Suite: Judy Blue Eyes

We went to see Judy Collins in concert tonight at St. Joseph's College. The theater was small and intimate and we were sitting in the second row. No one was sitting in front of me, so I had a birds eye view of Ms. Judy. Her voice was in fine shape, as crystal clear as ever.

She started out with Joni Mitchell's Chelsea Morning, which was a wonderfully upbeat song. She talked about her roots, musical history and her Irish family. ( She made reference to Irish Alzheimer's ... forgetting everything but the grudge... a couple of times which the audience found humorous.)

Listening to all the songs brought me back to my teen aged years, where I spent a lot of time in my room listening to records and memorizing every word. A lonely time in many ways, but the music was there to keep me company and allow me to fantasize about being someone I wasn't. I felt healing chills listening to the words of her old songs... such poetry.

In the day I was hopeful that maybe someday I would be strong, creative and confident like the performers I admired.

Judy sang a new song she wrote about 911, and it was hauntingly beautiful.

She talked about Arlo Guthrie and Joan Baez... both of whom I have met and seen in concert many times. I began to think about how grateful I was to my husband who steered me away from Top 40 to folk music, and thinking about how much of our married life has revolved around musical events.

The performance was outstanding, but she wrapped it up only after one hour of songs, hardly enough time for her to sing enough of my favorites. I was certain she would sing Both Sides Now for her encore, but instead she sung, the Beatles' tune, In My Life. And then she was gone.

Unexpectedly, we were able to attend the reception after the show and meet her. I always become shy around the celebs and I leave it to my husband to get the autographs and chit chat with them. As we were waiting for her to come out the crowd was all a buzz that she didn't sing Both Sides Now, her biggest hit. So when she came out someone had the courage to ask her why she left it out. She said she was singing it at the 7:00 PM show. Sensing the disappointment of the crowd, she said that since we all wanted it, we could sing it together. So with Judy leading... we all sang the first verse of Both Sides Now . It was so special and way better than if she had sung it on stage for her encore.

So what a night... a reception with Judy and a private sing a long.

Time Travel

Last night I was having a few dreams about my parents. But there was one dream that woke me up out of a sound sleep with such a heavy chest that I could barely breathe.

I was dreaming about Amy, Ron, and Carin F. from high school and we were in Grandma's farmhouse. I took Carin to the upstairs bathroom and I closed the door to tell her a secret. I told her that I remembered I had had this dream before, and I needed to take a break from the dream and do some time traveling.

I opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the hallway to the upstairs back door. I slowly opened the door and stood on the stoop and looked across the street to see my dad. He was across the street in his front yard putting vegetables on the stand. My mother was out there taking care of customers. He was so happy and he could walk and move. I wondered why we didn't have the vegetable stand anymore, and then remembered that it was because he is now 86 soon to be 87 and he is retired and he can barely walk around the house.

I stood on the stoop and just watched him under the trees and I began to wail and cry so hard that I was heaving and could barely breathe. I was crying because I knew his future and how he would have to give up what he loved and how lonely and unproductive his days were going to be not to mention the pain he would be facing on a daily basis.

I wailed so much in that dream that I woke myself up struggling for breath. The phone then rang and it was my sister. I wanted to tell her about the dream, so I tried to share a little, but not the full impact.

It was been a few years now that he has been so disabled and there has not been any break-through with his pain management. He just has to live with it day in and day out... and we visit and we kiss him hello and good-bye... and we try to make him laugh... but keep the emotions at bay.

Sometimes I think that all of the recent pain problems I am having are just sympathy pains for him. I can't make him better... there is nothing I can do for him to ease the pain for a minute.

So I take on his pain and go from doctor to doctor to see what the heck is wrong with me. There is no blood test, no x-ray or MRI that will diagnose this...

Time travel didn't seem so hard in that dream... I just opened the door. Traveling back not only to a place in time, but to feelings that I froze in time.

Right or Happy?

Do you want to be right or happy?

Ask yourself this at times when you are struggling with an issue or have a conflict with someone. If you find in your heart that you want to be right, then accept that you have forfeited your happiness.

You would be surprised how much happiness we give up with our quest to be right at all costs.

So what it is it going to be?

Right or happy?

Old Friends

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.

An old friend from high school died last night. I hadn't seen her for 30 years, but a couple of years ago she came home and we all got together for a brunch. It was a fun to see her again as well as all my other high school pals.

We emailed back and forth for awhile and then no one heard from her. We wondered if she had a recurrence of cancer, but didn't know. This summer we heard she was fine, and over the weekend we find out she is dying.

Good that we made the time when we did. One last connection after 30 years and it was like we had seen each other yesterday.

Rest in peace Marie... I will always remember the tries at encounter groups in the cabin in the woods on New Britain Avenue. Say hello to Joi... I am sure you two will connect.

God Bless.

LAUNCHcast

I love my LAUNCHcast music. I have about 5,000 songs rated over the years. So neat the way songs pop up because of your other ratings. Songs that I would never think of searching for, appear like a gift under the Christmas tree.

I can listen at work and not have to search for the right album or CD and fiddle with getting the right song. And the sound is so fine. I can work on the computer and listen. I love my music and my favorite songs. So amazing how I can have access to so many with just clicks of a button.

Music can take you away to another place inside of yourself that gets hard to find in the day to day happenings.

Now playing.... Vertical Horizon... The Best I Ever Had.... Grey Sky Morning ****

Unconditional Love

When I was in 8th grade I came home from school one day and my dad asked me to go into the garage to get him a hammer. When I walked into the garage ...surprise... there was a puppy waiting for me. I was beside myself with happiness and shock. I named her Missy and she became my best friend and confidant for the next 14 years.

Growing up on a farm was the perfect place to raise a puppy and Missy had the run of the cornfields. She often accompanied me driving my dad's old Chevy up and down the hills leaving clouds of dust to be seen for miles.

When I left home and moved out of state after I got married, she moped around the house and didn't eat for 2 weeks. When ever we came home to visit, she would be out of her mind excited to see me. There was no better feeling in the world than being welcomed home by her.

Missy grew old and needed to be put to sleep. I put it off as long as I could, but there came a point when she was just suffering too much to let her go on. It was fitting that she was put to rest soon after the birth of my first child. I welcomed my son and said good-bye to my best friend.

Missy never really left my heart because over the years I have seen her rise up in my dreams. Once, after my second son's heart surgery, I dreamt that I was in the cornfield and there she was running up to greet me. I had my two sons with me and I introduced her to them. A dream that was deep and real and I question if it was in fact a dream at all.

Rewind

I was listening to one of my sessions with my mentor last night from about 5 years ago. I laughed and yet I shook my head in compassion for myself. If only I understood how to communicate better and saw the world with a more positive and kind lens, I would have been a much easier person to live with and happier with myself.

What a mother and wife I could have been... I can't be so hard on my self... "you do your best until you know better and then you can do better."

Oh my God, good sessions wash your brain of all the negativity and help you to transform and evolve... but listening to the tape was a good reminder because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. Who knows better than I?

But it was fun listening and thinking that I am not that woman now. I KNOW BETTER and can DO BETTER!

Peace out.