Awakening

I had some pretty intense and complicated dreams last night. So powerful that I can't even describe them. But when I awoke the very first thought that came to my mind was that I wished I could be like the woman in my dream. I just pulled the blanket over my head and felt sad for a moment.

And then I had this incredible A-HA moment when I realized that my Ego was telling me some story that was not true. I did not need to aspire to be the woman in the dream, I was already the woman in my dream, it was me. I am more of who I am than I ever let myself believe before.

That thought filled me with such joy. I got up and felt like I was "Rocky" and that I had just won the fight of my life.

Other than that, it was a fairly ordinary day.

Girl Scouts

I am dreaming a great deal about the past this weekend.

Last night I was dreaming that my husband found my old Girl Scout handbook. I was searching for information in the handbook during the dream, and I know perfectly well what I was looking for. I wanted to read about all of the badges and how to earn them. I spent so much time as a young girl with that handbook wanting to earn badges, but I always had a hard time earning them on my own. I did better when the whole troop worked together. I didn't know how to ask for help at home and some of the badges had items on them that were just to hard for me to do on my own. Guess I didn't have much confidence or support back then.

For some reason, over the years I have wanted to look back and see what I found so challenging, but I didn't have the handbook anymore. I just have the image in my head of sitting in our living room pouring over the book and wanting to be able to do more than I could. I wanted to be like most of the girls who went up to receive just about all the badges and then proudly displayed them on their sashes for all to see. I wanted to more of a part of it, instead of feeling like I was on the side lines.

So after dreaming last night, I got on e-bay this morning and put a bid on a handbook. My first ever bid on e-bay and not what I would have expected to bid on. But since I spent most of my dream searching the handbook, I am going to pay attention to the dream and spend some time in real life reading the handbook again to see if I can put some of these old issues to rest.

See, it does not matter how old you are, or how insignificant an issue may seem, there is always something to learn and heal about our selves.

Hope I win the bid!

Dream of lost friendship

Last night I had a dream that was filled with love, relief and anger. Still don't know how I feel about it. The dream centered around an old friend, whom I considered my best friend in high school and for years after that. It is a long story... but presently we haven't been friends for many years, even though I tried to re-connect to her a few times. Her life was just falling apart and she pushed people away from her, so I know not to take it personally, yet she pushed in very personal ways and it was very hurtful.

So last night I dreamed that she was back in town and coming over and spending a great deal of time at my house. It got to the point that I felt used. In the dream I remember thinking: " you stopped contact all of those years, but now you are here and expect me to cater to you and you are overstaying your welcome." I was afraid to vocalize that to her because I was afraid she would leave in anger and cut me off again.

There was a piece of the dream where I had a little daughter and her oldest daughter loved her and I loved seeing them together and I was so happy to have them connecting. It was such a mix of strong feelings that I could not find a balance. In a way it was everything I ever dreamed of in real life, that our friendship would be healed.. but at what cost to me if I am feeling used and put upon?

Well, it was a dream and I didn't have to find the balance in it, but when I woke up I knew that finding that balance in relationships in my real life has always been hard. Setting boundaries isn't always easy. When I think back to this friendship, I didn't set the boundaries very well. That was years ago....but I still need some more work in my life with boundaries. So the dream sent me a message and I realize I still struggle with these issues and will try to work on them.

Summer Dream

Summer is just about over and for the first time today, I heard Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts on the radio. Kinda late in the season, but still glad that I heard it.

Last night I had a dream that I met Paul Newman. I was at one of his movies and I ran into him in the lobby. I was the first one there and he was sitting on the floor incognito. In the dream he was as nice as could be to me and so it was a very sweet dream. I always wonder why I dream of a particular person or celeb. Not that I even think about Paul Newman in my day to day life.. but there he was in that dream and as dreams go, it was filled with good feelings.

Time Travel

Last night I was having a few dreams about my parents. But there was one dream that woke me up out of a sound sleep with such a heavy chest that I could barely breathe.

I was dreaming about Amy, Ron, and Carin F. from high school and we were in Grandma's farmhouse. I took Carin to the upstairs bathroom and I closed the door to tell her a secret. I told her that I remembered I had had this dream before, and I needed to take a break from the dream and do some time traveling.

I opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the hallway to the upstairs back door. I slowly opened the door and stood on the stoop and looked across the street to see my dad. He was across the street in his front yard putting vegetables on the stand. My mother was out there taking care of customers. He was so happy and he could walk and move. I wondered why we didn't have the vegetable stand anymore, and then remembered that it was because he is now 86 soon to be 87 and he is retired and he can barely walk around the house.

I stood on the stoop and just watched him under the trees and I began to wail and cry so hard that I was heaving and could barely breathe. I was crying because I knew his future and how he would have to give up what he loved and how lonely and unproductive his days were going to be not to mention the pain he would be facing on a daily basis.

I wailed so much in that dream that I woke myself up struggling for breath. The phone then rang and it was my sister. I wanted to tell her about the dream, so I tried to share a little, but not the full impact.

It was been a few years now that he has been so disabled and there has not been any break-through with his pain management. He just has to live with it day in and day out... and we visit and we kiss him hello and good-bye... and we try to make him laugh... but keep the emotions at bay.

Sometimes I think that all of the recent pain problems I am having are just sympathy pains for him. I can't make him better... there is nothing I can do for him to ease the pain for a minute.

So I take on his pain and go from doctor to doctor to see what the heck is wrong with me. There is no blood test, no x-ray or MRI that will diagnose this...

Time travel didn't seem so hard in that dream... I just opened the door. Traveling back not only to a place in time, but to feelings that I froze in time.