Round one

I was considering last week to be my last week of "normal" before I started my treatments for colon cancer. I tried to enjoy every day and make it special. I went to museums, out to lunch, shopping, and visited friends.I stopped by my office and even made it to a going away party for a colleague. It was great to see everyone! 

Sunday we had a mass for my dad and my uncle and then the whole family went out for lunch. It was crowded in the restaurant, but they had a patio and since it was a beautiful day, we all sat outside and enjoyed a marvelous lunch. 

Last year around this time we had the mass for them as well. It was right after my diagnosis of the breast cancer and it was the first time I saw my aunts and cousins. And as fate would have it again, Sunday was the first time I saw them all since diagnosis number II. No one really knows what to say and so no one said anything until we said good-bye and everyone wished me luck with big hugs and kisses. 

Monday I reported to the hospital for my treatment. The day had finally arrived and I had not slept a wink the two nights before. Even though I have been through chemo before the anxiety of not knowing what to expect from all the new drugs was just too much to bear.

I am on a regimen called FOLFOX which is standard treatment for stage III colon cancer. I am getting 4 different medications. Monday and Tuesday I go into the hospital for IV drips of medication and an IV push. Then they send me home with more chemotherapy in a pump that I have to wear for 22 hours. The pump has a slower drip so that the cells are exposed longer to the chemo. 

I did not like the idea of being sent home with chemotherapy, but people do it all of the time. I have a toll-free number to call if the  pump malfunctions. I have bio-hazard bags in case there is a spill (which the nurse said has never happened, much to my relief!) It is cumbersome and annoying and it is tricky to shower without getting it wet, so I needed to have a hand held shower.

One of the side effects to one of the meds is a cold sensitivity, because the medication effects the nerve endings. This means I cannot drink cold drinks or  have cold food nor touch cold objects. I need to wear gloves to take things out of the refrigerator.  Some people don't get the sensitivity, some have it only a few days and some have it the whole time. I have been very careful so I don't really know if I have it or not. 

If you drink something cold, you feel like your throat is constricting and you feel like you can't breathe. So I am only drinking room temperature liquids because I don't want to find out what that feels like at all!!! I wash my hands in warm water and I wear gloves when I open the refrigerator, so far I have not felt anything because I am taking all precautions.

Today is day 3 and my pump should be done by noon. Then I head over to the hospital and they take off the pump and de-access my port and round 1 will be done leaving 11 more to go. 

Then I wait and see what other side effects might come over me. 

I am supposed to go back to work on Monday and I have no idea what to do. I have to say that being home for one month makes it hard to want to go back even though most of the time I was home I was recuperating.  But I just have to wait and see how I feel by Monday and then make a decision. I can extend my family leave time if I need to. 

So up ward and onward!

Good energy

With all of the medical appointments I have been going to, I never made it for my post-chemo dental appointment. Some of you may know that when you are having chemotherapy you are not allowed to have dental work done due to the risk of infection. So I realized I needed to get in to see the dentist for not only my post chemo appointment, but also a pre-chemo appointment before the new rounds begin.

My dentist's office was really good and squeezed me into a cancellation the very next day. I was seeing a different hygienist, but that was fine as long as they could take me. So I had to update her on my medical history. Anytime I tell the story of still being in treatment for breast cancer and going in soon for colon cancer treatments, people just stop in their tracks and look at me. They don't know what to say after,"I am so sorry." There is nothing to say so I just try to move the conversation along. So Alison and I got along well chit chatting in-between rinses like you do when you are getting your teeth cleaned.

When we were all done she called the dentist to come in and check my teeth. The dentist comes into the room in a great mood and says, "So what is the good news in here?" The dental hygienist and I look at each other. I say laughingly, "Well, there is NO good news in here." The hygienist quickly tells the dentist I am there for a pre-chemo cleaning and I interjected the rest of the story.

The dentist's smiling face quickly turns to a look of concern and then she addresses me. She said, " I could hear you two laughing and talking during the appointment. I could feel such good energy. And I come in and find out what you are dealing with. I can't believe it. Usually I walk in to see a patient and sense negative energy and all they do is complain and it is all about nothing. You are amazing and I am sure your attitude will help you get through this." 

Little did I know she was over hearing us during the hour appointment and it made me feel good that she sensed good energy from me. I know I will only make it easier on myself if I stay as upbeat as I can, but it isn't easy. And I still allow for time to be sad and mad and wanting to get God on the phone right this minute!! The praying and meditating is taking too long to give me the answers I want! 

So I take in her compliment and allow it to make me feel good, really good. Every little thing that makes me feel good matters to me in a big way now.

So the two of them were standing there as I was getting up to leave. They didn't  quite know what to say, but I did. I said, "One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, chin up and all that jazz." 

I know my cliches!

It's not fair

I had a week to have it sink in that I needed chemotherapy again before I sat down with my oncologist. It was hard at first to take it in especially because there was such a good chance that all I needed would be the surgery to remove the tumor. I believed I would be OK and I had hundreds of people praying for me. 

So I moped around some at home and stayed as up beat as I could with friends and family. I have been through chemo before, I did pretty well, I know what to expect, I should be able to do this. I hoped that the number of rounds might be even less for this time around. I was the master of self positive talk all week.

Everything I hoped and prayed for went out the window during this appointment. First they called and said he wanted me to come at a different time so he could spend a longer time with me. Red flag. I cringed a little when the receptionist said that to me. Longer time? Why? I just want to know how many rounds, it should not take that long. Oh, dear.. I am going to get a curve ball. I can feel it.

So he comes in and tells me that I will need chemo. He didn't realize the surgeon told me already. He asked lots of questions about family history. There is no history of colon cancer in my family. I am the first one.  They want to do genetic testing. At first I cringe thinking more tests for me. But all they do is test the tumor.

The oncologist proceeds to tell me that I have stage III colon cancer (not early stage as the G.I. doctor thought.) I am going to need 12 cycles of chemo, every 2 weeks, for 6 months. Gulp. The side effects of the chemotherapy are a lot more intense than I had with the other chemotherapy. (Twice as many rounds as I had with the chemo for the breast cancer.)  I will need 3 days in the row to go into the hospital and have infusions then wear a pump at home over night for 2 nights.

He would give me the information a bit at a time, very slowly and calculated looking straight into my eyes. I sat up straighter and did not flinch. I saw no reason to say anything. In these situations there is nothing to be said. I could not wheel and deal my way out of it, I was backed up into a corner and the only way out is to submit. "I understand I have to suck this up," I said.  He looked at me and said, "It isn't fair. I hated coming in here to tell you this news. Usually it is the patient who says it isn't fair, and here I am telling you it isn't fair."

I don't think it is fair either, but stating it doesn't change a thing.

A year later

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with her 2 positive breast cancer. I have had 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 sessions of radiation,  taking a hormone pill,  and have been on Herceptin an I.V. drug almost one year. The last dose should be the end of May. I have been through a lot and I would like to say that although it wasn't easy, it was easier than I thought it would be. I lucked out in some ways as far as not experiencing some of the more intense side effects. 

Now a year later, here I sit one week after surgery for a cancerous tumor in my colon. The tumor was removed, my colon reattached and my lymph nodes biopsied. They found out that I have 2 positive lymph nodes and will require more chemo therapy. I had no idea how many lymph nodes there are. My doctor said there are hundreds of them and to only have 2 positive puts it into perspective, but because the cancer traveled into my nodes at all, means they will have to treat it aggressively. 

I see my oncologist on Friday to find out what the treatment plan will entail. I have no idea if he will also recommend radiation and I have no idea how many rounds of chemo. They did tell me however, that the chemo they use for colon cancer does not  make you lose your hair. I found that to be a comfort, since I just got my hair BACK! I don't know what other side effects I will need to deal with and I am waiting to have the appointment to learn what is in store for me.

I know that everyone feels badly for me. It was not the news that I wanted to hear and the surgeon told me when I was getting ready to leave the hospital last Friday. When she walked in and said, "We have to talk," my heart sank. 

 I learned a great deal about myself last year. I am stronger than I think I am and I have a very supportive circle of family and friends who are standing by my side once again. I can do this. I did it once and I can do it again. I will keep working all the angles; art therapy, counseling, massage, all the things that helped me to cope last year and hopefully I will get through it again and it will the last time! 

A room with a view

I am blogging from my hospital room. Surgery went very well on Monday. My sister gave me a St. Joseph medal in honor of St. Joseph's day on Monday and they let me pin it on my pillow during surgery.

The surgeon said she got all of the tumor and was able to get good margins, too. We are waiting for the pathology report.

My stay in the hospital has been very good, everyone is so kind and efficient and it makes it so much easier to be here. I have a private room because all of the rooms here are private and I have a big window with a great view of the sky and the clouds. very uplifting to see everyday.

I have been doing very well with my recovery. I am up and walking when ever I can and the pain is getting better every day.

I have graduated to clear liquids and am waiting for my tray today. First time I am getting a tray since I have been here. Ice chips were getting old!

Saturday update

 Thank you all for your kind words of support! I so appreciate that you all checked in with me.

I took my leave of absence from work.  Last Friday was my last day for about one month.  I decided to take the week off before my surgery because I so needed some time to myself. It has been way too much this past year.  My co-workers were so sweet and gave me a gift certificate to a local musical theater for a send off gift. It will be a great thing to do when I am feeling better!  People were coming up to me with all kinds of supportive and loving remarks with intentions to pray for me. It was so comforting and I felt so lucky to have so many caring people around me. 

I tried to take some time for myself this week as well as run around to all the doctor appointments I had to keep. I had a massage, Reiki last week, meditated, art therapy, went to a new workshop on SoulCollage (will write more on that later) went to lunch with my husband, shopped with my sister, and napped when ever I could. Tried to get a head of the housework, but gave that up. 

On Monday, March 19, I will be having laprascopic surgery. I am going in around 9:00 A.M. hopefully surgery will be around 10:00 A.M. They will remove the tumor and reattach my colon. I have spoken to 3 people who have had this surgery and they all have done fine. Very encouraging!  I will be in the hospital anywhere from 3- 6 days and recovery time should be 2-3 weeks.

The tumor will go to pathology and we will await the report for the stage. The G.I. doctor said early stage, but there is no mention of the staging on the report. I am most anxious about getting that report to know what the treatment plan will be. I know... one day at a time... that is all I can do ... all I have been doing.

I have been working through my feelings not burying them. I go from sad, mad, scared, and then manage to go about my day and be as happy as possible. Then at some point, it starts all over again.  I ride the waves like I did last time. One foot in front of the other with faith and support is the only way to go forward. 

I had my first mammogram since last year on Thursday. I had 3 dreams that it would be fine and it was. It was nice to have someone come in and give me good news and hug me. I want more good news. 

And so it is.

Deja vu

A couple of weeks ago I was able to go into work without my wig and show off my own newly grown  hair. Some people call it chemo hair, but I don't like that term.  My hair now is kind of curly in the back and very thick and soft on the top.  All of the women at work were so happy to see me with my own hair. They hugged me and some cried because it meant that I was on the upswing, I was getting closer to being well. So many wanted to touch my hair as it just looked so soft.  One friend hugged me and said that she knew only good things would be in store for me now. I was on my way to wellness.

When she said that, I felt anxiety creep up and down my back. I knew I was bleeding and that all my doctors were on high alert and the colonoscopy was scheduled. I wanted to believe what my friend was saying was true, but deep down I think I knew that this was not the end of the road for me and cancer. 

When the doctor called me and told me I had colon cancer, I just wrote it down matter of fact. After the colonoscopy the doctor asked me if I wanted to be called or come in for the news of the biopsy report. I wanted him to call, I wanted the news the fastest way possible. I have been through this before, I knew what it was like.

I didn't even call my husband to come up stairs to be a part of the phone conversation. The doctor called on my cell and my husband never heard the phone ring. 

A few minutes later I was in the bathroom and I hear my husband come up the stairs. I matter of fact shouted out, "colon cancer." "WHAT??" he says. Then I realized how cruel that was. I quickly went to him and told him the doctor had called and what he said. My husband was devastated. He began to hug me so tight that it hurt my scars and my port and I had to tell him  it was too painful. But I wanted to hang on for dear life at the same time.

I knew from my symptoms that something was terribly wrong and expected the bad news. I hoped for good news, but wasn't surprised when it wasn't good.

So the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I could almost post all my blog posts from last year over again, because so much is the same. I am sad, mad, and so scared. I am not even done with the treatment for breast cancer and have my very first mammogram post surgery next week!

I have had people from every faith praying for me. I have done all I could do to heal myself with integrative therapies and what I get is MORE cancer?  It has shaken the foundation of so many of the things I believe in. 

I am still going to be who I am and still do the things I have done because it did make sense to me then, even if I am doubting now.

It is a hard time for me and I have to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this journey. I hope that I can learn the lessons I am supposed to learn so that I can heal this sorrow and this disease that has made a second appearance in my life.

I thank you all for your continued support and prayers and hanging in here with me.

P.S. And my husband is warning people that if they tell me I am an inspiration to them that I will punch them in the face.  It is good advice!