Happy Halloween

Slow Halloween night. Maybe about 50 kids came, usually double I would say. Balmy here, so the weather was good. I did not recognize one family. All the kids I used to know have grown up and moved on (including mine). Lots of folks drive to our neighborhood from downtown and trick or treat here. I was glad for less kids so I could do other things besides answer the door all night.

Meet some friends from my old job for breakfast this morning and that was good. I worked at my old job for 10 years and have been gone for 10 years. I am so glad I was able to keep in touch with them. I enjoy their company and we have some good memories.

She's so h e a v y...

So I went on my business trip 3 days after the wedding. After a full day of meetings we were expected to go to dinner with everyone. My colleagues were from all over the country, some I have met before and some I met for the first time that day.

Dinner was good, great food and I was feeling comfortable. As the waiter was clearing the dishes from dinner and asking who wanted dessert, one of my colleagues (who I had met before)pointed at me and said, "Ask her she has an eating disorder." I was mortified. This particular guy had been making lots of inappropriate cracks all day and evening, mostly so far out that they were outrageous. But now he was hitting me close to home. I didn't even know what he meant. Does he believe that anorexia was the only eating disorder there was and because I am heavy, it would be funny? I didn't laugh and I ignored him, but part of me wanted to say, "Yes, I do have an eating disorder and that is not funny." But of course I didn't and would not. He kind of looked at me waiting for me to say"something."

I felt bad that he did that, and remembered that is exactly why I don't like being with people socially because there is always talk of weight and losing weight and how uncomfortable it makes me. When I was younger, I was always made fun of or lectured at in social situations. It always made me angry and I guess I would just slither off into my room and cry and probably eat more because I felt so bad about myself.

This time I didn't have the feelings hit me in my core. I can't explain it other than to say, I was able to shrug it off and that made me feel like I had made some progress. Maybe a tougher skin, at last?

When I got back to work the next week there is a flier in my mail box about a weight loss program that they are doing at work and how they want everyone to join and it was based on a popular weight loss television show. My heart sank. I would never be comfortable trying to lose weight with my co-workers. I felt ashamed and I wanted to hide. No one out right asked me to participate, maybe they knew better. I did hear one male co-worker ask another female co-worker if she was going to join and I heard her get all insulted saying back to him, "Don't you know that you never ask a lady about her weight?" She is a young one who is very athletic and very thin. Why would he ask her?

Some people clearly don't need to lose one ounce, mostly the young females, but they are involved. Oh you know, it is all in the name of health, but there is nothing mentally healthy about it. At 8:00 A.M. one morning I had a co-worker singing a made up theme song about the show outside my door. When I got up to shut the door, he apologized. But I think he was apologizing for being so loud. Don't know.

We have more than one building on the campus. One building is not participating. In that building is a co-worker who has a child with a serious eating disorder and my co-worker has railed against such programs in the workplace. A couple of years ago when they tried to institute a weight loss program, she was very vocal about it and it was stopped. She said many staff members came to her expressing their discomfort. Some disclosed their own battles with eating disorders and did not want to have to come to work and have to listen to it all day long and feel self conscious when they were eating.

She is feeling bad for me that my building is promoting this, all in the name of team work commitment and health. She wants to go and talk to someone but not use my name. She said she was so upset she was crying about it. I felt so awful. I did not want her to be so upset for me. I am an adult and I feel I have to learn to deal with things that make me uncomfortable, or learn to advocate for myself. I don't know if there are others in my building who feel as uncomfortable as I do, as I would not be bringing it up. And if there are other people who are uncomfortable, is that reason enough to try to put an end to it when there are people who want to do it?

I hate feeling like this and I know if i was just normal with food, none of this would bother me. But I am not normal with food. I am a compulsive over eater who is not able to get a handle on it at this point in my life. Other times I have. But this issue has affected my life in a negative way since I was five years old. I am almost 60 and still the same issue. It is said that we make our own misery and I agree and I am sick of it.

Nuptials

Sunday, the weather was just beautiful and we were able to have the ceremony and cocktails outside just like we had hoped. Everything went so well. Better than I could have ever imagined. We all had so much fun. The dance floor was full most of the night.

The bride was smiling all night long. Everyone commented on how they never saw a bride smile so much. My son was pretty happy, too! They danced all night long as well.

Our guests were raving about the food, the flowers, and even the wait staff! I don't think we could have asked for anything better, things were just perfect.

My knee held up pretty well! I was on the dance floor just about the whole night, too! ME! With the bad knee. The next morning it was throbbing so I just went down to the hot tub and boy did that help me so much. I saw my massage therapist again on Tuesday for a Feldenkrais lesson and she said my muscles were unusually relaxed. So being happy and dancing is really relaxing!

I really tried to enjoy the wedding as it was happening and while it did go by fast, not so fast that the evening got away from us.

The DJ played a half hour longer than we planned because everyone was having a great time.

My cousin who had been so ill from chemo made it! And she looked great!

We are still on a wedding high and my sisters and I can't stop talking about it!

It is a beautiful day for a wedding!

Hotel lounge
Out door ceremonies done here.
View from Hotel Room

Still chillin'

I got up this morning to the smell of homemade pumpkin bread in the oven. The husband was up early and got busy in the kitchen. I am now enjoying a piece right out of the oven with a hot cup of tea. A perfect way to start an October morning.

Yesterday's massage was so relaxing. I haven't had one in a long while and I needed one. My massage therapist works on a 93 year old man who has been having massages once a week for the past 46 years. I would like to be able to schedule them weekly, but maybe I will start with once a month. I can't quite get to the place where I feel I would deserve them once a month, let alone once a week.

I am heading down to the hotel tonight to stay overnight. The bride and her mom will be there so we will have an opportunity to hang out and relax. But first I am off to get a manicure!

And closer

I took the day off today to spend some time with myself. I am going to get my hair trimmed, pack my suitcase for the weekend, and get a massage this afternoon. I am glad I decided to take the time. I usually give back all my personal time because I am so busy at work, but I am changing that this year!

It was a good news day yesterday. My father in law got out of intensive care a few days ago and is now in rehab and very motivated to work on his therapies. Although he can't be with us at the wedding it is a relief to know that he has improved so much and will be OK while we are there.

One of my relatives has been having terrible side effects to her chemo and coming to the wedding was not looking very good. She is doing much better and has full intention of coming on Sunday! Just to hear how much stronger she sounded on the phone last night made me so happy. We have always been very close and now she will be able to share our happy occasion.

We are keeping our eyes on the weather, if it is nice outside they will be getting married outside on the peer by the CT river. If the temperature is below 65 degrees they have to be inside because it will be too cool for the musical instruments. So we are asking for a nice sunny day with the temperature above 65 degrees.

Last night The Office TV show had Jim and Pam's wedding. I enjoyed the ending very much, the rest of it was outrageous as always but still had very comical moments.

Well, I could end up on this computer all day, but I want to really get stuff done, so I will check in tomorrow!

One week to go

One week from today will be my son's wedding day. It doesn't seem real to me. I know this week will fly by and so will the event. I am working on staying grounded, which is not easy for me. I am a high anxiety kind of person. So I am re- reading some of my books that remind me not to let my thoughts drive me crazy! I have a great deal of good advice at my fingertips, but it is putting it all into practice that is the challenge!

Two days after the wedding I have to go to Delaware for a work meeting with all the people who do my job in our programs around the country. We all were asked to make presentations. I do not enjoy these types of event at all. My retired husband offered to drive me down there, which I am so grateful for! He will go off and take photographs and sight see while I am working.

It will be a long day of presentations and then a dinner that we are required to attend. I have never been to Delaware, so that will be a new experience for me. I just wish it wasn't so close to the wedding. Too much for me to have on my mind for the same week. This old brain can't take so many things pending.