Weekend update

On Friday my mother in law had her 90th birthday party. It wasn't at any fancy restaurant like we had planned but considering what she had been through with her accident she was lucky to be alive. We brought her favorite sword fish dinner from a local restaurant and cake to a dining room at the rehab center and she had all of her children and a couple of her grandchildren with her. 

Because I have been undergoing chemo, I have been staying away from hospitals and rehab centers so that I could stay as healthy as possible. My oncology nurse thought it was fine for me to attend the birthday party though. She said as long as I stayed out of patients rooms and went straight into the dining room and practiced good hand washing that I should be fine. It is important to be a part of family functions especially a milestone birthday.

So it all turned out just fine. She was surprised that I was able to come and she so enjoyed her dinner and the company of her family. I was happy to finally see her and thought that she was doing very well with her recovery. She will stay at rehab a while longer, but she is just fine with that. She is one strong woman and I  don't believe this accident will set her back too much. At least that is how it looks now.

Saturday night we took my mom out for dinner and a stop at the cemetery on the way home.

So that was our weekend. Hanging out with the elders. I know it made them happy to have our company so we were pleased to do it!

Off the top of my head

The other day I was hanging around the house and I needed to run an errand. I got into my car and was about to pull out of the driveway and I realized, no wig or hat on my head.  There I was ready to take off and go with my bald head. I didn't feel like going back into the house to get a hat, and considered just taking off like that. But I have this issue that my bald head might make other people uncomfortable.  So  I searched the car and found I had a hat stashed in there and I thew it on, relieved I didn't have to run back into the house.

I have decided that for the most part I can go driving around town bald headed in my car, but if I need to go into a store I will put on a hat. I don't like having to hide my head, but I know people will just stare at me if I were to walk around completely bald and I will feel self conscious. As it is, when I have a hat on, I get looks. It is obvious here is no hair under there.

So I wasn't too surprised last night when I had a dream that I had lunch with a friend and then went on a job interview and in the middle of the interview I realized I was bald headed. In the dream, I was in a panic when I realized I forgot my wig. I woke up.  I remembered how comfortable I felt in real life when I walked out the door with nothing on my head and sort of wondered why this made its' way into my dream. Did I need to remind myself  not to get too comfortable because I could make big faux pas?
  
I want to be braver. I want to be like Demi Moore on the red carpet with her completely bald head when she was in the G. I. Jane movie. Of course I am no Demi Moore, I am not on the red carpet promoting a movie.

But I will continue to push the envelope a little bit in little ways when I can.

Later in the day

It was a tough weekend end because I was fighting to keep my attitude positive. But like my therapist said, if I wasn't overwhelmed and discouraged this weekend with yet another elder crisis on top of chemo, I would not be normal! Funny, how I need the obvious pointed out to me.

On Sunday I realized we had no food in the house. I mean when the heck would either one of us had time to go shopping?  And the lack of food made me mad. I was just going on and on in my head about how we can't do this anymore and I need help. Thankfully, my sister called and she came down with a huge pot  of chicken soup. At first I thought it would be way to hot for soup, but it was just what I needed. It  made me feel all kinds of comfort and reminded me that someone would take care of me if my husband couldn't. 

Later in the day, we made a shopping list and my husband was able to go to the store because his brother came and he took a turn at caring for my MIL. So once we got groceries and we had cleaned up the house some, I started to feel a little better about things. I did not want to spiral down into negative and depressing feelings, I am trying to hard to stay in charge of my recuperation and stay happy! 

I have 2 sisters and friends that are offering lots of help. I just have a hard time taking people up on it. So accepting her soup was huge for me. And another friend is making a casserole for Wednesday night. She has been wanting to cook for me since I have been diagnosed. So I finally said YES! I have sisters and friends offering to come to chemo, too, if my son or husband can't make it. So in theory, I have lots of support, I just have to learn to ask for it when I need it. I am really bad at that.

My mom in law has already said she would not drive any longer. There will be no conflict about that and we are all relieved. I was thinking that the driving would probably would be out of her hands anyways, but nice she came to that all on her own. It will make it an easier adjustment on her. 

This chemo round has been a little better than the previous two. Could it be my relaxing massage? I am not sure. I am much less foggy brained than I was and have been up doing a few things. I am hoping to feel much better by tomorrow and get back to work on Wednesday! 

Crash

The night before my infusion my mother in law was in a serious car accident. She broke 4 ribs and is very bruised and banged up from the incident. Her car was totaled and she suffered some pretty serious leg wounds as well. She is all settled into rehab now, so she is on the road to recovery, but it has been a very stressful few days. 

Because my husband had to deal with her car and insurance and taking care of her, he was not available to come with me for my chemotherapy. He just could not divide himself in the middle and be there for both of us. Fortunately, my older son put in for time off from work as soon as he heard that I had no one to bring me to chemo. I loved it that I didn't have to ask him to do that. I was grateful he lives close enough to be able to help out with such short notice.

I can't remember the last time I had 8 hours of one on one time with my older son. He was really great company for me. I brought my iPad and he showed me how to download applications and I purchased books from a gift card he gave me for Mother's Day and I had not used yet! We never have the time to sit and do stuff like that. We talked up a storm and just enjoyed one each other's company. 

He was a little nervous about what the treatment room would be like. He thought it might be a depressing and bleak place, but he was pleasantly surprised how upbeat it was and how friendly everyone was. It wasn't what he expected and it was good for him to see. He liked that the nurses were taking good care of me and always asking how I was feeling. 

My treatments take so long because again I had some hot flashes and they stop the treatment and cool me down and start them up again. These flashes could be reactions to the meds, but I don't think they are. The nurse has to take the proper precautions, so I just let her do her job. I guess I will just expect to be the last person leaving every time!

I was feeling so badly for my husband with trying to help out his mom with his dad with Alzheimer and now her needing such attention and he still has me! His mom is 90 years old and this accident was a wake up call to her to stop driving! So now he will have to try to hook her up to services to get her grocery shopping, church, etc. And also do his fair share of driving her around. She is very active for her age, but I know that may change now that she has had this set back with the accident.

We need to get them into one assisted living situation and I wish I was in the condition to help him. His siblings are not local and don't make it out here to get much done. 

For now we can't do anything but allow my mother in law to get well in rehab and then try to help her make some big decisions when she comes home. This stuff is never easy, but there is always a way to make it work. It is a matter of finding  the right plan and having the time and cooperation of the rest of the family. I have a feeling this time around is going to be very interesting.

Packing time is coming

We had a nice vacation. I rested a lot! I think it helped because I have much more energy this week. I feel great as I am on the upswing, but I am  heading into round 3 on Thursday. How the hell did that come around so fast? So to get ready for chemo I went for a massage today. I was pretty loose which impressed me, but it was probably from my very restful vacation.  I wanted to be as relaxed as possible heading into the next round.

 Everyone at the hospital has a comment about how much stuff we bring with us on chemo day.  I pack up my own fleece blanket and sleep mask. I figure I deserve my comforts from home on such a long day. I am usually there 7 and 1/2 hours. It is very cold in the treatment room, so I also have a shawl I bring. Then I pack a bag with my IPOD and iPad along with books and magazines. I always carry a note book for notes that I want to take if I have any dreams if I fall asleep or if the nurses or patients tell me anything new I need to know. Then my husband has his bag with his electronics and newspaper. And we bring in a small cooler with lunch and snacks! So we walk in loaded down. LOL

I also take my shoes off when ever they weigh me. I wear orthotics in my shoes and they weigh one pound each. That is 2 extra pounds that I think they do not need to figure in to mix my chemo since it is based on weight. Does the 2 lbs make a bit of difference? I don't know, but it might, so I take off the shoes. Another patient  was sitting there when I was getting weighed and she says, "Oh my goodness, she takes her shoes off," and starts laughing like I wasn't even there! So I spoke up and told her why and she was surprised that I said anything to her and stopped laughing and just very seriously said, "Oh."

Everyone is so busy judging...lol.

Salt water

"The cure for everything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" Isak Dinesen

Birthday

Friday, July 1 was my birthday. We are usually away on vacation on my birthday, but we weren't leaving until Saturday this year so it meant I would be home for my birthday! I was pretty excited about that because although it was always nice to be on Cape Cod and do fun stuff on my birthdays, I missed being with my family. 

So since I was going to be around we decided to meet up at my mom's house and have pizza and cake.

It was also the first time I would be seeing everyone since I lost all of my hair. I decided not to wear my wig, because I have been wearing a hat and I find that so much easier.

My 91 year old aunt S.  has been praying the Rosary for me every day. It brings me such comfort and a feeling of being loved and cared for. When S. walked into the room  at my party and saw me in my hat and realized my hair was all gone, she became very emotional. It made me feel sad for her that she was sad for me, if that makes any sense at all.  Her eyes just welled up in tears and I just held her and told her that I was OK and doing fine.

Truth was, I felt so sick that night. I came home from work in the afternoon and went straight to bed. I almost thought I should skip the party because I had such awful GI side effects still going on. But it was MY PARTY and I had to be there. So I forced myself out of that bed and got ready to go and packed emergency clothes just in case. 

Funny thing... once I got there I started to feel better little by little. I even decided to take a piece of pizza knowing that it would be the worst thing I could eat and that I would pay dearly for it, but funny thing, I did fine with it. All my GI issues seemed to settle down. 

We were all sitting in a big circle in the living room of my mom's small apartment. My sisters, my aunts, my mom, my brother in law, my niece and nephew and my own tribe. We were laughing so much and having such a good time. My son was making us laugh so hard we could not catch our breaths and tears were coming. I love laughing like that. 

And then it was time for birthday cake! It was the first time in years that I had a roomful of family sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I made sure I really, really listened to each individual voice in the mix. Everyone who loves me the most in the whole world was singing to me. It was overwhelming  and moving to me and I got all teary eyed and just let their voices wash over me like a healing wave. 

We had forgotten to bring the birthday candles and mom didn't have any. So we  just all collectively made one wish at the same time.We had our cake and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I was thinking how much better I  felt and I was so glad that I pushed myself out of that bed to go. I needed to be with all of my family and being the guest of honor brought some good energy to me. 

My other family members handled the new me with no hair fine and my sister gave me some new hats to sport. She didn't mind when I took off the old hat in front of her and saw me bald. I don't want to have to hide, but if someone can't handle it, I understand completely, too. 

My mother was happy to have her little apartment filled with family and sharing good times. It was a great evening for all of us! 

The next day, I got the doctor's approval to go on my vacation because my blood counts are still good! I am slightly anemic and I do feel more tired because of that, but that is just the chemo catching up with me. 

So I am writing this first post from  Cape Cod. We are relaxing and trying to have good vacation like we always have up here. Cancer can just sit in the back seat while we are off enjoying the sights.