A day today

I had a day today. When I say that I mean I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

It is so early and I am already in bed. I had a hot bath and I have a hot cup of tea and I plan to visit blogs, and watch the current download of Oprah's Soul Series. This is my way of shutting down and de-stressing.

I had my medical test this morning and it was inconclusive so I have to go back and have some more that are more invasive. It wasn't the news I wanted to hear, so I was disappointed.

My appointment started off rocky. No one gave me any instructions so I had eaten a light breakfast this morning. WRONG! I was not supposed to eat. Plus my doctor's office gave me some wrong information about the test and when I went in and told them what I expected and it was all wrong, they were not happy with me. I felt like a bad patient at the start!

But it all turned around and after part of the test was over and we were waiting for the doctor, I was telling my technician about my son and his heart defect and the camp he used to go to for kids who had heart surgery. We were yakking and yakking and one story led to another as the doctor had some emergency so we had time to chat.

I told her about the story of my son's friend who had a very serious heart defect. He was older than my son and one of his first counselor's he had at the camp. My son admired this boy and looked up to him. When my son became older and was able to become a counselor himself, he was thrilled to be working by Nick's side. The two of them would stay up all night and make plans on how they would market the camp to extend the sessions to help more kids, and make the camp into a full time job for everyone who loved it so much.

My son did know just how serious his friend's condition was until one day he received a call informing him that Nick had unexpectedly passed away. He was in his early 20's when he died. It was just an ordinary day and Nick was playing baseball with his friends from college. He hit a home run and as he was sliding into the home plate, he died.

After I told the story, the technician and I both burst into tears. She asked me the name of the camp and said she was going to make a donation to them today.

While I was there, my husband was bringing his dad for surgery. He was scheduled for one surgery and ended up with two surgeries. Lots of stuff going back and forth with that all afternoon while I was back at work. I was taking cell phone calls from my husband in the time out room because there was no where else I could find privacy today as my office was hopping with everyone from under the sun!

FIL is doing well, but still in recovery.

Little joy for today: An exceptionally good hair day, which I haven't had in quite some time. Sometimes it is the little things that you have to hang on to. LoL

Take care blogger buddies and thanks for reading.

It has been a busy weekend. Saturday, we took a ride to the shoreline and had dinner to celebrate our anniversary. On Sunday we had a big family cook out at my parent's house. It was a really nice time, the weather was so beautiful out. This morning we went back up to our hometown for their Memorial Day parade as my newphew was marching in it.

Later I did a lot of yard work outside, but my main goal of getting the pool open did not happen yet. We are still trying to raise the water level and clear off all of the fallen leaves, etc. from the pool cover. It takes a long time. I wish I had done more during the weekend, but there wasn't that much time. How can three days off go by so fast? I really need to get in my pool and swim. I need the excercise and I need the time to de-stress. I just want to get it opened and prepared so by the time the hot weather hits, it will be ready to use.

I also spend time this weekend, listening to Eckhart Tolle's webcasts of A New Earth. I could feel myself letting the concepts slide and I was sinking into negative thinking that was causing me to suffer. It is such a simple concept to stay in the now, but it is so hard to put into practice. I need reinforcement, so listening to the classes with Eckhart and Oprah helped me to get into a better mindset and this will help me to start off the work week tomorrow.

A couple of wonderful tributes to Memorial Day check out Ruth and Diane.

Back story

Tomorrow is my 33 wedding anniversary.

Our wedding day in itself was a strange day, but it didn't feel strange to me until a few days later. You see my uncle (he was also my Godfather) died during the night before my wedding. He had been having some health issues, but as far as we knew it was nothing serious. But that night he went to bed and died of a heart attack.

The next day we were called by another family member and told that my uncle had suffered a mild heart attack and that he was in the hospital and stable. While we were all concerned about him, we were told not to worry and just have a good day because things were under control.

So I did what any bride would do on her wedding day. I set out to have a wonderful day. I was so happy that morning. I played all of my favorite music on the stereo and sang my heart out while I was getting ready. My mother could not believe that I was not nervous, but I wasn't one bit nervous. I was just filled with love, happiness, and confidence.

I didn't pay attention during the day to how emotional people were. So many of my relatives were crying. I thought they must have been touched by the vows we wrote, I couldn't imagine why else there were so many tears. As the day wore on, people were huddled together talking in low voices and when ever I walked over they stopped talking and put on a happy face. These were moments that I took pictures of in my mind, but they didn't develop until a couple of days later.

After the wedding everyone went to my parents' house for the after party and I remember different people coming over to me trying to hurry us off. We were only going away for the week-end. We didn't have time for a honeymoon, as we were moving up to Ithaca, NY where my husband was scheduled to take some summer classes.

So we finally headed out earlier than we planned and had our special weekend together.

I found out later that as soon as we left, my mother's brother took my parents into the bedroom and broke the news to them that Harry had died the night before, and it was my aunt's request not to spoil my wedding day, so they didn't tell us what really happened. After my parents and the other guests digested the what had happened the after party broke up and my parents and the rest of my family members rushed to be with my aunt.

Two days later my husband and I arrived back home, I come through the door and the first question I asked my mother was, "How is Uncle Harry doing?" That is when she told us what really happened. It was such a shock to me. I went into my bedroom and saw my wedding dress hanging on the door and I wanted to throw up. I felt like I had been so incredibly selfish, that everyone had been at my wedding and my poor aunt was without all of us to comfort her.

During the wedding reception one of the guests called home to check on her baby and found out that my uncle's obituary was in the newspaper that morning. So that is all it took. One person found out and the word spread and those were the huddles that I saw, but I didn't know what was going on. I was in my own world that day, understandably.

It took a long time for me to realize what a gift my aunt had given me, she loved me and wanted me to have my wedding day. So thoughtful and giving even in her time of grief.

There is one more part to this story. On that same day we had another couple who couldn't be at our wedding because the wife was in labor. A baby boy was born on our wedding day was well.

A birth, a wedding, and a death all on my wedding day. The whole cycle of life.

AI

Watching the finale of American Idol. Sort of a corny beginning with the Davids coming out as boxers, the producers trying to hype it up. The show has been criticized for being too boring during the last few weeks and has dropped some in the ratings. Just some nice talented kids singing, no drama and no fierce competition does not TV ratings make. I have found it enjoyable and a nice way to relax after lots of drama and competition during the work day.

Later that day

The husband went up yesterday to drop his 80 something year old Mom to her college alumni weekend. She has been home mostly taking care of the father in law who is ailing and was counting on my husband driving her out of state to her reunion. He dropped her off and then continued on up to Vermont to pick up my son from college. They got back this evening and tomorrow morning he will be driving back up to Mass to get his mom and bring her home. I image that she is happy as a clam being with her classmates and being back on the campus that she loves so dearly.

The brother in law is taking care of my father in law. It is good that the brothers can work together so that everyone gets their needs met.

I was excited that my son was coming home. I always forget though that he will just breeze in and out again. Well, he did sit for a while and chat with me, but then he was off to a welcome home barbecue at his friends' house and will stay there the night. But I know he will be home in time for Sunday dinner.

I had a good day on my own. I planted the rest of my flowers and then tackled the garage. I made a good dent in getting rid of junk in there and decided that I would start planning a tag sale. I haven't had one in years, but I think it is time to get into the swing of it.

This and that

I took my mom to get multiple teeth pulled out the other day. Her teeth were no longer healthy as a result of the radiation she had a few years back. I spent the afternoon with her going back and forth between calling her doctors to deal with some complications that came up and finally left her early evening as she seemed to be doing better.

Later that evening she called in agony and I instructed her to call the emergency number given to us by the doctor. Long story, but she is doing much better today. It is hard as my folks get older and we are all trying to help them manage their health issues without controlling them and making them feel like children. It is a balancing act on our part. There were times the other day that I wanted to be in complete control and boss her around like she was a child, just so it would be easier on me. That is a horrible thing to say, and I say it here hoping that there are others who have been in the same boat and understand that feeling.

Of course I didn't boss her around. I tried my best to just assist her when she needed it and hold my tongue if she wasn't exactly following doctor's orders. It all worked out, but man was I tired when I got home.

Last night my friend and I had our marathon dinner at Friendly's where we sit all night to vent and laugh. It was a great stress reliever. On the way home I ended up in a DWI check point. That never happened to me before so I was a little apprehensive when I saw all the cars being stopped and directed off of the highway.

When my car got up to the first officer, he poked his head in the window and told me it was a DWI check point and asked if I had any drinks that evening. Thankfully, I could say NO! Then I was waved on to continue through the line. I don't drink, but I have this fear that I will be stopped at a random check point, pulled out of the car and be asked to recite the alphabet backwards. For the life of me, I can't recite the alphabet backwards! I thought my time had come last night, but they let me go... thank goodness!

Let's call it a day

Today was a day that was sort of tough. I am in the middle of a few situations at work. You all know that being in the middle of anything is not an easy place to be. I listen more, talk less and try to stay professional all around. By the end of the day my head was literally spinning. I felt very unsettled and didn't accomplish as much as I needed to with all of the distractions. It is my busiest time of year and I have so much to catch up on now.

Then I had a Dr. appointment and I have to go for some tests so that is a worry, but I know my doctor just wants to be on the safe side.

After that I went out to dinner with a friend and ended up getting sick immediately after dinner. I ended up having to leave early. Still not feeling so hot. So I don't know if I am coming down with a bug or if it is just all stress related after a day that was challenging on many levels.

I have been just hanging out on the couch tonight watching American Idol. I am going to vote for David Cook, I think he is a great talent. I was moved to tears tonight when he sang, First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.

Day for Moms

It has been a very nice Mother's Day. The husband made me breakfast in bed and then I decided to head up to Kohl's and do some shopping for myself. I hate to shop but I wanted to pick up a few things and maybe a new top to wear to the mother's day luncheon with my mom. I got there as it opened and hardly any customers so it was nice shopping in a near empty store.

After my shopping spree, I met my sisters and my niece for lunch with my mom. We went to a new Italian restaurant. It was so good! We all got a red rose on our way out. Next, my mother and I went shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I had received a gift certificate from my boss last week for staff appreciation day, and wanted to pick up a new stir fry pan. They also accept coupons from Linen and Things, so I had one in my purse for 10% one item and that was put to good use.

While we were in the store, my second son called to wish me a happy mother's day. My first born was waiting for me to get home and then he was planning to come for a visit. So I headed back home and had a nice visit with him. Last week I was telling him about an old movie Awakenings, with Robin Williams and Robert Deniro and telling him how great it was and that it is a movie that I thought he would enjoy. I had been thinking about the movie all week. My son noticed that it was being aired this afternoon. That was perfect timing, as I had just sat on the couch and I was ready for a good tearjerker movie.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms that may stop by here today.

Sing, sing a song

I sit in front of this computer wanting to write a post. So many thoughts go through my mind that I would like to write about. More about The Power of Now, how much I love to sing, but how terrible my singing voice is, work, things from my past. But I feel disconnected and lazy. It seems difficult trying to write anything that will make sense.

Little Anthony and the Imperials sing I think I am going out of my head on my launch cast. I used to love that song when I was a teen. Such angst. I remember special ordering the album from a record store in our area and just dying for it to come in. The day finally arrived for me to pick it up. I brought it home and locked myself up in my room to listen, damn record had a skip in it. That is OK, I played it for forever anyways.

Now listening to All I Want from the one and only Joni Mitchell from the Blue. Looking for something what can it be? Oh I love you when I forget about me... I want to belong to the living... alive alive... I want to renew you again and again... When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws... When I got engaged, I actually wrote to Joni Mitchell and asked her to sing at my wedding. How silly it seems now, but at the time, I thought I would give it a shot. Would have been cool, huh?

I love launchcast...now I hear Barbra and The Shadow of your Smile... I love her old albums the best. I remember when my mom saw her on the Gary Moore show for the first time. The next day she was telling everyone about this wonderful new singer. We followed her career as we grew up. I LOVE the My Name is Barbra albums. I used to lay down with my head next to the speakers of my stero and close my eyes and pretend it was me singing. And of course there were times, especially in the car on long trips I would sing the whole album. I know every lick. I have never seen her in live in concert and I think I should put that on my list in case she ever tours again.

So far away, Carole King's Tapestry.. up now. Number 1 my Sr. year in high school.

Just sitting at the computer... singing my life away.

P.S. Just so you don't think I am an old lady lost in the past, I have The All American Rejects, Dashboard Confessional, Paramore, The Fray, and more on my station as well. lol...

Wednesday Entry

On Sunday the husband and I went to check out an over 55 housing development in the town we grew up in. I still find it hard to believe that I am old enough to entertain moving into senior housing. Boy the years flew by!

The model house was just beautiful, they thought of everything that the baby boomers are looking for. Spacious, lots of light and storage, well laid out. We are just looking for now, not ready to make any decisions for a bit. But that night I had a dream that we moved and nothing was was working out. Guess I have some issues about moving.

Monday night was the last web cast of A New Earth with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle. I so enjoyed taking that class and took notes feverishly. So the hard part will be putting it all into practice on a regular basis. There is so much to learn about living in these bodies, understanding our minds, and knowing our hearts. It is what the journey is all about.

Moving forward

Cold and rainy weekend which put an abrupt stop to the yard work. Can't wait for that sun to shine again!

Last night we took my son and his girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate her birthday, and then came back to our house for some birthday cake and coffee. The husband was thinking ahead of me and went out in the morning and bought a cake mix and made her a cake. It was really sweet of him. I was thinking how different he is from his dad. We have been married for over 30 years and my father in law barely speaks to me. I don't think he likes me very much. Over the years when ever I would see him, he would ask me one polite question, "How are your parents?" Mind you, I have spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas with my in laws and visit them more frequently than their own children. I concluded that he was not interested in my job, my classes, or anything else about my day to day life. Oh, he was never mean to me, but the polite ignoring made me feel bad.

I can't say, "that's the way he is", because although a quiet man, when my ex sister in law was around, he would talk to her quite a bit about her job and other things. It was obvious whom he favored. She divorced my brother in law and is not around anymore. She once told me that she didn't feel like the in-laws cared about her as a person, that they only cared about her accomplishments. All the years she was in the family and I was jealous of how much they liked her, and yet she never felt she was liked for who she was. That was eye opening to me.

Fast forward, now the father in law is very elderly, weak, and feeble, dealing with serious medical issues. My husband stops by his parents house every day on his way home from work to check in on them, and we stop by on the weekend. I don't feel connected to the man, since we didn't really ever have a relationship, and I feel uncomfortable when we stop by. This makes me feel bad about myself. I do feel for the man but don't exactly know how to reach out to him.

I feel like I am playing the role of a good daugther in law by showing up, but my heart is so guarded. Time to let the past go, don't you think? I am working on it.

thinkArete!

If you enjoy inspirational quotes and motivational wisdom on self-development from philosophers, religions, and psychologists, you may want to check out http://thinkarete.com/.

You can sign up for a free daily dose of concentrated wisdom, that I find is a good way to start the day.

Enjoy!

On the Radio

I was on my way to work this morning, when I turned on the radio. I heard an old song begin to play, Into the Night by Benny Mardones. I hadn't heard that song in a long time.

Perfection... a favorite song on the radio, turning up the volume to play it really loud, all by myself to sing along, and far enough from my destination so that I would be driving during the whole song.

Little joys.