Girl Scouts

I am dreaming a great deal about the past this weekend.

Last night I was dreaming that my husband found my old Girl Scout handbook. I was searching for information in the handbook during the dream, and I know perfectly well what I was looking for. I wanted to read about all of the badges and how to earn them. I spent so much time as a young girl with that handbook wanting to earn badges, but I always had a hard time earning them on my own. I did better when the whole troop worked together. I didn't know how to ask for help at home and some of the badges had items on them that were just to hard for me to do on my own. Guess I didn't have much confidence or support back then.

For some reason, over the years I have wanted to look back and see what I found so challenging, but I didn't have the handbook anymore. I just have the image in my head of sitting in our living room pouring over the book and wanting to be able to do more than I could. I wanted to be like most of the girls who went up to receive just about all the badges and then proudly displayed them on their sashes for all to see. I wanted to more of a part of it, instead of feeling like I was on the side lines.

So after dreaming last night, I got on e-bay this morning and put a bid on a handbook. My first ever bid on e-bay and not what I would have expected to bid on. But since I spent most of my dream searching the handbook, I am going to pay attention to the dream and spend some time in real life reading the handbook again to see if I can put some of these old issues to rest.

See, it does not matter how old you are, or how insignificant an issue may seem, there is always something to learn and heal about our selves.

Hope I win the bid!

Dream of lost friendship

Last night I had a dream that was filled with love, relief and anger. Still don't know how I feel about it. The dream centered around an old friend, whom I considered my best friend in high school and for years after that. It is a long story... but presently we haven't been friends for many years, even though I tried to re-connect to her a few times. Her life was just falling apart and she pushed people away from her, so I know not to take it personally, yet she pushed in very personal ways and it was very hurtful.

So last night I dreamed that she was back in town and coming over and spending a great deal of time at my house. It got to the point that I felt used. In the dream I remember thinking: " you stopped contact all of those years, but now you are here and expect me to cater to you and you are overstaying your welcome." I was afraid to vocalize that to her because I was afraid she would leave in anger and cut me off again.

There was a piece of the dream where I had a little daughter and her oldest daughter loved her and I loved seeing them together and I was so happy to have them connecting. It was such a mix of strong feelings that I could not find a balance. In a way it was everything I ever dreamed of in real life, that our friendship would be healed.. but at what cost to me if I am feeling used and put upon?

Well, it was a dream and I didn't have to find the balance in it, but when I woke up I knew that finding that balance in relationships in my real life has always been hard. Setting boundaries isn't always easy. When I think back to this friendship, I didn't set the boundaries very well. That was years ago....but I still need some more work in my life with boundaries. So the dream sent me a message and I realize I still struggle with these issues and will try to work on them.

Thoughts about Blogging

I am reading so many blogs now and find myself thinking about all of these stranger friends during the day. So many people struggling to live a good and happy life day to day. Some with more demons to fight than others. It is like reading a few autobiographies all at the same time. When someone is behind in posting, I worry if things are OK.

I love it when I have visitors to my blog and know that people are reading, but it isn't my sole purpose for blogging, or else I would have given up months ago.

Some people put their hearts and souls into their blogs, but I tend not to do so. I am anxious to hit that publish button and get a post up. I don't take the time to sleep on the posts, edit and revise. So what started out as a place where I thought I would practice my writing skills, has turned into more of a free-flowing journal.

Maybe sometime I will find a focus and the blog will evolve, but for now it is just my little blog and I appreciate the folks that stop by and say hello sometimes.

It is a hot and humid night here, wishing I had a big cold ice cream cone like the ones at Twisted Sister on the Cape.

Not much of anything

It gets so dark so much earlier now. I miss the daylight hours already.

I was thinking about our time on Cape Cod this summer when I saw this photo of the kite flying in P-town. Very funny kite.

Tonight the crickets are loud and it is a calm, not too warm, not too cool kind of an evening. Fall is settling in and already I am thinking about the menu for Thanksgiving...

The Giving Tree

This is the maple tree out in my back yard that I can see from my kitchen window. It is the coolest spot on earth on a hot humid day. My husband calls it our outside air conditioned room, and we enjoy many afternoons under the tree sitting on our bench with cold glasses of lemonade.

We planted this tree when we moved into the house about 25 years ago. When I look at this picture I can't believe how big this tree is. It does not look that huge in real life, or maybe I see it so often everyday that I have stopped paying attention.

As we think about moving out of this house, it will be very hard to leave this magnificent tree behind as I have grown attached to it. Can't take it with us, but hopefully the next family that moves here will enjoy and appreciate it as we do.

For now, we aren't going anywhere and we will look forward to the leaves changing colors and falling off of the tree and of course all the raking we will be doing in the yard.

z

Juke Box

http://www.tropicalglen.com/

Check out this link. It plays songs from 1952- 1982.... and it is FREE!

It will play in the background so you can be doing other computer work on a different screen. Most years have about 40 songs. You can also pick out songs on the bottom of the screen according to genre.

Kick back and enjoy a blast from the past.

Do you have a favorite year?

Saturday musings

It is a Saturday and one that is relatively calm compared to the last 3 weekends. It felt good to get up and not have to race around to be somewhere or do a whirlwind cleaning spree. We are going to a friend's house for dinner later, but for now I can be the homebody I like to be.

Husband went off the fairgrounds to enter his photos and paintings into the competition. He is so funny about it. He takes it very seriously, which gives me something to tease him about.

I haven't been reading as much lately as I spend the free time I have in the blogosphere. So I started reading The Short Bus, by Jonathan Mooney. I have seen Jonathan speak a couple of times now. He is dyslexic and learning disabled and didn't learn to read until he was 12 years old. He then went on to overcome his disability and graduated from Brown University with a degree in English Literature. He inspires so many kids and gives hope to so many parents. I highly recommend his books, but if you can see him in person, do so as he is a fantastic speaker.

Chicken is roasting in the oven, house quiet... time to go and pick up my book for a while.

Au Revoir

Good-bye summer.... where did you go?

Thursday night musings

I went in for a full body massage this evening. I had been trying to go every month, so it felt good to be back again. Until she starts to work on me, I don't realize all the knots that I have. It is so good to have them worked out! I came home nice and relaxed and it felt like a Friday night. But one more day until the weekend! Can't complain too much, as the week went by pretty quickly.

The weather warmed up today and it feels like summer again. It feels good.

Most mornings when I go to work, I have to stop for the cow crossings. It only takes a couple of minutes, but I love that I can sit in my car and watch them go across the street to the other field. I am so lucky I have only a 10 minute commute and don't have to be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on a highway everyday.

It is the little things to be grateful for that make a life sweet.

Keynote event

I am coordinating a huge event at work. We are having the daughter of a legendary sports figure come and talk to the kids about character traits. We are renting out a hotel for the morning and are expecting up to 400 people.

After the event we are having stations for the kids so that they can play some games and get autographs. I have never coordinated this type of event before so I am getting kind of nervous about it. I am working with a team of people, but I am the one who has been working on all the details and writing up the agenda and dealing with the hotel. So I am hoping for the best outcome possible. And to top it off all the bosses from corporate will be there as well.

So far the anxiety hasn't built up to the point where I can't sleep, but as it draws closer, it might. I am trying so hard to stay balanced with this whole thing. I know for certain that there will be glitches that we can't foresee, and I will have to let go of obsessing about them when they do happen.

My husband is taking the day off to help set up and be the event photographer.

The truth be told, my knee is in very bad shape. Dancing did me a lot of harm. I am worried that my knee won't hold out for this event, I asked him if he would come and help me to pull it off, and he agreed. He is a good guy that way.... and maybe he will just take that photo that will bring home the blue ribbon at the fair next year.

Abbey

My sister's dog, Abbey needed to be put down yesterday. She was 12 years old and was suffering from liver cancer.

It is so sad to lose a pet as they become part of our families and extended families as well.

Abbey was a good dog,lived a long life and most importantly she was very loved.

Re-connecting

It has been a busy weekend so far. Friday night, my son and his girlfriend came down from college and my older son and his girlfriend stopped by and we ordered pizza and had a nice evening together. I love when both the boys are around. I love how they have become good friends over the years.

Today we were so busy cooking and cleaning for a small family dinner party. My husband's cousin was here from Colorado. We haven't seen her for 30 years. Why the first time I met her was at her wedding and we haven't seen them since. She came East to spend time with my mother in law who is her deceased dad's sister. I think she is searching for some family history that will help her deal with her dad's passing.

My mother in law took her to the house on the vineyard where she and her brother spent their summers 60 years ago. They knocked on the door and the owners let them in to take a tour of the house. Lo and behold, much of the furniture was still in place as it was when my mother in law was a child. I know that meant a great deal to her, as she is in her 80's now and lately she has been talking about wanting to go home to the Vineyard. So she actually got to spend some time in her home from long ago.

Dinner was actually a big hit. Grilled chicken and salmon,pasta and pesto(made from our garden fresh basil), broccoli, and salad. My brother in law brought a pumpkin cheesecake for dessert. Everyone ate heartily and raved about the food.

I was worried about how it would go tonight, but it went so well. My mother in law was thrilled to have her kids and grandkids and her niece all together under one roof after 30 years. There has been too little family time on my husband's side of the family. On my side, my cousins are all close and have many memories that we have shared over the years.

When we kissed our long lost cousin good-bye, we promised that we would try to get together again soon and promised that we would not let another 30 years pass.

It will be interesting to see if we can keep that promise.

To Read or Not to Read

I was reading a poll on some one's blog asking if you allow your spouse, romantic interests, or other family members to read your blog. Most people said NO. I sort of get that, but for me, I do allow and want my spouse to read my blog. It gets e-mailed to him, so it is in his face every day. My sons have my blog address. The younger one doesn't bother checking unless I write about him and ask him to approve. The older one checks it sometimes.

I try to be careful and want to stay anonymous. I notice lots of people don't, though.

I don't want any other family members or my friends to read my blog. I think that if I thought about who was reading it, I would tailor it to them or censor myself and I don't want to do that. The bottom line is that this blog is for me. I put things in here that I want to remember and I enjoy going back and reading my old posts.

So I haven't really mentioned that I have a blog to my friends, because I know that if I mention it, people would want to visit it. And I love to have visitors, but only people that I don't know in person. That is sort of odd, isn't it? The blog is on the INTERNET... anyone can see it, but I think I can control it.


So I am curious, do you tell your family and friends about your blog? Do they read it?

Fair Time

It is that time of the year again, time for the Country Fair at the end of the month. My husband is getting all of his entries ready to put into the fair. He has his photographs all enlarged and will be matting them, and he just finished his painting tonight for the acrylic category. He will be framing that one so it will be good to go. He has been entering the photography for a few years now. He hasn't one any blue ribbons yet, but he keeps on trying. I think he may have 2rd place and honorable mentions for his pictures. There is so much competition and some people are professional photographers, so that makes it really tough to win.

He just started painting last year and boy has he come a long way! I am very happy he decided to pursue it, because I always knew he had the talent. It does run in his family, as his grandmother and his great aunt were well known Impressionist painters. I think in the back of his mind he knew he would put his mind to it. His mom has a great deal of artistic talent, but she never really allowed herself to pursue it. It is hard to compete with ghosts. It is sad, she didn't try it at the very least for her own enjoyment.

So last year was the first time he entered a painting and he came in third place. He is still hoping for that big prize of the blue ribbon and a check for $10.00.

My best friend just started entering her paintings and thank goodness she paints in oil, so they aren't competing against one another. Our other friend is a long time blue ribbon winner in the baking and herbs categories. And me? I am not so interested in competing and every year they all bug me to enter something, but I never do.

When I get to the fair and see all the ribbons and the cooking and the arts and crafts, I am sorry that I didn't try. I don't have the drive for those ribbons, I guess.

And just think what I could do with $10.00 if I did!

Photo by the husband.

Musings

The news is full of coverage of Britney Spears and Kathy Griffin.

I am too old to be a Britney fan and I didn't watch the awards show, but have seen the clips. She looked like Dead Woman Dancing. Emotionally dead, I mean. I feel sorry for her. She needs help, she needs to get out of the limelight and get down to earth for the sake of her sanity and her sons. I hate how she allows the media to exploit her.

Kathy Griffin is so funny. I love her show, Life on the D-List. She won an Emmy for the show. I read about her acceptance speech and thought it was funny and now they want to bleep it out. She did a spoof on how everyone always thanks God when they win, so she said her award is her God. She talks about being brought up Catholic and how she went to church to light candles when her dad was sick. She doesn't denounce religion at all. It was just a joke, and I do think God has a sense of humor.

Under the Moon and the Stars

Yesterday we went to my niece's wedding and it was the most magical and moving ceremony that I have ever attended. My niece and her now husband have a deep and abiding love for one another and also of nature and the great out doors. They claim that they fell in love under the moon and stars as so much of their time together has been spent camping, hiking,and mountain climbing so they wanted to celebrate their union in nature.

They picked a spot nestled in the northeast hills of our state, an estate with 160 acres filled with sun flowers, English gardens, apple trees, tomato gardens, and a 100 year old barn for the reception.

They were married high on a hill top under the pergola with beautiful weather making for a picture perfect day. Little did we know that by late afternoon the whole area was under a severe thunder storm warning, and that all the areas around us had heavy rainstorms. For some miraculous reason, it never rained even one drop at the estate, which made for a wonderful evening in and out of the barn and walking around the estate guided by candles and torch lights.

The processional started down by the country cottage and was led by a bagpiper all the way up to the pergola. There is just something about bagpipes that fills my heart with reverence. It was a fairytale entrance, every young girl's dream, and it gave me the healing kind of chills up and down my spine.

The wedding ceremony was officiated by the groom's uncle and it was rooted in a Native American spirituality which included recognition of scared space, a candle ceremony to honor the elders, and a sand ceremony to recognize the influence of all the parents. It was so beautiful, moving, and filled with heart and soul.

Before the bride and groom exchanged their vows they spent a great amount of time just talking to one another about their love, relationship, and their future. And as they gazed into one another's eyes we noticed monarch butterflies fluttering about as if they knew how to make an appearance on cue.

After the ceremony, the bride and groom wanted a family and friends photo of everyone in attendance. As we were assembled on the hillside we all took a moment to witness the hawk that was soaring high in the clouds over our heads.

The rest of the evening was spent partying up a storm in the old barn, and walking the grounds in the glow of the candlelight.

The most enjoyable part of the evening was watching my sons and their cousins and how much fun they were having. They were out on the dance floor the entire night, having a ball. My aching joints have kept me from getting out on the dance floor the past couple of years, but as the night was coming to a close, I decided that I hurt anyways... so what's more pain? I got out on the dance floor for a fast dance with a couple of the kids, and then my husband came and the rest of the family came out and we danced and sang and had a ball.

I could see my husband's eyes get misty and I knew it was because the whole family was out on the dance floor together. My younger son lit up when he saw me out there and he came over to hug me and tell me he was so happy to see me have fun again. I didn't sit down until the wedding was over.

It was a feel good kind of day all around. Family, music, love, good food, nature, ambiance, hugs, kisses, connections, healing, candle light, dancing, crying, laughing, singing, unity, commitment, prayers,vows, sunlight, moonlight, stars, grateful, blessings... many, many blessings...

Friday night review

Getting ready to leave for my niece's wedding tomorrow. She is getting married outside on an estate with English gardens. It sounds like it will be beautiful. Hope the weather holds out.

End of another work week and it went pretty well. I am trying very hard to stay positive about the job and concentrating on what works well for me so that I don't get into the tail spin I was caught in last spring. So far it is seems to be working.

I have to remember that I can change my mind about a situation and that works as well as changing the situation itself for some things! Changing my perceptions about things can make me happier! I am all for that.

Well, I have tons of packing to do and laundry.

Good night blogger friends...

Talk of the Town

Very interesting reactions about the hair today. The kids didn't seem to notice, I think because it isn't that drastic a change. So that was good. One person came up to me and asked if I had a hair cut, she couldn't figure what was different.

One much younger colleague saw me and went all wild about how beautiful my hair looked today and asked how I got it that color. She said she wanted to tell her mom about it. So that is exactly the reaction I didn't want to get.... she sort of was saying she didn't like the white hair on me or her mother! A few others said they liked it, too.

Well, I do believe that hair color is most likely bad for our health, and I thought I was just plain stupid for sitting there with chemicals on my head again.

One thing I did forget to mention in the post last night, is that when I stopped coloring my hair, I would have dreams where my hair would be black like when I was younger and I was so happy to see my dark hair again. I would be a little sad when I would wake up and not have my dark hair. So that is what it is to get older... who knew that losing hair color would have such an effect on me that I would dream about it and morn it.

There are little losses in all of our lives that help us to prepare for bigger losses that will come our way. It is what life is all about... To quote my son when he was a little boy, " Mommy, I think life is all about hellos and good-byes."

Does She or Doesn't She? Only her hairdresser knows for sure

In my early 30's my hairdresser talked me into coloring my hair. I wasn't planning on it, but she convinced me to try it and well, once you do, it is so hard to let it grow out, especially with dark hair. So I continued to color it, and every so often, I would bring up letting the color grow out and the hairdresser would go on and on about how I would looked washed out and I would hate it. So it took me awhile before I took charge of my hair and did what I wanted to do, instead of listening to her negativity. Of course if I stopped coloring my hair, she would also lose income, and I was sure that was a factor for her talking me out of it.

The transformation from a brunette to gray(or completely white hair) was a very interesting one. The kids at school were the first ones to comment. One boy pulled me aside when the white hair was really starting to show and said, "Ms. I am sorry that you are getting old." I laughed and explained to him that I was still the same age, and if my hair were turning purple, I would still be the same age.

A couple of the autistic children stopped talking to me because they no longer recognized me. When I "re-introduced" myself to one of the girls, she went on about how I got old. Her teacher quickly shushed her fearing that she was embarrassing me, but I wasn't embarrassed, because I was still the same age.

Our culture equates gray hair with oldness, and there are many people who are not old with gray hair. People believe that old and gray go together like horse and carriage. Well, it does... and it doesn't.

When I was going through my transformation, it was about the time that Taylor Hicks was on American Idol and he was getting flack for his gray hair. He did not succumb to the pressure to dye it completely, and he was a good example of a young person with gray hair and boy did I talk that up with the kids.

When my hair finally turned to white, many women complimented me on it, saying that if they could be sure their hair would look as good, they would stop coloring it in a minute. Some of the women who made those comments were gorgeous women who would be beautiful no matter what color their hair was... but they did not believe in themselves enough to know that.

A friend of mine is married to a woman whose hair turned white in her early 20's and she decided not to color it. She loved that I was natural now and shared with me how when her kids were little, a teacher told her to color her hair because she was embarrassing her children by looking so old. Her kids never knew her without white hair and didn't really notice it. It wasn't an issue for them, but it sure it was one for the teacher it seems.

So after 2 years of this transformation and enlightenment all do to having my hair go natural... I decided to get it low-lighted tonight. Not sure why... just needed a change. It wasn't to make me feel younger, because nothing would make me feel younger. So there I sat while the hairdresser pulled my hair out of a little cap and then painted chemicals on it. All the while the smell made me sick just like it used to, and then I sat under a steamer that made my eyes burn while waiting for the hair to process. I then remembered what I hated about having my hair colored....

The hairdresser was satisfied with the end result, but I don't think it looks that good. Sort of looks like dirty hair if you ask me. I think she should have gone darker, which is what I wanted, but she was scared to try it the first time so dark.

So tomorrow I go into work. Will the autistic children not recognize me again? Will they think I have become younger? Will anyone notice at all?

And what really makes me feel old is the title of this post, how many of you remember that commercial?

Back Story

My son is all settled into his dorm. I love being on his campus. It is nestled in the hills of Vermont where the scenery is breath taking, and it has beautiful old buildings that give the place a sense of reverence. The town is so small that the college makes up most of the population. It is such a sleepy little place that the drugstore is closed on the weekends. It sure makes for some traveling if you really are in need of pharmaceutical supplies.

Whenever I take him back, it reminds me of how much I wanted to live away at college when I was younger. My parents didn't have strong beliefs about higher education for their daughters. They only saw marriage in our futures. I on the other hand wanted to go away to school so badly. I used to sit with my older cousins for hours on end and listen to all of their stories about college life and I knew that was for me. As attached as I was to the family farm, there was something calling to me that there was something bigger out in the world and that maybe I was able to do something more with my life.

Yesterday, I was remembering the day all of my friends took off for college and I was left behind. I went around on my bike saying good-bye to all of them and then raced home where I dissolved into tears because it was so hard to say good-bye to them and because I felt destined to stay docked to the port forever.

While I did finally enroll in a community college training program, it was never the same as if I had gone away.

I got married right after I graduated with my Associates degree in hand and then my husband became one of my biggest supports in continuing my education.

I took a course or two while raising my kids, but was often overwhelmed with juggling school, kids, and working. So there were times that I lost my drive and did not take any courses and just let it ride.

When my older son was about 9 years old he came to me with some of his allowance and told me that he wanted me to have it so that I could finish college. He must have heard me lamenting about classes to someone and wanted to help his dear old mother out. It was just the sweetest gesture ever, and I promised him and myself that I would go back again and not stop until I got that degree. I was about 40 years old when I got my bachelors degree, but I did it.

For many years I had a lot of angst about the whole college thing... would of, could of... should of... but now it is all gone.

Whirl Pool Heaven

The hardest thing about the summer ending is the closing up of our above ground pool. We have had the pool now for over 20 years and it is amazing it is still standing. Every summer my husband announces it will be the last season for the pool as it is on its last legs and he is very tired of the pool maintenance. But luckily there it is still beckoning to me out in the back yard. I am so glad that is has survived so many years as it saves us a spat over replacing it.

My pool is my haven, it is where I go to cool off, relax, de-stress and the only place I feel connected to my body. I have a kick board that I bought when we got the pool and it is my favorite thing to use in the pool. Round and round kick, kick, kick. Then diving down til my body touches the bottom of the pool and I stretch out and pretend that I am scuba diving with my goggles in place, and back up again for air. And last but not least, floating on my back looking up at all the clouds as the whirl pool takes me around and around and sometimes so fast that I smash into the ladder. LoL

Last summer I was very faithful about spending one hour a day swimming and I loved how good it made me feel and how toned I became. This summer a late opening of the pool made me really lose precious pool time, and too many rainy and chilly days limited usage.

I am glad I had time to jump into the pool today. It was perfect when the sun was out, but chilly as the clouds took over the sky. I have too many chores today to get back in it later, and we are leaving tomorrow for the rest of the weekend. Today may be the last time I get in for this season. I savored every minute, just in case.

The pool is one of my favorite past-times. Relaxing in those whirl pools brings me so much comfort that everything feels safe and good with my life and the world, even when it isn't.

See You in September

School started around here on Wednesday, earlier in the week the malls were packed with moms and kids buying clothes and getting haircuts. My hair dresser was so busy she didn't have time to blow dry my hair the other night. She said that August is their busiest time, more appointments than around the holidays. Nothing like a fresh haircut to make you feel ready to face the world.

We take my youngest son to college to tomorrow. Well, he is pretty much taking himself, but we go along with the extra car filled to the brim and extra hands to help him get all of his stuff up four flights to his room.

Going to college was his dream. He has overcome many challenges in his life from pretty severe learning disabilities, but always worked so hard to rise above them. In any event, he has become a strong advocate for himself, and a mentor to other kids who struggle.

It feels like fall here, the car windshield is filled with dew every morning, the cool nights, and the leaves are beginning to turn shades of yellow, red, and orange. The holidays feel like they are right around the corner, and the air is full of new school year resolutions.

A little heaviness hangs in my heart as I come to accept that summer has left town and the colder weather will soon be upon us.