and I am coping well with treatment that I can not decline invitations or requests.  They are pretty much telling me that I can't use cancer as a reason to say NO to them. So very interesting. If I knew people were going to be like this, I would have made up some drama so they would leave me alone! LOL

My therapist always reminds me that I have cancer and that I do not have to do anything that I do not want to do and even though it is hard sometimes to say no, I know that I must do the healthy thing for myself to avoid stress. She wants me to avoid stress at all costs. So if I do not want to do something, I should not.

And since we are under more stress now than we care to have all at once, I am taking her words seriously.