Catching up

Thank you Josie for giving me a little nudge to post. It makes me sad to think that I neglected my blog, because I really love blogging and keeping up with all of you. 

2013 has been a great year on all levels. I turned 60, we celebrated my younger son's wedding, and my older son and his wife are expecting a baby the end of January. Big milestones and I am so grateful that I am here to celebrate them all. I threw a bridal shower in August, we had the wedding in October, and I threw my other daughter in law a baby shower in November! 

In September I went to my first cancer survivor day at the hospital. I was on the fence about going, but decided to go and see what it was all about. I wondered if I would see any of the oncology nurses who took care of me, especially my favorite one, Mary.

We arrived at the tent and right away I ran into Mary who came over and hugged my husband and I. She said she was very happy when she saw my name on the list of attendees. I had seen Mary in August when I went in for my follow up. She came out to the waiting room to say hello and I caught her up with all my family news. She cried when I told her about all the milestones we were experiencing in the family. We hugged and cried that day and she was so happy that my life was moving forward. It was a warm and fuzzy interaction.

Little did I know that Mary was the mistress of ceremony for the event. All of the oncology and radiology staff was in attendance and they were waiting on all of the cancer survivors by serving us a free lunch. All 200+ of us! 

Once lunch was over, our attention was turned toward the stage and Mary took the microphone. She made the typical thank yous to those who helped organize and contributed to the cause then began to speak about her job as an oncology nurse. She talked about how rewarding it was to see the patients who make it and started to tell a story about one particular patient. 

Well, it turns out that she was telling MY STORY. She did not use my name, but everyone at my table knew she was talking about me as they were my art therapy friends and they knew my history.  When we realized it was my story, my husband and I grabbed hands and looked into each others' eyes and started to cry. My body started to shake. It was a surreal feeling to hear my story as I sat under this huge tent with a couple hundred people. When Mary talked about my colon cancer diagnosis on top of the breast cancer diagnosis, everyone gasped and groaned. It was chilling for me and my body shook harder. Mary continued my story and ended her talk with the day I came in for my follow-up and how I was now cancer-free, just celebrated a milestone birthday and was anticipating the wedding of my son and the upcoming birth of my grand-child. The whole tent erupted into a thunderous applause. I was filled with chills and still shaking. 

I did not stop shaking until the next day. It was almost more traumatic to hear my story than it was to live it! 

Two weeks later I needed to go to a 6 month follow up mammogram. I was a nervous wreck because I knew they saw some calcification and made me come back because sometimes calcification can turn cancerous. There was some change in the 6 months so they scheduled me for a biopsy. This is not the way I wanted the visit to go. It was 3 WEEKS before the wedding, I did not have time to have cancer again. I had a wedding to go to and a grandchild on the way. I was crying and crying and crying. The technicians felt so badly for me. They tried to encourage me that I had a 50/50 change of it being benign, but with my history I could not even fathom that I had a chance. I begged them to not torture me waiting for results and they promised they would get them to me in a couple of days after the procedure.

I left radiology and went right down to find the oncology social worker. I knew I needed support and I needed it right away! I called my husband and told him the situation and told him I was not coming home until I saw the social worker. 

I found the social worker and to my surprise (but I should have known) my husband drove right over to the hospital and joined me with the social worker. She gave me some helpful breathing techniques, to calm me down so I could drive home. Then she left me and my husband alone. I kept crying that I was not lucky and I was so afraid I had cancer again. It was then my husband said to me words that changed my mood in an instant. He said, " You are still alive, YOU ARE LUCKY!" That changed everything. 

Luckily, my biopsy was benign this time. I was thrilled. beyond. words.

A faith experience

It is exciting to be expecting our first grandchild and this week we found out that it is a boy. A grandson. It makes the experience so real to find out the gender of the child and I would have cried either way! 

I have a little story to share that happened back in May when we were hoping that a grandchild would be in our future. 

 My husband and I were out to dinner for our anniversary in our home town and on the way home I had an urge to stop at my old church and light a candle for my daughter in law. We were hoping that we would be getting some good news soon as we knew my son and his wife were wanting to start a family. My hometown church is the only church I knew of in our immediate area that still has real candles to light. 

As we were drivng over to the church, my husband wondered out loud if the church would even be open as it was now about 7:30 P.M. and most churches lock their doors these days when evening is falling. We decided to try anyway. We drove into the parking lot and noticed there were no other cars around. 

We went up to the doors and they were unlocked! As we walked inside the church we heard singing filling up the church and I assumed that choir practice was going on. I went to the left to the back of the church under the choir loft where all the candles are set up and my husband went right and walked into the main part of the church. I found an unlit 5 day candle and lit it then walked over to the kneeler to say a prayer.

While I was kneeling there praying, I was thinking to myself that I was so glad I was at the church on choir practice night. The singing was just beautiful and I was getting the chills from it. As I began to listen more closely, I thought that it wasn't really singing I was hearing, but more like a chanting. It certainly wasn't anything I recognized and nothing I have ever heard in a Catholic church before. I became very still and listened and  felt something like an electrical charge go through me. It is very hard to put into words, but it started in my chest, not a pain or anything, just a feeling. In that moment I thought that maybe the choir chanting was a sign that something good was going to happen. 

I was excited now and I stood up and my husband came over to me. I mentioned the chanting and he said that he thought it sounded like a Gregorian chant. "I am so glad we came on choir practice night, I think this chanting is a sign." I exclaimed to him.

Then very seriously my husband looked at me and said, "Lena, there is NO ONE in the choir loft. Look, it is dark and empty."  He continued on, " I even went up to the speakers at the front of the church and put my hand to them. NO SOUND is coming out. I put my EAR to them. Nothing is coming out of those speakers." 

In that moment, I KNEW this was all a sign that my daughter in law was pregnant and I was so excited! We tried to think of where the chanting could be coming from but there was no explanation. The sound was filling up the entire sanctuary and NO ONE was there but me and my husband. 

The very next day, my son called us to tell us that they were expecting a child! We were very thrilled to say the least, but told my son that we knew the night before. 

The Path of Life Sculpture Garden

A few weeks ago my husband and I took a few days and went up to Vermont to stay at my sisters house. One day we drove up to Windsor, Vermont to visit the Path of Life Sculpture Garden.http://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g57474-d625265-Reviews-Great_River_Outfitters_The_Path_of_Life_Garden-Windsor_Vermont.html.

The adventure begins as you walk through the tunnel of oblivion, the darkness representing the beginning of life. From there one proceeds to the right and finds a small stone emerging from a shallow swale signifying birth.

The path takes you through so many stages of life such as the Hill of Learning, Tree of Wisdom, Hope, Creativity, Union. Family, Community, Solitude,Ambition, Sorrow, Forgiveness, Joy, Respite Contemplation Death, Rebirth, and finally to the Gateway to Eternity.

Here are some photos:

Creativity

Union

Sorrow

 

 

Contemplation 

When I got to the Garden of Contemplation I was in awe of this life size statue of the Buddha. I stood for a while and looked at all of the offerings people had left there. Crucifixes, beads, bells, coins, feathers, rocks, postcards, etc. I realized I only had my phone, my ipad and my keys. I had left my purse in the car and I had no money or anything personal on me to leave as an offering. I was disappointed. I just stepped back to take a photo and when I opened my ipad case I noticed I had an old appointment card from my surgeon tucked under the strap of my ipad. I could not believe my eyes. I took it out and called to my husband, "look what I have!" His eyes immediately filled up with tears when he saw me holding that appointment card. We both knew it was meant to be left here. I kissed the card good-bye and tucked it under a beach rock.

It was a very moving experience for me. I had that appointment card tucked into my ipad for months. I should have thrown it out, but never did.

Now I know why.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

After I wrote yesterday's post we took off for the day. I was walking past a bookstore and saw this sign in the window. I stopped and read it over and over. The universe really wants me to get this message I guess, so of course I had to go in and buy it. When I get home, I will find just the right spot for it and read it.

 Every. Single. Day. 

Love is all you need

We are on our annual vacation to Cape Cod. The first few days were just stinking hot. The sweat just poured off of us while we all scrambled to be the one to sit in front of the fans. But it has cooled down some and that makes it so much nicer.

My younger son and his fiance came for a few days to spend some time here and it was great to have them with us. We have been to the beach to watch the suns sets and spent a couple of days  in Provence Town. I will always love it there as it is just so unpretentious or totally pretentious as my husband pointed out to me.

The big news in my family is that my son and daughter -in-law are expecting a baby! We are becoming grandparents for the first time. Needless to say, we are over the moon excited! A wedding in October and a baby in January, so many happy things to look forward to and I am just filled with joy and also some stress. Good stress.

I am continuing to work on my new "lifestyle". Organic meats ( or at the very least beef and chicken, eggs and milk that are hormone and antibiotic free). limited dairy, and avoiding white flour and sugar.  It is harder to do it on vacation, but I am doing the best I can up here and not worrying about it. I think in the past for me vacation was a license to eat out and eating became the prime focus of the week. 

I have been reading so much about preventing cancer and anti cancer foods and spices and supplements, etc. I am taking a whole new regimen of vitamins and supplements under the care of my naturopathic doctor. I think I am starting to see some improvements. I continue to meditate when I remember, go to the pool for exercise etc. I was also reading an article written by Dr. Christine  Northrup and she agreed that all of the above things are very important, but if all the changes are motivated by fear, then they do no help you to achieve good health.

The one  most important practice Dr. Northrup recommends is looking in the mirror and saying,"I love you, I really love you." And by day 21 she says she would look to see your inner self gazing back at you through those eyes and then she  would do what your mirror image tells you to do.

Sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Happy Birthday to me!

On Monday, July 1, I will turn 60 years old. A milestone, a new decade, and a new improved me ( I am working on it.) Last Sunday my husband threw me a surprise birthday a little early to throw me off. I was suspicious, but never the less, surprised when I walked in and realized it was a party for me and he invited ALL my family and friends. We had about 55 people at a local restaurant for brunch. It was quite wonderful. When I walked in and everyone yelled surprise I had to brace myself to let myself feel all of the love. I stood next to my husband and scanned the crowd. So many smiling and happy faces all gathered there for ME! It was quite a moment and I think I may have left my body  for a  minute or two and then floated back and leaned against my husband's shoulder and cried.  

I have no complaints about getting older as I will be grateful to celebrate many, many, more, birthdays.

When people ask me what I am doing with myself while I am still on medical leave, I tell them that I am the CEO of me! It usually makes people laugh and I feel better for still not working. I know that I am on the right track though since I started to see a naturopath. She did a complete series of blood tests and found I was so depleted of many vitamins and minerals from all the chemo. No wonder I have been feeling so low energy and low motivation and just blah!  So I am on a new regime of vitamins and supplements and weekly acupuncture appointments. Our goal is to get me back to the working world by the fall. I do see some improvements in my symptoms, but most of all I am feeling so hopeful. The hope fills me up and helps me to stay motivated to do what I need to do. 

Meditation

Many ,many years ago when I first went to a energy healer she asked me to pick a number. I think I picked the number six. She told me that no matter what happens and if I were never to see her again that I should meditate six minutes everyday and it would be life changing. So I went home and tried to meditate my six minutes a day every day. 

I quickly found that I did not enjoy meditating. I would sit with my eyes closed peeking at the clock to see if the six minutes (which almost felt like six hours) were up. I could not quiet my mind and I was just about jumping out of my seat. It was supposed to be a peaceful experience, but it felt like torture to me. This practice did not fit my impulsive and instant gratification kind of  personality. I was never good at hanging in there with anything new and developing a practice that in the end would benefit me; instead I ditched it. 

Over the years I made some feeble attempts to meditate again, but par for the course it never seemed to stick. Thirty years later when I visited the very same energy healer after my first cancer diagnosis she encouraged me to use meditation as a tool to cope with the chemotherapy treatments and the stress of dealing with a life threatening illness. Now that I had hit rock bottom  healthwise, I was a somewhat motivated to give it another try. It did help me during those first months of treatment and I had some wonderful experiences, but true to form  my motivation level dropped again. 

Since I have been home recovering and trying to get my health and energy back I have been reading more and more about how important meditation is for the people recovering from cancer. Marianne Williamson considers it the absolute number one most important thing one can do to regain health as meditation connects us to spirit and self healing agents.  So with yet another big endorsement regarding meditation, I have been trying to incorporate it into my day on a regular basis. I still struggle with being antsy and still forget to make time for it, but I can say I am working hard at fitting it into my day to day activities. Mostly I put in the time and feel good that I can cross it off of my list for the day. Every so often I have a great meditation time. Today was one of those days.

Before I sat down to meditate today I had been looking for a yellow piece of paper that I had written an important appointment on. I looked in the two places I thought it could be, but it was not to be found. I was not worried about it per say because I was just planning on calling and getting the appointment confirmed. But it does bother me when I can't keep track of my things and since chemotherapy, it seems I am more distracted than ever! 

I  did a few more  household chores before I sat down to meditate not at all consciously thinking about my lost paper. During my meditation all of a sudden I had a vision of my paper hanging on the refrigerator and I heard my voice inside my head say; yes, it is on the refrigerator, just where I put it yesterday.

I realized in that very moment that I was deep in mediation and I started to pull myself out of that state and  open my eyes. As I came to (so to speak) I realized that I didn't really remember putting that paper on the refrigerator in my conscious mind and wondered if it was actually there. Maybe I dozed off and I was dreaming?  So I went right to the kitchen and there it was hanging on a magnet on the fridge.

I know this is not a big experience but I learned something big. The voice I heard was my inner voice, not an inner dialogue of chatter. It was the voice I need to be listening to, but I have not been able to distinguish between the two voices for so many years. 

Just the experience I needed to keep me going. 

Here I am!

I have been locked out of my blog for weeks! My password was not working and when I tried to change the password, I was not able to. I called my son the IT expert to come over and he fooled with it for a very long time and we still could not get in. He sent an email to the help department and we never heard back. Tonight, just for the heck of it I tried to get on and all systems were go! I am just amazed. It's like reuniting with an old friend.

It feels like a little miracle! 

I am doing well on many levels even though I have a long way to go to get to where I used to be. One foot in front of the other is my motto! 

As I stated in my last post, I wanted to make an appointment to see a naturopathic doctor. I took a long time before I made the appointment because I was not sure where to go. I had to make a visit to my eye doctor for a cyst growing on my eye lid and he recommended the doctor that he goes to. The practice is just 10 minutes away from my house and I didn't even know it was there! I was so grateful to find one recommended by someone I trust so much. My eye doctor said he was skeptical about natural medicine considering his medical training,but he had come up against some scary symptoms with his own health and after going from doctor to doctor with no results he decided to give it a try. His symptoms have disappeared and he was feeling and looking fantastic! 

I have had two visits so far and I am now taking some new vitamin and supplements and making changes in how I shop for food and what I shop for. It is a complete overhaul from how I have operated in the past and it would be so overwhelming to me if I thought I had to do everything all at once. I don't. I just need to take baby steps and make changes one at a time. 

I have been doing an incredible amount of research on organic foods and meats that are hormone and antibiotic free and doing lots of comparison shopping. I have also been throwing away all my old make up and lotions and sunscreens and buying more natural products. 

I am late to the game with these changes in many ways considering if I had been more conscious of how food and environmental pollutants affected my health, I may not have become so ill. But I know now and I can move forward with all this information and hopefully return to a more healthful and happy life!

Post challenge

The 30 day appreciation challenge was an interesting exercise.  Some days it was hard to find 10 things in one day to appreciate, but I often realized I was missing some important small things. It was part memory and part taking certain experiences  for granted. I also learned as I went along that if I actively looked for the things to appreciate in the moment, there were so many. 

A couple of weeks into it, I learned that the 10 things did not have to happen in one day that we could go back to the past or something we looked forward to in the future, so that made it easier. But for some reason, I enjoyed the challenge of finding 10 in a day. 

My practitioner said that as I was doing this assignment she noticed that my body was more relaxed and connected and moved much better. A positive outlook made a difference in my body! I could feel it, too as far as being able to stretch more than I could before I started the the practice and less pain in my knee. 

I also felt like it became a spiritual practice. It was something that I did everyday that I needed to be focused for and it caused me to reflect on my actions and perceptions. I realized one day that you do not have to travel to Bali to find a guru to make some significant changes to your life. Since I won't be traveling anywhere, I was very happy to have that revelation. :-)

I decided to keep the lists up in my journal so I would not lose momentum. I had such an awesome Feldenkrais session today and want to keep up the good energy I created for myself!

The next thing I need to work on is my diet and food issues. I have worked that angle in the past in different ways, but never stuck to a plan for life. The most success I had was in an Over Eaters Anonymous group years ago. Years. ago.

I have been studying the effects of a balanced PH level for good health.  I have read a couple of books as well as research from the internet. I started reading a year ago, then gave up thinking I could never change my diet so much to achieve a balanced PH level. Most of the food I ate (meat, dairy, etc.) is high in acidity. I realized thinking I could never do it, was well just plain negative! Maybe, just maybe I can make the changes. Maybe it does not have to be for 0 -60! I could start with small changes. So I have been trying to add more of what is good for me and less of what is bad. I am planning to call a natural path to help me with a plan and test my levels. This is scary to me and it is scary to not to do it, too, as the research is very convincing that this is something that can help cancer from reoccurring.

So if I commit to it publicly, maybe it will help me to follow through this time. So much work ahead of me. I need to get busy!

- Myself and I  we got some straightening out to do. - Fergie

Day 30 appreciation challenge

1. Day 30!

2. Nice visit with my elder relative in rehab.

3. Spent most of the day reading.

4. Sore throat feeling better.

5. Dinner at Dakota with best salad bar around.

6. Other bloggers are taking the challenge.

7. My parent's clock sitting on my shelf.

8. Laundry all done.

9. Caller I.D.

10. The way social media brings people together in good times and bad.

Day 29 appreciation challenge

1. My husband is reading Glennon's book. I love that he takes an interest in what interests me.

2. The daffodils in my side yard.

3. Cooking with kale for the first time.

4. Just got invited out for lunch for next week.

5.my son checking in with me tonight.

6. A talk with my mentor tonight.

7. Sharing recipes with my mom on the phone.

8. Uncluttered kitchen counters.

9. Cozy inside on a rainy grey day.

10. Green tea with lemon

Day 28 appreciation challenge

1. Good lab results today.

2. Shopping for fresh fruits and vegetables today.

3.  Lifeline sent an ambulance to check on my mother in law after she fell down outside today. She checked out fine!

4. Referral for a naturopathic doctor.

5. The nurse at my doctor's office for advocating that the doctor hire a woman partner for those of us who prefer seeing a woman.

6. Antibiotics.

7. Make over started for the bathroom.

8. Check in call from my other sister.

9. Support from Amanda.

10. How CVS texts you when your prescriptions are ready.

Day 27 appreciation challenge

1. Finding a parking spot yesterday right in front of the ocean.

2. The husband cleaning out the garage.

3. Signing up for AT&T  uverse today.

4. Sister visit.

5. Getting all the Easter decorations put away.

6. Call from a dear friend.

7. Caller I.D.

8. Mom felt well enough to go out today.

9. ICE water.

10. My cute mini fan next to my bed.

Day 26 appreciation challenge

1. Picnic at the beach this afternoon.

2. Kite fliers, skateboarders, bird watchers, motorcycles, sea gulls, flip flops, shorts, all signs of summer.

3. A healing conversation with my son.

4. 77 degrees today!

5. Zinc for my sore throat.

6. Reading Carry On, Warrior and loving it!

7. grocery day!

8. My sister is safely home from her trip.

9. talk of family reunions this summer.

10. TV guide app for my iPad.

Day 25 appreciation challenge

1. The mail was delivered to my door today.

2. Books from amazon arrived.

3. Warmest day yet!

4. Valerie, Mary, Georgia, Cloris, and Betty all on Katie Couric today.

5. I was not the first one at dinner today so I did not have to wait alone.

6. Dinner with high school friends tonight.

7. Husband was offered a part time position.

8. Used my new ATM card today without a hitch.

9. Work colleague checking in with me.

10. Finding a copy of the newspaper article from 1969 about my Dad's barn burning down.

Day 24 appreciation challenge

1. We managed to get the house closed up early and still  have time for breakfast before we headed back home.

2. We made it back in time for mass. We were honoring my dad's birthday and my uncle's passing.

3. Last year at the same mass I was scheduled for chemo the next day. Everyone was sort of awkward around me not knowing what to say. This year... back to normal!!!

4. The interest and excitement my extended family showed for the upcoming wedding of my son.

5. The talk of a family reunion barbeque this summer.

6. My husband's willingness to take on all the driving for this get-a-way.

7. Finding seats at the restaurant after mass for all of us to sit together!

8. WIFI - I really missed it.

9. A new blog reader!

10. Mad Men comes back to T.V.  tonight!

Day 23 apprecation blog.

1.My son feed our cat while we were away.

2. VT water is like a natural hair conditioner. I love how my hair feels after I wash it up there.

3. My eyelashes have come back! I really missed them!

4. Sunlight glistening on the bodies of water as as we passed by in our car yesterday.

5. A cheap bottle of wine with dinner.

6. Visit to King Arthur Flour baking, store and school. So much fun.

7. The conversation with the cook in the  King Arther flour store who said she loved making the food there to give out as samples because it made people happy! Such good energy!

8. Gel pens.

9. Alice's Restaurant in VT.  They are closing. They were supposed to close last week, but managed to stay open a couple more weeks. So glad we made it up there to have dinner once last time.

10. Browsing in the Antique mall at Quiche Gorge. Love looking at all the nick knacks and kitchenware my mom had when we were kids. Oh, and all the Nancy Drew , Dana Girls, Bobbsey Twins, and Cherry Adams, R.N.  BOOKS! Memories!!!

Day 22 appreciation challenge

1. Meditating in the sun room this morning. Best meditation I have done in a long time.

2. Walking the campus of Green Mountain College where my son went to school.

3. The VT Country Store and all the free samples.

4. The manager of The Trolley Shop taking money off of our bill because my husband had to send his food back to be cooked more, even though we did not ask him to!

5. My husband dropping me off at this library so I could post my lists. He knows it is important to me.

6. The librarian helping me with the computer in the library since my i pad would not connect.

7. The drive over to Poultney today.

8. The weather was warm enough for some of the day to go without a jacket!

9. Lots of reminising with my husband.

10. I wasn't looking for a card, but found the perfect anniversary card for my husband for our anniversary in May.

Day 21appreciation challenge.

1. The hills of Vermont.

2. How my sister decorates her home.

3. Kale soup with sausage.

4. Window seat at 56 Main Restaurant

5. Driving through Landmark College.

6. Shopping at the Brattleboro Food Co-op.

7. My sister and brother- in- law and their generosity for letting us stay at their house.

8. I read two books last night at the house with no WIFI.

9. I saw a caterpillar on the front lawn when I arrived at the house. I swear it has been years since I have seen one.

10. Learning a great deal more about Alkaline and Acidity balancing.

Day 20 appreciation challenge

We are taking a few days to go to Vermont. There is no Internet at the house, so I will continue to write my lists and try to post whenever we find WIFI up there!

My practitioner told me today that the lists can be something that even happened awhile ago. The intent is about the feeling behind the thought. So I am going to keep that in mind.

1. My leg stretched farther and higher during my session than it has ever been able to do.

2. I put down the deposit for the bridal shower and picked out the menu today.

3. Meeting my friends for dinner.

4. Packing just about done!

5. I found a phone number that I lost and I was able to call my friend!

6. Got out of the house early this morning.

7. My friend moving up the time for dinner.

8. When I told my practitioner about all the positive feedback on my lists, she got the chills!

9. Delivering my aunt Mary's eulogy.

10. Introducing Dr. Bernie Siegel at a fundraiser  when I was at my social service job years back.

Day 19 appreciation challenge

1. My relative had a double mastectomy a few weeks ago. We found out  today that she will not need chemo!

2. Baked some beer bread today.

3. Settled on a date for the bridal shower for my son's fiancé.

4. Leftover turkey.

5. My husband's support for my decision for Memorial Day weekend.

6. Listening to my promo on the radio.

7. A thank you text from my son.

8. A nice chat with my cousin on the phone.

9. Remembering to put on my hand braces today.

10. My walking meditation

Day 18 appreciation challenge

1. Call and dinner invitation from a woman who is my former teacher and boss.

2. Running into a former work colleague at the mall.

3. Getting  my hair done.

4. Watching  Glennon Melton on the TODAY show this morning.

5. Turkey for dinner, my favorite!

6. Message from another former colleague.

7. SUN Magazine arrived today.

8. Dinner all ready when I got home from the mall.

9. It stopped thundering and raining hard before I had to go out.

10. Finding clips of shows on line when I miss them on TV.

Day 17 appreciation challenge

1. A nice relaxing Sunday morning.

2. Watching a clip of the broadway play Motown on TV. It gave me the chills.

3. How beautiful my mom looked today.

4. How excited mom was when she opened her gift.

5. A delicious  Easter dinner.

6. How my sister re -arranged her house so we could all eat dinner in the same room.

7. Skyping with my niece and her daughter.

8. Mom and I singing In Your Easter Bonet together.

9. My sister sent left overs home with us.

10. How we were able to get off the highway and take the back roads to avoid the traffic backup!

Day 16 Appreciation blog

1. Remembering we had a gift card which we could use for dinner tonight!

2. Finding a pair of lost earings and the match for two other pairs in the bottom of a basket  buried in my closet. ( I never even realized that they were lost.)

3.  My husband made the dessert for tomorrow.

4. Finding my wig and hats and deciding to donate them to the American Cancer Society.

5. My sister is hosting Easter.

6. My son and his fiance are coming down to join us for Easter dinner.

7. We earned a free turkey breast from our grocery store. 

8. Getting the letter in the mail today from radiology.

9. Scheduling my hair appointment for Monday. 

10. The following quote I just found and the website from where I found it:

 

 Give yourself a hug. Right now. Really. Stop what you're doing. Wrap your arms around yourself and hug yourself. Tightly. Appreciate all that you're doing and all who you love and all which you have.
           ( www.notsalmon.com)

 

 

 

Day 15 appreciation challenge

1. Crocuses are up in front of the house.

2. How the sun shines through the red curtains in my room in the morning!

3. I passed my oncologist on the road and he beeped at me.

4. A few hours get away today.

5. I bought the cutest little sunflower that dances when activated by light.

6. Baked cod for lunch.

7. Loving comments on my Facebook last night.

8. Speaking up.

9. My indoor cat goes outside and does not need a litter box.

10. Finding a quaint ice cream shop on the way home.

Day 14 appreciation challenge

1. A visit to Gallery 53. It is an uplifting and inspiring little gallery tucked away in a very depressed area of our city.

2. The mini painting I bought at the Gallery.

3. The great discussion we had tonight at art therapy about the body and mind connection.

4. I felt so much lighter today. ( Reminds me of the song Tonight and the Rest of my Life)

5. My practitioner said my body felt lighter today. She could feel it, too.

6. Burt's Bee lip gloss.

7. The hug from Cathy in art therapy.

8. Making plans for a get a way next week.

9. Finding the perfect Easter gift for my mom.

10. Daylight savings time.

Day 13 appreciation challenge

1. Fresh sheets on the bed last night.

2. How much easier the new prep was for my colonoscopy than the one I had last year!

3. They took me in first for the procedure today because we got there early and the woman who was supposed to go first came in late.

4. A nurse I had today by the name of Cheryl.  First for her skill in getting my I.V. in after the other nurse failed.Second, when she was wheeling me into the procedure she said she wished me luck and prayers and told me that God is good. And lastly, after the procedure she came over to me and kissed my forehead when  I was told that everything went well and no evidence of cancer!

5. And because it deserves a line of it's own.. no evidence of cancer today!!!

6. How fast the procedure was and how I got home so early.

7. The look of relief and happiness on my husband's face.

8. The sound of relief and happiness in my mother's voice.

9. My comfortable lounge chair in my den. Perfect for post procedure napping.

10. My Grooveshark music site. I love that I can search for anything I want and have it in seconds. And I love my feel good music today!

Day 12 appreciation challenge

1. Sitting outside in the sun for awhile reading.

2. Finding my good tweezers.

3. A reassuring  phone call today.

4. Getting halfway through drinking my prep for tomorrow.

5. Kim re-faxing the report a second time.

6. Quick reply from the bank to straighten out a problem. All set!

7. Guilty pleasure TV. Sometimes a girl just has to zone out!

8. Figuring out what I needed today for comfort.

9. Easter cards from friends.

10. Wearing my husband 's hat like a security blanket today. l looked like the grandmother (Shelly Winters) from the Roseanne Show. It made me laugh, so I  kept it on.

Day 11 appreciation challenge

1. The cashier at Stop and Shop for encouraging me to take the time to get a new scan card. I have been putting it off for about a year.

2. Spending the afternoon with my mother.

3. Kris Carr's health information. I am armed with knowledge and will contact my doctor.

4. My son for consoling me when I was upset.

5. As much as it was hard to hear, feedback I received that made me realize I crossed a boundary.

6. The realization that I hyper focus on certain things. It stinks and I have to stop.

7. My 91 year old relative's smile today. She is having a tough run of it, but she is handling it with grace.

8. I was able to catch the glass measuring cup as it was falling and it did not break!

9. Being on the same page about an event as my friends.

10. Getting the bills paid tonight.

Day 10 appreciation challenge

1. I caught myself calling myself stupid today when I made a mistake. I quickly apologized to myself. (And I accepted my apology.) :-)

2. Triple A for coming to help out with a dead car battery.

3. Mediating in our new rocking chair.

4. Sharing with a friend that I was doing this challenge. I thought she would think it was silly. But she didn't.

5. A proud moment with my son on the phone today as he was sharing some plans with me.

6. Making my grandmother's chicken stimperata recipe.

7. Accepting some information that I have been resisting for a long time now. Somehow, the light bulb went off today. AHA!

8. The lighting in my room when I turn on the lamp I bought from IKEA. It makes me  happy every time I turn it on.

9. Treated myself today by ordering 3 books that I am so excited to read.
 Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Melton, Help, Wow, Thank You by Anne Lamott, and Rules of Inheritance by Claire Bidwell. Can not wait until they arrive.

10. Instagram. I love sharing and taking pictures.

Day 9 appreciation challenge

1. My husband did my laundry for me today.

2.  Great party for my friend tonight.

3 Everybody Loves Raymond show makes me laugh.

4. Good energy  level today.

5. How my cat snuggles with me on the couch.

6. A friend's honesty with me today.

7. Filling up my boat today on Hay day. (Obsessed with the damn game)

8. Feeling comfortable with new people I met tonight.

9. Finding out that there is a new documentary out about the Beatles fan club president and the history of the Beatles.

10. How well my hair is growing and filling in after 2 bouts of chemo.

Day 8 appreciation challenge

1. Thrift store find of an antique rocking chair and sweet ceramic bunny.

2. Figuring out that I can see OWN Super Soul Sunday past episodes on line. Watched Brene Brown talk about Daring Greatly. (Do not have OWN channel)

3. Phone call I received from a relative on an update  about my cousin's health emergency.

4. Listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter CD in the car on the way home.

5. No pressure tonight about being too tired go to an art opening.

6. Dr. showed me the correct way to put on the hand braces.

7. First time all week relaxing on couch.

8. The early invitation that arrived to a Christmas party in Dec.!

9. The second store I went to had the ingredient I needed.

10. A full tank of gas and a beautiful day to take a ride to the shoreline.

Day 7 appreciation challenge

1. The clerk at Whole Foods today was so knowledgeable  about chemicals in shampoos and  recommended  the cleaner ones to me.

2. A quick call back from the orthopedic office saying they will replace my hand brace and insurance will cover it!

3. The compliments tonight on my decor and goodies from my friends.

4. The snow did not accumulate today!

5. How my friend Nancy checks in with me every night.

6. We picked up a value package of prepared chicken Parmesan and linguine at Whole Foods and to my surprise there was enough for 2 nights!

7. Face Time with my sister from Saint Kitts.

8. Swapping books tonight with my friends.

9. My husband told me he enjoyed hearing me and my friends laughing all night!

10. The hum of the dishwasher at the day's end.

Day 6 appreciation challenge

1. The afternoon visit with my son and a heartfelt chat.

2. I was in the middle of baking and thought I was running  out of an ingredient and 2 people offered to go to the store for me. But it turned out I had enough!

3. Watching the sun rays come through a glass Easter bunny in my window.

4. Finding my misplaced telephone.

5. My knee was feeling and moving better during my session today.

6. Forgot to set my alarm, but woke up in time on my own.

7. My sister made it safely to her destination.

8. The new recipe I tried came out great.

9. I have everything I need for a stitch and bitch get together for tomorrow.

10. I found the perfect gift for my best friend's birthday.

Day 5 appreciation challenge

1. The technician I feel most comfortable with was on duty today for my mammogram. She made a long and nerve wracking appointment easier with her sensitivity and hugs! (Have to go back in 6 months to monitor calcification.)

2. Heard one of my favorite songs on the radio tonight. Welcome Back by Gillian Welsh. I consider it my theme song.

3. A long after noon nap.

4. A surprise email from a blogger friend!

5. My friends who wished me luck today.

6. The roads were good this morning after the storm so I did not need to reschedule my appointment.

7.  The confirmation that an important document was received.

8. I remembered to use a $4.00 off coupon at CVS today, the last day it is good.

9. The pharmacist who looked for an item I wanted even though he did not think they carried it.

10. The Long Island Medium is coming to a theater near us in May! Getting me some tickets!

Day 4 appreciation challenge

1. The spring bouquet of flowers in my window.

2. No cavities at the dentist today.

3. Dental cancellation so they were able to take me today.

4. Our accountant and his willingness to accommodate our schedule.

5. No lines at the grocery store the evening before a snow storm.

6. Getting my car washed.

7. The pot of chicken soup on the stove.

8. The insurance mix up was cleared up.

9. My mom was feeling better today.

10. Getting home from the store before it began snowing.

Day 3 Appreciation Challenge

1. Sleeping in this morning after a long restless night.

2. The set of stone wear dishes my mother gave me. A cheerful spring pattern, too.

3. The recipe for lemon cake my sister gave me so I can try it out on my friends.

4. The hot cup of tea I just made.

5. The long hot bath I took.

6. The red cardinal that visited outside my window today.

7. The idea to put my heart rock collection in the fair this fall.

8. Face time on the iPad with my youngest.

9. Call from my older sister before she leaves on vacation.

10. Time tonight to decorate the house for Easter.

Day 2 of Appreciation Challenge

My experience with art therapy led me to discover another visual arts technique called Soul Collage. (www.soulcollage.com). I am not artistic and found that I enjoyed collage making as  my preferred form of art therapy because it does not frustrate me. I took a class last spring and enjoyed it, but the class changed location and it was too far for me to feel comfortable driving at night. This winter I found a class on-line for Soul Collage geared specifically for people who were dealing with a life threatening illness. It was a great deal. Three classes on a conference call and it also utilized a website and a Facebook page. All calls were taped so that if you could not join live, you could listen at your convenience. I loved it so much. I am thinking of becoming a Soul Collage facilitator when I am feeling well enough to think about going back to work. There is a training coming up sometime in the fall and I have my eye on it. I still have to read the book and listen to some audio tapes that are prerequisites to the training. I am hoping as my energy increases so will my motivation! 

I am still enjoying the blog called Momastary.( momastery.com) Has anyone checked it out? Glennon Doyle inspires me on so many levels. She refers to herself as a shameless truth teller and hope spreader. She has about 60,00 plus followers now. Sometimes I am so moved by her posts that I read them over and over again. Last week I participated in my first LOVE FLASH MOB sponsored by Momastary (ww.theindychannel.com/news/local-news/love-flash-mob-by-momasterycom-helps-homeless-indianapolis-teen-mom-get-home-at-project-home-indy) It was awesome to be a part of something so inspiring and to be able to participate with just the click of the mouse. Technology just continues to amaze me. 

As you all may recall, my position at work was terminated while I was out on my medical leave. I miss the people there quite a bit. I went in a few weeks ago to clear out my office. The higher ups did not tell my co-workers that they eliminated my job, so it was a shock to them that I was not coming back to my full time position. It is OK, I do not take their actions personally. They were great to me through out my illness and well, business is business, and those directives come from the higher ups anyway! There may be some part time opportunities for me when I am ready. To be discussed when the time is right.

It was so wonderful to see my co-workers. I enjoyed about a million hugs. Some people just hugged me, no words. It was wonderful. I have been gone a long time and I had so many pulling for me and praying for me. I wanted to see them and show them that I am doing fine with my recovery. 

Day 2 of Appreciation Challenge:

 1. All my co-workers who prayed for me and supported me during my illness and still keep in touch!

2. My older son's humor. He is a riot and he had me roaring today.  I think he missed his calling as a comedy writer. 

3. My husband. He helped take care of my mom when she stayed with us for a couple of weeks after her surgery. It was touching to witness the kind things he did for her while still taking care of me! 

4. My friends. They are my safety net. They are there for me.

5. Disability insurance. When I got it, I had no idea that I would ever need it. 

6. My sisters. They came down to help out with my mother, too. 

7.The library. Since I am not working and money is tight, finding things to do to get out of the house is hard. But thanks to the library I have a place to go and come home with books that I have been wanting to read for a long time.

8.  Cooking. I cooked a delicious dinner tonight. Pineapple chicken with brown rice. Being able to cook again in my kitchen is something I will never take for granted.

9. My hairdresser. She found someone to come to my house to do my mom's hair just the way she likes it. It made her day. 

10. My cousin B. She is a nurse and has been my biggest support during my illness and beyond. 

Challenge

Here I am. I am here. I am doing the best that I can. I am still in a great deal of pain from residual side effects of the chemo on my joints and the neuropathy  in my hands and feet. I am wearing slings on both my hands to help with the pain from arthritis in my hands that became excessive after the chemo. BUT all of this is better than where I was. 

This month I have a mammogram and a colonoscopy to look forward to so they can be sure I am cancer free. It has been one year since my colon cancer diagnosis and two years for the breast. Hard to believe time went by so quickly.

To catch up with the MIL issues. It is official, she retook her driving test at age 92 and passed it. She now has her license back and there is nothing we can do. Her doctor was not opposed to her taking the test as he was sure she would not pass it. But to everyone's surprise she did. Now we have to back off and let it be. I can not worry about her because it will drive me crazy. They did not even give her any  restrictions. She is even allowed to drive interstate highways. And she will. She went into the test with a great deal of confidence and stayed focused and passed. It is out of our hands now. 

I am seeing my Feldenkrais practitioner (n.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feldenkrais_Method ) for all the pain in my body. We work on pain control and range of motion issues. She is also a big believer of the law of attraction. She is the most knowledgeable person on this subject that I have ever met. We often talk about it during and after our sessions. She says she has had people coming to her for 10 years looking for miracle cures, but they don't ever seem to change the way they think so nothing changes in their bodies. I know I try to make those changes in my thought patterns, but it does not come easily for me. I can see that I am changing in many ways, but still want to make more permanent changes.

My practitioner talked to me today about taking a 30 day challenge. She asked me to write every day on my blog about 10 things that I appreciate. They need to be different every day. This is an exercise  to raise my vibration and be more positive in my thinking to make an impact on my body and my health.

So today is the day that I begin. It will feel good to be writing on my blog again. Since I am not working right now I have to find things that give me purpose and this will be perfect for me. 

So here I go... 10 things I appreciate today. 

1. All of my family. For. Everything.

2 My practitioner. She has been a huge support to me before and during my illness. I always feel good after a session; from the work that we do to the conversations we have.

3 My blog readers. You all have been so supportive and caring. I can not tell you what it has meant to me.

4. Music. I do not know what I would do with out it. Inspiration all around.

5. My health. Even though things have been challenging, I do appreciate the things that are going well.

6. All the bloggers out there that tell their stories. We belong to each other.

7. Art therapy. The hospital offers it for free and it has been a huge means of support for me as well as a great creative outlet.

8. The drive my husband and I took to the beach tonight after our diner at our favorite fish restaurant.

9. How my husband helped me with the car today and I made it to my appointment right on time.

10. The sensitivity of my youngest son.  He suggested a song that he thought was a good one for a mother and son dance at his wedding in the fall.  I cried when I listened to it. It is called I'll Catch You. By the Get Up Kids. It is so emo. Like me.

Don't worry I'll catch you. Don't. ever. worry.

Spa day

Hello dear blogger friends. I am so not motivated to blog lately and yet I miss it.  I hope I can get back into the swing of it.

Things have been going well. I am still at home recovering from all the cancer fallout. My PCP wants me to stay home and rest and be as stress free as possible. I think it is working. I look good, not in the beautiful kind of way, but in a healthy and relaxed kind of way. lol 

It has been a good week. I enjoyed a day at the spa on a gift certificate from my husband. I never went to a spa before and I was looking forward to it. I got there early so I could swim in the salt water pool and enjoy the hot tub before my appointments. When I checked in I was chatting with the director of the spa and during the course of the conversation it  I brought up that I was a 2 time cancer survivor and recently finished my treatment   But as I was telling her, I began to cry. I don't cry when I talk about that ever, and I talk about it often.. So it was a surprise to me to have those emotions choke me up. After she comforted me I went off into the pool. While swimming  I was thinking that I could have had that conversation with that woman without even mentioning the cancer, but somehow I felt compelled to. I wondered why, but never really found an answer. 

After my swim I was relaxing in the waiting/lounge  room in my white robe by the fireplace, sipping water with lime and taking in how beautiful the room was and how cozy I felt. It occurred to me that when they called me to come into the appointment how it was going to all feel good unlike all the zillions of medical appointments where I was poked, pricked , and filled with chemo. I was going to have a feel good kind of day!  I filled up with tears. Again.  Oh how I wanted to just sob my eyes out, but knew it would not be an appropriate place to do so. Damn. I hate when I get in touch with my feelings like that and am not at liberty to let it rip. 

The beautician came and brought me into a private room to start the facial and she said that her director had told her I was a cancer survivor  When I tried to answer her, I choked up again. She just hugged me as tears rolled down my face. And that was it for the tears. I do not know why a day at the spa could trigger all of this emotion, but it did.  

I had a great day! Facial, hand and foot massages, mini pedi, make up and a free lunch.I was so grateful to have had the day there. 

An update on my MIL. She went to court and nothing happened. Not even a fine.