Personal days are great

I am totally enjoying how relaxing today has turned out to be. I am doing some packing for our vacation which will be in a couple of weeks. I spent about one hour in the pool and came out of there feeling so refreshed and relaxed.

I did a couple of errands and will resume my packing. It is fun to read blogs during the day and get to be first on the comments for a change.

I am looking forward to watching Oprah today. They are doing another show about the Law of Attraction and they are taking questions from the audience. It should be interesting. Martha Beck will be talking about the Vision Board. I made one, but there isn't much on it. A vision board is made up of things that you want to attract in your life. It is like visual goal setting with the universe so to speak. I have a picture of healthy knees on it because I am striving for my knees to get better, and after the scare I had these past couple of weeks with my heart, I am adding a healthy heart to it as well.

You can see that I haven't gone way out putting money and material things on it. I am going to try to do some of that was well. I always feel guilty wanting things. Most things I want are fairly simple. But I guess it doesn't hurt to think big once in a while and see what happens!

I have relaxed quite a bit, now it is time to get some house work done around this place, before I go and have dinner with my friend.

Enjoy your day!!

Update

I am taking off the next two days for some personal time. I have been filling in for 6 people for the past week and a half. It was crazy, it was nuts. So for my mental health I had to do something positive for me. I would just end up losing my personal time if I did not take it, so I decided not to be such a martyr.

So I am meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and not sure what else I will do.

I heard from my doctor today. All tests were normal. They discovered one problem, but it is small compared to what they were looking for. So I am relieved and want to thank you for all the concern.

Now I have to decide when I will go in and have my tooth pulled. I am dragging my heals on that one. Has anyone had any experience with getting a tooth implant? I am considering one and know nothing about them other than what the surgeon told me.

Don't you love how you go in and the tell you information and they expect you to make a decision right then and there? I need to ask around, Google information and most importantly... work on getting my nerve up!

100 Things about me

1. I am the middle sister, no brothers.
2. My parents are well into their 80’s God Bless them.
3. I was a stay at home mom for a few years. Loved it.
4. I am afraid to fly.
5. I collect heart shaped rocks.
6. My 33 years of marriage has been worth all of the hard work.
7. I am proud of the men my sons have become.
8. I try to pay attention to my gut feelings.
9. I have always enjoyed reading about spirituality.
10. I love to laugh, but don’t laugh as hard or as often as I used to.

11. I love to read, but kind of heavy on the self help category.
12. I didn’t want an I-Pod, but I enjoy the one I got for a gift.
13. I love talking on the phone.
14. I am not much of a shopper.
15. I can be scattered.
16. I am not ashamed to cry in public.
17. If I had a chance to live my life over… I would believe in myself.
18. I grew up on a farm.
19. I stopped coloring my hair a few years ago.
20. The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck is an all time favorite book of mine.
21. I used to iron my hair when I was in high school.
22. I met Andy Rooney from 60 minutes at a picnic.
23. My first date with my husband was to a Joan Baez concert.
24. My zodiac sign is cancer. (July 1).
25. West Side Story was the first musical live play I ever saw when I was a kid.
26. I want to stamp out lookism.
27. I like to have company, but rarely entertain.
28. My two best friends are friends from Jr. high school
29. I go to my parents’ house just about every week for Sunday dinner.
30. I can’t calculate math in my head.
31. I enjoy taking photographs.
32. I wish I had a best friend friendship like Gayle King and Oprah have.
33. I have over 5,000 songs on my Launch cast radio station.
34. I am a terrible speller, thank goodness for spell check.
35. I like to stay under the radar.
36. Paul was my favorite Beatle.
37. I am a creature of habit.
38. I used to run a home day care when my first son was little.
39. I sat next to Fran Drescher’s uncle at a taping of The Rosie O’Donnell Show.
40. My favorite vegetable is asparagus.
41. I love stir fry with tofu.
42. I was in 5th grade when JFK was assassinated.
43. I met my husband in high school.
44. I never quite feel like I fit in.
45. I love blogging more than I imagined I would.
46. I believe in miracles.
47. I used to teach pre-school.
48. I spend every Christmas Eve with over 50 relatives from my mother’s side of the family.
49. I enjoy award shows.
50. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated.
51. I have the best dreams and I usually remember them.
52. We used to help out my dad by wiping tomatoes to get them ready for market.
53. I loved getting tractor rides from my dad on the farm.
54. I miss wearing flip flops and the sound of them makes me sad.
55. I tape The View everyday, but I wouldn’t say it is my favorite show.
56. I miss my natural black hair, I dream about it sometimes.
57. I used to be a hospice volunteer.
58. I had an out of the body experience once.
59. I wish I had a good enough voice to be a singer.
60. I take a Feldenkrais class every week.
61. I spend way too much time on my laptop.
62. I hope to be a grandmother someday.
63. I am a firm believer in the mind/body connection.
64. If I could wear jeans and sneakers everyday I would.
65. I was almost published in Chicken Soup for the Soul, Christmas Edition.
66. I enjoy making whirlpools in my pool.
67. I am on the anxious side.
68. I am a good listener.
69. I can be a party pooper.
70. Kathy Griffin cracks me up… there I said it.
71. I enjoy playing badminton in the back yard.
72. Bocce ball is fun for me, too.
73. My favorite game when I was a kid was called Bus School. (we made it up)
74. I remember the feeling of losing my imagination as a kid.
75. I love getting my hair and make-up done.
76. I enjoy massages.
77. I am a sucker for reality TV shows.
78. My dog Missy taught me about unconditional love.
79. I enjoy kids more than adults, they are so honest.
80. I want to give up diet soda, but I still drink it.
81. I don't take compliments graciously.
82. I will pick garlic mashed potatoes over rice any day.
83. Coffee ice cream is my favorite.
84. I admire vegetarians, but don’t have the conviction for myself.
85. I like getting the healing kind of chills.
86. Lighting candles in a church is comforting to me.
87. I make a great apple pie.
88. I am not easily motivated.
89. I was bullied in elementary school.
90. I was blessed to have had a stable home life growing up.
91. I am impatient with people who talk too much.
92. I like to make collages.
93. My pain-body gets the best of me still.
94. I want to be a better friend.
95. I have learned to question my thinking.
96. I strive to be happy instead of right.
97. I enjoy gem stones.
98. It is hard for me to forgive myself.

99. I love to get comments on my blog.

100. Speaking up for myself still doesn't come easy.

Time to wake up

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support the past couple of weeks. You all have been a comfort to me in so many ways. When I started blogging, I had no idea how fond I would become of fellow bloggers.

I got through my tests today. While there are still some question as to what is going on, they let me leave! The technician said that was a good thing, so I will take that. I will have to wait for next week to get the full report and see what the recommendations will be. In many ways this is a big wake up call for me, and I will take it as such. Curious to see where this will all lead.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I am exhausted from work. I have been so busy there by myself . I am trying to figure out ways so this no longer happens to me in the future! It is a crazy set up. My son said something to me last night like, "You know mom, you don't have to work like you are the CEO." He is right. I have to look at balancing better. I am sort of obsessive about work, but not other things I should be giving more attention to.

A big thunderstorm is rolling in now...seems like we have had one everyday lately. But the weather is cool and it makes for comfortable sleeping.

I am working on my list of 100 things about me. It is fun to do, but takes time!

Almost Friday

Work this week is pretty much just me. Everyone is off and will be back in a couple of weeks. I work during this time because of the nature of my position. I have to be there to process new applications. But instead of concentrating on what I have to do, I end up tying up loose ends for others....many others.

I was on edge today thinking about going for part one of the medical test after work and I was annoyed with all of the extra work that I ended up doing this week. I was a grouch, but I was alone so I was only making myself suffer with my grumbling thoughts.

I was checking my email and I opened an email from my niece. I am so proud of her. She just graduated from College and is already working in a big company on Fifth Avenue. She wrote to me for some advice and wrote in her e-mail that she was asking me for advice because she sees me as a "positive spirit." When I read that line, I burst into tears! It hit me hard because I haven't been feeling positive about much these last few weeks.

That e-mail made my day though. Because even though I may not feel positive all the time on the inside, I am being positive on the outside, enough that my niece has noticed and came to me because of it.

Anyway, that e-mail came at the right time for me. I stopped feeling so sorry for myself and got on with my day.

I went for my test this afternoon and I got through it with a lot of prayers. Now I have to get through tomorrow morning which will be more grueling. The technician said I will know the outcomes tomorrow. They won't let me leave if there are problems.

I am going outside to do some yard work now, it is a cool evening and it is calling to me.

Now or never

I am not happy with my job. There are parts of it I do enjoy, but it is so stressful on so many levels that I think it is getting to me. I have learned to "fake it till you make it," but now I am realizing that faking it has only made me feel like a fake. And I have been faking it for far too long.

I need to make changes. I need to get serious and do it.

Day off

I took the day off today to take my mother to the doctor. She needed to get a third opinion about her eye. She had a cataract removed in March and she has been having complications since. The specialist she was referred to is right around the corner from my house. But I had to drive up to her town which is 25 minutes away to pick her up and bring her. Doctor said her eye looks good, but she should be seeing better, so he will have her eye doctor tweak her glasses. Whew, good news, finally.

After the appointment we came to my house. She hasn't been here in a while. She wanted to see our new laminate floor and my husband's latest painting. My son was home and the 3 of us went out to Panera Bread for lunch. My son is driving her back home now to save me another trip.

I was in a very panicky kind of mood this morning, so it was good I had something to distract myself with, and focus on my mom instead of myself.

I am scheduled for more medical procedures on Thursday and Friday. My appointments last week got cancelled because they could not get the insurance approval in time.

My doctor has assured me not to stress that even if it is what they suspect, it is treatable. So day to day I am struggling keeping negative thoughts at bay. Last night I dreamed I went in for the testing. When I arrived there were two lines. One for a funeral and my sister was waiting in that line. The doctor came out and pulled me into the testing room. I somehow walked away while I was waiting for him to set up and I was walking outside of a hospital checking on the tulips that I had planted all around the building. He came to get me for the tests, and that is all I remember.

Everyone knows how nerve wracking it is to have medical tests and stay relaxed until you know what there is to worry about, or not. I am just aware of how negative my thoughts become and I try so hard to give myself positive messages. So it is about 50/50. Half the time I am thinking disaster and half the time I am in the now. Life long habits are hard to break for me.

When my son was driving away with my mom, I was in the garage and the door to the house was locked. I couldn't get in the house and in that instant I thought I was locked out. I didn't wait for the garage door to open completely because he was driving away and I got on my knees and crawled under the barely open garage door while screaming my son's name.

He saw me and stopped the car to tell me that the front door was open. I wish you could have seen the look on his face.... like psycho mom was crawling out of her cave. I am laughing now, but man... my poor knees are sore from crawling on the cement! My knee is not in good shape as it is... what was I thinking??

Happy Father's Day

This is my dad from about 30 years ago. Dad retired from farming when he was 80 years old, he is 88 now. Although he is in constant pain everyday, he still is able to plant a garden in the back yard. He leans against his walker, and uses the hoe to loosen the dirt and then drops the plant in the hole, and uses the hoe to tamp the dirt down. No raised garden for him.

My son and I both love our music and spend a great deal of time listening to it. I like music from many genres and pretty much judge a song as a favorite if it moves me to tears or gives me the goosebumps.

My youngest is into the punk-rock scene and really enjoys burning me CD's of his music that he thinks I will enjoy. Much to my surprise, there are many songs that I love and I play them over and over again in my car. Our tastes are quite similar when it comes to the lyrics of the songs, even though musically are favorites just are miles apart.

The latest CD he made for me was songs by New Found Glory. There is one song on it that I have played just about exclusively for the past two days, called Good To Be. I just love it. When I got into the car this morning, he had left the CD from when he used my car last night set to start off right at my favorite song. I thought it was so sweet of him.

Just a little joy for today.

Shhhhhh

I don't like to be a keeper of secrets, unless of course it is great news that will eventually be shared with everyone. But I am being asked to keep secrets all over the place lately and I find it a burden. They are all work related so I don't have a choice. I am very good at keeping secrets so I am totally trust worthy. But I find it stressful because sometimes the missing link of communication is in the secret and it I could share it, I know it would bring clarity. But I bite my tongue because I was asked to do so, and when I give my word, I keep it.

It's a heat wave

Two days of a heat wave and so far, it is pretty unbearable. Tomorrow there is already a heat advisory in effect.

So after Sunday dinner at my parents house, I came home and decided that I wanted to go and see "Sex in the City." My sister and I were planning to go together yesterday, but it didn't work out. So I decided at the last minute to just go on my own, and I couldn't think of a better place to keep cool than a movie theater!

I was never one of those women who was a follower of the show, because we don't have HBO. I caught it in reruns and knew the back stories well enough. I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would. I am not into fashion and my life growing up on a farm in a small New England town is just about as far away from the Sex in the City girls as one could be. But the movie took me away for an afternoon of fantasy and distraction from my day to day routine. I loved watching the fashion, glamor and the NYC life.

This will be a very busy week with it being the last week of school. I am bracing myself for all the last minute parents who will be calling and wanting to come in for an interview before Friday. For some reason everyone tends to wait until the last minute!

Thought for today

Compassion

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong.

Because sometime in your life you will have been all of these."

~ George Washington Carver

Sunday morning

I awoke very early for a Sunday and to my delight Post Secrets were already loaded at 6:35 A.M. today. Those are fun to read and I wait for them all week.

Yesterday was a lounge around lazy day for me. I think I was still reeling from the rest of the week. We did go out later in the evening to one of our favorite spots in town for a nice quiet dinner with our son.

My primary care doctor never called to follow up on my tests from Wednesday and to schedule the next set of tests. I left a detailed message on Thursday afternoon because I have so many questions. Some things just don't add up to me, and I want answers. Or at the very least the opportunity to ask the questions. I love my doctor and trust her as much as I would trust any doctor, but not returning a phone call is unacceptable to me. I will give it until noon tomorrow and call again.

When the doctor at the hospital was talking to me giving me tests results he said this to me," I don't want you walking out of here thinking your are dying." CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I wasn't thinking like that at all - until he brought it up. No need to mention anything but the facts, doctor man.

My son's dog on the other hand is getting excellent medical care. He went to the doctor this week because he had hives and was throwing up. The doctor did all kinds of blood work on him, and gave him medication. The very next morning at 8:00 A.M. the vet called to see how Tucker was doing. And this vet makes house calls when necessary!

On top of worrying about those tests, I have tooth infection and it could abscess at any time. I am going to the oral surgeon this week for an evaluation. Now I can't tell you how much I hate the dentists and the like. Seems my anxiety has become worse over the years around this. So I am dreading going and even thinking about all of this.

I think of Eckhart's quote, "What you resist, persists." I realize I have to come to acceptance to get to a positive place and just deal with it all. The tooth can be taken care of and I won't have to worry about it flaring up at the wrong time.

It is a beautiful day outside and I am going to go out and enjoy it. Later we will go and have Sunday dinner at my parents' house and visit my FIL still in intensive care.

The pool cover is off, so it won't be long before I am making whirlpools out in the back yard. I can't wait, as it is my favorite little joy.