To hug or not to hug

Since I came down with the infection and upon the advice of my doctor,  I decided for my protection and for the protection of my family and friends that I would stop hugging people. The doctor said that I am more at risk from catching something from others than they were at getting my infection, so I decided to be diligent about keeping my personal space.

The first big hurdle was going to a family Christmas party on the 18th. I knew that there were going to be 40 of my relatives there and if you know anything about Italians, they hug and kiss upon arrival and departure. I thought that maybe I should wear a sign saying no hugging, lol! But I got there and every time someone came over to me to hug, I quickly put my hands up and said that I couldn't accept hugs because of my health. It was awkward, but I kept it up and I managed fine. Then when it was time to leave, some people forgot and came over to hug me again and I had to remind them again. 

Before I went to the party, I wondered how I would feel about the hugging thing. I found that I missed hugging the people that are the dearest to me, and I felt relieved not to have to hug those folks that I didn't feel close to. My whole life long it was just taken for granted that we all hug if we are related. So I learned something new about myself, that I want my hugging to  be authentic. 

I didn't worry so much about the hugging when I went back to work, but I had not realized how much hugging goes on there. Due to the holiday everyone was in a hugging mood and due to my health lots of people wanted to hug me and wish me a  happy and healthy New Year.  So I had to turn away many hugs. But it wasn't so easy at work. Some people stopped by that used to work there (they didn't know about my diagnosis) and wanted to hug and were absolutely offended when I said I couldn't. I needed to tell them that I was under treatment for cancer and that was the reason at which point they softened. I would have not shared this information normally, but felt inclined when I saw how offended they became when I said I couldn't hug due to flu season and low resistance.

Two co-workers came up to me from behind and hugged me sayings," I know you don't want hugs, but I want to hug you anyways."  They just didn't seem to get it. I had to let it go. A couple of hugs were not a big deal, I know. It was just the point of not respecting my wishes.

Now it is interesting to me how people just take it upon themselves to invade your space and how people are insulted if you don't want them to. I guess it never occurs to people that something that feels so good could cause harm.

Actually, when I got my wig, the hairdresser told me not to let  people hug me because it could knock off the wig and it would be very embarrassing. I soon learned that everyone wants to hug a cancer patient and they are so quick that it is impossible at times to stop it. So I took my chances and was not assertive. This time around though, I knew to be quick about it and to stick to my guns!

I know they say for good mental health you need to have at least 12 or more (or something like that) hugs a day. That is just fine, but you need to be sure that the person you are hugging really wants to hug you back. :-)

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

10 Things I Learned from People Who Survive Cancer

Update

Christmas Eve was spent at my sister's house. She made muscles with shrimp and baked shrimp. I made my grandmother's recipe of chicken with olives, capers, and sweet fried peppers. We had rice, broccoli, Italian bread and an assortment of desserts. My older son and daughter in law came and we all had a nice dinner with my mom and my sister's in-laws. It was warm and cozy and wonderful. It felt like time was suspended for an evening and I felt like I didn't have a care in the world. I loved that feeling.

Christmas Day was at my house. I invited my husband's family, and my younger son and his girl were coming from out of town just for the day. We had a smoked Vermont spiral ham, bake macaroni and cheese, asparagus, salad and another slew of desserts.

Everyone enjoyed the dinner and we had a wonderful day. 

Too many hands in the stew

Yesterday was two years since my father passed away. My mom had a nice memorial message  in the local paper and we all put up our own on our individual Facebook pages. I was up early yesterday morning and found my self sobbing because I miss him and sobbing for all the events of these past 10 months. I was feeling emotionally drained. 

This week was one of the tougher weeks for me. Since my last post I have discovered that I have an infection in the burn wound. It is quite a mess as I have been saying. It was my primary care doctor that gasped when she saw my wound who confirmed the infection through a culture. This was less than one hour coming from the radiology nurse who checked my wound and said, "Keep doing what you are doing."  They have been watching me like a hawk in radiology, but failed to notice that things were turning bad, very bad. I was worried, they reassured me. I let myself be reassured even though my gut didn't think something was right. 

When I called radiology  the nurse was embarrassed they "missed something" and then complained about "too many hands in the stew".  In my mind, thank goodness there were more hands in the stew because now I was going to get the right kind of care.

When I went back to radiology after hearing about the infection, I thought for sure they would give me a new cream as the cream I am on has not helped one bit. I have been on it for a while and they kept telling me it was the best one to be on. I was shocked that the nurse said I should continue on the cream. So this time I decided to be clear that I was not going to use that cream anymore. I wanted to try something else. She told me about a new over the counter medicine that they had seen good results with, but it could only be found out of town and insurance didn't cover it. I didn't care. I would go anywhere and spent what I had to with the hopes that I would get some relief! It was $28.00 for a small tube, but as you will see, it was well worth it.

 I tried the cream that night and the very next day when I took my shower I was not wincing in pain when I washed my wound.  I could not believe how fast it worked.  It still was sore, but nothing like it was. I was so happy, but I realized that had I not spoken up I would still be using that crap cream and my skin would still be stinging. 

I am on an antibiotic now and with the new cream to help soothe the wound, I am praying that I am on an upswing. 

Set back

I have hit some set backs this week. My burns are not healing up too well and they are causing much discomfort. On top of that I came down with a case of the shingles. They are large and itchy and painful. So far I don't have that many, and I hope since I have been on the medicine a good 48 hours now that I will stop breaking out!

When I went to my primary care doctor on Monday to have her diagnosis the break out, she looked at my burn wounds. She gasped when she saw them. Granted, as a primary care doctor she doesn't deal with radiation patients, but when she gasped, it confirmed what I was experiencing.

So back to the radiation nurse tomorrow with hopes that she will give me a stronger cream and that the burns will soon heal up. I am doing my best to stay patient and to keep my spirits up, but I am really anxious to have my skin heal. 

I am going to work every day and just trying to focus on what I need to get done and not think about the pain. So far that is working.

Best wishes to me

Today was my last radiation treatment! 33 treatments over 7 weeks. When I sat up on the table after the last treatment, the balloon above was waiting for me anchored by a little bag with a blessing stone.  The technicians and the nurse hugged me, and I cried. They gave me their best wishes for a happier and healthier new year.

I think it always startles people when I cry because they always ask why am I crying? Same thing happened the last day of chemo. Both times I said that I was relieved that it was over and that satisfies them.But I think for me it is more than that. I am crying for everything. Crying that I had cancer, crying over the treatment, crying because of everything that is associated with cancer and how it has changed my day to day life.And relieved that I got through another phase.

It surprises me that people don't realize that, but I guess you wouldn't if you have never been through it or are not much of a crier. I am a crier and I am OK with it. 

My skin is a mess. I have open wounds that are raw and stinging me every second of the day. I am still going to need to stick to the regime of creams and ban on certain products until my skin heals. When my skin heals, then I will feel like I am done!

But there is no grass growing under my feet. I will be back at the hospital tomorrow for my Herceptin drip. Every three weeks until the end of May. And then there is hormone therapy. I still have a long way to go. The technicians asked if I was going out to celebrate.No, I am not celebrating. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that it is all done and over with, but for some reason it is sort of anti-climatic. I still have lots of treatment to go, so I will wait until that last treatment of Herceptin and then it will be party time!

Burn baby burn

I woke up around 3:00 A.M. in the morning due to the stinging from the burn under my arm. I was laying there trying to get back to sleep and I was feeling frustrated that the pain was keeping me awake. I was dreading going back to treatment today, thinking that it would be all down hill now. 

To my surprise, the technician told me that today was the last day they had to treat the entire breast and that one of the burned areas would no longer be treated so it would start healing. There is a possibility that the area under my arm might not need any more treatment either, but she won't know until tomorrow. 

For the next 7 days, they will only treat one area. It will be more concentrated, so I imagine the same thing could happen. I don't know. It isn't like they tell you unless you ask and well I just didn't. I will wait and see what happens. One day at a time. I have some gel pads that the nurse gave me for the burned areas and I am hoping that helps and that I will sleep better tonight. 

So it is a bump in the road. The nurse said I am doing well, if all I have is the skin problems. She was impressed with how much energy I had over the weekend.

And for some very strange reason the scale read exactly what it did when I got weighed last Wednesday. That could not be possible with all I ate this weekend. I was wondering if some sympathetic nurse messed with the scale so all the patients would feel good today. lol

Thanksgiving wrap up

A couple of days before Thanksgiving a friend called to see how I was doing with my treatments and was just absolutely astounded that I was hosting Thanksgiving dinner. She said that it was too big a meal to get on the table while I was undergoing radiation. I knew that I could very well handle it because I enjoy doing it,  my husband was going to help me, and most of all I had energy!  I am burned and blistered, but when I have things to do, it takes my mind off of how I am feeling.  My knees are a problem, but I was taking my meds and pacing myself so I knew I would be able to pull it off. I also gave myself silent permission that if I did need to excuse myself and take a nap, I would.

It really was the least stressful Thanksgiving I have ever put on. I just decided to relax and just do what I could. I did not go crazy over preparing and I asked people for help when I needed it. So simple, but in the past I made it so hard for myself.

I made an 18 pound turkey, a sour cream pumpkin pie, corn bread casserole, green bean casserole and stuffing. My husband made the mashed sweet potatoes and my MIL brought creamed onions. I also bought a small dutch apple pie and my DIL made cream cheese brownies. DIL also brought an artichoke dip for an appetizer. Everything was delicious. 

The next day we were invited to visit my younger son's new apartment and meet his girlfriend's parents and brothers and have dinner with them. My son moved to RI in May the day before my lumpectomy. I haven't had the time to visit him up there since. So he was very excited we were coming. We had a wonderful dinner with all of them and got along so well. 

I had given my son the dining room set from my mother's house. His new apartment had a huge dining room and he was the only one who could really use it.  It made me feel good sitting there thinking about all the Sunday dinners and birthday parties we had around that table and yet sad at the same time. Looking around the table at all new faces sitting there was an odd feeling. Someday those people will be my son's in-laws and I thought to myself that we were starting a new tradition with new family around the table.

We spent the night at a hotel and I had a chance to soak my legs in the hotel hot tub and it felt so wonderful to my aching joints. 

Today, we spent the afternoon at a 40th wedding anniversary party for my cousin. It was a surprise party and boy, were they surprised! I love a good surprise! It was great to see my cousins and family and we enjoyed an Italian buffet with a rum cake for dessert. When we were kids my grandmother always ordered rum cakes for parties and none of us had eaten a rum cake in years. It was nice to have it once again as it brought back good memories for all of us. 

I enjoyed having a four day break from the hospital! I was hoping my burns would have healed more than they did with the break and I am a bit nervous about how much worse 8 more sessions will make them. But like everything else that goes along with the cancer, I have no control and can only do my best managing the side effects as they arise. 

What I feel is very unjust though is that Monday is weigh-in day in the radiation center.  I think it would be heartless of them to make us get on the scale after Thanksgiving weekend.!

Thanksgiving

So this woman has hair! It is coming in pretty slowly, but it is coming in! I am not sure how long I want it to be before I can ditch the wig, but with the fall/winter weather hair this short makes me feel very cold. If it were summer, it would be a different story. 

I never completely lost my hair. My husband gave me a buzz cut soon after it started to fall out and I thought the rest of it would fall out as time went on. Everyone said it would, but to me it seemed to be growing a little bit. More fell out as I got further along with treatment, but I was never completely bald. 

I am now on my 5th week of radiation. Treatments have been going well. I do have some burning and blistering on my skin, but no infections. Compared to what they see, it isn't too bad. After today's treatment I will have a nice break over Thanksgiving. I get to stay away from the hospital for 4 straight days!  The break will give my skin a chance to heal a bit and then I go back on Monday and have 8 more days of radiation! There is light at the end of the tunnel! 

I am having Thanksgiving at my house tomorrow. It will be a small crowd. Me and my husband and sons and daughter in law, and MIL and BIL. Just the 7 of us. I am having a hard time with my knees so I am doing as much as I can sitting down. The husband did all the cleaning and he is helping me cook. The kids will do all the clean up. It is hard for me to not do it all because on some level, I enjoy it. But I am finding my stress level is way down not worrying about all I have to get done. 

I want to thank all my blogger friends for hanging in here with me. I appreciate the time you take out of your busy day to read my blog and comment. I get so much from your support and kind words and so enjoy reading your blogs as well.

I have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving and everyday. I wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving with all of your loved ones.

More of the same

 A few years ago, I had knee surgery, but it was clear that I needed a complete knee replacement in the near future. My doctor didn't recommend it for me because I am under 60 years old and he said if I had it early than that I would need it again by the time I am 80.  So for the past few years I have been in pain with my both knees and they have gotten progressively worse. At this time I am in more pain than I have ever been and medicine is not really helping much. At times it is excruciating. I believe this severe pain is a side effect from the chemotherapy on my joints, exacerbated by the fact that I have gained weight during the chemo, and that my joints were inflamed to begin with.

So while I am feeling pretty good post chemo and during this radiation period, the pain in my joints and stiff muscles have affected my mood this week. My quality of life is suffering. I think I am going to have to take yet more time off from work to see the orthopedica doctor. I can not do appointments after work because I go straight to the hospital for radiation. Maybe a cortisone shot would help hold me over until treatment is done. One knee is so sore that I can't kneel on it and I have difficulty bending my leg.

I did go to the massage therapist and she gave me some things to do at home to help my muscles stay loose but that is only helping minimally at this point. 

Friday did me in. I was all over the campus touring, then to a hotel for a professional development that I was in charge of.  So I keep running back and forth to the front desk for this or that.  Then walking around the hosptial for treatment and an appointment with my surgeon. By the time I left her office I was taking baby steps because it hurt so much to move.

I see my surgeon every three months. She is vivacious, warm, and so upbeat. Her energy is infectious and I feel good just having a brief encounter with her. She said that I am healing beautifully. She also said that it was "too bad that I couldn't whip it out once in a while and show people because it would be good advertising for her." When I was leaving, she gave me a big hug, like she always does. And while we were embracing she whispered into my ear, "I am so glad that your hemorrhoids went away."  LOL  

Here and there updates

Radiation Update

I am on my third week of radiation treatment. I fell easily into the routine of running out of work at the end of the day and getting myself to the hospital for treatment. Now that I am used to the routine, the treatment doesn't seem to take as long. I think I am there a total of 15-20 minutes, and I get the beam for about 5 minutes. This week I have sunburn under my breast and it is very annoying. While they give me cream to  minimize the burning, they don't give you anything to apply that will sooth it. Bummer.

The man before me at radiation finished his treatment yesterday. As he came out of the treatment room and into the waiting room, he wished me luck. Then he turned to me and the technicians and spread his arms wide  and said, "There is nothing else left to say." So much is unspoken in these situations. But the silence is powerful.

Art Therapy

I am still attending Art therapy at the hospital. In fact they interviewed me for their hospital newsletter. I don't think it is out yet and I am anxious to read it.

Last night the therapist had us  trace a whole body on our paper. Then we had to chose colors or images that represented our pain and put them on the painful part of the body. After that we had to pick a color to go over it that would create healing. 

There were only 2 of us in class last night and we went right to work. When we were done we talked about the process. I picked the color brown to represent the pain, because the pain is shitty. When I looked at the drawing and saw the visual of how much pain I am in, I was taken aback. No wonder I have been dragging myself around all week. Then I picked the color purple as the healing color and colored in the whole body, front and back in purple. I picked purple because it is the color of spirituality, the balance of mind, body, spirit.

Then the woman next to me talked about her work. It was so ironic that our bodies were almost exactly the same. We used the same colors for pain and both used purple for the healing.  She added orange around the edges to symbolize the light radiating from her. 

After she spoke the therapist noticed that all three of us were wearing purple tops, purple, our healing color. It gave me the chills when she said that. 

Healing chills. 

Secrets

I have been reading the Post Secret blog for a few years now. ( http://www.postsecret.com/) It is a blog that people send their secrets to, things that they have never told anyone else, and they are posted on this website. It is an anonymous catharsis for many who want to relieve themselves the burden of carrying around a secret.The website took off and there are now Post Secret books and an App for the iPhone and iPad.

I look forward to Sunday mornings when Frank Warren posts the new secrets on the web.  I find so many of them very poignant and inspiring as well as very sad at times.  Frank has taken Post Secret on the road speaking at college campuses all around the country. I have been keeping my eye on his schedule for a few years and he finally came to CT on Friday night. 

I was very happy that the college had power and that the event had not been canceled!  It seemed like a great presentation to attend after such a crazy week with no power.

I wondered if we would be the oldest people there since it was held at a college campus. Although we did see some adults who were older, my husband and I were by far the oldest ones attending. I took that to mean that we are just cool old people. lol

My husband does not follow Post Secret but agreed to come along. He didn't know what to expect at all and he was pleasantly surprised. He enjoyed the presentation as  much as I did. 

Frank Warren is an excellent speaker and shared quite a bit about his own life and how he started the project. He shared some secrets that he could not put into his books due to copyright or content. 

At the end of the presentation, they had microphones set up and people could line up and publicly share their secrets with the audience. It was very emotional. One in particular was from a college freshman who was a blond blue eyed beauty who did very well in school. The other students who envious of her brains and looks. She was attending the event with her mom. Her secret was that she has thoughts of self harm and has razor blades hidden in her room. She was very nervous telling her secret and she was crying. 

Maybe standing in the twilight lit auditorium filled with compassionate energy gave her the courage to finally let go of her secret. I wasn't sure because she was crying and her voice cracked at the end, but it sounded like she was telling her mom for the first time. 

Frank Warren does a great job of making people not feel so alone and creating community. I was very impressed with him. At the end of the event, my husband said he felt like he had just gone to church. I felt exactly the same way. I felt connected to everyone there even though we were all strangers. There was a powerful healing energy from the audience to the people who had the courage to share their pain.

Post Secrets resonates with so many, that is why it has become such a phenomena.And maybe it is no coincidence that the secrets are posted on  a Sunday.

Black out

We just got through 5 1/2 days with no power due to the freak snow storm on Oct. 29. Our power went out on Saturday at 4:15  P.M. and came back on Thursday night. 

Since the trees still had leaves on them the snow made the branches so heavy that the trees and branches were crashing down everywhere in our state.

Our wires are underground so we have rarely lost power in our neighborhood in the past. During the tropical storm Irene we were out for 36 hours, but it was August and it was warm so it wasn't that big an adjustment.

So I expected that this time around, power would be back soon and all would be well. I was very wrong. On Sunday we ventured out and could not believe what we saw. Downed trees and power lines everywhere. Power was out all over town and all the towns adjoining us. That means all traffic lights OUT! Driving was harrowing as some people would drive right through the intersections.

Many gas stations were out of power and closed. So the ones that were open had gas lines longer than I have ever seen before. The cars were lined up right in the streets causing all kinds of traffic jams and heated tempers. 

Many local restaurants were also closed so it was difficult to find places to get food and when we found places open, the lines were very long.

My 90 year old MIL was home alone. When we got to her house we found that she was managing very well with the fireplace and wood stove going. She is a very independent woman and never left anything entirely up to her  husband, so she knew how to light the stove and build a fire. She was able to make coffee and heat up food on the wood stove, so she seemed to be doing better than expected.  

When we visited again on Monday, the wood stove  did not seem to be functioning properly. The house was a bit smokey. MIL insisted the stove was fine and just a little smokey when it was first lit. To make a long story short, my husband ended up turning it off because it did not seem to be getting better and told my MIL that it was unsafe and that we would take her to dinner for a hot meal. She was not happy that her stove was turned off and refused going out to dinner because it was Halloween and she wanted to be home for the trick or treaters. Well, no parent in their right mind would be sending out kids with no street lights to home and power lines down everywhere, but she insisted on staying home. So we decided to bring her a meal from a local restaurant.

We went back to the house later with her meal and she had turned the stove back on again and the entire house was filled with smoke and she was denying that anything was wrong with the stove. It scared the shit out of me to see her in potential danger. 

We called my BIL and he came the next day and took her back to his house out of state so she could be safe and warm. And better still we did not have to worry about her since we had to worry about ourselves. 

I found that sleeping with pajamas, bathrobe, socks, a blanket and 2 quilts we stayed quite comfortably warm during the night. But during the day we could not wait to get out of the house. 

The whole week was exhausting on every level. 

My 86 year old mother lives in Sr. housing. They had a generator for the community room so the residents were down there during the daytime staying warm and cooking food. The management held Bingo and card games to keep them occupied in the evenings, but they all had to return to apartments with no heat. All of my family had lost power so no one could reach out to my mom and take her in and keep her warm at night. When our power finally came back on on Thursday, we went right over there and picked her up and took her home to our house. I hated not being able to help her sooner.

During the day we spent time driving all over creation. It was too cold in our house to stay here so we had to make a plan of where to go to get warm. I started to think about the homeless people and how they have to live like that everyday when the shelters close in the mornings and they get sent out to the streets again. Had the temperatures dropped we would have ended up in a shelter ourselves since everyone was out of power (except for the folks with generators)and no one could take us in. It was a humbling thought.

This situation has caused a great deal of anger across our state since it has taken so long for the power company to restore power. Many homes are still without power today. We had to wait for crews from Canada and Missouri to come and help our electric company. Seems our state didn't pay the out of state workers for their help with storm Irene so they refused to send help at first.

There have been many storm related deaths in our state. People dying from carbon monoxide poisoning from poorly vented generators, bringing gas grills into the house, and some traffic related incidents as well.

Today most of my family has power. MIL back at home with power, and my mom in her apartment with power. I have never been as happy to cook, vacuum, and do laundry as I am today!

Check in

Just checking in. I have 4 radiation treatments under my belt. They let me change in the radiation room so I have my privacy and I have the routine down so it goes very quickly. I am adjusting. 

I had a pretty good weekend. On Sat. I had breakfast with a really good friend I used to work with. Then my husband and I just took off and did some errands and ended up at the last minute calling up a friend and meeting her for dinner. I was gone all day and got nothing done here, but it was good to get out.

Sunday we visited with my sister and her family. I haven't seen her grand-daughter since she started to walk and it was such great fun to be with everyone and play with Z. Then I went home and napped all afternoon. I got up in time to bring down the winter clothes and put away the summer stuff for good. 

Do you believe they are saying we might have some snow showers on Saturday night? No, I am not ready for that!

Phase ll

Last week I went for my radiation appointment. Most people tell you that chemo was the hardest so the worst is behind you and that radiation is so much easier. But I know a few folks who did great with chemo and found radiation very hard. I didn't ask detailed questions as to why it  was hard, because I don't want those things stuck in my head for fear that they will happen to me. Once I was in the grocery store and I over heard a woman telling her friend how hard radiation was for her and I pushed my carriage out of there so fast, so  I would not have to hear anymore.  So I will have to see for myself what my experience will be.

I didn't get off to a great start as far as my first appointment. I sat there listening to the doctor tell me all about the side effects and I started to become uneasy. I don't enjoy hearing all about the things that can go wrong and it drives home the point of how serious and risky all these treatments are even though they have become so common place.

Then they took me in for a CAT Scan. It was not a diagnostic CAT scan, it was a scan that they do to get information to make a treatment plan. It was only 5 minutes in the machine, but I get so anxious in the machine, so I was not looking forward to it. They warned me on the phone that if they had time, they would be doing the scan at the consult, so I came prepared with my sleep mask! 

There were many moments of  humiliation involved in the appointment. First off they take you to the dressing rooms and you walk out in your johnny into the "inner waiting" room. You are allowed to have one adult wait for you in the "inner waiting" room. So I step out of the dressing room into the waiting room and there are men sitting there waiting for their wives. My husband was in the "outer waiting" room and I think that is where all the husbands need to be! It was so uncomfortable walking out and in those stupid johnny coats and having men there. I had my pants on so the johnny was not flapping in the breeze, but I still had to hold it so my back would not be exposed. 

Then I get into the CAT scan room and lay down. I have positional vertigo and had a little trouble putting my head the way they needed it to be, but we managed to find a position that did not cause me dizziness. They moved me in all different ways to make a mold of my shoulders which I will use for every radiation.

At one point, they were taking digital pictures of my exposed breast. It made me cringe.  Then they gave me permanent tattoos that they put on your body to use to line up the machines. The tattoos are very small dots, but let me tell you that when they stick the needle in it sure hurts. 

So I was very happy when the whole appointment was behind me and glad that they did the CAT scan and I didn't have to come back and do it another day. I took 3 hours off from work to get it all done.

You can imagine my dissappointment when the office called me in the afternoon to tell me that they didn't get all of the information they needed with the CAT scan and although it is rare, this sometimes happens.  I had to go back and repeat the CAT scan. They had to do the CAT scan twice more to get what they needed. I am not sure why it was so difficult for them to get it right, but I was just glad it was done.

When I went back for the repeat CAT scan, I told the girl how uncomfortable the dressing room situation was for me. She said all the patients complain about lack of privacy that I was not alone and to talk to the main office. I didn't do it yet, but I plan on it. 

I will start radiation next Monday, Oct. 17 and it will last 6 1/2 weeks.

Ever since my consult appointment, I have been a little down trying to figure out how I will gear up for this next phase. I was on a real  high when the chemo was done and adjusting to starting all over again with a new treatment with new people, in a new department, a new drill just was too much to think about. Blah! And not feeling comfortable in the environment is not helping. I have been telling myself that I will gear up and handle it, just like I did for the chemo. I still have a week to get into the right frame of mind. 

I was at the library yesterday looking for some specific books that were absolutely not cancer related. Since it is breast cancer awareness month they had an assortment of cancer books displayed. They caught my eye and I had to look at what was out there, just in case I had missed a really good one.  I looked them over and decided to keep with my intention of not reading any more cancer books. There is just so much you can read about it. The books on display pretty much were filled with all the typical information that I have read about.

So I went looking for the books on my list  that were non-cancer related! By accident when I was going through the books, I came across more cancer books and one stood out. It was called: Surviving Cancer Emotionally: Learning How to Heal by Roger Granet, M.D.  Now that looked like a really good book and other books I have read only touched on the emotional side of cancer, so I broke my rule and took out another cancer book to read. 

And I am glad I did. It is one of the best books I have read and the only book that really talks about the phases of feelings that you go through and what is normal and concrete examples of ways to cope with cancer. I was pleased to see that many of the things I have been doing (massage, music, art) was on  his list of ways to cope. 

And I just read that every phase of cancer treatment is a crisis. So the dread I am feeling about radiation and how difficult it is to gear up for it is completely normal in this circumstance. Even the oncologist told me that he didn't understand why I was down, since the worst was behind me. If he could have known to say that it was a normal feeling, that would have been so much more helpful to me. But he isn't trained when it comes to the emotinal aspect of cancer. 

Next time I am there I am going to tell him about this book. This should be recommended reading for cancer patients or any one going through an illness that is life changing.

And as soon as I finish this book I will return it to the library and tell them it should be out front and center with the display of books for Oct. and breast cancer awareness month.

Over the Rainbow

I went to art therapy tonight at the hospital. Our group got locked out of the building due to some construction they are in the middle of. We waited for security to come to unlock, but he never came. 

It had been raining hard before we arrived, but the rain had let up and the sun  was peeking through. I knew it was just the right conditions for a rainbow. We looked around and didn't see anything. A few minutes later there was a huge, brightly colored rainbow over the hospital. It was the brightest and biggest rainbow I have ever seen in my life. It was a double rainbow, but the other one was very faint. 

I was so glad to have my camera with me although the photos do not do justice to what we saw. And the hospital building was blocking some of it. 

We ended up being sent home from art therapy, because no one could unlock the door. We all decided that if we had art as usual we would have  missed the rainbow as we would have been inside in a room with no windows. So it was meant to be that we should skip art and see some of nature's art instead! 

Weekend news

My father- in- law took a turn for the worst over the weekend and passed away on Sunday night. On Saturday, my husband and son were at the hospital with him and my mother- in- law and brother -in- law. I was home and I went grocery shopping to buy some food to make my husband a good dinner for when he got home. We have not been shopping or cooking regularly since my treatments started.  I was in the mood for home cooking. I made stuffed chicken, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole. It felt so good to be fussing in my kitchen and knowing that when my husband came home he would have a really nice home cooked meal. We were eating out way, way, too much. 

My husband came home and brought his brother and they were both famished. It was the first time I had seen my brother- in- law since my FIL went into hospice. Again, I was not allowed to visit my FIL due to my risk of infection from the chemotherapy, so I had been out of the whole process other than what my husband was sharing with me.  The week before members of the church choir went to the hospice and sang at my FIL's bedside. My husband recorded it for me so I could hear it and we all were discussing how beautiful they sounded,  how we all cried listening to it, and what a gift it was for my FIL.

We talked all night about death and dying and the situation at hand.

I went off to bed, glad I could be part of the family process in a small way. 

As I drifted off to sleep I started to see the color green when my eyes were closed. Metaphysicians will tell you that when you meditate and see the color green, that you are experiencing physical healing. I had this experience once before way back when I was first diagnosed and I was working with my energy healer. But this time the green was even deeper and more beautiful and I  also saw green crystals. I was excited. So many other times I tried meditation to see the green again and nothing. Now without any effort, there it was before my eyes, a comfort and a hope that all the hard work  that I am doing with my therapist on top of the chemo was making an impact on my health.

I drifted off into a deep sleep, so deep that I found myself dreaming that I was at my father- in- law's side and I was taking every breath right along with him. I was right up close to his face, breathing along with him. Waiting to see if he was going to take that last breath. But I was also confused about who was dying, him or me? I tossed and turned and I tried at times pull myself out of that "dream" but there I stayed by his side for what seemed like the entire night. 

The next morning my husband went to the hospital early and by 10:30 A.M. they called the rest of family as my FIL was now at the threshold of life and death. It was Sunday, the day when my chemo side effects are the worst. I usually can barely function, but I was a little better than usual. My son called. Should he go to the hospital and be with the family or come and take care of me? I knew I would probably sleep the whole day and I was able to get around when I needed to, so I told him to go be with my husband in my place. 

So for the entire day I laid around all alone in the house while my husband and son sat vigil  at the hospital. They texted and called me all day to make sure I was OK and give me updates.

So there I was lying in the dark sick from chemo, drifting out of sleep and waking up very, very foggy brained all the while  getting texts about a dying relative. 

Surreal to me. 

A banner day

Ring the bell
3 Times well
It's toll to clearly say
My treatment is done
This course is run And I am on my way.

Yesterday I completed 6 rounds of chemotherapy for an invasive breast cancer. My treatment is not really done. I will continue to go for 13 more infusions to oncology as well as radiation. But I will be on a medicine that does not have the harsh side effects of the chemo. They told me all along that I could not ring the bell until the spring when all the infusions were completed. I was disappointed because I wanted to mark the end of the chemo, but I understood their reasoning.

So to my surprise yesterday at the end of the day they told me that I could ring the bell because they wanted me to celebrate the milestone. I burst into tears. I so needed to have the closure on the chemo. I had been so inspired by all those before me who finished chemo and rang the bell. It gave me hope that I could make it to the finish line as well.

So I got up and went over to the bell.   I started to ring the bell and all the nurses and techs lined up to watch me. And it was then that I realized that they looked even more happy than I was. Seeing them all lined up like that was amazing. There were so many of them who had been taking care of me.

So I started to ring that bell harder for them and shout Whoopee!!! It was an awesome feeling! I hugged all of them and then I was presented with flowers. A local florist donates flowers to the oncology department.

So even though I still have a long road to go, I am done with Phase 1!
I now think that life should have a whole lot more of bell ringing moments!  Ring them bells!

And so it is

I was e-mailing today with a work professional who knows that I am in treatment for breast cancer. She asked how I was doing and I sent her back a quick e-mail and updated her. Then she wrote back something that has stuck in my head all day. She said something to the effect that she hoped after all is said and done that I would "achieve my desired outcome".  

Desired outcome. It seemed like an odd way to put it.  I try not to think about anything other than beating this. I felt a twinge of fear when I read her message, as it reminded me of the undesirable outcomes that could happen and do happen for some women.

I think about all the women I know who are survivors and assume I will be one of them. But today,  those words, desired outcome, shook me some.  I started to think about what would happen if this illness does not play out the way I pray for it to.

I was walking through the grocery store after work wheeling my carriage around the store in sort of a daze feeling sad as I thought of different scenarios that could happen.   Then I got mad at her for wording her message the way she did and mad at myself for ever telling her I was undergoing all of this. Then I realized that I was just having a normal dose of fear which is common for someone diagnosed with cancer.  Fortunately, I didn't allow myself to think sad thoughts for too long and I felt better and let go of all those negative thoughts invading my mind.

My desired outcome is to be cancer free and healed. And so it is. 

Taking it seriously

A three day weekend! I only worked 3 days total last week and still could not wait to be off.  I was hoping to get so much accomplished these 3 days, but the cumulative effects from the chemo have kept me mostly very tired and not doing much. At least I am more awake today than yesterday when I slept most of the day and never left the house.

My husband's father was moved to Hospice on Wednesday. Although they can not predict for sure, the staff there thought he might have about a week left. My husband has been bringing his mom up there every day. I am not allowed to go to the hospital due to the risk of infection to myself. Everyone understands this, but it is very weird to me to not be with the family when they are visiting him and not being part of the process. Never would I have ever imagined not being by my husband's side when one of his parents were dying. Even though it is out of my control, I was feeling like an awful wife for awhile. Now I have let those negative thoughts go and I am just concentrating on what I can do for my husband when he is home. 

This morning he wanted to go and get breakfast and bring it to the beach and eat and watch the ocean for awhile, so I dragged myself out of bed early so we could do so. Then he dropped me off home and off he went to the hospital. 

My own mother has been having health issues as well. My two sisters are handling it without me. There is no way I can take time off from work to take mom to Dr. appointments because I am taking so much time off for treatments. So my sisters are on their own. I know they miss having me help out, but nothing I can do about it. I have to take care of me and there is not enough left over to take care of others.

When people see me, they alwarys remark that I look good. When I am not looking good, I am home in bed so no one sees me. What has been interesting is that a couple of people have challenged me about a couple of decisions I have made because they don't like that I am not available to them. They feel that since I look good and I am coping well with treatment that I can not decline invitations or requests.  They are pretty much telling me that I can't use cancer as a reason to say NO to them. So very interesting. If I knew people were going to be like this, I would have made up some drama so they would leave me alone! LOL

My therapist always reminds me that I have cancer and that I do not have to do anything that I do not want to do and even though it is hard sometimes to say no, I know that I must do the healthy thing for myself to avoid stress. She wants me to avoid stress at all costs. So if I do not want to do something, I should not.

And since we are under more stress now than we care to have all at once, I am taking her words seriously.

Tuesday, tuesday

The storm is long gone. We were out of power for 35 hours, but luckily had water so we could shower. We are inland, so we were rather lucky with the weather.  I felt awful during the storm, but survived. Nothing like having limited coping skills during a crisis, but we made it and all is safe and well. 

I am catching up on my rest and heading back to work tomorrow. Head is clear, energy has come back quite a bit since yesterday, and working on getting my attitude back.

FIL is not doing well and still in the hospital. 

Before the storm

Maybe it is the full moon. I am so sappy sad tonight and have been sitting here looking at old pictures from my childhood. So many pictures of the house. Missing my dad, the house, my hair, my old life. Not liking my scars, the pain, the numbness,  the side effects that I know are coming this weekend and some that will last for a couple of weeks. 

Last night my husband and I were tired from a long day at chemo and he was falling asleep on the couch. The phone rings at 9:00 P.M. His dad was being taken from the Assisted Living to the hospital. He has vascular dementia and has been in a residential setting for about 6 months. Often we get calls that he is going to the hospital for one reason or another and off my husband goes. I felt so bad for him last night though after spending his whole day in the hospital with me and then needs to go to the ER with his dad. 

FIL has pneumonia again. Last time we almost lost him, right now he is stable, but who knows. He doesn't know any or our names any longer. He doesn't read, watch TV, or do anything anymore. Just wants to eat and sleep. He was a civil engineer and a very active man. It is hard to see how much he has gone downhill, but there is nothing any of us can do. I was feeling guilty some last night  because I was more worried about my husband and the stress he is under care taking me, his dad, and his mom.

And the hurricane is coming. Sunday will be my hardest day with my chemo side effects. I can't be alone. My head gets too fuzzy and I can't even think. My mother in law could not be alone in a hurricane either. We could have had her come here, but I so need privacy during this time. God that sounds so selfish but it is true. I don't want anyone else seeing me like that.

My husband  reached out to his brother to come and help us out. He tries to come down on occasion and  help, but it can never be enough for all we need, especially now with me trying to recover. My brother in law stepped up to the occasion and is coming tomorrow to stay with her. She will be happier in the comfort of her own home and so will I. I am grateful we have my brother in law and that he was willing to come so my husband didn't feel torn once again between  me and his mother. My husband said he feels like he has two days off from care taking and it feels good to him. Even though he will be here waiting on me some when I am not passed out.

With all we have going on a hurricane is just making this life a whole lot more stressful! I am praying it will not be as bad as they say. We are getting automated calls from the power company already saying that if power goes out, it will be out for a few days! Yikes! No FB, Blogs, Words with Friends, e-mail.. I will go crazy!

All kidding aside.  I just want everyone to be safe and sound and get through this storm! Hope you are all prepared and I will be thinking and praying for you all.

The Experiment

I am so excited to hear that one of my favorite bloggers Kelle Hampton has a book coming out in April! I am so happy for her. http://www.kellehampton.com/2011/08/bloom.html Check it out! 

On another note, I am so happy today, because I figured out how to cut down my infusion time.   I always get hot flashes when I go to chemotherapy and then they have to stop the infusion run saline and it slows down the process. I believed the hot flashes were the normal ones I get all day every day, but they wanted to be sure it was not from the chemo so to be safe they had to follow the rules and stop it. 

When I get to the treatment room in the moring it is really cold in there. I always wrap myself up in a blanket and a shawl for my shouders and that keeps me warm. I started to wonder if that was making it too warm for my body once they started to flow the chemo. So today I did an experiment. I didn't wrap myself in the blanket. It was cold in the room, so I put the shawl which is lighter than the blanket over my chest. I was still chilly, but not cold so I put up with being a little chilly. 

They ran the chemo and for the first time I didn't have any hot flashes and they did not have to stop. I was home by 3:30 PM instead of 5:00PM! I really think not over heating my body helped me to not have the hot flashes!  It really pays off to pay attention to our bodies! I wish I figured it sooner, but glad I figured it out for today and for the next time!  I pass this on to others who might be experiencing the same thing I did.

Earthquake on Tuesday and getting ready for a Hurricane on Sunday. What is going on? 

A whole lot of shaking going on

I was at work today and my co-worker was on the phone with a colleague in PA. All of a sudden everything in her office started shaking and she realized they were having an earthquake and she quickly hung up the phone. Then we heard the reports from many of our family and friends who felt the quake here in CT! My sister said her chair was rocking, water coolers were shaking, stuff on walls shaking, a friend at the shore said her beach chair moved with her sitting in it. Buildings were evacuated.

I didn't feel a thing and I am very glad of that! We never have quakes here so this was big excitement for everyone. Fortunately, no injuries or property damage! 

I thought some of my blogger friends might have felt it as well since it originated in VA. Anyone feel it?

I am gearing up for round #5 of chemo on Thursday. Second to the last!  I can not wait to be going to the last one in September. Even though I will still have 13 infusions after the chemo, the side effects of the Herceptin on its' own should be much more manageable. And my infusion time will go from 7 hours to 90 minutes!

I hope anyone landing on this blog will see that cancer treatment does not have to be so harsh. When they say attitude is everything, it is really true! I have been doing so well because I decided to get better not bitter. I catch my thoughts and if I start to feel afraid or down, I start saying positive affirmations and and take my energy up so I will not spiral down!  I still have my moments. Sometimes while doing something very insignificant like putting jelly on toast, it will hit me that I am a cancer patient and I start to cry in utter disbelief.  Then it is over as soon as it began and I eat my toast. No burying the feelings. Just feeling them as they come and letting them go so I can carry on. I make the most of my days. No ruining them with bitterness or fear. 

Coworkers stop me to ask how I am and they always say to me, " I see you smiling, your spirits are up!" There is every reason right now for my spirits to be up... I have a chance at a cure! And I am working on it, baby!

Another update

It has been a great week for me. I took it off to have some time at home when I was feeling good to get some things done around the house and catch up with some friends. 

I went to lunch with one friend and other friend and I saw the movie, The Help. We both read the book and loved it and felt they did a great job with the movie. Very enjoyable and well acted. Today the husband and I went to lunch.

I had a burst of energy this week and I made a point to deal with some unsightly clutter that was taking over in our extra rooms. It feels so good to get clutter out of the way. I have one big box to bring to Goodwill and another box of books to donate elsewhere. What a wonderful feeling to be up and doing something productive around here! It may seem like a small thing, but it brought me so much happiness!

I have had another interesting situation rise up with a friend who is also a cancer survivor who complained to another friend that she wants to be closer to me and support me, but I wasn't letting her. Sigh. I have not pushed anyone away and I have reached out when I needed it, so I was surprised to hear this.

I have another friend who I am even closer with and she is also a  cancer survivor and I hadn't heard a word from her all summer. We connected only because I ran into her at the store and then we made a date to have lunch. I wondered if we had  not run into one another if I would have heard from her?  

She did say at one point that my cancer and the cancer of another person she knows was bringing back her own experiences. Maybe it is making her upset to be around us, so I tried to down play my cancer.

Oh well, things can get complicated with friends so I will see what happens.

My blood count has stayed normal this whole time. My hair is even growing back in! I have a little Afro going on and I even see hair on my legs coming back.  That is very surprising after 4 rounds of chemo and 2 more to go. I suppose it all could change during the next 2 rounds, so we will see. It is all an adventure to see what goes on with the hair!

And for all who say I am not complaining enough, I will complain about a nasty hemorrhoid that has been driving me crazy for a couple of weeks! LOL! An annoying side effect. But I am not letting it get me down!

Checking in

It has been a week since treatment 4. I was home for 3 days and went back to work on Thursday. It always feels so good to go back to work. It means that I am clear headed and feel motivated! When I am recovering from chemo, I always have a little fear that I won't get past the side effects ever again. So when I feel good enough to go back to work  it is a wonderful feeling and a good marker for me.

I am still dealing with some annoying and  painful side effects as the chemo does a job on my digestive system, but when I feel clear headed I can handle the rest of the issues easier. I hope to be almost back to normal by the end of the week. 

So sorry for the anxiety ridden last post.  When I shared some of those issues from the blog post with a friend, she said that now I sounded more normal and that up until last week, she thought I was acting too much like a saint she was worried about me. She said she has been waiting for the dam to burst. She actually said that she thought too much positivity was not a good thing. 

I was a bit taken aback about being told I was acting like a saint. So many people have been telling me that they are proud of me for how I am handling this and that I am so positive. To be honest, I feel that everyone is watching me and judging me. So what if I was having a more difficult time coping, would they not be proud of me? It is weird to hear some of the comments people say to me. 

I assured my friend that the dam breaks all the time. That is why I go to art therapy once a week and see my mind/body energy healer once a week. I think that is why I can appear so "saintly" when I see my friends and family.  I don't know how people expect me to behave, but I am just behaving the way I am. My friend said she would feel better if I said the F word a bit.  I said the F word a lot in the beginning when I was smashing dishes in my back yard. I have moved on.

Another person close to me said that she could not bear to see me suffering. I had to tell her that I would not say that I was suffering. I have been damn lucky that the side effects have not been worse. I see people at treatment that are suffering and I know the difference.  So I have to comfort her and encourage her to let go of that suffering story so she can feel better. It gets exhausting trying to comfort people who think they are comforting me.

I am taking this coming week off from work. I plan to  visit with friends and do some fun stuff! 

Resurfacing

Yesterday was one of my recovery days from Friday's chemo. I had hired a housekeeper to come and help us out and she canceled on Saturday when I was feeling better and came on Tuesday when I was feeling like death warmed over. She saw how I didn't feel well and she did the basics then left early. I was so glad to see her go so I could just relax and sleep. That is all I can do, sleep and let the foggy brained feelings pass.

My husband was gone all of Tuesday and stayed overnight with his mom as she was coming home from the rehab. He had to grocery shop for her, get her house ready, deal with newly found termites in her house, deal with water leaking into the house from a backed up gutter, and other stuff. Once again he was torn between leaving me alone after chemo and being with her. But I knew I would be OK and my son is close by if I needed anything. I could have had someone stay here, but I would rather ask when I am really in need. It is not easy for people during a work week to come and stay over. 

My  son stopped by after work and he took me to the drug store because I needed yet another medication for yet another issue that came up. He visited for awhile and we got to catch up. Even 5 minutes of seeing either one of my kids is the best medicine that I could possibly ask for. 

When my son was leaving he patted me on the head - on my new  peach fuzz head. It was just so sweet and my heart melted. I am so glad that both my sons are handling all of this so well. They are not afraid to talk about things and allow me to talk when I need to. I love that they are not uncomfortable seeing me with no hair and just treat me normal, just like the mom I have always been.

Share, feel, breathe, heal

This was one of the tougher weeks I have had since my diagnosis. On Wednesday, I became ill with pain and some other symptoms that led me right to the doctor's office by early afternoon. After the check up he put me on antibiotics for a slight UTI, but he thought that it might more likely be a kidney stone and sent me for x-rays. It was the day before my 4th round of chemo, so we needed to have some answers. 

I called my oncologist and they canceled my chemo for the next day. At first I was so disappointed. I was all psyched up to go and when they rescheduled me for next week, I realized how it was going to mess up my work schedule and then put me out another week for finishing up. I know setbacks come with the territory, but I was not planning for any!  :-)

I spent Wednesday with pain that waxed and waned and was pretty uncomfortable and worried about how long it would take to pass a kidney stone and how painful I have heard that can be. But in my gut, I didn't think I had a stone. I was convinced it was a UTI. And I was RIGHT!  X-ray did not show signs of anything and once on the antibiotic and a strong dose of Ibuprofen, I was good as new the next day.

But with chemo canceled, I just went to work as usual. The oncology department called me at 9:30 A.M. and said that the oncologist wanted me to come in for the chemo as planned since I did not have a temp and was on antibiotics. It sort of threw me that they called. I had work piled up on my desk to get through, I hadn't  packed all our  "chemo gear", I didn't even know if my husband was around to come with me, I had to find my boss and tell her I had to leave. I hadn't taken the rest of my steroids because they canceled me. I could feel my blood pressure go up, yet I wanted to go and get back on my schedule. So I started to rush around to get everything organized so I could go.

I call them back to tell them I am going to come. Then they said they would call me back to make sure my meds were there. I am running around trying to tie up loose ends, calling my husband telling him what to pack for me and just acting like a nut. All the while I am thinking... this is not a good way to go into chemo. I don't want to be a harried mess going into it, but I don't want to wait until next week either. 

Finally they call me back, "Lena, we never ordered your treatment meds since they canceled you. We are sorry, but we can't take you today, can you come tomorrow?" I was relieved, I felt my blood pressure go down, and going on Friday still kept me on my weekly schedule! So I was happy about that. But then I remembered I needed my steroids if I was going to be going on Friday and I had to run home and get them to take them. This whole fiasco took about an hour with all the calls and running back home. It all worked out, but I sure wish they had checked out the medicine situation before they called me and got me in a tizzy! 

And while all of this was going on, my husband was at the ER with my mother in law who was also not feeling well. He was with her all day long until she was admitted and feeling torn once again that he was not with me At one point I thought I would  have to ask someone from work to take me to the doctor, but by the time I had my appointment I was able to drive. 

Treatment day was a little more intense for me than usual.There was a younger woman next to me and everything was going wrong for her and it was her first day. They could not use her port for some reason, and they had a lot of trouble getting her veins, she was snapping at them for hurting her. She had the curtains pulled all around her and would not talk to anyone. When we were leaving she was gone, I never saw or heard her leave, neither one of us did.

I said to the nurse that I was feeling bad for that patient because she had a hard day and that she was all alone. The nurse said the woman's husband had been there and then could not handle it and he left her.
That made me feel so much worse for her.

The nurse said the woman didn't want to come back. I wish I could have talked to her and helped her, but obviously she didn't want to talk to anyone because she was so shut down. I don't blame her. So  awful when
the first day of chemo sucks so bad.  I kept feeling so grateful that my first day went so well, so that I was not afraid to go back.

On the other side of me were some serious sick patients with a lot of side effects and  not so good prognosis. Harder day when sitting with people who are not doing well. I tried to just listen to my music and
drown out the stories. It is awful to not want to hear, but it is hard sometimes, and I heard lots anyways and tried to be supportive and yet protective of myself and my needs.

I was very anxious when I got home. I realized that I was just dealing with all this stuff being thrown at me and yet had not processed it all. Being sick on top of cancer threw me, my mother law had been doing so well, now back in hospital (since discharged and OK!), worrying about my husband handling all this care-taking, being around and trying to be supportive to some very seriously ill people. I used to be hospice volunteer, so I have the skills to work with people, but it is different now being in the middle of my own recovery. It all got to me and I realized that I don't know what normal is anymore and it made me sad. 

Luckily, a friend called right when I was feeling so anxious that I wondered if I needed to go to the ER. Once I started to talk and tell her about the last 3 days, I felt the anxiety start to leave me, I calmed down, relaxed and felt like a normal person again. I had to feel the feelings of the past three days, not just try to run through the days like a bull in a china shop. 

Share, feel, breathe,  heal. That is how it works best for me. I slept like a baby last night. 

Sing a song

My husband and I decided at the last  minute to take the weekend and go to Vermont. We love going up there and decided while all the elders were stable, it was a good weekend to get away. 

We left right after work on Friday. Saturday and Sunday were just perfect weather days and it was so awesome to be up there. On Saturday afternoon we went to see a play called "Souvenir." It was the story of Florence Foster Jenkins. It was a very funny and poignant play and my husband and I both enjoyed it so much!

Here is the YouTube of the real Jenkins: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBOuRlgoU2A&feature=related  She was a woman of wealth who was convinced she was a great singer. She sure wasn't, but developed a following anyway. She had her passion for singing and somehow what she heard herself sing was not what the public heard.

She reminded me of myself in a way. I LOVE to sing, but can not carry a tune. lol - I found myself thinking during the play that I wish I was like her and didn't know I sound awful. She got so much joy singing to her friends and even went to Carnegie Hall. But the audiences were not kind at Carnegie and that was her last concert because she died a month later. Some say she died of a  broken heart, but others dispute it. 

But oh, she had 12 years of singing her heart out and she made people happy even if it was not in the way she intended.

There were only 2 cast members. The piano player and the actress who played Jenkins. They were both fantastic! We saw the play at Weston Theater Other Place at the Rod and Gun Club. A very small (75 seats maybe) theater. We sat in the front row so that made it even more exciting! 

The next morning we went to breakfast and saw the actors in the restaurant so I had a chance to tell them both how great they were and how much we enjoyed the show! 

So if the play ever comes to your area, check it out!

Weekend update

On Friday my mother in law had her 90th birthday party. It wasn't at any fancy restaurant like we had planned but considering what she had been through with her accident she was lucky to be alive. We brought her favorite sword fish dinner from a local restaurant and cake to a dining room at the rehab center and she had all of her children and a couple of her grandchildren with her. 

Because I have been undergoing chemo, I have been staying away from hospitals and rehab centers so that I could stay as healthy as possible. My oncology nurse thought it was fine for me to attend the birthday party though. She said as long as I stayed out of patients rooms and went straight into the dining room and practiced good hand washing that I should be fine. It is important to be a part of family functions especially a milestone birthday.

So it all turned out just fine. She was surprised that I was able to come and she so enjoyed her dinner and the company of her family. I was happy to finally see her and thought that she was doing very well with her recovery. She will stay at rehab a while longer, but she is just fine with that. She is one strong woman and I  don't believe this accident will set her back too much. At least that is how it looks now.

Saturday night we took my mom out for dinner and a stop at the cemetery on the way home.

So that was our weekend. Hanging out with the elders. I know it made them happy to have our company so we were pleased to do it!

Off the top of my head

The other day I was hanging around the house and I needed to run an errand. I got into my car and was about to pull out of the driveway and I realized, no wig or hat on my head.  There I was ready to take off and go with my bald head. I didn't feel like going back into the house to get a hat, and considered just taking off like that. But I have this issue that my bald head might make other people uncomfortable.  So  I searched the car and found I had a hat stashed in there and I thew it on, relieved I didn't have to run back into the house.

I have decided that for the most part I can go driving around town bald headed in my car, but if I need to go into a store I will put on a hat. I don't like having to hide my head, but I know people will just stare at me if I were to walk around completely bald and I will feel self conscious. As it is, when I have a hat on, I get looks. It is obvious here is no hair under there.

So I wasn't too surprised last night when I had a dream that I had lunch with a friend and then went on a job interview and in the middle of the interview I realized I was bald headed. In the dream, I was in a panic when I realized I forgot my wig. I woke up.  I remembered how comfortable I felt in real life when I walked out the door with nothing on my head and sort of wondered why this made its' way into my dream. Did I need to remind myself  not to get too comfortable because I could make big faux pas?
  
I want to be braver. I want to be like Demi Moore on the red carpet with her completely bald head when she was in the G. I. Jane movie. Of course I am no Demi Moore, I am not on the red carpet promoting a movie.

But I will continue to push the envelope a little bit in little ways when I can.