Weekend news

My father- in- law took a turn for the worst over the weekend and passed away on Sunday night. On Saturday, my husband and son were at the hospital with him and my mother- in- law and brother -in- law. I was home and I went grocery shopping to buy some food to make my husband a good dinner for when he got home. We have not been shopping or cooking regularly since my treatments started.  I was in the mood for home cooking. I made stuffed chicken, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole. It felt so good to be fussing in my kitchen and knowing that when my husband came home he would have a really nice home cooked meal. We were eating out way, way, too much. 

My husband came home and brought his brother and they were both famished. It was the first time I had seen my brother- in- law since my FIL went into hospice. Again, I was not allowed to visit my FIL due to my risk of infection from the chemotherapy, so I had been out of the whole process other than what my husband was sharing with me.  The week before members of the church choir went to the hospice and sang at my FIL's bedside. My husband recorded it for me so I could hear it and we all were discussing how beautiful they sounded,  how we all cried listening to it, and what a gift it was for my FIL.

We talked all night about death and dying and the situation at hand.

I went off to bed, glad I could be part of the family process in a small way. 

As I drifted off to sleep I started to see the color green when my eyes were closed. Metaphysicians will tell you that when you meditate and see the color green, that you are experiencing physical healing. I had this experience once before way back when I was first diagnosed and I was working with my energy healer. But this time the green was even deeper and more beautiful and I  also saw green crystals. I was excited. So many other times I tried meditation to see the green again and nothing. Now without any effort, there it was before my eyes, a comfort and a hope that all the hard work  that I am doing with my therapist on top of the chemo was making an impact on my health.

I drifted off into a deep sleep, so deep that I found myself dreaming that I was at my father- in- law's side and I was taking every breath right along with him. I was right up close to his face, breathing along with him. Waiting to see if he was going to take that last breath. But I was also confused about who was dying, him or me? I tossed and turned and I tried at times pull myself out of that "dream" but there I stayed by his side for what seemed like the entire night. 

The next morning my husband went to the hospital early and by 10:30 A.M. they called the rest of family as my FIL was now at the threshold of life and death. It was Sunday, the day when my chemo side effects are the worst. I usually can barely function, but I was a little better than usual. My son called. Should he go to the hospital and be with the family or come and take care of me? I knew I would probably sleep the whole day and I was able to get around when I needed to, so I told him to go be with my husband in my place. 

So for the entire day I laid around all alone in the house while my husband and son sat vigil  at the hospital. They texted and called me all day to make sure I was OK and give me updates.

So there I was lying in the dark sick from chemo, drifting out of sleep and waking up very, very foggy brained all the while  getting texts about a dying relative. 

Surreal to me.