Fixed!

I must say that I am very proud of myself for fixing the blog problem so that my side bar has returned!! YEAH! I e-mailed my son and told him that I did it on my own and I know he will be happy to not have to bail me out of another computer glitch!

I really have no idea what I am doing technically on this blog, lots of hit or miss and it is so fun when I get some stuff right!

I still have some more problems to work on, some of my options have disappeared from my edit pages, but I will figure it all out with time. And I have my son on stand by.

Work Prep

Well, I am off to a good start for back to work tomorrow. I cooked an eggplant Parmesan (with fresh sweet basil from the garden) tonight so I don't have to worry about supper tomorrow. I have tweezed the eyebrows, and other unsightly hairs... another fun thing about getting older. Lunch will be served at the office, so I don't have to pack one. Don't know why I hate packing lunch so much, but I do. I have my brief case all set, and I am working on not obsessing about a phone call I received from a colleague at 5:15 P.M. today.

Long story. I just want to stay positive so I decided I needed to let that conversation go as soon as I hung up the phone. I just hope when my head hits the pillow, I will be able to close my eyes, fall asleep and not worry about work stuff!

All I have left to do is iron my clothes for tomorrow, and wait for the eggplant to cool off so I can put it in the fridge.

Rat Race

I woke up with the butterflies in my stomach today. It is the day before going back to work after a whole two weeks off. It was a real good 2 weeks as far as just being able to relax and do what ever the heck I wanted when I wanted.

It ended up being a nice balance of spending time with my elderly parents, hanging out with my son when he came home, catching up on chores, and doing some things that I wanted to do just for me. A very simple couple of weeks, yet that is what I enjoy the most.

So going back to the rat race is not going to be so much fun. I won't complain too much though, as there are so many people out of work, that I am grateful that I have a job to go to.

I just wish I could stay on top of everything at home and in my personal life when I am working.

Still juggling after all of these years.

Mother Teresa

I was blown away last night when I saw the piece on Mother Teresa on the news. She doubted God's existence yet she continued on with her work every day and kept smiling. Deep down she was a tormented soul, but never let it show.

She wanted her letters destroyed, but no one respected her wishes and now all her most inner most thoughts will be made into a book so they can make lots of $$$$. OK, I should hold my judgement, maybe the money will be donated to her charities.

It bothered me that they did not destroy her letters as she wished. It was the least they could have done for her, a woman that I don't think asked for much, if anything for herself.

I just can't help wondering that if she were a man or the Pope, would those wishes have been honored?

Motherhood

Today was a nice day. Just sort of hung around the house and organized paperwork and things in the house and caught up on chores.

Last minute I called my sons and asked if they wanted to come over for a barbecue.

It is nice now that the boys are well into their 20's that our relationship has evolved into more of a friendship. Well, they will always be "the kids" to us and we will always have opinions and advice about their lives, hopefully only when asked for, although at times it will be unsolicited -lol.

They grew up so very fast. I wish that I could remember more of the day to day stuff, but it is hard to recall. As a mom I was working and going to school and it was so hard to juggle it all. I am thankful that I wasn't a single mom having to do it all alone, because I don't know how single moms do it.

I think deep in my heart I wanted to be a stay at home mom.. just like my mom. I was lucky that I was able to be home with the boys when they were infants and toddlers, and went to work when they entered pre-school. I know that in the end, working was a good thing for me though, so no regrets.

But I do believe with all of my heart that a mom or dad should try to be home with the infant for at least a year. It is a very rewarding experience. You can't get the time back, so it is worth every sacrifice if one of the parents can stay home with the child. But I also know that in this day and age it is a very difficult thing to do financially.

I go to Google the book I have listed below and find that it is now out of print! OK, so it was a long time ago when I raised my kids!! But the book can be had as a used book. Good interview with Ms. McBride though. I loved her book so much I wrote to her and she responded. So here is my favorite book on motherhood: The Growth and Development of Mothers, by Angela Barron McBride. http://www.mothersmovement.org/features/06/02/angela_barron_mcbride_1.html

Summer Dream

Summer is just about over and for the first time today, I heard Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts on the radio. Kinda late in the season, but still glad that I heard it.

Last night I had a dream that I met Paul Newman. I was at one of his movies and I ran into him in the lobby. I was the first one there and he was sitting on the floor incognito. In the dream he was as nice as could be to me and so it was a very sweet dream. I always wonder why I dream of a particular person or celeb. Not that I even think about Paul Newman in my day to day life.. but there he was in that dream and as dreams go, it was filled with good feelings.

Sandwich Generation

All of my aunts and uncles are in their upper 80's now. All are dealing with the Golden Years and finding out that well... they are not so golden. They hurt from all kinds of joint pains, and suffer all kinds of medical issues, because "the body is not built to last that long" as my acupuncturist says.

I brought my dad to visit is 89 year old sister today who is suffering the after affects of a stroke. While she could not hold a reciprocal conversation nor say our names, it was evident by her smile that she knew who we were. I saw my dad swallow his tears at seeing his sister so incapacitated, so he began telling her great grandchild all about how strong she used to be and how she picked beans on the farm. He broke out into a huge smile thinking about those long ago days.

My dad hasn't ventured out too much these past few years, but he pushed himself to visit his sister and felt good that he was able to.

Getting older isn't what I expected it would be. I never thought that I would give it a thought and I could accept it and not look back. But it sneaks up on you and starts to put a damper on the little things in your life, even if you are relatively healthy. Now when our friends get together, there is a lot of talk about health and medical issues and lots of laughing over how forgetful we are all getting and how much harder it is to get up off the couch.

The best part is that we are all in this together and we can support one another and figure out most of the stuff we are worried about is normal!

So here I am a baby boomer in the sandwich generation. Trying to do what I can to help my parents in their "Golden Years", and nurturing and lending my hand to our young adult children when needed.

It is all good.

Comments

I have been writing this blog since the winter now and just started with a counter, so I have no idea how many bloggers have landed here until recently. No one has ever left comments though, and I wish once in a while some people took the time to do so.

I understand it though. I used to read blogs and never leave comments, because I was never sure of what to say that didn't sound lame. But I have since changed my mind and sort of consider visiting a blog, like knocking on some one's door at home. If they are not there, I would leave a note to say that I stopped by to say hello.

So now when I stop to actually take time to read a blog, I try to leave a post, no matter how small, to say that I stopped by and give some positive feedback.

After all the time we all spend on our blogs, it is nice to know that other bloggers are stopping by, and maybe something they saw or read on the blog mattered to them.

It is the little things in life that give us all a lift!

Hope with Heart

My son was born 23 years ago with a hole in his heart and a clogged valve, the medical term for it is Tetrology of Fallot. At the tender age of 2 and a half months old, he underwent open heart surgery and had a Teflon- like patch put on the hole and they opened up and widened his valve. The surgery was relatively new at the time as it had only been done for this type of problem on infants for five years.

My baby boy came through the surgery with flying colors and has been able to live a life with normal activity. But because of the scar he displayed on his chest from the surgery he was eligible to attend a couple of different camps for children who have undergone heart surgery.

I didn't realize until he went away to the heart camp that he always felt uncomfortable about the scar on his chest. Whenever he was swimming with his friends, the other kids questioned his scar. He felt different from the other kids and the first time he went swimming at the heart camp with a pool full of other kids with scars on their chests, he felt like he really belonged.

His heart camp friends have become like a second family to him over the years, and as he became older he decided he wanted to become a counselor at the camp.

He came home this week from working at heart camp and as always, he comes home on a emotional high as well as an emotional low. Over the years my son has experienced the loss of many of his campers and counselors who were not as lucky to survive the broken hearts that they were born with.

He met a young boy this summer who has been waiting for a heart transplant. His parents found out on the week of his birthday that he is not going to be eligible for the transplant, dashing all their hopes for some kind of medical intervention that could save his life.

So they pick him up from camp, knowing that they will have to give him the news that he will not be getting the only birthday present he really wanted, the only gift that he really needed.

I listen to my son tell me about how great camp is, how happy the parents are because most of them don't see their kids smiling at all during the year because they are hospitalized most of the time, not only with heart problems, but cancers and other rare diseases on top of that.

It is hard for him to see his campers getting sicker each year instead of better. As a mother I count our blessings and admire the way my son has made a commitment to the camp and how he deals with the sadness of it all. I am proud of the man he has become.

I know that the camp has a theme song... We all need somebody to lean on...and some people sure need a lot more folks to lean on than most of us... and I send them prayers every single day.

John Lennon

US vs John Lennon was on tonight on VH1. Interesting to watch in hindsight. I was so young when all of that was going on and I really didn't know the scope of the situation. Brought up so many memories of the 60's personally and nationally.

Doesn't seem like things have changed that much from Nixon to Bush. If only peace could be profitable... only then would there be an end to war.

Sobbed my eyes out at the end, remembering December 8, 1980 when John died. I was sleeping in my bed and the clock radio came on with the news. I didn't say a word or move a muscle. I closed my eyes wanting to go back to sleep and pretend that I didn't hear the news and nothing happened.

Finally, my husband called my name. He knew how upset I would be, as I was a true blue Beatles' fan. That was a sad day, with everyone calling me to see how I was, and I felt weird for feeling so sad because I didn't know him in real life. But as the day unfolded and I saw the impact his death made on people from across the world, I knew it was a phenomenon beyond words. A spiritual connection.

Yoko called for 10 minutes of silence to honor him. I had never seen such a thing before. My husband and I thought about where we wanted to be and how to spend that 10 minutes. So we walked up the hill of my parent's farm in silence. When we came back we discovered that all the TV and radio stations had stopped broadcasting for the entire 10 minutes and just showed a picture of John.

Well, it is all too ironic that John won his fight to stay in the country and here is where he was assassinated.

I am glad I saw that documentary as I have been wanting to for a long time. John was a role model because he wasn't afraid to stand up for what he believed in and was not deterred when he was not taken seriously.

All we are saying .... is give peace a chance.... Still.....

Stranger

I have been caught up ( hooked is an even better word) on the life of a blogger. He has a history of mental illness and alcoholism and tonight he announced that he bought a case of beer and is having a slip. I don't know this person, but man, he is a wonderful writer, and I have been captivated by his blog/writing/life.

I am disappointed by his slip tonight and many of us bloggers are all worried about him. We stay tuned and will faithfully check in with him in the morning, hang over and all.

I see where blogs can become like a soap opera or reality show. We become addicted to them just like we do to TV; and then we feel we can have opinions and feelings for all the main players, even though they are total and complete strangers.

Some how they don't feel like strangers because we feel we know them well.

A connection is born out of our own needs and perceptions and it is somewhat safe at this distance.

Or so it seems.

Techno Addict

I am a techno addict. Can't stay off of my email, blog, etc. I know I would be getting way more done around here if I wasn't so addicted to this machine.

I am so glad I didn't have this distraction when I was raising kids! So if anyone is reading this blog and have children.....get out side and play with them! As for me... I am going to take a swim!

Becoming

You can have it all but the "it" is not what you think it is... a quote from the Oprah show.... from some famous woman.

There was much good advice on the show today from Sheryl Crow, Patti La Belle, Reba and others. Most of it I have come up upon in my every day regular folks sort of life. Funny, how famous people are still needing to learn the same life lessons, and it isn't always the lesson that comes before their grand success.

We are all in this together... more alike than different.... as I note everyday in my workplace with many people who are officially labeled as different from the norm.

Went to see the movie Hair Spray yesterday. I never saw the play and didn't know much about the plot of the story. I realized that the show made Ricki Lake a star and that it had something to do with weight.

I found the music to be so uplifting... and it really made me want to get up and dance through out the movie. Instead I could barely walk when it was time to go because the old knees get so stiff from sitting for so long.

The movie tried to make segregation, weight issues and differences in general pretty funny. Although if you ask those who are different it can be pretty painful. Beyond words painful... and the heavy girl in high school is never the star and never, ever gets the guy.

I was sitting with my friend watching the movie and thinking about how different our lives were in high school. She the one always being asked to dance at the dances in the gym, and me sitting on the side lines most of the time.

It was a million years ago... yet movies like that make it seem like yesterday.

Bridges

I am on vacation and I have time to write an entry in the morning for a change. The day is before me and I am not all tired out and ready for sleep.

When I was growing up, my family didn't stray too far from home. "Stay home where you belong," was pretty much the mantra of my dad who lived across the street from his parents' home on the family farm and only went out of state two times that I can remember in my lifetime. There was an unspoken message that the world was a big, bad, and scary place.

I pretty much internalized that message and find it hard to get out into the world and overcome my fears. I always hated going over bridges, and now I realize that the fear was not irrational after seeing those poor people plunge to their deaths as the bridge collapsed. I remember my son's friend's mother who always unbuckled her seat belt and rolled down her window whenever she went over a bridge. No one would laugh at her now.

So here I sit on this morning thinking about bridges falling as I read in the newspaper how poorly the bridges in our state are rated and how there is no funding and even if money were plentiful it still would take years and years to make all the necessary repairs.

Yet, we will all go about our business as usual. How can we not? Faith not fear gets us through our days, and lots and lots and lots of luck.

Distraction

I sign on to the blog to write and then become distracted with reading everyone else's blogs. It gets so late and then I am too tired to write my own. I begin to think about some of the writings on the other blogs and I start to judge my writing style and my choice of topics.

Nothing gut wrenching here, like some of the other ones that I read and those are the ones I like to read the most. They have obstacles that they are struggling with and they are not afraid to admit their issues. They impress me, and I can see that they inspire many.

Blog world... it can take a lot of time away from the real world.

So I applied for a new job last week and made it all the way to the second interview. I didn't even dye my white hair back to black, which I wondered if I should do. Would they look at my hair and decide I was too old? Ah, just be myself and that is all I can be.

I don't like interviews. Questions are either too straight forward and it is hard to see the forest through the trees, or they are so vague. I always spend the rest of the day thinking about what I should of said that would have been more impressive.

Half way through the second interview I decided that the job was not for me. I thought I was losing my confidence, but I was just realizing that I would hate the position. Working around the clock and with a lot of systems, not much more pay, and the mission seemed like a tremendous challenge with so many wild cards.

I let it show that I was re-thinking the whole thing and she offered a lesser position. Ah, that didn't appeal either, although I said that I would consider it to cover all of my bases.

I realized I had nothing to prove and that I have choices. I will only feel stuck if I think I am. I can change my mind about many things.

Well, don't I sound all together tonight?

The Living is Easy...

It is obvious that I haven't written on this blog for a long time.

I lost my motivation the past month. The weather has been hot and humid and the house just heavy with the heat and other things.

So much going on in the local news that has been unbearably sad and horrid... makes us all stop in our tracks.

Fall is right around the corner already. Every year we are all convinced that this summer went faster than the rest of them. Every year it feels like it is so, and every year I feel sadder than the year before to feel summer slipping away.