Head lights to the soul

I had my first appointment with a surgeon this week. When I walked into the office no one was at the front desk. Within a minute the surgeon herself came out and handed me the paper work to fill out because the receptionist was busy with another patient. It impressed me that she was a hands on kind of doctor and not afraid to go out to the front desk and take care of business. So that was a good first impression.

After I had the check up she called my husband in to talk to us. She said that I had some good things on my side. My tumor is 1 centimeter, I am estrogen positive, and a few other things which mean that I will have options for treatment.

I have been concerned because my other breast has been very sore. I mentioned it to her and she said she couldn't feel anything wrong. I joked that it was having sympathy pains for the other one and the surgeon said that it wasn't unusual to have hormones all messed up at a time like this and that our breasts are the head lights to our soul. She wasn't surprised I was having some discomfort. But I have to say, it is making me nervous.

She said I needed to have an MRI next week on both of the girls to make certain that the cancer has not spread and then see the oncologist the next day for the first appointment. The surgeon said she could have kept me there all day talking, but she didn't want me to get overwhelmed or confused, so things need to go one step at a time. That works for me!

I am holding up the best I can. I have adopted the philosophy that I will allow myself to feel what I feel when I feel it. (Depending where I am at the time, of course!) So I cry when I want to and I cry hard. In the shower is a good place to let loose and it has become a daily ritual. But it is good, because once I get it all out of my system, I am ready to get on with the day.

I have always believed in the body/mind/spirit connections and I plan to do my own personal work in this area. I have started to see a counselor and I am going to be making some appointments with an energy healer.

My husband and I went away to Vermont for the weekend. We had a very nice and relaxing weekend and if there ever was a weekend I didn't want to end, this one was it!

In the middle of all this medical drama, my parents' house went on the market. We got together last week to sign the papers and give the house one last look over. We really did a great job renovating it, it looks beautiful. I was OK signing the papers, but on Friday when I looked it up on the Internet, I cried my eyes out.

I know I don't want to live in the house, we tried to go that route and it didn't feel right. It doesn't feel right selling it either, but we had to make that decision. For me, it is triggering all the grief I felt when I lost my dad and also the grief I am feeling over this illness. But I am just going to get through all of the feelings as best as I can and come out the other side in all of this.

That is all I can do, it is all any of us can ever really do.