Scans and scans

It has been busy the past couple of weeks with tests that my surgeon and oncologist have ordered to see if the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. Last week I had a bi-lateral MRI for my breasts. It was my first experience in a closed MRI machine. I was very nervous about doing it as I am on the anxious and claustrophobic side.

I had to focus really hard to keep myself calm (on top of taking a mild sedative)by saying prayers and thinking all positive thoughts. But I did it! I never had to press the panic button and I stayed still. I was on my stomach with my head down so I didn't have to see where I was and I thought that helped me some.

This week I was scheduled for a brain scan, bone scan and CAT scan all on the same day. All the tests involved getting dye injections and the CAT scan also included a mixture I had to drink. I was nervous about doing all the tests on one day, as I was getting confused with all the directions.

A relative of mine is a nurse and she told me not to dare have all those tests on one day as it would too much stress. So I called and I was able to reschedule the CAT scan on another day. I found that machine easy. Drinking the mixture wasn't too bad.

When I went for the CAT scan I had an opportunity to see the brain scan and bone scan machines. Now these two machines made me a bit uncomfortable. For one I would be face up this time and I thought that would be harder. The brain scan had a coil mask that they put your head in to keep it still. (it was open, but it was still creepy) Even though they called it an open MRI, it still had the tube that my head would be going into with the mask on my head.

The bone scan machine had a huge camera that would move over my entire body for 25 minutes. I didn't think I would enjoy that camera when it was directly over my face.

I really wanted to get through these tests without getting panicky. So I decided to bring my sleep mask that I wear to bed every night and put it over my eyes. I decided what I couldn't see would not bother me. So I laid down on the brain scan table, and said, "good-night, girls" to the techs and pulled my sleep mask over my eyes. I visualized myself laying in my bed at home. The scan took 25 minutes. They pulled me out of the machine and unhooked me and then I took off my sleep mask. I never even saw the coil mask that they had put my head in.

So I did the same thing with the bone scan and wore my sleep mask. When the camera was directly over my face it was very dark and it moved very slowly. But again, I just visualized I was laying on my bed and thought positive thoughts and said prayers so I could relax.

As the machine moved passed my shoulders, I could see some light coming through under the mask, and I knew it had passed my head. The tech told me that it had moved, but I knew it before she said it.

The tech thought using a sleep mask was a great idea and she said she wanted to get some to keep in the department for other patients. I hope she follows through and does that because it is a small thing that made an unpleasant experience so much easier!

Checking in

So I figured out how to safely smash some dishes outside under our deck on flagstone. I wore my safety glasses and went out in the pouring rain and windy weather and smashed. It felt as good as I thought it would fueled with a good loud F**K U Cancer!!!!

My blogger friend Jamie asked if I had pain or symptoms. The answer is no. I feel fine, no symptoms at all. It is very strange to feel so good and have such a serious disease.

My husband told me the other night that he had a dream that he saved me from a bear. We were outside in the back yard and a bear was walking towards me. My husband ran into the house to get some pots and pans and he came running out banging them together to chase the bear away from me. I thought that was a very sweet dream. I know he is there to protect me and he has been a wonderful support. He allows me to do what I need to do and is there for me on every level. How lucky am I? I have a tendency to apologize all the time. He reminds me daily, sometimes hourly, that there is nothing I need to be apologizing for.

I know husbands need extra support at a time like this, so I am glad that a few people have reached out to HIM!

I have a very busy week with a brain scan, bone scan, CAT scan and surgeon appointments scheduled. It was supposed to be vacation week, but life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. -John Lennon

Friday night and it's alright

Just checking in. No smashing party yet, been waiting for the weekend.

Just so busy at work running around like an idiot getting ready for a very big (400-500 people expected) work event. To make things even more difficult, I found out that my first oncology appointment was scheduled on the same morning. My first reaction was to reschedule it, how could I go to the appointment when I had such a huge work commitment? That kind of thinking was not putting myself first and nor taking care of me. So even though I knew it was wrong to reschedule the appointment for work purposes, I needed my friend to confirm that not
postponing was doing the right thing. So she gave me a good talking to, reminding me that I have cancer and that everything else is secondary and they could cover for me at work. That is what friends are for! They convince you of things you already KNOW, but have a hard time carrying out.

I saw the oncologist and he ordered a slew of tests next week to help determine the stage of my cancer, and felt that surgery should be scheduled within a week or two. Things are moving fast for me now.

So tomorrow morning I will have breakfast with a very good friend and then see my counselor, and that will take up most of my morning and all of my afternoon.

Very, very tired tonight. Off to sleep now.

Riding the waves

Our accountant said he would do our taxes first and get them right back to us, because we have enough to deal with. A co-worker put a spring plant on my desk this morning. My sisters have Easter covered, I am not to cook a thing. People pass me in the hall at work and they rest their hand on my shoulder as they pass. People who usually don't stop by my office pop their heads in to check in on me. Just little ways to show they care about me yet these little things remind me that everything is different now.

Everything is different, but for most of the day I feel like my old self. Then I remember that I now have cancer and that heavy feeling sets in. It is panic, sadness, fear, dread, all rolled into one, and I need to hang on and ride the wave until it passes. I think every day the waves are coming a little further and further apart, which means that I am coming closer and closer to acceptance.

Since I heard the news all I have wanted to do is smash something. I want to lock myself into a room and fling old dishes hard against the wall. So since the desire to smash something is so strong (and I have a friend who felt the same when she was diagnosed, so I know I am not alone) I am contemplating a smashing session.

My girlfriend wants to put some pottery in a pillowcase and smash it up with a hammer and use the pieces for art work. And I will do that with her because I know it is something she wants to give me. But I know that smashing something against the wall will be far better therapy for me. And we can still use the pieces for art work!

So I must figure out a way to do this that is safe and won't wreck any walls or harm anything. I have some ideas so I will get working on that over the weekend and report back to tell you if the release is as good as I want it to be.

I guess this might sound odd to some of you. I am getting mixed reactions from friends, but it is something that I think I need to do and doggone it, I will!

Head lights to the soul

I had my first appointment with a surgeon this week. When I walked into the office no one was at the front desk. Within a minute the surgeon herself came out and handed me the paper work to fill out because the receptionist was busy with another patient. It impressed me that she was a hands on kind of doctor and not afraid to go out to the front desk and take care of business. So that was a good first impression.

After I had the check up she called my husband in to talk to us. She said that I had some good things on my side. My tumor is 1 centimeter, I am estrogen positive, and a few other things which mean that I will have options for treatment.

I have been concerned because my other breast has been very sore. I mentioned it to her and she said she couldn't feel anything wrong. I joked that it was having sympathy pains for the other one and the surgeon said that it wasn't unusual to have hormones all messed up at a time like this and that our breasts are the head lights to our soul. She wasn't surprised I was having some discomfort. But I have to say, it is making me nervous.

She said I needed to have an MRI next week on both of the girls to make certain that the cancer has not spread and then see the oncologist the next day for the first appointment. The surgeon said she could have kept me there all day talking, but she didn't want me to get overwhelmed or confused, so things need to go one step at a time. That works for me!

I am holding up the best I can. I have adopted the philosophy that I will allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it. (Depending where I am at the time, of course!) So I cry when I want to and I cry hard. In the shower is a good place to let loose and it has become a daily ritual. But it is good, because once I get it all out of my system, I am ready to get on with the day.

I have always believed in the body/mind/spirit connections and I plan to do my own personal work in this area. I have started to see a counselor and I am going to be making some appointments with an energy healer.

My husband and I went away to Vermont for the weekend. We had a very nice and relaxing weekend and if there ever was a weekend I didn't want to end, this one was it!

In the middle of all this medical drama, my parents' house went on the market. We got together last week to sign the papers and give the house one last look over. We really did a great job renovating it, it looks beautiful. I was OK signing the papers, but on Friday when I looked it up on the Internet, I cried my eyes out.

I know I don't want to live in the house, we tried to go that route and it didn't feel right. It doesn't feel right selling it either, but we had to make that decision. For me, it is triggering all the grief I felt when I lost my dad and also the grief I am feeling over this illness. But I am just going to get through all of the feelings as best as I can and come out the other side in all of this.

That is all I can do, it is all any of us can ever really do.

One cup of tea

I have a hard time allowing people to do nice things for me (people outside of my family) and right now people want to do more nice things for me than usual. Last Monday I was at the office waiting for a call with results from my biopsy; I was full of anxiety. No one at work knew that I was waiting for any results.

As I was passing through the hallway, a colleague asked me how I was. I said that I was having a tough day but was hoping it would get significantly better by the afternoon. N. stopped what she was doing and asked me if there was anything she could do to help my day get better sooner. Wasn't that sweet? So I said to her that she couldn't do anything because I was waiting for a call with some news, but she could say a prayer. She didn't pry and said of course she would say a prayer for me.

On Tuesday, I ran into N. again and I told I still had not heard anything. Later in the day, I got the call from my doctor's office that they wanted me to come in and talk to him. I knew they were calling me in for bad news. At that point, I got upset and grabbed my tea cup and went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. As soon as I saw N. I started to cry. She came over to me put her arm around me and I laid my head on her shoulder. She said, "Is the news about you?" I shook my head yes, I told her that I would be going in an hour to see the Dr. to have the information confirmed, but I was certain they were going to tell me that I have breast cancer. She allowed me to cry and she gave me words of encouragement.

Then she wanted to make me the cup of tea and toast me a bagel. Right away, I am telling her no, no, I can make a cup of tea myself, even though my hands were shaking. Then I realized she wanted to do something to comfort me. So I stepped back, put my hands up and said, "OK, if you want to do that for me, I will accept your sweet offer." N. said, "People like me need to help in a situation like this."

I went back into my office and in a few N. came in with a steaming hot cup of tea and a toasted bagel. I thanked her, she said it wasn't much, but to me it meant the world. At a time when I just wanted to fall into my husband's arms or even my mother's arms and they were not there, N. was an angel who was. And I allowed her to comfort me, which is a new thing for me.

I have a feeling I am going to get a lot more practice.

Speak up

When I was scheduled for my biopsy, I was trying to mentally prepare for it. When I would try to visualize what I expected to happen, I found that I couldn't quite conjure up a picture in my head. I had stories from other women so I sort of knew what to expect and I had a brochure to look at,(which was never offered until I asked for it) but it wasn't enough for me.

I called the radiology center and asked them if I could come in get a tour of the room and get more information on the procedure. The nurse on the phone was wonderful, she said that would be no problem and to call back on Friday afternoon when the room was not being occupied.

My husband came along with me, and had he not, he would have never seen the room the day of the procedure, as they just call you in and get you going. No time for husbands when it is busy. It was good for him to have information about where I was and what equipment they were using on me while he waited.

So we went in and I saw the room, the machine, the vacuum, and the titanium markers. I felt so much better when I could think about the procedure and know every detail and picture exactly where I would be and what the room looked like. I wanted to see just how small those markers actually were before they put them inside of me. Some places don't even tell the patient ahead of time, the surgeons tell them what they are going to do just as they are about to do it.

So just a suggestion, if you are like me and like to be prepared, don't hesitate to ask for a tour. In most cases they won't offer it, as what they do becomes so routine to the medical staff that they forget it is all brand new to the patient.