This was one of the tougher weeks I have had since my diagnosis. On Wednesday, I became ill with pain and some other symptoms that led me right to the doctor's office by early afternoon. After the check up he put me on antibiotics for a slight UTI, but he thought that it might more likely be a kidney stone and sent me for x-rays. It was the day before my 4th round of chemo, so we needed to have some answers.
I called my oncologist and they canceled my chemo for the next day. At first I was so disappointed. I was all psyched up to go and when they rescheduled me for next week, I realized how it was going to mess up my work schedule and then put me out another week for finishing up. I know setbacks come with the territory, but I was not planning for any! :-)
I spent Wednesday with pain that waxed and waned and was pretty uncomfortable and worried about how long it would take to pass a kidney stone and how painful I have heard that can be. But in my gut, I didn't think I had a stone. I was convinced it was a UTI. And I was RIGHT! X-ray did not show signs of anything and once on the antibiotic and a strong dose of Ibuprofen, I was good as new the next day.
But with chemo canceled, I just went to work as usual. The oncology department called me at 9:30 A.M. and said that the oncologist wanted me to come in for the chemo as planned since I did not have a temp and was on antibiotics. It sort of threw me that they called. I had work piled up on my desk to get through, I hadn't packed all our "chemo gear", I didn't even know if my husband was around to come with me, I had to find my boss and tell her I had to leave. I hadn't taken the rest of my steroids because they canceled me. I could feel my blood pressure go up, yet I wanted to go and get back on my schedule. So I started to rush around to get everything organized so I could go.
I call them back to tell them I am going to come. Then they said they would call me back to make sure my meds were there. I am running around trying to tie up loose ends, calling my husband telling him what to pack for me and just acting like a nut. All the while I am thinking... this is not a good way to go into chemo. I don't want to be a harried mess going into it, but I don't want to wait until next week either.
Finally they call me back, "Lena, we never ordered your treatment meds since they canceled you. We are sorry, but we can't take you today, can you come tomorrow?" I was relieved, I felt my blood pressure go down, and going on Friday still kept me on my weekly schedule! So I was happy about that. But then I remembered I needed my steroids if I was going to be going on Friday and I had to run home and get them to take them. This whole fiasco took about an hour with all the calls and running back home. It all worked out, but I sure wish they had checked out the medicine situation before they called me and got me in a tizzy!
And while all of this was going on, my husband was at the ER with my mother in law who was also not feeling well. He was with her all day long until she was admitted and feeling torn once again that he was not with me At one point I thought I would have to ask someone from work to take me to the doctor, but by the time I had my appointment I was able to drive.
I said to the nurse that I was feeling bad for that patient because she had a hard day and that she was all alone. The nurse said the woman's husband had been there and then could not handle it and he left her.
That made me feel so much worse for her.
The nurse said the woman didn't want to come back. I wish I could have talked to her and helped her, but obviously she didn't want to talk to anyone because she was so shut down. I don't blame her. So awful when
the first day of chemo sucks so bad. I kept feeling so grateful that my first day went so well, so that I was not afraid to go back.
On the other side of me were some serious sick patients with a lot of side effects and not so good prognosis. Harder day when sitting with people who are not doing well. I tried to just listen to my music and
drown out the stories. It is awful to not want to hear, but it is hard sometimes, and I heard lots anyways and tried to be supportive and yet protective of myself and my needs.
I was very anxious when I got home. I realized that I was just dealing with all this stuff being thrown at me and yet had not processed it all. Being sick on top of cancer threw me, my mother law had been doing so well, now back in hospital (since discharged and OK!), worrying about my husband handling all this care-taking, being around and trying to be supportive to some very seriously ill people. I used to be hospice volunteer, so I have the skills to work with people, but it is different now being in the middle of my own recovery. It all got to me and I realized that I don't know what normal is anymore and it made me sad.
Luckily, a friend called right when I was feeling so anxious that I wondered if I needed to go to the ER. Once I started to talk and tell her about the last 3 days, I felt the anxiety start to leave me, I calmed down, relaxed and felt like a normal person again. I had to feel the feelings of the past three days, not just try to run through the days like a bull in a china shop.
Share, feel, breathe, heal. That is how it works best for me. I slept like a baby last night.
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I hate when people tell me that they know how I feel, and there is no way they can --- so I am not going to say that to you here. However, I think I might know how I would feel, if I were in your shoes, at least as far as handling all the stress, on top of the very first thing that you must handle, which is in itself HUGE-HUGE-HUGE. I am a control freak, and all that is going on around you cannot be controlled by you - even if you didn't have the chemo to deal with. For me, that alone would be enough to send ME over the edge. I can only imagine the killer strength of the medical problems along with the spiritual healing that you are trying to manage. Honey - I SO feel for you. If you need to talk, I am always available and I am a super listener--by phone, email, text.
Chin up. Some days that is all we can manage...but always chin up.
Big hugs, friend. :)
Jamie 515-494-6975
Whew! Lena~I almost had an anxiety attack just listening to all you had to go through. I can't believe you're working through all this. You are one strong lady.
Just think, soon you'll be coming out on the other side & you'll get back to your old normal. Sometimes these new normals we have to go through can be tough but sometimes they're just what we need to shake things up a bit.
Sounds to me like you're dealing with it all so gracefully. Kind words for the caretaker, too. It does get hard for us to care for ourselves when our loved ones are ill & needy. Your husband sounds like a dream. Keep on truckin' sister...prayers are with you.
Maria
Jamie, thanks. I am feeling MUCH better today. You are right there are ups and downs and some days all we can do is keep our chin up.
I am shuffling through the days doing the best I can!
Getting ready to go to dinner and the beach with my hubby and a friend, need some fun!
Maria,
My girlfriend said the same thing that she could not breathe while hearing about all of this. It was hard, but you are right, it is the new normal for now!
Sorry for the almost anxiety attack! :-) It was such a long post, I didn't think anyone would read the whole thing. LOL
I am way better today because I shared it all and did not bury the feelings.
Reading your post made me stressed out too. I'm so glad you shared, and that you felt better in the end. And, I'm so glad you're at he beach!!
I had an "uh-oh" feeling halfway through your post. I just KNEW they weren't going to have your medicine, after they called you up and insisted that you drop everything and come right in. It sure looks to me that through all this you've found ways of keeping yourself in a good place.
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