Our accountant said he would do our taxes first and get them right back to us, because we have enough to deal with. A co-worker put a spring plant on my desk this morning. My sisters have Easter covered, I am not to cook a thing. People pass me in the hall at work and they rest their hand on my shoulder as they pass. People who usually don't stop by my office pop their heads in to check in on me. Just little ways to show they care about me yet these little things remind me that everything is different now.
Everything is different, but for most of the day I feel like my old self. Then I remember that I now have cancer and that heavy feeling sets in. It is panic, sadness, fear, dread, all rolled into one, and I need to hang on and ride the wave until it passes. I think every day the waves are coming a little further and further apart, which means that I am coming closer and closer to acceptance.
Since I heard the news all I have wanted to do is smash something. I want to lock myself into a room and fling old dishes hard against the wall. So since the desire to smash something is so strong (and I have a friend who felt the same when she was diagnosed, so I know I am not alone) I am contemplating a smashing session.
My girlfriend wants to put some pottery in a pillowcase and smash it up with a hammer and use the pieces for art work. And I will do that with her because I know it is something she wants to give me. But I know that smashing something against the wall will be far better therapy for me. And we can still use the pieces for art work!
So I must figure out a way to do this that is safe and won't wreck any walls or harm anything. I have some ideas so I will get working on that over the weekend and report back to tell you if the release is as good as I want it to be.
I guess this might sound odd to some of you. I am getting mixed reactions from friends, but it is something that I think I need to do and doggone it, I will!
Everything is different, but for most of the day I feel like my old self. Then I remember that I now have cancer and that heavy feeling sets in. It is panic, sadness, fear, dread, all rolled into one, and I need to hang on and ride the wave until it passes. I think every day the waves are coming a little further and further apart, which means that I am coming closer and closer to acceptance.
Since I heard the news all I have wanted to do is smash something. I want to lock myself into a room and fling old dishes hard against the wall. So since the desire to smash something is so strong (and I have a friend who felt the same when she was diagnosed, so I know I am not alone) I am contemplating a smashing session.
My girlfriend wants to put some pottery in a pillowcase and smash it up with a hammer and use the pieces for art work. And I will do that with her because I know it is something she wants to give me. But I know that smashing something against the wall will be far better therapy for me. And we can still use the pieces for art work!
So I must figure out a way to do this that is safe and won't wreck any walls or harm anything. I have some ideas so I will get working on that over the weekend and report back to tell you if the release is as good as I want it to be.
I guess this might sound odd to some of you. I am getting mixed reactions from friends, but it is something that I think I need to do and doggone it, I will!
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5 comments:
Sounds like fun in a good cause. Smash away! Also, don't be too "nice" while you're in the hospital. I read somewhere that women who insist on answers and complain when something isn't right to recover better than those who keep quiet so as not "inconvenience" others. Forget about all that. It makes me anxious just to write that, which just goes to show how well we've all been trained.
Again, this is YOUR dance-- so YOU lead. Smash anything and everything you want. Call me and I'll clean up any mess or damage. I promise.
And brava to all of those who aren't afraid to show you affection.
What a lovely blog - thank you for coming into my blog so I could find you. I can relate peripherally - my 3 daughters have autism and yes, anger is part of the package. I like the commenter who said, "It's your dance, you lead." Productive emotion is cathartic and can take the sting out of pent up emotion. KIM
So, have you had your smash party yet? If so, let us know...
if not---get to it. We are ALL FOR anything that will make you feel better. I am impressed with the folks that you spend your time around - whether it makes you feel funny or not, I am always happy to see people take an interest and care. Again, it's like letting others do for you..it's difficult but necessary.
Honey, hang in. Take care of yourself the best you can. Big Hugs. :)
Long ago I had a boyfriend with a bad temper, and he smashed things. One day I was so mad at him that I decided to throw everything off the dining room table. Plates, pots and pans, etc. It felt really good. Till I had to clean it up. I cried that my pots and pans were dented and my dishes broken. Still...I was glad I did it. It shocked him and I got out a lot of anger. In your case, the walls will be the problem. I wonder if there's anyplace outside you could go? You should.
Your emotions...I can imagine all of them. I think about how I would feel with the same diagnosis. The same as you. Cancer is everyone's worst fear. I'm sorry this evil thing is in your life. For now. I believe you'll fight it, and you'll survive it.
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