Checking in

It has been a week since treatment 4. I was home for 3 days and went back to work on Thursday. It always feels so good to go back to work. It means that I am clear headed and feel motivated! When I am recovering from chemo, I always have a little fear that I won't get past the side effects ever again. So when I feel good enough to go back to work  it is a wonderful feeling and a good marker for me.

I am still dealing with some annoying and  painful side effects as the chemo does a job on my digestive system, but when I feel clear headed I can handle the rest of the issues easier. I hope to be almost back to normal by the end of the week. 

So sorry for the anxiety ridden last post.  When I shared some of those issues from the blog post with a friend, she said that now I sounded more normal and that up until last week, she thought I was acting too much like a saint she was worried about me. She said she has been waiting for the dam to burst. She actually said that she thought too much positivity was not a good thing. 

I was a bit taken aback about being told I was acting like a saint. So many people have been telling me that they are proud of me for how I am handling this and that I am so positive. To be honest, I feel that everyone is watching me and judging me. So what if I was having a more difficult time coping, would they not be proud of me? It is weird to hear some of the comments people say to me. 

I assured my friend that the dam breaks all the time. That is why I go to art therapy once a week and see my mind/body energy healer once a week. I think that is why I can appear so "saintly" when I see my friends and family.  I don't know how people expect me to behave, but I am just behaving the way I am. My friend said she would feel better if I said the F word a bit.  I said the F word a lot in the beginning when I was smashing dishes in my back yard. I have moved on.

Another person close to me said that she could not bear to see me suffering. I had to tell her that I would not say that I was suffering. I have been damn lucky that the side effects have not been worse. I see people at treatment that are suffering and I know the difference.  So I have to comfort her and encourage her to let go of that suffering story so she can feel better. It gets exhausting trying to comfort people who think they are comforting me.

I am taking this coming week off from work. I plan to  visit with friends and do some fun stuff!