So I went on my business trip 3 days after the wedding. After a full day of meetings we were expected to go to dinner with everyone. My colleagues were from all over the country, some I have met before and some I met for the first time that day.
Dinner was good, great food and I was feeling comfortable. As the waiter was clearing the dishes from dinner and asking who wanted dessert, one of my colleagues (who I had met before)pointed at me and said, "Ask her she has an eating disorder." I was mortified. This particular guy had been making lots of inappropriate cracks all day and evening, mostly so far out that they were outrageous. But now he was hitting me close to home. I didn't even know what he meant. Does he believe that anorexia was the only eating disorder there was and because I am heavy, it would be funny? I didn't laugh and I ignored him, but part of me wanted to say, "Yes, I do have an eating disorder and that is not funny." But of course I didn't and would not. He kind of looked at me waiting for me to say"something."
I felt bad that he did that, and remembered that is exactly why I don't like being with people socially because there is always talk of weight and losing weight and how uncomfortable it makes me. When I was younger, I was always made fun of or lectured at in social situations. It always made me angry and I guess I would just slither off into my room and cry and probably eat more because I felt so bad about myself.
This time I didn't have the feelings hit me in my core. I can't explain it other than to say, I was able to shrug it off and that made me feel like I had made some progress. Maybe a tougher skin, at last?
When I got back to work the next week there is a flier in my mail box about a weight loss program that they are doing at work and how they want everyone to join and it was based on a popular weight loss television show. My heart sank. I would never be comfortable trying to lose weight with my co-workers. I felt ashamed and I wanted to hide. No one out right asked me to participate, maybe they knew better. I did hear one male co-worker ask another female co-worker if she was going to join and I heard her get all insulted saying back to him, "Don't you know that you never ask a lady about her weight?" She is a young one who is very athletic and very thin. Why would he ask her?
Some people clearly don't need to lose one ounce, mostly the young females, but they are involved. Oh you know, it is all in the name of health, but there is nothing mentally healthy about it. At 8:00 A.M. one morning I had a co-worker singing a made up theme song about the show outside my door. When I got up to shut the door, he apologized. But I think he was apologizing for being so loud. Don't know.
We have more than one building on the campus. One building is not participating. In that building is a co-worker who has a child with a serious eating disorder and my co-worker has railed against such programs in the workplace. A couple of years ago when they tried to institute a weight loss program, she was very vocal about it and it was stopped. She said many staff members came to her expressing their discomfort. Some disclosed their own battles with eating disorders and did not want to have to come to work and have to listen to it all day long and feel self conscious when they were eating.
She is feeling bad for me that my building is promoting this, all in the name of team work commitment and health. She wants to go and talk to someone but not use my name. She said she was so upset she was crying about it. I felt so awful. I did not want her to be so upset for me. I am an adult and I feel I have to learn to deal with things that make me uncomfortable, or learn to advocate for myself. I don't know if there are others in my building who feel as uncomfortable as I do, as I would not be bringing it up. And if there are other people who are uncomfortable, is that reason enough to try to put an end to it when there are people who want to do it?
I hate feeling like this and I know if i was just normal with food, none of this would bother me. But I am not normal with food. I am a compulsive over eater who is not able to get a handle on it at this point in my life. Other times I have. But this issue has affected my life in a negative way since I was five years old. I am almost 60 and still the same issue. It is said that we make our own misery and I agree and I am sick of it.
Dinner was good, great food and I was feeling comfortable. As the waiter was clearing the dishes from dinner and asking who wanted dessert, one of my colleagues (who I had met before)pointed at me and said, "Ask her she has an eating disorder." I was mortified. This particular guy had been making lots of inappropriate cracks all day and evening, mostly so far out that they were outrageous. But now he was hitting me close to home. I didn't even know what he meant. Does he believe that anorexia was the only eating disorder there was and because I am heavy, it would be funny? I didn't laugh and I ignored him, but part of me wanted to say, "Yes, I do have an eating disorder and that is not funny." But of course I didn't and would not. He kind of looked at me waiting for me to say"something."
I felt bad that he did that, and remembered that is exactly why I don't like being with people socially because there is always talk of weight and losing weight and how uncomfortable it makes me. When I was younger, I was always made fun of or lectured at in social situations. It always made me angry and I guess I would just slither off into my room and cry and probably eat more because I felt so bad about myself.
This time I didn't have the feelings hit me in my core. I can't explain it other than to say, I was able to shrug it off and that made me feel like I had made some progress. Maybe a tougher skin, at last?
When I got back to work the next week there is a flier in my mail box about a weight loss program that they are doing at work and how they want everyone to join and it was based on a popular weight loss television show. My heart sank. I would never be comfortable trying to lose weight with my co-workers. I felt ashamed and I wanted to hide. No one out right asked me to participate, maybe they knew better. I did hear one male co-worker ask another female co-worker if she was going to join and I heard her get all insulted saying back to him, "Don't you know that you never ask a lady about her weight?" She is a young one who is very athletic and very thin. Why would he ask her?
Some people clearly don't need to lose one ounce, mostly the young females, but they are involved. Oh you know, it is all in the name of health, but there is nothing mentally healthy about it. At 8:00 A.M. one morning I had a co-worker singing a made up theme song about the show outside my door. When I got up to shut the door, he apologized. But I think he was apologizing for being so loud. Don't know.
We have more than one building on the campus. One building is not participating. In that building is a co-worker who has a child with a serious eating disorder and my co-worker has railed against such programs in the workplace. A couple of years ago when they tried to institute a weight loss program, she was very vocal about it and it was stopped. She said many staff members came to her expressing their discomfort. Some disclosed their own battles with eating disorders and did not want to have to come to work and have to listen to it all day long and feel self conscious when they were eating.
She is feeling bad for me that my building is promoting this, all in the name of team work commitment and health. She wants to go and talk to someone but not use my name. She said she was so upset she was crying about it. I felt so awful. I did not want her to be so upset for me. I am an adult and I feel I have to learn to deal with things that make me uncomfortable, or learn to advocate for myself. I don't know if there are others in my building who feel as uncomfortable as I do, as I would not be bringing it up. And if there are other people who are uncomfortable, is that reason enough to try to put an end to it when there are people who want to do it?
I hate feeling like this and I know if i was just normal with food, none of this would bother me. But I am not normal with food. I am a compulsive over eater who is not able to get a handle on it at this point in my life. Other times I have. But this issue has affected my life in a negative way since I was five years old. I am almost 60 and still the same issue. It is said that we make our own misery and I agree and I am sick of it.
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5 comments:
I'm in a similar boat, but am ALMOST at a point where I am comfortable with myself. I exercise a lot, I'm active, and I'm happy. Of course, it took my having ovarian cancer to get me here. I hope you will find this place as well.
As for that person at your table -- his comment was socially unacceptable on so many levels and that reflects on him -- not on you. I hope you at least gave him a withering look.
I'm feeling very annoyed on your account. My guess is that your company may say they are doing it for health and team building . . . but the real motive is bottom line costs. They think they can cut their insurance costs if they coerce people into losing weight. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this sort of pressure.
And what that man said at dinner is totally unacceptable.
Ahh, my friend. Big hugs! I feel the same way. I am constantly given info on the latest diet fad or told what is healthier for me. I'm not awful with food, though I definitely have my moments. My weight issue is from a multitude of areas, including a bad thyroid. But hey, people see me and think: fat, lazy, worthless. Add in my tattoos and the fact that I stay home with my kids and people through in all sorts of other opinions.
You are a good woman who loves well and is loved. Remember that.
People are asses. Plain and simple.
I am sorry that this stressor has been laid on at your workplace. We all do the best we can, but, darn it, temptation is everywhere we turn. I gained 25 pounds during my 25 years at work. because people brought in goodies ALL the time and I couldn't resist. I always wondered what happened to this one woman I noticed. She was reed-slim but all she ever ate for lunch was desserts.
I know you are not soliciting advice, you are older than me and way wiser. However, having said that....(you knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut, right)
I have been fat, and I have been too thin. For me, too thin is better. Now, I am a healthy, normal - according to dr's-weight. This is what I have learned...
It does not matter what size I actuallly AM, all that matter is what size I SEE myself at. NO matter how small I am, in my head, I am fat. How screwed up is that?
I wish so much that you could realize that it's not on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside....to anyone that has a heart, at least. And I think you're perfect.
I wish for you and for me, and every other woman on the planet, that we could just learn to be happy with US. Impossible? Probably.
Hang in and have a happy day. Hugs.
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