Last night we took my son and his girlfriend out to dinner to celebrate her birthday, and then came back to our house for some birthday cake and coffee. The husband was thinking ahead of me and went out in the morning and bought a cake mix and made her a cake. It was really sweet of him. I was thinking how different he is from his dad. We have been married for over 30 years and my father in law barely speaks to me. I don't think he likes me very much. Over the years when ever I would see him, he would ask me one polite question, "How are your parents?" Mind you, I have spent every Thanksgiving and Christmas with my in laws and visit them more frequently than their own children. I concluded that he was not interested in my job, my classes, or anything else about my day to day life. Oh, he was never mean to me, but the polite ignoring made me feel bad.
I can't say, "that's the way he is", because although a quiet man, when my ex sister in law was around, he would talk to her quite a bit about her job and other things. It was obvious whom he favored. She divorced my brother in law and is not around anymore. She once told me that she didn't feel like the in-laws cared about her as a person, that they only cared about her accomplishments. All the years she was in the family and I was jealous of how much they liked her, and yet she never felt she was liked for who she was. That was eye opening to me.
Fast forward, now the father in law is very elderly, weak, and feeble, dealing with serious medical issues. My husband stops by his parents house every day on his way home from work to check in on them, and we stop by on the weekend. I don't feel connected to the man, since we didn't really ever have a relationship, and I feel uncomfortable when we stop by. This makes me feel bad about myself. I do feel for the man but don't exactly know how to reach out to him.
I feel like I am playing the role of a good daugther in law by showing up, but my heart is so guarded. Time to let the past go, don't you think? I am working on it.
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6 comments:
Looks like he will never know what he missed. Give yourself plenty of credit for just showing up and being kind to him. For heaven's sake, don't feel bad about yourself if he fails to appreciate you.
I can relate to the uncomfortable relationship with someone you've spent so much time with. My first set of in-laws I could never bring myself to call Mom and Dad so I called them nothing.And I always felt bad about that. My present in-laws - are from Italy and it's difficult for me to communicate with them - but I don't feel like I try very hard either.
I agree with Forsythia. You've done all that you can by being present and willing to share. Now is the time to just be kind with your time and presence. Maybe plan a small thing you can do for him as a human, not as someone who has shown little regard for you. You're a great daughter in law. It takes time to let go of the past.
I think you should give him whatever you can of yourself and don't blame yourself if it doesn't match some ideal scenario. Maybe be open to cues that he might want more of a personal relationship now, but if the cues aren't there, then accept that he isn't the type of person who wants that. Even at the end of life, people often remain exactly who they have always been. My husband always says to me, "You can only do what you can do." I offer that gentle wisdom up to you.
And thank you so much for your encouraging words on my blog. I really appreciate it.
NICE Blog :)
Some people i have learned are socially inept and that is what it seems like to me about your fil...i think it shows what a sweet and careing person you are to keep going to see them and such. I hope that you have a good day.
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