Caught!

My 91 year old mother in law was caught driving with a suspended license. She never told the family that her license was suspended. In any case, she had promised not to drive and my husband has been taking her to church, doctor appointments, and other errands. All that was not enough for her and she has been sneaking the car out for the past year.

She was caught last Tuesday because she passed a POLICE CAR too closely and almost knocked off the side mirror. She now has to go to court on the morning on Christmas Eve and my husband will be accompanying her.

To all who say "take the keys away", it is way more complicated that that. She is an independent elder, living on her own and paying her own bills and taking care of her home. There  are multiple copies of the keys available to her.

She is not repenting for her actions and plans to fight to get her license back. She is in very deep denial about her driving abilities even after failing the driving evaluation last year.This is putting a damper on Christmas as it did last year when we were dealing with her.

The police now know her and will be on the look for her if she dares drive again without her license. The next time they will impound the car.

Eldercare is more stressful than the teen years if you ask me!

A Quiet holiday

Thanksgiving was a bit weird this year. My 91 year old mother in law insisted that she would order the entire meal from a local market and we would all eat at her home. I really, really, wanted to cook this year. I LOVE cooking Thanksgiving dinner and I was looking so forward to it. There was no arguing with her as she started to get aggressive saying she "staked her claim on Thanksgiving" and that was what she was doing and we were expected to be there.

She is 91 and very stubborn, there was no use trying to change her mind. I was so disappointed and it felt so weird to not be cooking anything for the holiday.

Both my children spent Thanksgiving with their in-laws so it was just me and my husband and his brother plus my mother in law. It was a very quiet Thanksgiving. I did take a break in between the meal and dessert to stop over to see my side of the family. Love being with my family and I am glad I had a chance to see them for a little bit.

I am doing a surprise birthday party for my husband in a couple of weeks. It is at our house and I am trying to do stuff without him noticing. lol So that will be a fun night. It is his 60th!

Tomorrow I go to see my surgeon and have my port taken out! I will be hurting for a couple of days. Then I hope for a long stretch of time with no procedures or pain or people poking and prodding at me!

Carrying on

This is a week that would have ordinarily been a chemo week. It feels so wonderful not to be going there for treatment. I am so thankful it is over and pray I will continue to stay healthy and not have to go through any more chemotherapy.

I still freak out at times when I think that I had TWO cancers at the same time. I can't explain the feelings, but fortunately they don't come that often.

My younger son and his finance picked a date for their wedding. Oct. 20, 2013! We already found a venue in Rhode Island that we all love. A very rustic conference center nestled in the woods among huge pine trees. The after party will be a big bon fire with S'mores!

It is not a fancy place, but beautiful in in own right as it is on the grounds of Lake Eisenhower. The dining room looks right out to the lake and the views are breathtaking. They have lodge right on the grounds and all who stay there get together in the morning for a free home cooked breakfast and continue the party!

The dining room and deck where there will be dancing is very nice and they have a beautiful living room where the older crowd can sit if the music is too loud. I think it will work out fine even though all my relatives will need to travel to RI!

I am going from chemo bells to wedding bells and I am so GRATEFUL!!

There was another curve ball thrown my way last week. I was getting all ready to return to work this week and found out that my job was eliminated. It was a shock to me, so much so that I spent the entire night with my body just shaking. I didn't even have that kind of reaction when I received my cancer diagnoses!

I have worked there 13 years and put a great deal of time, energy, and love into the job. If it was my choice not to go back, it would be one thing. But to be told that I was not needed anymore really hurt me to the core. BUT By the next day, I was no longer shaking and just had to process the feelings.

They said they might have some part-time hours for me, but so far I have not seen a new job description nor a contract. I am older and was very sick.
I guess not a good profile if you want to work.

There are a lot of complications about this situation and I will blog about it when it is all resolved!

For now I am enjoying every minute of everyday and looking so forward to the holidays and my hair growing back (did not lose it all, but lost enough where my head is cold!)

The work stuff will resolve itself one way or the other and I can't worry about it.

God closes a door and opens a window. Ah... It might just be a blessing in disguise and some fresh air!

Done. Finished. Ring the bell!!

On Wednesday I completed my 12 rounds of chemo and it was my turn to ring the end of chemo bell! I have a video but it will not upload. I will work on it!
In the picture above is me (in my Groucho Marx glasses, as it was Halloween after all) and my 87 year old mother.

All the staff lined up and clapped and cheered for me as I rang the bell. My oncologist, the director of the cancer center, all the lab people, and secretaries. It is a very emotional time.

My sister and my mom came to watch along with my husband and then we went out to lunch. Hurricane Sandy messed up plans for my son to come along as well as my other sister!

I am very emotional right now. So much to process and so much to make plans for. Going back to work in a couple of weeks to see how that goes. Going to check out wedding venues with my son and his fiance. Getting back to living LIFE with out having to check chemo schedules!


Oh Happy Day!!

Update

My husband and I at Cape Cod.

I am on round #10 of 12 chemo therapy. Two more to go! Can she do it? YES SHE CAN!

I can not wait to be done and if all goes according to schedule, I will be done on Oct. 31, Halloween!

I have so many mixed feelings. I have been at this for one and a half years now and in some ways I still have not wrapped my head around it. I try to stay positive, but there are times I feel so scared and feel it is impossible to fend off 2 cancers from coming back. I try to wipe out the fear and stay on the track of moving towards health!


I am watching too much TV being home everyday, but also reading loads of books. That makes up for the boob tube watching, but it still keeps me sedentary. I have to move more and I am working on it. Slowly, but surely!

I have discovered a new blog that I have become obsessed with:
momastery.com

The writing is real and raw and she has created a community of caring and giving people. It brings me such joy to read even though I end up crying most of the time. Take a visit there and let me know what you think about it!

Vacation at last

We are on the cape. When I went for my treatment last week, my blood counts were down and they would not treat me. I thought for sure vacation would be canceled because I would have to have treatment the next week. But after going back and forth with the nurse(who was emphatically in favor of our taking a vacation) and my oncologist who left the final decision up to me, we decided to come.

I know regular treatment is important, but I thought there was healing to be had with the sea and the sand and getting some peace away from it all. My son and his fiance came up for a couple of days and it was wonderful to have them here! All that love energy felt so good. I miss them so much now that they have left.

My photos are from my hubby.

Yearning

I forgot to mention that a couple of weeks ago we were able to get up to Vermont for a few days. We had a nice relaxing time. There is something about those hills and mountains that just give me a peaceful and restful feeling. It was a good get away for us.

We had to cancel our vacation at Cape Cod in July because I was in the hospital so we rescheduled it for September. Today I went to the oncologist for blood counts and they were low. If they are low on Tuesday they won't give me chemo and that will interfere with our plans to go away. I know my husband is chomping at the bit to get up to the cape. He finds so much inspiration there for his artwork and photography. So all we can do is wait and see what happens with the blood counts.

I am spending time doing a great deal of reading and trying to figure out what to do with my life after treatment. Do I just go back to the same old job and carry on? I am feeling called not to do so, but I am not getting a clear answer for where I should be instead. I thought three months would be a long enough time to figure out what I should do, but the weeks are flying by and I am getting almost anxious that a plan has not fallen into place.

I know going back will mean being back into the rat race of stress and competition and I am so not looking forward to it. I wonder if I can do it differently this time around, but in light of the nature of my job, I can't see how things can change. But I am not giving up as I know I will have to go back and make it work better for me this time. I am the only person I can change.

I am just feeling a deep yearning for something more in my life and I am not sure what that is just yet.

Update

Time goes so quickly and all of a sudden summer is just about over. School is starting this week in our town and soon the buses will be on the roads and the kids will be heading to back!

I am still on short term disability and not going to work. I am liking being home and being away from the stress of the office. I am doing a good deal of reading while home and trying to sit outside on the nice cooler days.

I am still missing so many days when I am dealing with side effects of the chemo and find myself just lay around on the couch waiting for the minutes and hours to pass. So when I feel good, I want to be up and around and outside as much as possible and just enjoy living!

Other than reading and trying to do some things around the house when I have good energy days, that is my life right now!

I have 4 more treatments to do and should be done by the middle of October!

Evie

When I was in the hospital I had a nurse's aide named Evie. She has been working at the hospital for 40 years. She was only a couple of years older than me, so she must have started working there when she was young.

Evie was a wonderful aide, even though she has been working there for so long, she was not burned out at all. She was loving and caring and made me feel so special. She took care of me like I was one of her relatives, not just a stranger/patient on her watch.

I know my story touched the staff with the 2 cancers to beat, then the gall bladder incident, and I sure looked like hell when I got there, all yellow. And it was my birthday and we had to cancel our vacation. I garnered lots of sympathy from everyone, but I sure didn't want anyone to pity me and I was in pretty good spirits while I was there. Everyone of the staff was great to me, but there was something special about Evie.

The day after my surgery things turned scary. My counts were way down and the doctors were very concerned that an infection was brewing. They ordered per-cautionary tests and I needed to have a blood transfusion.

After the doctors were done swarming all over me and scaring me ( I had 4 different departments on my case!) Evie came in. She had cleared her schedule to be with me. Even though I had been doing my self care on my own,she thought I needed a bit of TLC and came in and helped me freshen up and spent time with me because she knew it was going to be a hard couple of days for me and she didn't want me to be alone.

She would often come in my room and tell me that I was sweet and she loved me and wanted me to get well. It made me feel so cared for and I enjoyed her visits.

She bended over backwards for me, always double checking IV's and even the blood for the transfusions even though that was not her job. She would walk into my room and always adjust the temperature if she thought it needed it, I never had to ask.

When I had company she always offered them refreshments. She was one of a kind and I so enjoyed having her for an aide.

She said the hardest thing about her job was that people leave and she never finds out what happened to them. She had me promise to visit.

I visited her last week one day after chemo. It was great to see her and we hugged and hugged.

When the hospital called me for follow up after I got home they asked me lots of questions about the care I received and I made sure to mention Evie. The woman on the phone told me that Evie was "one of a kind" and always got great feedback from patients.

It is nice when you run into a real life angel, just when you need one!

Hello again

I have been mostly resting since I came home from the hospital at the beginning of July. I decided to apply for short term disability and not go back to work until my chemo is all done in October. The gall bladder surgery threw me for a loop and I had no energy to even think about going back to work.It has been a good decision and one I wish I had made earlier.

I recovered enough from the gall bladder surgery to resume chemo at the end of July. The round went very well. I think the gall bladder issue was brewing and it made my side effects from the chemo worse. I am on round # 7 this week (5 more to go) and I hope I can get through it as well as last time around.

In between the chemo weeks, I had to go back to the hospital last Thursday for an out- patient procedure to get my stent and gall stone taken out. I had the procedure the end of June and they could not get the stone out, so back I went.

They had a hard time getting it out again so this time they had to cut into my bile duct to push it out into my intestines and then it will come out with body waste. I was relieved they were able to get it out as I was a little nervous that they would not be able to and I would have to go through this again!

So that is one thing behind me! I am still in pain from the gall bladder surgery. They used the same incision that they used for my colon surgery in March and it was still a bit tender before the surgery, so I am thinking that is why I am still feeling sore.

People tell me I look great for all I have been through and for the most part, I feel like my old self.

Some happy news in our family is that our youngest son became engaged a couple of weeks ago and now we are looking forward to planning a wedding! We are all so excited! No exact date yet, but one will be forthcoming soon. I love having something to look forward to and get excited about!

They call me Mellow Yellow

This is still all unbelievable to me, but last week I ended up in the hospital. I was not rebounding after the last chemo but couldn't quite put symptoms together. By Thursday my skin was yellow and other symptoms full blown.

I ended up having a gall stone blocking my liver and gall bladder and on Friday needed to have a procedure done to remove the gall stone. The stone was too big and they could not get it out so they had to put in a stent so the bile could pass. And then they decided I needed to have my gall bladder out to prevent anymore gall stones.

Surgery was scheduled for Monday, July 2. My birthday was Sunday, July 1 and I had to spend it in the hospital on clear liquids. :-( My family all came and made the day really great though!

Complications hit after surgery. My blood counts dropped very low and I needed to have a blood transfusion.

There was lots of drama and I am too tired to try to write it all out, but bottom line, I came home today. I still have to go back to have the stent taken out in a couple of weeks.

This has really been a difficult week, but I am doing what I always do.... I follow directions, advocate for myself when I need to, and stay as upbeat as I can.

Gall bladder surgery is usually an easy surgery and most people do well. But having a gallbladder attack during the middle of a chemo cycle brings it to a whole other level.

I will write more when I am feeling better!

Some inspiration

I am hanging in there. Tomorrow I will be done with round#5! I am mostly just exhausted.

On Sunday I had my sons and their partners over for father's day for a barbecue and I made all of the food! Later in the day I had the rest of the family over for cake to celebrate my daughter in law's graduation for her masters degree. It was great to have my whole family over and have all that laughter and energy in the house. I over did it and was exhausted, but it felt good to me to be productive and to bring everyone together!

I thought I would post some pictures today from around my house of things that inspire me!

My hydrangea bush makes me happy!



Love our veggie gardens can't wait!


A favorite painting by my husband and garden flowers.


My sister gave me this orchid when I had my surgery in March and it is still going strong!

The God moments

This is a story that I want to remember from the day I had my surgery for the colon cancer. 

I woke up after the surgery in the recovery room and  I felt pretty good actually. I could not see much that was going on in the room, but I could hear the nurse talking to the woman in the bed next to me. The woman was complaining about wanting to get up to her room and the nurse was telling her that her blood pressure was not stabilized so they had to keep her there. 

The nurse came over to me and said that I was on auto pilot. I didn't really know what she meant, but I thought it was a good sign. She said she would be getting my family. And then my husband and my older son appeared at the end of the bed. I was so happy to see them. I took my arm from under the covers and put it up in the air and said to them, "I made it!" I was never so happy to see them as I was in that moment. I knew I had a long way to go to recover, but just seeing them gave me so much strength to carry on. 

The nurse told me that I was ready to leave recovery, but there was not a room available upstairs and I would have to wait a while so they would be bringing me to a holding room. I clearly remember my son and husband stepping out of the way as the nurses rolled my bed down the hall into a dark quiet room. My family followed me in. I was talking to my husband and asking him who he had called and we made chit chat, turned on the TV and waited in the dark small room for them to come and get me. 

Later in the afternoon, we all went up to the Pavilion and I got settled in my private room. All during my stay at the hospital I often thought about seeing my husband and son in the recovery room as it was an image that was comforting to me and made me smile. 

About one week later after I was back at home I asked my husband what it was like in the recovery room. How many people were in there as I could not see?  He told me it was just me. I said," no there was that lady next to me and then there was a wall, were there people on the other side?" He said, "No, You were the only one in the room." 

What the heck was he talking about? "Wait a minute," I said. "I know there was at least the one lady who was complaining and who was on the other side of me?" He stuck to his story. He kept telling me I was the only patient in the room. I did not understand!  So I said, well we were in two rooms. The recovery room with the bright lights and then the small dark holding room.  I am talking about about the recovery room. He said that they never were in the recovery room, he thought I was talking about the holding room! He said the small dark room with the TV was the first time they saw me!

I was FLABBERGASTED! So then I explained to him how I saw them in the recovery room standing at the end of my bed as clear as day it was were I greeted them. He swore they were not in there.  I knew he wasn't lying, but I still had to call my son first thing in the morning and ask him. 

No, they were not physically in the recovery room with me, but I saw them  there and spoke to them as clear as day and that is my story and I am sticking to it! 

Holy Water 

After I found out that the colon cancer spread I started to visualize myself diving into a pool of holy water. I went right to my Catholic upbringing for some comfort thinking that I needed more than a cross of holy water on my forehead to heal a second cancer. Off and on during the day, I would think about diving in and becoming healed. 

A couple of weeks later I went to my father's birthday mass the week after Easter. At one point the priest was walking down the aisle throwing Holy Water. Although I was on the far end, some of the water got me on my forehead. I thought, "Gee what were the chances of that happening when I was so far away/" Then I realized a lay minister was walking on my side now with the Holy Water and she got my back all wet. I felt that water hit me and immediately remembered how I had been visualizing diving into the Holy Water. I knew this was a close as I would get to diving in. I loved every second of that feeling.

This and that

I had a great weekend planned again. Friday night my husband had an art opening in a new funky coffee house. There was a  ribbon cutting, entertainment, and the showing of my husband's seascapes. We had a  nice time. It is always interesting to watch the women come up to my husband and get all giddy, "Oh, are you the artist?" It is a new thing to have him getting this kind of attention, but I am getting used to it. And he has his own radio show now as well and is getting friendly with some well known recording artists. That has been fun.

On Saturday I went to a bridal shower that I didn't think I would be able to go to originally because it should have been a treatment week. I had a really nice time with my friends

Sunday I was planning to go the Butterfly Museum up in MA. They have butterflies of all kinds flying around in an indoor conservatory. I haven't been there for a long time and I was so looking forward to it. And I wanted to put up some nice pictures to liven up this blog! But of all things, I pulled a muscle and was in so much pain on Sunday and I could not go. I was so mad. It was the day before round#4 of my chemo and I wanted to have fun. Instead I was stuck in the  house all day. 

Fortunately, my back was better today, so I had my treatment. It is rainy and cool today and when I walked out into the parking lot, my hands started immediately reacting to the cool weather. My lips started to burn and I had trouble with my voice. All from the cold air. It was only in the 60's today! I started to panic a little on the drive home when I started to have trouble speaking, but I worked on calming myself down and I called the oncology department to check in with them as soon as I got home.  By the time they called back, I was better but she told me it was the cold air and to stay warm. 

So I am very grateful I am going through this treatment during the spring and summer and should be done by sometime in the fall. Finding a blessing in a bad situation is helpful! 

I had some good news on Friday.  I had to go for a procedure and it was thought I would be needing surgery. During the procedure my surgeon said there was nothing bad she saw, nothing that required surgery, just an irritation like a rug burn and it should heal on it's own. YES! Best news I heard in a long time!

I thank you all who are hanging in with me. I really have come to love you all and  I have a hope that someday I can meet some of you in person.

Bittersweet

Today was my last treatment for the breast cancer. One year of treatment for her-2- positive aggressive form of breast cancer. I had been planning for this day for a long time. I had envisioned that my family would be by my side and once they took the I.V. off of me  we would celebrate with a cake for everyone in the treatment room. I would ring the bell smiling at my kids, my husband, my mom and sisters and my two best friends. We would all be crying with happiness. And then I would hug and kiss all the oncology staff and I would leave the treatment room with my family and friends and we would all go out to dinner. And I would be DONE!

It was not how I planned it. Instead I had my last treatment for the breast cancer tagged on to my third round of chemotherapy for the colon cancer. It all felt so anti-climatic so I didn't have anyone come to celebrate. The oncologist asked me if I wanted to ring the bell, but I didn't have the heart to do it today. We decided to wait until treatment was done for the colon cancer. 

I was feeling very sad today because I had to give up a dream that I had been holding onto for this last year. I still get waves of disbelief that I am now battling another cancer. 

Do not get me wrong, I am grateful that treatment for the breast cancer is done. Grateful and pleased and happy. But it is bittersweet no matter how I look at it.

A great weekend

                               Finale - Caroline Doctorow (on guitar) and the Steamrollers and Grayson Hugh (on        piano)

                                                      Humorist Loretta LaRoche

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. I went back to work after my last round and walked into a very stressful situation. It really didn't have anything to do with me as my job responsibilities have changed since my illness, but I ended up in the middle of it with people wanting and needing my help as they were used to working with me.

For the most part it didn't have to be as stressful as I made it out to be, but it was a lot to have to handle coming back off of chemo and feeling drained with a host of side effects. I also came down with a UTI and another side effect that landed me at the doctor's office. In short, I was a mess that week. But did I even realize how much of a mess I was? NO! I completely over did it at work, then insisted on going out that Friday night when I should have gone straight to bed when I got home from work. 

So long story short, I had a relapse on Sat. ended up in the walk-in and they doubled and extended my medication, and were quite worried about me. I needed to go home and rest. It put a damper on Mother's Day, as I was going to have my mom and my sisters along with my kids over at my house.  I canceled that get together and just my kids came down later in the afternoon after I had napped all day.

Last Monday was treatment day again and my oncologist decided not to treat me due to the infection and the other side effects that were going strong. I was relieved. I felt so weak and wondered how in the world I could handle another round when I had not recovered from the last one. So I took 3 whole days off from work and just relaxed and nursed myself back to health. I was scared that I had done this to myself and I thought back to how I should have spoken up and not taken on so much. 

So the upside is that I had an extra week off from chemo and it was wonderful! I was drinking and eating all the cold food I wanted to and enjoyed it immensely! By the time this weekend rolled around, I felt pretty good. 

We kicked off the weekend at the beach Friday night and watched the sun set after a delicious sea food dinner! Saturday I did some  errands and we went out late for our anniversary dinner. 37 Years on Thursday. (treatment will prevent celebrating much this weekend so we did it early!) 

On Sunday I went to a cancer survivor event in at a hospital in aother town. They were having humorist Loretta LoRoche. I saw her many years ago at during a staff day at work. I loved her. She is so very funny and talks about surviving life and finding the "bless in the mess" when life get tough. My husband came with me and we had a really nice time laughing all afternoon. 

After her performance we had an opportunity to try Harmonic Sound Healing. We laid down on lawn chairs outside with gongs in front of us and in back of us while we relaxed, the practitioners hit the gongs and come around with chime bowls. The sound vibrations are supposed to heal you on a cellular level and help you to unblock everyday trauma. I find it very hard to relax, so as I sat there I could feel my heart beating a little fast. so I just worked on staying calm and praying. It was something we never did before and it was interesting. And I am looking for as many healing modalities as I can comfortably partake in. 

Later that night we drove about 50 miles to our favorite concert hall for a concert. We had another nice dinner out as there is a great restaurant next to the venue. Out to eat 3 nights in a row! Hey, we deserve to celebrate our anniversary! 

We enjoyed the show very much and decided it was a great day. Laughing, Vibrational healing, music, good food, togetherness and lots of singing in the car on the way up there which was actually my favorite part!

Back at the hospital this morning to start round # 3. My cup runs over with inspiration from the weekend that will carry me through the week!

Friday

It has been a long treatment week. I have been in a chemo haze for a couple of days and looking anxiously to snap out of it. I thought I would be  much better today, but not really. The weather has been damp and dreary this week which has not helped. I have trouble occupying myself. The haze distracts me from reading or doing anything that takes some concentration and feeling so weak prohibits doing anything  around the house. I have literately spent hours sitting in my recliner or lying on my bed on and off the i pad, staring into space, or sleeping. Wish I could have slept more because I like the escape it brings me. 

I think about the day wasted, the many days wasted from the past in a chemo haze and yet more to come. 

Then I remind myself that I am  grateful for any day that I am breathing, so I try to have more patience and compassion with myself. I don't want to wish time away, but if I could blink and make all of this be over I would.

It seems so many people are making some cash off of their cancer. I am reading blogs that have turned into books or magazine articles or people becoming cancer coaches and I wonder if there is a piece of the pie for me. At the very least I should be able to make some money off of this experience! LOL The hospital and doctors and pharmaceutical companies are sure making a lot of money off of me!

I spoke with my therapist on the phone today. I am too weak to drive there so we set up phone calls.I was feeling so stressed out like I wanted to just quit this treatment and stop being a trooper and stop being so strong. I just cried it all out. After I shared all the feelings with her I noticed that I felt better. She didn't judge me and reminded me not to judge myself when I am feeling sorry for myself. She reminded me how it is impossible to ignore the discomfort when we aren't feeling well and how important it is to baby myself and be compassionate to myself with no judging. I know these things, but I forget them so easily. 

When I got off of the phone, I felt like a kid in a way. Free. Free of all those feelings that were weighing me down on top of the chemotherapy. I opened the window and noticed that the sun had come out a little bit and the fresh air smelled so good coming into my bedroom. Just the presence of the sunshine and the air lifted my spirits!

Hoping for some sun and getting out of the house tomorrow!

Another round

                                                                        Treatment room

Time goes by quickly and I am already on day 3 of  round #2.

The side effects last time were what I expected. Lots of G.I. issues, some nausea, burning tongue, metal taste in my mouth, and other stuff. I needed to spend one whole day in bed  on Thursday and then started to perk up later that evening. By Sunday I was feeling good and energy back so I decided to go back to work on Monday after being out for a month.

Going back to work was a good thing. It felt good to get my mind occupied with other things other than my medical issues! I saw how some things fell through the cracks when I was gone even though a pool of people were covering for me. I felt needed! 

I decided that I can only work every other week and we worked out my leave so that will be possible. We will see how it goes. I know I have to put my health first and as long as I can avoid the stressful assignments, I will be OK. And I know people are going out of their way to make sure I am not getting stressed. The support is awesome.

I didn't have the cold sensitivity side effect last round, but it sure kicked up for this round. I have to be so careful and it is hard. It is kind of damp outside so touching dishes, silverware, or even the kitchen counters is cause for concern. I turned the heat up to keep the house warmer, but does not seem to help much. So I am using plastic utensils and making the best of it! The sensation is alarming. Fingertips burn and feel like I have had an electrical shock that lasts for a few minutes. Seems like a long time when it is happening. 

On the up side, I  can  shower on my own because my husband but a nice strong hook up to hold the pump while I am in the shower and put in a hand held shower. I even was able to wash my hair keeping the port and pump dry!  So we have learned to adapt! 

I have nothing much else to share as my life revolves around my treatments lately, but I am hoping now that I will settle into the routine and start to enjoy the days more. 

Round one

I was considering last week to be my last week of "normal" before I started my treatments for colon cancer. I tried to enjoy every day and make it special. I went to museums, out to lunch, shopping, and visited friends.I stopped by my office and even made it to a going away party for a colleague. It was great to see everyone! 

Sunday we had a mass for my dad and my uncle and then the whole family went out for lunch. It was crowded in the restaurant, but they had a patio and since it was a beautiful day, we all sat outside and enjoyed a marvelous lunch. 

Last year around this time we had the mass for them as well. It was right after my diagnosis of the breast cancer and it was the first time I saw my aunts and cousins. And as fate would have it again, Sunday was the first time I saw them all since diagnosis number II. No one really knows what to say and so no one said anything until we said good-bye and everyone wished me luck with big hugs and kisses. 

Monday I reported to the hospital for my treatment. The day had finally arrived and I had not slept a wink the two nights before. Even though I have been through chemo before the anxiety of not knowing what to expect from all the new drugs was just too much to bear.

I am on a regimen called FOLFOX which is standard treatment for stage III colon cancer. I am getting 4 different medications. Monday and Tuesday I go into the hospital for IV drips of medication and an IV push. Then they send me home with more chemotherapy in a pump that I have to wear for 22 hours. The pump has a slower drip so that the cells are exposed longer to the chemo. 

I did not like the idea of being sent home with chemotherapy, but people do it all of the time. I have a toll-free number to call if the  pump malfunctions. I have bio-hazard bags in case there is a spill (which the nurse said has never happened, much to my relief!) It is cumbersome and annoying and it is tricky to shower without getting it wet, so I needed to have a hand held shower.

One of the side effects to one of the meds is a cold sensitivity, because the medication effects the nerve endings. This means I cannot drink cold drinks or  have cold food nor touch cold objects. I need to wear gloves to take things out of the refrigerator.  Some people don't get the sensitivity, some have it only a few days and some have it the whole time. I have been very careful so I don't really know if I have it or not. 

If you drink something cold, you feel like your throat is constricting and you feel like you can't breathe. So I am only drinking room temperature liquids because I don't want to find out what that feels like at all!!! I wash my hands in warm water and I wear gloves when I open the refrigerator, so far I have not felt anything because I am taking all precautions.

Today is day 3 and my pump should be done by noon. Then I head over to the hospital and they take off the pump and de-access my port and round 1 will be done leaving 11 more to go. 

Then I wait and see what other side effects might come over me. 

I am supposed to go back to work on Monday and I have no idea what to do. I have to say that being home for one month makes it hard to want to go back even though most of the time I was home I was recuperating.  But I just have to wait and see how I feel by Monday and then make a decision. I can extend my family leave time if I need to. 

So up ward and onward!

Good energy

With all of the medical appointments I have been going to, I never made it for my post-chemo dental appointment. Some of you may know that when you are having chemotherapy you are not allowed to have dental work done due to the risk of infection. So I realized I needed to get in to see the dentist for not only my post chemo appointment, but also a pre-chemo appointment before the new rounds begin.

My dentist's office was really good and squeezed me into a cancellation the very next day. I was seeing a different hygienist, but that was fine as long as they could take me. So I had to update her on my medical history. Anytime I tell the story of still being in treatment for breast cancer and going in soon for colon cancer treatments, people just stop in their tracks and look at me. They don't know what to say after,"I am so sorry." There is nothing to say so I just try to move the conversation along. So Alison and I got along well chit chatting in-between rinses like you do when you are getting your teeth cleaned.

When we were all done she called the dentist to come in and check my teeth. The dentist comes into the room in a great mood and says, "So what is the good news in here?" The dental hygienist and I look at each other. I say laughingly, "Well, there is NO good news in here." The hygienist quickly tells the dentist I am there for a pre-chemo cleaning and I interjected the rest of the story.

The dentist's smiling face quickly turns to a look of concern and then she addresses me. She said, " I could hear you two laughing and talking during the appointment. I could feel such good energy. And I come in and find out what you are dealing with. I can't believe it. Usually I walk in to see a patient and sense negative energy and all they do is complain and it is all about nothing. You are amazing and I am sure your attitude will help you get through this." 

Little did I know she was over hearing us during the hour appointment and it made me feel good that she sensed good energy from me. I know I will only make it easier on myself if I stay as upbeat as I can, but it isn't easy. And I still allow for time to be sad and mad and wanting to get God on the phone right this minute!! The praying and meditating is taking too long to give me the answers I want! 

So I take in her compliment and allow it to make me feel good, really good. Every little thing that makes me feel good matters to me in a big way now.

So the two of them were standing there as I was getting up to leave. They didn't  quite know what to say, but I did. I said, "One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, chin up and all that jazz." 

I know my cliches!

It's not fair

I had a week to have it sink in that I needed chemotherapy again before I sat down with my oncologist. It was hard at first to take it in especially because there was such a good chance that all I needed would be the surgery to remove the tumor. I believed I would be OK and I had hundreds of people praying for me. 

So I moped around some at home and stayed as up beat as I could with friends and family. I have been through chemo before, I did pretty well, I know what to expect, I should be able to do this. I hoped that the number of rounds might be even less for this time around. I was the master of self positive talk all week.

Everything I hoped and prayed for went out the window during this appointment. First they called and said he wanted me to come at a different time so he could spend a longer time with me. Red flag. I cringed a little when the receptionist said that to me. Longer time? Why? I just want to know how many rounds, it should not take that long. Oh, dear.. I am going to get a curve ball. I can feel it.

So he comes in and tells me that I will need chemo. He didn't realize the surgeon told me already. He asked lots of questions about family history. There is no history of colon cancer in my family. I am the first one.  They want to do genetic testing. At first I cringe thinking more tests for me. But all they do is test the tumor.

The oncologist proceeds to tell me that I have stage III colon cancer (not early stage as the G.I. doctor thought.) I am going to need 12 cycles of chemo, every 2 weeks, for 6 months. Gulp. The side effects of the chemotherapy are a lot more intense than I had with the other chemotherapy. (Twice as many rounds as I had with the chemo for the breast cancer.)  I will need 3 days in the row to go into the hospital and have infusions then wear a pump at home over night for 2 nights.

He would give me the information a bit at a time, very slowly and calculated looking straight into my eyes. I sat up straighter and did not flinch. I saw no reason to say anything. In these situations there is nothing to be said. I could not wheel and deal my way out of it, I was backed up into a corner and the only way out is to submit. "I understand I have to suck this up," I said.  He looked at me and said, "It isn't fair. I hated coming in here to tell you this news. Usually it is the patient who says it isn't fair, and here I am telling you it isn't fair."

I don't think it is fair either, but stating it doesn't change a thing.

A year later

It has been one year since I was diagnosed with her 2 positive breast cancer. I have had 6 rounds of chemotherapy, 33 sessions of radiation,  taking a hormone pill,  and have been on Herceptin an I.V. drug almost one year. The last dose should be the end of May. I have been through a lot and I would like to say that although it wasn't easy, it was easier than I thought it would be. I lucked out in some ways as far as not experiencing some of the more intense side effects. 

Now a year later, here I sit one week after surgery for a cancerous tumor in my colon. The tumor was removed, my colon reattached and my lymph nodes biopsied. They found out that I have 2 positive lymph nodes and will require more chemo therapy. I had no idea how many lymph nodes there are. My doctor said there are hundreds of them and to only have 2 positive puts it into perspective, but because the cancer traveled into my nodes at all, means they will have to treat it aggressively. 

I see my oncologist on Friday to find out what the treatment plan will entail. I have no idea if he will also recommend radiation and I have no idea how many rounds of chemo. They did tell me however, that the chemo they use for colon cancer does not  make you lose your hair. I found that to be a comfort, since I just got my hair BACK! I don't know what other side effects I will need to deal with and I am waiting to have the appointment to learn what is in store for me.

I know that everyone feels badly for me. It was not the news that I wanted to hear and the surgeon told me when I was getting ready to leave the hospital last Friday. When she walked in and said, "We have to talk," my heart sank. 

 I learned a great deal about myself last year. I am stronger than I think I am and I have a very supportive circle of family and friends who are standing by my side once again. I can do this. I did it once and I can do it again. I will keep working all the angles; art therapy, counseling, massage, all the things that helped me to cope last year and hopefully I will get through it again and it will the last time! 

A room with a view

I am blogging from my hospital room. Surgery went very well on Monday. My sister gave me a St. Joseph medal in honor of St. Joseph's day on Monday and they let me pin it on my pillow during surgery.

The surgeon said she got all of the tumor and was able to get good margins, too. We are waiting for the pathology report.

My stay in the hospital has been very good, everyone is so kind and efficient and it makes it so much easier to be here. I have a private room because all of the rooms here are private and I have a big window with a great view of the sky and the clouds. very uplifting to see everyday.

I have been doing very well with my recovery. I am up and walking when ever I can and the pain is getting better every day.

I have graduated to clear liquids and am waiting for my tray today. First time I am getting a tray since I have been here. Ice chips were getting old!

Saturday update

 Thank you all for your kind words of support! I so appreciate that you all checked in with me.

I took my leave of absence from work.  Last Friday was my last day for about one month.  I decided to take the week off before my surgery because I so needed some time to myself. It has been way too much this past year.  My co-workers were so sweet and gave me a gift certificate to a local musical theater for a send off gift. It will be a great thing to do when I am feeling better!  People were coming up to me with all kinds of supportive and loving remarks with intentions to pray for me. It was so comforting and I felt so lucky to have so many caring people around me. 

I tried to take some time for myself this week as well as run around to all the doctor appointments I had to keep. I had a massage, Reiki last week, meditated, art therapy, went to a new workshop on SoulCollage (will write more on that later) went to lunch with my husband, shopped with my sister, and napped when ever I could. Tried to get a head of the housework, but gave that up. 

On Monday, March 19, I will be having laprascopic surgery. I am going in around 9:00 A.M. hopefully surgery will be around 10:00 A.M. They will remove the tumor and reattach my colon. I have spoken to 3 people who have had this surgery and they all have done fine. Very encouraging!  I will be in the hospital anywhere from 3- 6 days and recovery time should be 2-3 weeks.

The tumor will go to pathology and we will await the report for the stage. The G.I. doctor said early stage, but there is no mention of the staging on the report. I am most anxious about getting that report to know what the treatment plan will be. I know... one day at a time... that is all I can do ... all I have been doing.

I have been working through my feelings not burying them. I go from sad, mad, scared, and then manage to go about my day and be as happy as possible. Then at some point, it starts all over again.  I ride the waves like I did last time. One foot in front of the other with faith and support is the only way to go forward. 

I had my first mammogram since last year on Thursday. I had 3 dreams that it would be fine and it was. It was nice to have someone come in and give me good news and hug me. I want more good news. 

And so it is.

Deja vu

A couple of weeks ago I was able to go into work without my wig and show off my own newly grown  hair. Some people call it chemo hair, but I don't like that term.  My hair now is kind of curly in the back and very thick and soft on the top.  All of the women at work were so happy to see me with my own hair. They hugged me and some cried because it meant that I was on the upswing, I was getting closer to being well. So many wanted to touch my hair as it just looked so soft.  One friend hugged me and said that she knew only good things would be in store for me now. I was on my way to wellness.

When she said that, I felt anxiety creep up and down my back. I knew I was bleeding and that all my doctors were on high alert and the colonoscopy was scheduled. I wanted to believe what my friend was saying was true, but deep down I think I knew that this was not the end of the road for me and cancer. 

When the doctor called me and told me I had colon cancer, I just wrote it down matter of fact. After the colonoscopy the doctor asked me if I wanted to be called or come in for the news of the biopsy report. I wanted him to call, I wanted the news the fastest way possible. I have been through this before, I knew what it was like.

I didn't even call my husband to come up stairs to be a part of the phone conversation. The doctor called on my cell and my husband never heard the phone ring. 

A few minutes later I was in the bathroom and I hear my husband come up the stairs. I matter of fact shouted out, "colon cancer." "WHAT??" he says. Then I realized how cruel that was. I quickly went to him and told him the doctor had called and what he said. My husband was devastated. He began to hug me so tight that it hurt my scars and my port and I had to tell him  it was too painful. But I wanted to hang on for dear life at the same time.

I knew from my symptoms that something was terribly wrong and expected the bad news. I hoped for good news, but wasn't surprised when it wasn't good.

So the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I could almost post all my blog posts from last year over again, because so much is the same. I am sad, mad, and so scared. I am not even done with the treatment for breast cancer and have my very first mammogram post surgery next week!

I have had people from every faith praying for me. I have done all I could do to heal myself with integrative therapies and what I get is MORE cancer?  It has shaken the foundation of so many of the things I believe in. 

I am still going to be who I am and still do the things I have done because it did make sense to me then, even if I am doubting now.

It is a hard time for me and I have to suck it up and put one foot in front of the other and continue on with this journey. I hope that I can learn the lessons I am supposed to learn so that I can heal this sorrow and this disease that has made a second appearance in my life.

I thank you all for your continued support and prayers and hanging in here with me.

P.S. And my husband is warning people that if they tell me I am an inspiration to them that I will punch them in the face.  It is good advice!

Results are in

I got the call today from my doctor. I have early stage colon cancer. I am being referred to my surgeon for laproscopic surgery. He said he feels I should have a favorable outcome.

Bumpy times

Things have been pretty bumpy for the past few weeks and I find myself in yet another health crisis. I was sent for a colonoscopy this week due to some alarming symptoms. It was discovered that I have a 2 inch polyp that they could not remove during the procedure because it was so high up and in the back part of my colon. I will now need to have surgery as soon as possible. All of this while still undergoing treatment for breast cancer. I am waiting for the biopsy to come back and should know the results next week.Then the surgery will have to be coordinated around the breast cancer treatments. 

It will be a year at the end of March when I was diagnosed with the breast cancer. I was feeling on an upswing from all of the treatment and ignored the warning signs that something else was going on. I was hoping the symptoms would just go away. I couldn't deal. But finally I couldn't ignore the warning signs anymore and made the appointments.

Now I am back at taking it one step at a time, trying to go deep and find the energy to gear up for another surgery in the very near future. I am praying the surgery is all I need to take care of this problem. Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers. 

Hair today

I had a great weekend. My son and his girl came down from Rhode Island for an over night so we invited my older son and his wife to come over and we all had dinner together on Friday night. I just love being with the kids and to have them all together. It feels like old times and new times, too. I love the women that my sons have chosen and how well everyone gets along.

On Sunday morning I went along with my husband to do the church run with his mom. Because I was in the car this week, my MIL was all sweetsie to my husband. So that was a good thing. We dropped her off and then decided to go out for brunch and do some shopping at Whole Foods while we had time to kill. It worked out perfectly. Next weekend his brother is coming to take his turn.

I went today to get my first post-chemo haircut! My hair has come back more thick on top than it used to be. I wasn't sure if I even had enough hair to cut, but my kids said that I did. And I sure enough did as the hairdresser took off about an inch in the back where it was all scraggley, and just trimmed the top a little bit. She even used the curling iron even though she didn't get much hair around it.

I am thinking I MIGHT ditch the wig tomorrow and unveil the new do. I am feeling uplifted by a simple haircut, but when you haven't had hair it means so much!

Sunday - Sunday

I certainly agree with folks on here who say how hard it is for my MIL to give up driving. OMG, I can't imagine if it were me, but someday it will be me. It is another one of those milestones that everyone dreads and it makes life much more difficult for all involved.  I do feel badly for her. But she has had 3 accidents in the past few years, the last one being the worst and involving crashing into an on-coming car because of an illegal left hand turn. It was her wake up call and she needs to heed it.

Today my husband went to pick her up for church. Church is the hardest place to get her to. She goes to a church three towns away from where she lives and we live four towns away in the  opposite direction. My husband had an 80 mile round trip to take her to church.When he arrived there she came out of the house in an angry fury. She got into the car and proceed to yell at him all the way to the church criticizing his driving and insisting on taking the route she is accustomed to. My husband found that the route she has been taking went through a very dangerous high crime part of the city! HE was uncomfortable driving through it and was aghast that she had been driving that route alone.

He dropped her off at church and then she was getting ride with a friend to go to lunch where he would pick her up at 1:30 P.M. Because he had time to kill, he met me at my mom's house and we all had some lunch together. 

After my husband left to go pick up his mom, I had stayed and visited my mom for awhile. When I left her apartment and as I was walking down the hall, I got  choked up. I wanted things to be different. I wanted my dad alive, my parents living back at the house and our Sunday dinners.  I wanted my FIL alive and MIL able to drive. In the moment, I hated all of the changes that have been going on. I started to cry and then realized my mom would be standing at the window waving to me was I walked down to the parking lot. It breaks my heart every time I leave and see her standing at the window.

I could not let her see me cry (she is so worried about my health, she would think there was something I wasn't telling her) so I just put a smile on my face and waved to her as I walked by.  

Heart to Heart

It had been a few weeks since my husband  visited his 90 year old mother since she told him to "butt out" of her life. It was very hard for both of us to back off, but he felt he needed some space from her as he was feeling so upset and hurt about how she had been treating him. They were e-mailing a little bit and talked on the phone once, but the incident was never discussed. 

I aslo spent a great deal of time on the internet looking for more information about the subject with hopes that I would find a magical solution to the problem. 

I discovered a book called Elder Rage -How to Survive Caring For Aging Parents by Jacqueline Marcell. It was a riveting true story that I could not put down. I would read parts of it out loud to my husband and he couldn't wait for me to finish reading it so he could start it. It made us feel not so alone with our concerns (which do go beyond just the driving issue) and gave us some good  insight and resources. We were feeling more ready for a face to face with her.

One sibling lives only a couple hours away so he agreed to come down so we could all get together and try to talk to her once again to make her realize the consequences of her behaviors.

We planned how we would approach the subject with just plain love and support and no matter what she said we would not let her push any of our  buttons or say anything to her that would be taken as combative. We would stress how this is a time for our family to be connected not torn apart since it has been so hard the past few months since her husband passed away and my cancer treatment.

She was very happy to see us. I know she is very concerned about my health and immediately she wanted to know how my treatments were going and how I was. The night before my husband and I  had discussed that it seemed like she was two different women.  One the kind and caring mom and the other independent woman who would run over anyone who threatened her independence.

We told her if she didn't believe us about the legal issues than she needed to call her lawyer and find out for herself. She said she was going to. 

She excused herself for awhile and there the three of us sat feeling like this had gone better than we ever imagined. I was proud of the my husband and BIL. They did a great job.

In a little while she came back into the room and suggested that we all go out to get some Chinese food. I imagined all kinds of endings to the situation and none of them involved going out to eat! So we did and we had a great dinner and a very pleasant time.

We are making baby steps. She still has a car and could still drive if she felt like it. So we are taking it slow, hoping everything is sinking in and that we can have a weekly schedule for her using the town mini- bus as well as driving her ourselves. 

Update

Last week I went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health as far as my infection goes. After 2 weeks of some strong antibiotics taken 4x a day my radiation scars and infection sores are looking good and the culture was negative! I felt so relieved. It was nice to have good news, great to see how good my skin was looking, and happy that I didn't have to take more rounds of medicine.

I have been going to the radiation department every week since Dec. 7, my last treatment, to have the wound checked and now I am officailly discharged. I asked about going back to swimming at the physical therapy pool, but the doc said to wait a couple of weeks before I do that. Scar is still a bit pink and the chlorine so strong. I think I may even wait a bit beyond the two weeks to be sure.

My hair is coming in thick on the top of my head and wispy,long, and curly in the back. I stopped by to say hello to my hairdresser last week. She came over and hugged me and said that it had been so long which had made me cry. I think I will go in to see her in a couple of weeks and see if she can give this new growth some kind of style. It is now sticking out from under the wig so I think the back needs a trim.

The MIL continues to drive. We are planning a sit down with her this week. I hope it will make things better and I will concentrate on that thought.

Baby u can't drive your car

2011 ended in a family crisis that is going to be the focus of our new year. My  90 year old MIL who was in a serious accident this summer has refused to listen to not only her doctor's recommendation that she no longer drive, but has also ignored the report of an independent driving evaluation which  also recommended she not drive.  She is determined to "take back her independence" with such fire that she went out and bought herself a new car without telling any of her children. 

We believe that the doctor is legally responsible to report her to motor vesicles, but many doctors do not want to be the one to do so preferring to leave it up to the family to reason with their loved one. There is no reasoning with her. At this point she believes her children have "poisoned the minds" of her doctor and the driving evaluators.

Because she is so angry with her children, she has forbidden her doctor to communicate with them about any health issues.(The driving situation falls into this category). Due to privacy laws the doctor must comply and all communications have ceased between the adult children and her doctor. We have no idea what action he has taken if any.

She has told  us to butt out of her life. This coming from a woman who needed my husband to move into the house on at least two occasions to take care of her when she has come down with illnesses, and was her caregiver when she was in rehab for one month following her accident. 

I find dealing with elder issues so much more difficult than it ever was raising teens. Our hands are tied right now. We are scared out of our minds for her safety and for the safely of the public at large. This situation is causing us undue stress and heartache and it is the last thing we need considering all that we are coping with with my cancer treatments.