Coping

At the wake it was interesting how many people came up to me and offered condolences and then mentioned how difficult it must be to be dealing with dad's death so close to Christmas. Well, truth be told, with what we had going on since November 1, I never really thought about Christmas. It was not my priority. When I heard the Carols on the radio as I drove back and forth to the hospital, I just turned them off. I was focused on taking care of dad and Christmas would just have to go on the back burner. My husband put up the tree on his own and did most of the shopping, because he was home during the day. Most evenings we were at the hospital with hopes dad would be out by Christmas.

All of my life we have spent Christmas Eve with all of my aunts and uncles and cousins on my mom's side. It was a big Italian Christmas Eve with all of the fishes and Italian delights. As the family grew, it was harder to find a house that would fit over 50 of us, but fortunately there were some relatives with big houses who took turns hosting. My uncle kept the tradition going. But he passed away in April and this Christmas his family did not feel up to the big family gathering. It would be too hard for them to celebrate without him. So for the past couple of months we had been getting used to the idea that we would have to start a new Christmas Eve tradition.

After the funeral (which was 4 days before Christmas) we realized we had to make some decisions as to what to do for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I wanted to just skip everything at first. I didn't care about celebrating. I was sad, worn-out and the last thing I wanted to do was put on a dinner on Christmas Day.

One of my sisters decided to have my mom and my family over for Christmas Eve. (Another sibling was going with her husband's side of the family.) It was certainly more quiet than spending it with over 50 relatives, but it was very nice and enjoyable and hopefully the start of a new tradition.

For Christmas Day I had a change of heart and ended up inviting my mom, my sister and her husband, and my aunts to join my family and the in-laws. This meant that I would be hosting 14 people now. More people, but also more help. They were all able to help me cook and that took a load off of me.

So we had a nice mixing of the two families and we all feasted on spiral ham, corn bread casserole, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, salad, and an array of desserts.

We got my son the Wii for Christmas and young and old had fun playing the sports games. It was a nice distraction.

The day after Christmas, my other sibling had us to her house because her children were down that day to open gifts. We had our grab bag and ordered pizza. So for not wanting to have any Christmas at all, we ended up having 3 days of Christmas! It was good for all of us to be together and just enjoy one another's company.

I concentrated on allowing the love and light of Christmas into my heart and it helped to carry me through the holidays. I thought about my uncle and my dad together again for Christmas Eve in heaven and I imagined that they were being serenaded by a choir of angels along with other relatives who have passed.

Drama

There was a good bit of drama while we were trying to make arrangements for my dad's funeral. We had a relative who was very fond of my dad and he took it upon himself to tell us he was planning on delivering dad's eulogy. While we understood he was very close to him growing up, one of the grand daughters had already been asked to deliver the words of remembrance, and the church only allowed one person to speak. We all wanted our niece to do the speaking, so we had to call the relative and thank him for offering but we had already appointed someone. It didn't go well. He was very hurt. It felt awful having to hurt some one's feelings, but it also felt very uncomfortable having someone outside our immediate family making decisions that were ours to make. This situation snowballed and it made a stressful time even more difficult.

Our ethnic background is very patriarchal, and since we don't have brothers, I think it was just assumed that a close male relative should speak, and the closest male relative took it upon himself to appoint himself.

Change is always hard, but we busted that patriarchal tradition and had my niece speak about her grandfather. She did a beautiful job. While she spoke about my father, her theme of family and love was so universal that so many of the men in the church could relate. I have never seen so many men crying at a funeral.

As the only grand-daughter, my niece and my dad had a special bond. He called her his Miss America. We were all so proud of her and impressed with how poised she was speaking because it wasn't an easy thing to do.

Sleep tight

Stayed overnight with Mom last night. We are taking turns staying over to help her with the transition. She is sleeping in the guest room, not ready to go back to their room.

When I was a little girl my dad would go off to farmers' market in the wee hours of the morning. I would get up and climb into their bed and sleep with her until it was time to get up. I always loved the feeling of waking up in their bed with her.

Last night I slept in their room again after all of these years gone by. I kept the night light on for old times' sake.

Watching the forecast

We are all getting ready for a big snowstorm that is supposed to hit us later this afternoon and into tomorrow morning. We are watching it closely because tomorrow is my dad's wake. I would hate for people not make it due to the snow, but there is nothing we can do to control the weather.

I am finally home after being with my mom and family and it feels good to be here. I have not been sleeping so well due to the fact I wake up shaking about this and that. I know it is part of my grief process and that it will pass.

I am going to take advantage of being home and going to take a nap.

Resting and in peace now

My dad passed away Wednesday evening. He finally surrendered and is now out of his pain.
I am heart-broken and relieved all at the same time.

My dad was a farmer all of his life and didn't retire until he was 82 years old. Even after he retired, he still planted a very small garden out side his home in spite of the fact he could barely walk. The above picture is the last garden that he planted this summer. Somehow, when I took this shot, I knew it would be his last. He was pointing with his cane to my husband to tell him what to pick and weed.

I want to thank all of my blogger friends who have been reading and praying for me and my family. It brought me a great deal of comfort.

Hugs to all of you, you mean a great deal to me.

Day away

The original doctor who admitted my dad to the hospital two weeks ago is back on the case. To make a long story short, he has made some big changes to his treatment because he believes that he can get better. This is a far cry from where his condition was the beginning of this week. I love that this doctor is looking beyond dad's failed body to see his strong spirit. The doctor said that if he could get him moving again, he would be the happiest doctor in the hospital. So dad has begun to make some improvements and we will see where it will go.

Because things had stabilized so much, I decided to take the day and attend a Christmas party that we had been invited to in Vermont. All my friends from high school would be there and I was so looking forward to getting in the car and doing something festive and fun!

My friend has a home at the base of the mountain and it is just beautiful. She made a delicious meal of ham and everyone brought side dishes to share. After dinner she had hired a guitar player to entertain us. We sang Christmas carols, listened to his original songs, and he took our requests for cover songs from James Taylor, Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, and others. Every room had the view of the mountain as shown above.

We all had a wonderful time and it was great to finally feel some Christmas spirit and cheer!

White Wednesdsay

We are hit with our first big snow storm this morning and schools are closed. That means a day off for me! Who does not enjoy a snow day? I am hoping we can dig out and the streets clear up so we can get up to the hospital earlier than we usually do.

I took Monday off to spend it with my dad. He was awful over the weekend, but much better Monday morning. When ever we go to visit, he will always cry when he first sees us. I take it to mean that he is happy to see us.

The nurse ordered a Reiki treatment for him because I asked her to. I was thinking of something that would relax him naturally. Unfortunately he began to have a medical problem and was not able to participate. The volunteer told me that I could take his place, that they offer the service to family and friends. I was so happy to take him up on the offer, and I found it to be so relaxing.

After that treatment, I headed into a family meeting with the doctors and it was nice to have had some time to relax a bit so I was feeling so centered.

There is so much going on, but due to privacy, I am holding back writing about the nitty gritty and gut wrenching stuff. It would sure make good posts, but I have to remember that I am not the only child in our family, and I know my siblings would be furious to see anything too private posted on here. I don't tell them about my blog, but I it wouldn't be impossible for them to recognize my posts if they were to land on it.

My husband has been doing a fine job of keeping the house and things running. I am so unfocused when I am home, and at work, too. I have lost my brand new watch, my long time address book, and a couple of other things. My head is spinning and I am not keeping good track of my things.

Before we left the hospital last night, dad asked where his shoes were. I know he is thinking about an escape plan. That makes me smile in a way. He is planning and plotting his way out of there so I don't feel he is ready to give up just yet.

Muddling Through

It doesn't feel like the holiday season to me yet. The tree is up, but my husband did it all by himself. I have hardly been in any stores yet to shop and have only bought a couple of gifts on-line. I am too busy running back and forth to the hospital, then exhausted when I come home.

Dad's situation is complicated. He has 3 major ailments that are not going to get better and has had periodic medical emergencies. But he then manages to stabilize. We can only take one day at a time. Some days he is great, looking and acting like his old self, other days he looks awfully sick and is struggling. Yesterday he was agitated by all the tests, machines, and being in the hospital. This is the hardest part of us, because we see a man we don't recognize when he becomes so ornery.

We still have questions that are not answered and a plan that we don't feel confident in, so we will be meeting next week with the doctor to discuss what is next.

A couple of days ago, my dad's sister died. She was 91 and lived a long and happy life. He knows she is not well, but no one told him that she declined over the past two weeks and finally passed away. I want to tell him, I hate keeping secrets, but other family members do not want him upset. I think he will get upset, but I think he is too absorbed with his own suffering and he will not dwell on it. But I can't be sure, so I have to go with the majority of the family on this one.

I was able to go to the wake and funeral today. Everyone was asking about my dad, so many had visited him over the past couple of weeks. We are lucky we have a close family that cares so much. It was a nice service today, very comforting and personalized and a nice way to honor my aunt.

This is a difficult time. So many decisions to make and not everyone sees the situation from the same perspective. I muddle through it, trying to educate myself medically and trying to be patient with my family as well as myself.