To hug or not to hug

Since I came down with the infection and upon the advice of my doctor,  I decided for my protection and for the protection of my family and friends that I would stop hugging people. The doctor said that I am more at risk from catching something from others than they were at getting my infection, so I decided to be diligent about keeping my personal space.

The first big hurdle was going to a family Christmas party on the 18th. I knew that there were going to be 40 of my relatives there and if you know anything about Italians, they hug and kiss upon arrival and departure. I thought that maybe I should wear a sign saying no hugging, lol! But I got there and every time someone came over to me to hug, I quickly put my hands up and said that I couldn't accept hugs because of my health. It was awkward, but I kept it up and I managed fine. Then when it was time to leave, some people forgot and came over to hug me again and I had to remind them again. 

Before I went to the party, I wondered how I would feel about the hugging thing. I found that I missed hugging the people that are the dearest to me, and I felt relieved not to have to hug those folks that I didn't feel close to. My whole life long it was just taken for granted that we all hug if we are related. So I learned something new about myself, that I want my hugging to  be authentic. 

I didn't worry so much about the hugging when I went back to work, but I had not realized how much hugging goes on there. Due to the holiday everyone was in a hugging mood and due to my health lots of people wanted to hug me and wish me a  happy and healthy New Year.  So I had to turn away many hugs. But it wasn't so easy at work. Some people stopped by that used to work there (they didn't know about my diagnosis) and wanted to hug and were absolutely offended when I said I couldn't. I needed to tell them that I was under treatment for cancer and that was the reason at which point they softened. I would have not shared this information normally, but felt inclined when I saw how offended they became when I said I couldn't hug due to flu season and low resistance.

Two co-workers came up to me from behind and hugged me sayings," I know you don't want hugs, but I want to hug you anyways."  They just didn't seem to get it. I had to let it go. A couple of hugs were not a big deal, I know. It was just the point of not respecting my wishes.

Now it is interesting to me how people just take it upon themselves to invade your space and how people are insulted if you don't want them to. I guess it never occurs to people that something that feels so good could cause harm.

Actually, when I got my wig, the hairdresser told me not to let  people hug me because it could knock off the wig and it would be very embarrassing. I soon learned that everyone wants to hug a cancer patient and they are so quick that it is impossible at times to stop it. So I took my chances and was not assertive. This time around though, I knew to be quick about it and to stick to my guns!

I know they say for good mental health you need to have at least 12 or more (or something like that) hugs a day. That is just fine, but you need to be sure that the person you are hugging really wants to hug you back. :-)

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

Update

Christmas Eve was spent at my sister's house. She made muscles with shrimp and baked shrimp. I made my grandmother's recipe of chicken with olives, capers, and sweet fried peppers. We had rice, broccoli, Italian bread and an assortment of desserts. My older son and daughter in law came and we all had a nice dinner with my mom and my sister's in-laws. It was warm and cozy and wonderful. It felt like time was suspended for an evening and I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. I loved that feeling.

Christmas Day was at my house. I invited my husband's family, and my younger son and his girl were coming from out of town just for the day. We had a smoked Vermont spiral ham, bake macaroni and cheese, asparagus, salad and another slew of desserts.

Everyone enjoyed the dinner and we had a wonderful day. 

Too many hands in the stew

Yesterday was two years since my father passed away. My mom had a nice memorial message  in the local paper and we all put up our own on our individual Facebook pages. I was up early yesterday morning and found my self sobbing because I miss him and sobbing for all the events of these past 10 months. I was feeling emotionally drained. 

This week was one of the tougher weeks for me. Since my last post I have discovered that I have an infection in the burn wound. It is quite a mess as I have been saying. It was my primary care doctor that gasped when she saw my wound who confirmed the infection through a culture. This was less than one hour coming from the radiology nurse who checked my wound and said, "Keep doing what you are doing."  They have been watching me like a hawk in radiology, but failed to notice that things were turning bad, very bad. I was worried, they reassured me. I let myself be reassured even though my gut didn't think something was right. 

When I called radiology  the nurse was embarrassed they "missed something" and then complained about "too many hands in the stew".  In my mind, thank goodness there were more hands in the stew because now I was going to get the right kind of care.

When I went back to radiology after hearing about the infection, I thought for sure they would give me a new cream as the cream I am on has not helped one bit. I have been on it for a while and they kept telling me it was the best one to be on. I was shocked that the nurse said I should continue on the cream. So this time I decided to be clear that I was not going to use that cream anymore. I wanted to try something else. She told me about a new over the counter medicine that they had seen good results with, but it could only be found out of town and insurance didn't cover it. I didn't care. I would go anywhere and spent what I had to with the hopes that I would get some relief! It was $28.00 for a small tube, but as you will see, it was well worth it.

 I tried the cream that night and the very next day when I took my shower I was not wincing in pain when I washed my wound.  I could not believe how fast it worked.  It still was sore, but nothing like it was. I was so happy, but I realized that had I not spoken up I would still be using that crap cream and my skin would still be stinging. 

I am on an antibiotic now and with the new cream to help soothe the wound, I am praying that I am on an upswing. 

Set back

I have hit some set backs this week. My burns are not healing up too well and they are causing much discomfort. On top of that I came down with a case of the shingles. They are large and itchy and painful. So far I don't have that many, and I hope since I have been on the medicine a good 48 hours now that I will stop breaking out!

When I went to my primary care doctor on Monday to have her diagnosis the break out, she looked at my burn wounds. She gasped when she saw them. Granted, as a primary care doctor she doesn't deal with radiation patients, but when she gasped, it confirmed what I was experiencing.

So back to the radiation nurse tomorrow with hopes that she will give me a stronger cream and that the burns will soon heal up. I am doing my best to stay patient and to keep my spirits up, but I am really anxious to have my skin heal. 

I am going to work every day and just trying to focus on what I need to get done and not think about the pain. So far that is working.

Best wishes to me

Today was my last radiation treatment! 33 treatments over 7 weeks. When I sat up on the table after the last treatment, the balloon above was waiting for me anchored by a little bag with a blessing stone.  The technicians and the nurse hugged me, and I cried. They gave me their best wishes for a happier and healthier new year.

I think it always startles people when I cry because they always ask why am I crying? Same thing happened the last day of chemo. Both times I said that I was relieved that it was over and that satisfies them.But I think for me it is more than that. I am crying for everything. Crying that I had cancer, crying over the treatment, crying because of everything that is associated with cancer and how it has changed my day to day life.And relieved that I got through another phase.

It surprises me that people don't realize that, but I guess you wouldn't if you have never been through it or are not much of a crier. I am a crier and I am OK with it. 

My skin is a mess. I have open wounds that are raw and stinging me every second of the day. I am still going to need to stick to the regime of creams and ban on certain products until my skin heals. When my skin heals, then I will feel like I am done!

But there is no grass growing under my feet. I will be back at the hospital tomorrow for my Herceptin drip. Every three weeks until the end of May. And then there is hormone therapy. I still have a long way to go. The technicians asked if I was going out to celebrate.No, I am not celebrating. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that it is all done and over with, but for some reason it is sort of anti-climatic. I still have lots of treatment to go, so I will wait until that last treatment of Herceptin and then it will be party time!