Good-bye 2010

Next year will bring whatever next year brings, but what you bring TO it will make all the difference. Marianne Williamson

Another New Year's Eve. We are staying in tonight after a taking a ride down to the shoreline this afternoon and then stopping for lunch at our favorite seafood place. We do that often. We stop by our favorite beach and take more photos and I wonder how many pictures of the same beach we can possibly take. But we do. Something about the sea and the sand that brings a peacefully feeling to our day.

I think about 2010 as I am reading blogs by people who are reflecting on their life from this year. The things they have done and the places they have been. I can't think of any stand out experiences from this particular year. Nothing big to cross of my bucket list. Some little things,which I guess is better than nothing at all. Needless to say, there are many things which I am grateful for and I try to count my blessings often.

I am standing in the shadows of my husband lately, as he pursues his art and his own radio show. Retirement sure agrees with him and although I am proud of his achievements, I think I am feeling a bit envious and wanting something special for myself. I keep thinking it is right around the bend, but maybe I am waiting to run into it instead of going after it.

I don't make New Year's Resolutions, mainly because I know damn well I won't keep them. Hardly anyone does. I have been trying lately to change my thinking and become more mindful of the negative messages I tell myself. I listen to positive affirmations CD's in my car and I am stunned by how negative the tapes in my head are. Why did it take so many years to become aware?

But aware I have become and I do find it fascinating in a strange way to be examining my thinking and to believe that if I can change how I think I can change my life.

2011- I am waiting for you.

Holiday weekend

Christmas 2010 was great. We spent 3 days in a row with family. Thursday night with my sister and brother-in-law who had us all over for pizza so we could visit with their daughter and her husband to be with their very first grandchild. She is the first great-grandchild for my mother. It was so fun having a little one on Christmas! She is only 8 months old now, but she was bright eyed and loving all of the attention and enjoying opening her gifts. Something about having a baby around that makes every occasion that much more enjoyable!

Christmas Eve we visited my other sister's home and my mom made mussels and baked shrimp. I don't care for mussels, but I did enjoy the shrimp immensely. I brought over some chicken caccitore for those allergic to shell fish. It is my grandmother's recipe and I haven't made it for awhile, and oh, it was so very good if I do say so myself!

On Saturday, Christmas Day I was expecting 14 relatives. We had invited my side of the family and my husband's side. My 85 year old Italian mother insisted on making her lasagna because, "it isn't Christmas without Lasagna." I did not argue, but still decided to make a Smithfield ham as well. Everything was delicious!

We had my father in law here who was recently placed in facility for those with memory impairments. Although he does not know us individually, he knows he is with his family. It took a great deal of work to have him here, and my brother in law and my husband took charge of him to make it work. It was touching to see how caring and attentive they are to their dad, who admits he does not really remember them.

Last year we buried my dad 4 days before Christmas, it was a hard time. This year we have 2 new people added to our family. The first great grandchild and my younger son's new girlfriend. My son has been dating V. for a while now and it seems to be a serious relationship. I was thinking how one year ago, neither the baby nor the girlfriend were around. They never knew my dad. But their presence this Christmas meant so much to me. They reminded me that life goes on, that the family keeps growing, more people come into the fold that bring love and joy, even though you miss those who have passed.

It was a very busy three days, a great deal in one weekend, but it was all good! I actually enjoyed the snow storm the day after Christmas. I just relaxed and watched movies and put away the Christmas decorations. It was a lazy and cozy day following a weekend of holiday cheer.

Good will gone wrong

One more story about gift donations.

There was another organization that we worked with over the years that also adopted families during the holiday season. I would get the list of gifts and sizes from the families and pass them on to this organization. They would shop (or we assumed they shopped...more on that later) and then bring all the gifts to their annual Christmas party and wrap them all up. They would deliver to us and we would deliver to the family.

It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was running around town delivering gifts to all of our clients. It was a very cold day and it had snowed the day before. I was going to homes that had not been shoveled out yet, and I had no boots. My feet were getting soaked.

It was also the day of our annual Christmas Luncheon. So after I ran around town all morning playing Santa, I went to lunch with my office. After our lunch we were let out early due to the holiday. But one of our gift donors had to go to a funeral and had not delivered gifts for the last family I had on my list. I had no choice but to sit in an empty office and wait all afternoon for her to arrive.

Now the family that was to be receiving these gifts was a single mom with a very sad story. Her husband had passed away on her wedding anniversary. Her toddler son went to wake up his daddy that morning and he found him dead in his bed. He had died of a brain hemorrhage during the night. Now it was her first Christmas since her husband passed away and I knew it was going to be a difficult one for her. So I was glad we were able to help her make it a special Christmas for her son.

Finally the gifts arrived and mom was soon at my office to pick them up. I was free to go home!

As soon as I got home, I drew a hot bath and soaked in it for a long time. I was thinking about how stressful it was for us at my office because not only do we have to make sure our own families are taken care of at Christmas, but also our clients and their families. I was tired, but I was feeling good that all my clients would have plenty of gifts for their children and a good meal. I breathed a sigh of relief and started to relax and put the day behind me.

I usually took the day after Christmas off from work, but this particular year I decided to go in. I wasn't at work too long when the phone rang. It was the single mom I wrote about above. I knew this wasn't going to be a good call by how upset she sounded. She told me that the gifts she received were old and the toys were broken and had pieces missing and then she sobbed and sobbed, saying it was the worst Christmas she ever had. She could not stop crying.

My heart sank, I felt so awful, there were no words to express how sorry I was. My heart just broke for this poor woman and her son. There was no consoling her. I think getting all that old broken crap for Christmas just put her over the edge. All I could do was apologize and let her vent.

As soon as I hung up from her, I called a few of my other clients and they said they also had received junk!

I called the organization and let them know what happened, they were so sorry. We had been working with this particular organization for years and we never had any problems before. But I guess this particular year they had a few new members who did not follow the rules about buying brand new gifts!

So we changed our rules and told them we would no longer be accepting wrapped gifts from them. We didn't take wrapped gifts from any place else, but they were an extension of our agency and they got to make their own rules. They had insisted on wrapping all of the gifts first because it was part of their tradition at their annual party and it was so much fun for them. They did understand where we were coming from and agreed from now on, only unwrapped gifts!

So coordinating Christmas gifts for needy families taught me many lessons! My first year there I was excited thinking it would be so much fun, but mostly it was very draining. I could write more on this topic, but I think you all get the picture!

'Tis the Season

Years ago, I worked at a social service agency that served many low income people. When the holidays rolled around we worked with other organizations and businesses that "adopted" our families to ensure that they would have a good meal and gifts for the kids under the tree on Christmas morning. It all sounds good and it pretty much was good, but it was also a very interesting experience for me.

One year a group of employees at a local business wanted to adopt a family. Since there were a lot of staff, I paired them with a single mother who had six children. They mother gave me a list of things that the kids wanted and I passed it on to the one coordinating the gift giving. They had never adopted a family before and they were very excited about making it a good Christmas for the family. As Christmas got closer, the woman was calling me everyday telling me what gifts they were adding to the list. They decided to go above and beyond what was on the list and were chipping in to buy bikes and other big gifts. When I checked with the mom she was thrilled that the business was going all out for her kids and it was turning into the best Christmas they had ever had. That right there worried me. They were going over the top and I wondered if every Christmas after this one would be a let down. But I didn't say a word. They were being generous and the mother was all excited.

A couple of days before Christmas, I got another call from the woman in charge of the Christmas gifts. She said that all the employees were so excited about the gifts they bought, that they decided they wanted to be at the house on Christmas morning and see the faces of the kids when they opened all of their gifts. My heart sank. I had to explain that our clients identities were confidential and we could not release the names without the mother's permission. But more than that I knew the mom would never want to let a dozen strangers in her home on Christmas morning to watch the kids open presents. Who would want to do that? I tried to explain to the woman that the children did not know that their mother was so low on money that she could not afford Christmas gifts for them. The mom had a lot of pride and it was hard for her to accept help, but she was doing so for her kids.

The lady from the business got so mad. She started yelling at me, reminding me how much money they spent on gifts for the kids and it was their "right" to be at their house on Christmas morning. She said she was not looking forward to going back to the other employees to tell them that they could not go over to the house.

I knew this mother would be mortified that these people wanted to come over and intrude on her Christmas with her kids. She didn't want them to know who she was and have everyone know she was down on her luck.

So the woman and I went back and forth and back and forth. I tried to remind the woman that the real purpose of gift giving was giving without expecting anything back. I stressed how good-hearted they were for taking on this project and just maybe they were losing sight of why they were doing this in the first place.

She was good and mad at me. But when the day came for them to deliver the gifts to me, they came with them all. I then called the mother and she came and picked up all the gifts for her and her children and was very, very thankful.

That particular business never called me again to adopt any more families at the holidays.

Change of plans

Christmas is this week, and I am so not ready. I thought I had more spirit in me this year, but I was so caught up with other concerns that I let the time get away from me.

We were all involved with renovating my parents' house and hoping to move as soon as possible. In my head I was visualizing being in by Christmas. I had the mantel all decorated in my head and the house was coming along nicely. More than nice, the rooms we re-did were beautiful. Yet, everyday I was waking up with a stomach ache, there was something deep inside of me that was not happy about the move. While I believed I would enjoy living in the house, I knew in my gut that I was not really wanting to pick up my life and move, not at this point in time anyways. My husband wanted the move, my son was going to buy our house, and all of my family was happy that the house would stay in the family. How could I back out now?

So I carried on for weeks waking up feeling sick, wishing I could get out of the situation, and yet trying to talk myself into it. Don't get me wrong, there were many pros to the move, but the cons were nagging at me and I could not make peace with them.

Then there was a twist of fate, there were some snags and it looked like my son would not be buying our house. I should have been disappointed, but to my surprise I was relieved. Since plan A was not going to happen, all of my family expected us to go to plan B as we discussed. That would entail us putting our home on the market and then moving forward with the purchase of the other house.

My husband and I went through a week of soul searching, and it was not easy. There was a part of me that was having difficulty letting go of the house, but on the other hand, how could I move forward when I had all of these nagging doubts? I needed to feel 100% good about the move, and I didn't. My husband started to have his doubts, too. We moved too fast and maybe for the wrong reasons.

Last Sunday we had a sit down with our family and broke them the news that we would not be buying the house and we thought it best if it goes on the market. I was so nervous about talking to them, but they were wonderful. No one wanted us to make a move if we were not going to be happy doing so.

So this week, I have been feeling relieved and happy that I am not moving. No more waking up with a stomachache about the situation. When I visit the house and check on the renovations, I am sad that we won't be the ones enjoying the house, but yet I know it my heart that I am making the right decision.

Still Thankful, but exhausted!

Another Thanksgiving under our belts. Last year was a hard Thanksgiving for our family. This year it was a back to normal kind of holiday. Well, kind of normal despite it being the first Thanksgiving without my dad.

I had 11 people at my house for dinner. My mother and in-laws and a couple of my aunts, as well as, my kids, niece, and brother in law. All 5 of our elder crew are all well over the age of 80! We are really lucky to have them with us. They all are still active and cooking, so they brought over their specialty dishes as well!

I made the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cornbread casserole and an assortment of appetizers.

My guests brought over sweet potatoes, squash casserole, creamed onions, green beans, salad, pumpkin and apple pies. An abundance of food, family, and love.

I made a cornbread stuffing that I saw on the Oprah Show. It is very labor intensive, but oh so good! Rave reviews from the elder crowd and those don't come easy!

Check it out here:

http://www.oprah.com/food/Thanksgiving-Stuffing-with-Cornbread

Saturday update

This week was a short work week and I loved it. No work on Veterans' day so I made time to go down to sign up for pool membership at the physical therapy facility in town. When I walked into the pool area and saw that it was completely handicapped accessible with a ramp so you can just walk into the pool, I was delighted. Easy in and easy out. So I spent an hour or so of my day off there and I loved being in the water. The warm water felt good on my very painful joints. Everyone there was handicapped in one way or another. We were all over 50, some well over. It reminded me of the movie Cocoon, where all the elders were swimming in the pool. I was laughing to myself and also thinking about how old I am now, and although I don't feel it on the inside, I sure look it on the outside.

The other day at work, I had an incoming text message from my boss during a meeting with a young director. She was astonished that the boss would be texting me and that I knew how to text. So she asked me if my children had taught me how. I have to say I was a wee bit offended by that. I mean, how hard is it to learn how to text? So I told her no, that I had taught myself. She said she taught her mom. I guess in that moment, I realized how she saw me as an old woman. Blah! Oh, well. I am old enough to be her mom, so that is that. Whippersnapper!

Later we took in some musical theater, How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying." We both enjoyed it so much! I found it to be my favorite among the series.

My husband's dad is now in a residential facility geared for adults with Alzheimer. It is a very nice setting and word of mouth has been excellent about the care people receive there. It was hard to make that final decision, but all things hard are necessary and it is a good thing for the family.

Between all the work with his dad and his injuries, no work got done on the house for a couple of weeks. Since my husband is still recovering and in a lot of pain, we decided to hire out for some help. I am thankful he agreed to do that because there was no way he could do it all alone. I don't think he realized the toll it was taking on him because... he isn't getting any younger either!!

Later this afternoon, we are hoping for a get a way to the shoreline and a fish dinner!

Sunday update

Sundays have changed since my mother moved. Since there isn't room for all of us at her new place, we tend to divide up. Some of us go during the week and then a few on Sunday. Once we get the house renovated and we move in, I hope that changes and we can all meet at the house where we all grew up and have our Sunday dinners resume.

I wonder how it will be for Mom to visit us in her former home? I know she misses it so much, and after 60 years living there, how could she not? I thought she would be happy that we kept the house in the family and I believe she is, but wonder how weird it will be for her to be visiting? Time will tell. Sometimes, just once in a while, I wonder if we should have just cut all ties. I guess that is because on some level I feel guilty.

My husband was working everyday at the house ripping up the old carpets, pulling down old wall paper, etc. etc. Workmen were coming in giving estimates, we had an energy audit. Things were moving along. My husband is retired from his full time work, and has his art business, plus a few volunteer positions. On top of that, he also has elderly parents and is their sole care-taker. His mom is 89, dad 86. Dad has Alzheimer. His dad recently came out of an extended stay in rehab and came back home. So my husband has also been very busy with his parents. Very busy.

Unfortunately, my husband fell ill this week, which resulted in a fall. While all the tests at the hospital were negative, he did wind up with a cracked rib and chipped elbow. He is most uncomfortable.

So the house renovating has been put on hold until he is feeling better. Changes are going to be made with the care for his parents. More help needs to come in all areas. Slowing down and self care are high on the agenda now!

Saturday Night Review

When I was in high school I loved to listen to folksinger, Melanie. She was popular when I was in my senior year and through a bit of college. She became known from Woodstock when she sang, Beautiful People, and the crowd for the first time at a concert held lit matches or lighters in the air and moved to the rhythm to the music. Later she wrote her first chart topper, (Lay Down) Candles in the Rain in response to Woodstock.

I saw her at a local venue over 35 years ago with some college friends. The concert was awesome, everything I wanted it to be. After the concert, we met her outside and had an opportunity to chat with her. Great evening.

Fast forward over 35 years: I found out this summer that she was coming our way in Oct. I have looked forward to the show since then! So last night we drove about an hour to a venue with the best acoustics in the state.

To make a long story short. She came out on stage and sang her first number, and my mouth dropped. She was completely off key and sounded awful. Just terrible. I thought, OK, maybe it will get better... maybe someone will tell her to tune her guitar and that will help her get on key.
That never happened. And the rest of the night was just too hard to describe.

Security seemed to be in odd places, giving me an uncomfortable feeling that something was going on and I could not focus on the concert. But focusing on the concert, was depressing because she was ruining all her songs. There was a man in the audience that immediately called out to her to say it was his birthday, and he kept repeating it and repeating it. Then he started to call out other things, some made no sense, some I could not hear. Soon security was sitting next to him. It was obvious at this point that the man was unstable. I started to feel I wasn't safe. I wanted to leave. My husband talked me into staying.

Soon Melanie was yelling from the stage at security to leave the man alone.

Some people got up to leave and she called out into the audience, "Where is everyone going? Why is there so much activity?" "Everyone sit down!"

It was the most uncomfortable situation. The audience started chanting to get the man out. Melanie yells at them that she has been doing this for a long time and everything will be fine.
She sings a couple more songs, the man is agitated. The police come and try to get him out of the aisle. People stand up again to get out of the way. Melanie yells again for everyone to sit down. But now we are all up out of our seats. I am mad now. My instincts said to get out of there before, and I did not listen. I am in a corner up in front and their was no exit on our side.

The man is now yelling for the police to leave him alone and that we are all witnesses. By this time, Melanie stopped playing, her husband was trying to calm down people. Finally, the police and security got the man out of the theater.

Now I was feeling nothing but anxiety, but the show went on and on and on. Way too long for me! lol

So when it was over, Melanie was having a meet and greet. I had brought my CD covers to have her sign, but I was anxious to just get out of there. I was done, so we left for our hour drive back home.

Sitting next to us at the show was a woman who traveled all the way from Australia just for the concert. She had seen her over 30 years ago and had a guitar pick from that show that Melanie had signed and wanted her to sign the back of it this time. She was so excited about being there that she was a nervous wreck before the show. We talked alot before the show. She had stayed a true blue loyal fan over the years. She knew everything about Melanie since the 70's.

I watched her face during the concert and she never took her eyes off of Melanie. She was crying through many of her songs even though her singing was so awful. The woman didn't seem to notice what was going on in back of us with the security, she didn't seem uncomfortable with the restlessness of the crowd. She was in her groove. I admired her for that. She traveled so far to come to the show and nothing was going to ruin it for her. I guess every experience depends on our state of mind. I could not get into the groove last night, the usual connectedness and inspiration that I get from an uplifting concert was not to be.

Ramblings

I so love to read Kelle Hampton's blog. Each and every post inspires me and often moves me to tears. I love her writing, her photos and most of all I love how much she enjoys her life and her kids. I wonder where she gets all of her energy for all that she does. I wonder if other women my age follow her. She gets hundreds of comments a post, so I know she is making a big impact on many people. Check out her blog, Enjoying the Small things @kellehampton.com.

I have lost the passion for writing on my blog, but I still read each and every one on my blog list everyday. It is the first thing I do when I get home to unwind. No one in my family or any of my friends blog or follow blogs, so they don't get it when I talk about the folks I have met through blogging. I know they think it is a little weird because I speak about some of you like you are my best friends. But I think you all know how that goes!

I came home and made sure I watched Oprah's interview with Lisa Marie Presley today. I was curious about her relationship with Michael Jackson and what she would reveal about it. To my surprise, she seemed to be very much in love with him and had many regrets about how the relationship ended and how she shut down and did not deal with her feelings over the years. She seemed sincere and if she was, it must have been a very hard thing for her to do. The parallels between Michael and her father's life are chilling. I always enjoy a good interview.

I used to love the Phil Donahue show back in the day and I swore I would never stop watching him for Oprah. But that didn't last as The Oprah show became more popular and more geared to women's issues. I have memories of being home taking care of the kids and folding laundry while watching Phil. I learned so much about so many things. I remember once Phil had a whole show based around the fax machine when it first came out. In later years when I went back to work, I would watch Oprah while putting dinner in the oven. Phil and Oprah both kept me company and informed.

Well, didn't know where this post was going to go, I just let it take me there.

long time no blog

We didn't know it was the last Sunday dinner at mom's house when we were having it. A couple of days later, her apartment was ready and it was time to move her the very next weekend. I am grateful that we weren't aware of it, because we didn't dwell on it being the last time. It was just a regular Sunday at mom's with her homemade sauce.

We got her all moved in over the Columbus Day weekend. The morning was sad packing up and dividing up 60 years of memories, but we managed. Once we got over to her new place, it was fun. The apartment was bright, clean, cheerful, and it was a good time helping her to decorate. Her place is much, much, smaller than the house, but she was able to bring all the big pieces of furniture over that she wanted. I know it is a big adjustment for her, but she is doing well.

Now we are renovating her home and hopefully we will be in by Christmas.

It was emotionally draining to help her make the move and if that wasn't hard enough, I got a call at the end of the day with some very sad news. A co-worker of mine was out jogging and dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was a avid runner and had not had any physical ailments that he knew of. It was very shocking and scary. So needless to say the following work week was very difficult for all of us.

Getting ready for Sunday dinner

Still working on the house stuff. Son still interested in our house, we are still interested in my mother's house.

I cried for 3 days when her apartment became available. So many things were going through my head. First I was thinking that last year at this time we were getting ready for our son's wedding. Such a wonderful and happy occasion. Soon afterwards my dad became ill and passed away.There was not an inkling in my mind that we would be picking up and moving a year later.

I cried for my mom because she is being so brave to start all over again at age 85, when her entire life was devoted to her husband and that house. I kept thinking it was not really going to happen, that she would change her mind. I guess I was in denial.

I think I had to cry my way through it all for a few days, because now I am feeling so much better. Even my knees are doing better as far as the pain goes. I called and canceled a cortisone shot I was scheduled for because I no longer needed one to my surprise!

We are busy getting rid of clutter we don't want to move or need and that is good no matter what happens.

Been in a creative state lately. I entered 3 categories for the big statewide fair coming up next week. Salon prints, digital pictures, and I did a collection case of Beatles memorabilia. I will find out how I did on Friday. Sort of a fun distraction away from moving and all that stress it entails.

So there u have it. So much more I want to write, but I space out on Frontierville when I have the extra time. Sort of relaxing and like working on an electronic color form set to me. Except the click of a mouse makes it so much easier.

Work is going better, too.

I have come to believe it is more about how we think about the situations in our lives that causes so much suffering than necessary. There are a lot of folks out there who talk about that and I am reading them and really trying to put their strategies into action. I post them all over my Facebook so I will see them every day.

Off to Sunday dinner at my mom's house. We are getting down to the wire now with these dinners. As they will never be the same as they have been all these years in just a few short weeks.

Who knew when I started blogging and writing about the Sunday dinners that I might be the one to carry the torch for my mom in her house? Life is full of surprises and redirections and if it wasn't, how could we ever stretch ourselves?

Take care

I am having such problems with my old knees. My good knee is now bad and I am needing replacement surgery on both of them. The surgeon wants to try to put it off, because I am on the young side to have it done. The new knees only last about 10 years and then you need another replacement, so they say. I want to go along with that because I am not looking forward to surgery, pain, recovery, rehab, etc. but I am not sure waiting is an option as I find my life is becoming more and more pain filled and I am limited in my activities.

I have to figure out what I am going to do. I was falling into a depression because of the despair I was feeling and then had another wake up call when I went for my yearly mammogram.

I was called back to have another mammogram and ultrasound, one day after I had my yearly appointment. Over the phone they were talking about density, cysts, etc. and giving me per cent ages of how many are not malignant. I know many women do get called back and find out they are fine so I tried to not worry about it.

And I didn't worry too much during the day, but I found I had no control of my dreams and I would wake up from dreams about cancer. I would lie awake shaking for awhile. So it was a very stressful 3 days of waiting for my appointment. It gave me a lot to think about, a lot to pray about. I used those days to think about what I need to do to take better care of myself, and I need to start soon. I am ashamed of how I have allowed myself to get into a mess with my health. I worked on a plan to address my issues no matter what the outcome of my tests would be.

You can not imagine my relief and happiness when the technician walked into the room after consulting with the radiologist with her arms waving in the air to tell me that they did not find anything and that I could leave!

So now I am trying to keep my word to myself. I have been doing so much reading about women's issues and all the experts say that there is one main issue that keeps women from taking care of themselves.... It is not feeling worthy. I try to fake feeling worthy, but obviously it isn't working. I am going to keep on trying until I am not faking it any longer because I really want to feel good, feel free of the anxiety I feel on a regular basis.

Seems silly at my age, not to feel worthy. But something has a hold on me, something that has been there for a very long time and I am so tired of how it has made life such a struggle. I want to be free of it.

F R E E ...

It 's Monday, all day long

Things are progressing as far as buying the house where I grew up. We had the house appraised and now we are in the process of making a final decision. Our son is very interested in buying our house, the home where he grew up and I love that idea. It would make the move so much easier as we would not have to rush to get the house on the market and have strangers coming through So that would be plan A: We buy my parent's home, my son and daughter in law buy our home. I won't really have to say good-bye to any house. We will see how it all turns out.

Work has been dismal for me personally. I want to be happy there and I really, really try. But since they changed my job description, I feel like I am not being challenged in the ways that I enjoy. I get my work done, but feel so empty. Nothing I can do but deal with it every day the best I can, and still keep my eyes open to see if there is anything out there for me that would be a better fit.

I have made my list of what I want, I scour the job ads, and I try to stop the negative thinking in my head. You know, thoughts like: "Who will hire me at THIS AGE?", "There is NOTHING out there in this economy." Or, "Do I really want to change jobs at this point in my life and start ALL OVER again somewhere else?"

I really know how to give my self a pep talk talk, don't I??

The Sun

A few years ago in a Food Co-op in Vermont, I bought my first copy of The SUN magazine. I stayed up all night and read it cover to cover. My favorite section in the magazine is called, Readers Write. Every month the editors select topics for readers to write in about. Any essay that gets published receives a free 6 month subscription to the magazine. It was my goal to write an essay for it, but I never did until last month.

The topics never resonated with me, until this summer. So while I was on vacation, I wrote an essay about it and I have mailed it in! I feel so good that I accomplished something that I wanted to get done, whether it gets published or not. They receive so many entries and the competition is tight, but it is exciting waiting to hear if I get in or not. The topics are broad based in order to give room for expression and they look more for thoughtfulness and sincerity over writing style.

If I don't get it published in the magazine, I can post it to my blog anyways! Now all I have to do is sit tight until March. LOL

Summer Saturday

So the heat wave around here has not let up. I don't know if there is even any rain in sight. But this has been the first enjoyable hot day I have had all summer. Our pool has been giving us headaches and even though the water isn't crystal clear yet, I had to give in and go in it today. Finally all the algae seems to be disappearing.

Moral of the story: Don't open your pool just before u leave for vacation, extend your vacation, and have no one back home looking after your pool.

Now I am relaxing and drying off on the deck and the heat is bearable enough to sit out for awhile.

We are going to go to the next step for my parents house and will have it appraised. While in our heads we have it all renovated and redecorated, we are still not 100% sure what we will do.

I think Sona asked if it was a house we would buy if we did not have the emotional attachment to it and I would say probably not. But that would still depend on what is out there. I know ranch houses are hard to come by and that is the number one attraction of this house for us. Even though we would probably finish off the attic, the main living area and master bedroom would be downstairs.

There is a huge basement with big windows that would be perfect for my husband's art studio. Great lighting. When I lived home I had so many indoor plants down there and there is plenty of room for me to still do that, plus a workout area. And a pool table would fit fine for when the kids come over.

We can add on the extra bathroom and laundry room that we would need.

The only 2 drawbacks: It is a longer commute to my work. But hopefully I will retire from my present job in a couple of years so I don't want to make that a factor since it is not long term.

The other concern is that it is a very high traffic street. The house if far back enough away from the street so that is good. Unless there are plans to widen the street which we should look into.
It is just hard to get out of the drive way at 5:00 P.M. due to the heavy traffic. Always has been... but we have all managed it all of these years.

Presently we are helping mom sort her things and working on our house to ready it for the market. We want to move either way, so it is good motivation to get things done.

On a side note. I made the mistake of getting involved in FarmVille on Facebook. I am now addicted! I have trouble with working on the computer for a limited time and then shutting it off and walking away. Email, blogs, and Facebook took up so much time. I avoided FarmVille for a long time because I knew I would be sucked in. Bingo. I need to stop and do more useful things with my time, but those gifts keep coming. And I just got my harvester and tractor!

Changes?

I am still getting settled back home after a nice and relaxing vacation. We set out to spend a week on cape cod, and to our surprise the owners of the house we rent offered us 4 extra days for free because their house was not rented for the next week. We could only stay 3 extra due to previous commitments, but those extra 3 days were like icing on the cake. How nice was that?

I also enjoy having the rest of this week home and getting stuff done around here. Although with this intense heat, I am not doing all that much.

My mother decided to move into a senior apartment building to be with some of her relatives. She is too lonely in the house now that dad has passed away and wants to be around people. So we are in the process of helping her clear out the house while she waits for an opening.

My parents built their house after they married and lived there for over 60 years. It is the house we all grew up in and where we continue to have Sunday dinners on a regular basis. I am so sad about letting it go and have been thinking about buying it. My husband and I made out our list of pros and cons and they come out just about even. It wouldn't be my dream house by any means, but I believe we would be happy with it.

So we are working through this issue right now and trying to make a decision soon. I know that part of the reason I want to buy it is that I can't bear to lose it right now. Too soon. I feel my father's presence when I am there and I find a great deal of comfort from that. I am not sure if that in itself is a reason to uproot and start all over in a new town, but it feels right to me. My husband seems to be on board and I didn't know if that would happen. Still many things to figure out after discussions with family members, but we are heading in that direction for today.

Good morning

An angel in our midst

This is a mime we saw up in P-town on Cape Cod. He was pretty amazing, and somewhat scary to me. When you put money in is jar, he would move and point you out to thank you. That is why I love P-town. You never know what street performers will be there.

Not quite summer

A beautiful evening last night. We drove down to the shoreline and had dinner than took some photos at a near by beach. Drove home and stopped at the local ice cream place for some soft serve and the light was just right at the back of the building for more photo opportunities.

The bush

Today we spent time with my mother. When we visit her we take her to the cemetery because she doesn't like going alone. When we take her there she gets so upset about the bush next to dad's grave. They chopped up the bush when they were digging the grave so that one side of it is all cut up. Mom gets so upset and goes on and on about the bush.

We called the grounds keeper and they said that they have no plans to fix it or replace it. Mom's point is that all the other bushes are so beautiful and the one next to dad's grave is ugly and she finds it very upsetting.

I find it hard to listen to her complaining about the bush. We can't do anything about it, and what does it matter? I find the funny looking bush a good marker to help us find dad's grave, so it is helpful to me.

When we walk towards his grave with her hanging on to me so she can walk steadily, she will start to complain how upset she is about the bush. It gives me a stomachache to hear her go on and on about it. I try to tell her to let it go and not to worry about it.

When we got home, mom told me that she realized the bush didn't bother me, but it makes her so very upset. So I said to her that maybe why she is upset has nothing to do with the bush. She thought about that for a second and I saw a look come over her face that told me she was considering that thought.

I feel bad that I can't fix the bush and I feel bad that I can't give her comfort about the bush. But I know deep in my heart, that it isn't about the bush.

35 years

Monday, May 24 we will celebrate our 35th Wedding Anniversary. Our children are taking us out for dinner tomorrow night so we will all celebrate together along with my mother. Posted below are the words to the song that was sung at our wedding. The song is titled Less than the Song, written by Hoyt Axton. It wasn't a very traditional wedding song, but we liked the words so we went with it.

It is amazing that 35 years could go by so fast. Marriage is hard work, but well worth it. I am grateful for my husband and my family and for the love we have shared.

I am less than the song I am singing
I am more than I thought I could be
Spent some time as a child in daydreaming
As a young man I sailed on the sea.

Then come stand by my side where I'm going
Take my hand if I stumble and fall
It's the strength that you share when you're growing
That gives me what I need most of all
That gives me what I need most of all.

And I want you to be happy
And I hope you always will
For I cannot rest easy
'Til all your dreams are real
'Til all your dreams are real.

All your dreams are real,
All your dreams are real
All dreams are real,
All your dreams are real.

Book recommendation

I just finished reading Geneen Roth's book called Women, Food, and God.

It is one of the best books I have read about the subject. While in some ways, it is nothing that I haven't read before, she manages to pull everything together in very practical ways. A great deal of focus on the negative talk we have in our heads that bring us down and keep us in a vicious cycle of over eating and loathing ourselves.

I related to so much of it and have highlighted many parts of it to re-read over and over again.

Just passing on the recommendation for those who might be interested.

Flashback

The other night we went to see the musical Annie Get Your Gun at a local playhouse. I was not that excited about going and could not remember any of the songs from the play, but I am so glad we went! The production was fantastic! The music was great, old favorites like: There is No Business Like Show Business, Doing What Comes Naturally, They Say Falling In Love is Wonderful, Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better, Old Fashion Wedding, I Got the Sun in the Morning, etc,

I had forgotten all of those songs. It has been years since I have heard any of them. It brought back memories of being a kid and singing those songs around the house. I love music and I would spend hours singing along with the albums and knew every lick of all of the songs.

I don't have a good singing voice, which has always been a disappointment to me because I have enjoyed singing so very much. To have the passion and not the talent was a bummer. I don't sing along to music like I used to, and I know that is something that I need to get back to doing because it brought me so much joy.

Busy weekend

April is autism awareness month and with that comes the state wide yearly conference. I always go as an exhibitor with information about our schools to talk to parents about options if their children are not getting their needs met in their local schools. It is always enjoyable to get out and meet with parents and other professionals and talk about what we do and how we can help.

Dr. Temple Grandin was one of the guest speakers this year. She is considered one of the most famous people with Autism. Although she holds a PhD in animal science and is a professor at Colorado University, she is a prominent author and speaker on the topic of Autism. She is living proof that children born with Autism can lead a productive and successful life. She is the inventor of the "squeezing machine" developed because she realized she needed deep pressure to help her deal with sensory issues related to autism.

Recently, Claire Danes played her in the HBO movie bearing her name. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard it was fantastic and I have it on my Netflix list as it will be released in Aug. 2010.

I have read her books, the most well known,"Thinking in Pictures," and also read her mother's book, "A Thorn in my Pocket." Temple's mother, Eustcia Cutler literally saved her daughter's life with early interventions, in a time when most children diagnosed with autism were sent to institutions. Both books are great reads.

So yesterday was the first time I had the opportunity to hear Temple speak. She was wonderful and she offered so many important strategies that will help children and adults with autism in the public schools and at home. We are lucky where I work we have a small class sizes and have been instituting many of the things Temple was recommending, but in the mainstream there is much work needed to be done! And children are staying more in the mainstream because of this horrible economy!

Getting up on a Saturday for work ain't easy, but once at the conference the day flew by and I experienced the usual conference high that I get when I spend the day talking to the public and also getting lots of good feedback about the work we are doing at our school.

For more information about Temple Grandin, here is the link:
www.templegrandin.com

Another Saturday Night

A lazy kind of Saturday, which is very rare. Since the housework was all caught up on we took off this afternoon for a ride to the CT river valley. The husband stopped every so often to take photographs while I sat in the car reading my book.

I am reading The Vortex, Where The Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationships, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. This is the book that my Feldenkrais practitioner brought in for me to read to help me better understand the Law of Attraction.

One quote that stuck with me from the reading so far is this: You get to where you want to be from where ever you are-but you must stop spending so much time noticing and talking about what you do not like about where you are...Look forward to where you want to be, and spend no time complaining about where you are.

I admit that I am a complainer and I think my practitioner was tired of hearing me complain about what I didn't want in my life and have no clue about what I do want. I am still working on that one. What do I want? I am working on my list.

We came home to watch a movie. I thought I would blog and watch the movie, but the movie is in subtitles so I have missed most of it. It is difficult to blog and read text on TV. The movie is called Cine Paradiso. I think I will try to catch up with it if it is not too late!

Friday update

Vacation week comes to an end today. I can never believe how fast a whole week goes by when I am not going to work. I love being home and I caught up on so many thing. I cleaned, organized, shopped, and caught up on reading, etc. I enjoyed crossing off all the stuff I put on my to do list. I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep. Winter just does me in, I am someone that needs the sun and good weather.

A friend of mine is starting a non-profit organization and has asked me to be on the board. She is just amazing to me because she is a widow now and is struggling to stay afloat, yet she wants to help other women. She is an example of following your heart to do what she believes she is meant to do and not worrying about any roadblocks. She is an inspiration to me and I will do anything I can to help her achieve this goal.

I think it will be a very interesting and eye opening experience to be involved with this project. I have no experience in getting an organization up off of the ground, but I am looking forward to learning!

Change your mind and change your life

This past week was a good week.

Recently I watched the movie, "You Can Heal Your Life", by Louise Hays. The movie started out by following a woman going through the regular routine of her day and all the thoughts that were going through her head as she was walking down the street, driving the car, doing all the regular things we all do every day. But if you listen closely, most of the thoughts in her head were all negative. Louise talks about how those negative thoughts impact our lives and bring us negative experiences. The video went on to talk about using more positive affirmations in our day to day lives to see how they could transform us. While many inspirational speakers say the exact same thing and I have no doubts that they are right, I found that I don't ever practice saying positive affirmations on a regular basis.

I had the audacity to think that I wasn't a negative person and that I didn't need to do so. Well, since I have been going for my Feldenkrais sessions, I have become friendly with my practitioner who is someone who truly practices the law of attraction. She has been calling me on a great deal of my negative thoughts and attitudes. I have felt pretty lucky that she has been willing to take the risk with me and is so direct. It has opened up my eyes to how much I needed to work on.

So after watching the video I decided to start using affirmations on a daily basis. I picked one that Louise talked about in the video; "Today is going to be the best day of my life." I have been saying it every day and while I haven't won the lottery, (lol) my days are going much more smoothly than ever.

I was at a meeting with the higher ups at work this week. I had been nervous about this meeting since I heard we were having it.

There was a great deal of talk at the meeting about people who were not on board with all the changes going on. They were talking about the workplace situation in terms of "old blood" needing to go and "new blood" needed. So when it came around for me to speak, I said that I realized I was "old blood", but I was willing to have a "blood transfusion." Everyone laughed(as I hoped they would) and I was told that I was one employee who had risen to the occasion and they were pleased with how I handled the changes in my position.

The next day after the meeting, I noticed my knee sure felt much better than it has in years. Years! I couldn't believe it. It hurt slightly, not the pain I usually feel. I walked into my Feldenkrais session and told her how it felt so much better. When I got on the table, my practitioner said that my legs looked longer than usual and that my muscles were relaxed and my legs not resisting the movements like they usually do. She said when I walked in I sounded happy. She believes when people are happy and relaxed that it completely changes what the body is capable of. So I told her about how well my meeting went the day before and how my life and job were going in general and she was not surprised that I was feeling better physically.

So one part of my life is settling down. I needed that and I am grateful.

Easter weekend

I am so thankful for the sunny weather we have been blessed with this weekend. I was able to get outside on Friday and do some yard work. While I am sure many people got outside this weekend, for me it felt like a major victory to get myself up off my bed and put one foot in front of the other and walk out the front door.

I haven't felt motivated since my dad died to do much. I have barely cleaned my house. So when my feet hit that drive way and I felt the sun on my face, I just immediately put my arms up stretching towards the sun and a wonderful feeling came over me. In a second I was transformed, I felt like I was walking on stage like Kathy Griffin, head turning side to side flashing a big smile; except my audience was the big old empty sky. It was such a good feeling that I am going to remember to do it every once in a while because I found that I was able to lift myself up. Lift myself up. I have been so down.

The changes at my job have only added to my distress. My responsibilities have changed and I am also grieving the loss of the duties that I held for the past decade. It has been hard, but I have been moving forward with no complaining and just getting the work done.

One day I felt like I was having the beginnings of a panic attack, except that it lasted all day long. My guess was that it was all stress related, but it was most annoying. I just kept on doing what needed to be done and met my friend for dinner as I had planned. As we were ordering dinner, I told her about my day. As we were talking and I was trying to put into words how I had been feeling lately about the changes on the job and dealing with my grief in my personal life. I told her that I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me in two major areas of my life. My friend nodded along with agreement and as soon as I got the words out of my mouth, I calmed down. I felt my chest just relax and I felt normal again. There, I said it out loud and it made all of the difference.

I have had a couple of dreams about driving my car over snow and ice and I know those are symbols of frozen emotions. I am working through my grief as best as I can, but I know I haven't had any break through moments yet. Slowly, I feel like I am climbing out of myself, but I know I have a long way to go.

Easter was nice. We were able to go to VT with my mom and my sister. My mom hasn't gone any where out of state over night in years as she was always taking care of dad. So we tried to make a new tradition and it worked out really well.

Over the weekend my mom shared with us that she has decided that she wants to move from her house where she lived with my dad for 60 years and move into a complex for seniors. She is lonely and overwhelmed with the responsibility of the house. I am finding this a very difficult thing to hear. I understand her need to go where she will be less lonely, and I know the house is a money pit and way too big for her now. I admire that she is feeling ready to move on so quickly, and I know it will not be easy for her to do so. They built that house soon after they were married.

So yet another change is coming up and I am feeling so sad about it.

Happy Easter to all !

Recommendation

I discovered a new blog this afternoon, called Enjoying the Little Things. I started reading this afternoon and can not stop, I just took a break so I could share the link with all of you.

This blog will fill your heart fill with love and your eyes fill with tears.

The photographs are exquisite the writing engaging. Kelle Hampton talks about the birth of her Down Syndrome daughter and the family's journey to "Holland."

Enjoy.

http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

In like a lion

March certainly came in like a lion. The weather this weekend was so windy and rainy and since the ground is still frozen the water had no where to go and our back yard flooded. The water was high up the foundation in the back of our house. We had water leaking into our family room and we couldn't even figure out where it was coming from. My husband stayed up all night on Saturday to use the wet vacuum every 10 minutes. Fortunately he was able to keep most of the carpet dry.

Some schools in the southern part of our state were closed today due to power outages and 3 people were killed due to falling trees. The weather people should have given this storm a name and warned people to be careful. They have been off of their game lately, but I think the weather is just so hard to predict these days. It sure is a mess in parts of the state.

Tonight the wind is howling out there. It is a very uneasy feeling to listen to all that wind, knowing what damage it can do.

Over the hump day

I have some new job responsibilities which involves going to appointments around the state. Lots of driving in my car and walking all over creation. It is killing my knee. My movement practitioner says all this driving is not good for my knee and will make it much worse. My knee gets so stiff from driving and when I get out of the car to go to my appointment, I can hardly walk. I can't say anything to my boss at this point, because I am worried that I will lose my job.

So I am just doing my best to show that I am willing to make this shift in my position without complaining for now and see how bad it gets. Not sure what else to do.

Watching American Idol tonight. I haven't watched it too much this season, I don't think the talent is as strong as last year.

I am loving the weather this week. Spring is coming... slowly but surely.

My son told me the other night that he thinks I am on the computer too much. He told me I need to get out and take a class or something. I was surprised he made that comment, and yet I know he is right. Between Face book, blogging, U-tube, full episodes to watch, and all the various stuff I find to read, I can be on it for hours. Half the time, I am rechecking blogs and Face book that are never even updated.

Penguins and sharks and whales, oh my!

We stopped off at the marine life aquarium on our little get away this week. I hadn't been there since my boys were little. The facility has grown so much! Now they have a huge outdoor area built around a marsh, where they have the Beluga whales, penguins, and sea lions.

Because it was school vacation week, there were many, many families and children. The pool were we stayed was packed full of kids from early morning until late at night. We did find one morning of down time and we were able to take a nice long swim.

I forgot many people go away with their kids on vacation. As a kid growing up we never really went anywhere, let alone during school vacation. I don't believe anyone did. A school vacation meant some time to go over a friend's house and maybe a sleepover, or go to a movie. Life was slower paced back then and parents didn't feel like they had to entertain the children for a week.

I don't remember taking my kids anywhere either. Maybe out to lunch and to the mall. Now I know families that go to Florida or cruises without fail every vacation. The world has become smaller now and people are so much on the go. I admire that in someways, but because of my fear of flying and no interest in cruises, here we stay. Maybe someday that will change for me.

Tuesday

I am enjoying Rosie O'Donnell on Sirius radio, Rosie Radio. I am on a free trial and considering getting the Internet radio subscription. She has had some very interesting guests on and her interviewing skills surpass anything she was able to accomplish on TV.

Rosie impresses me because she isn't afraid to speak to her mind, has a very compassionate heart, and she is so artistic. The media tried to beat her down after the controversy on The View. I was amazed at how much the media turned her into a villain and made up lies to get the public to go against her. She was mocked for her political opinions, yet bringing those opinions to The View completely changed the focus of the show, and brought in strong ratings. After she walked off the show, they continued with the format she started.

On another note, I organized my whole desk and went through all the piles that I let go sky high when we were running back and forth to the hospital. It feels so good to have a handle on it. Now I have room to do some fun stuff. Going to work on a collage right now!

Monday

Valentine's Day was spent with my mom. She invited all of us over for some baked lasagna and cake as we have 2 February birthdays in the family. It was a nice afternoon and I know my mom enjoyed the company.

I am on vacation this week. I needed the break so badly and I am so thankful to have it. I have the retiree husband home as well. We plan to do a few projects around the house and then take off for a couple of days. I am looking forward to it, even though it will be someplace not too fancy and not too far. Just a change of scenery is what I need.

One of the things I enjoy doing is coloring in a Mandala coloring book I have. I saw the book on Ruth's blog last year and promptly ordered one for myself. It is a relaxing and calming activity and brings back memories of when I was a kid and enjoyed coloring books. I love the colors and the feel of the pencils on the paper. I got through last winter coloring quite a few of them and remembered how much I liked doing so, and I brought it out again last night.

More snow is predicted for tomorrow, but not too much. We shall see, last time they weathermen all got it wrong.

Sunset

Frightening

I was wasting time playing Wii in my son's room when all of a sudden I heard the loudest explosion I have ever heard in my life! It made the house shake! For a second there I thought my house was exploding! I was so frightened. My husband and I looked outside and didn't see a thing, but a still and quiet neighborhood. No sirens to be heard.

I called the police and it took them a little while to answer the phone as they were so busy taking calls. The dispatcher said the explosion was under investigation and hung up very quickly. Later we learned that a power plant about 10 miles away from here had an explosion. It has been all over the national news today.

People have been killed, injured, and are trapped in the ruble. Houses near by to the plant came off of their foundations. Homeland Security is on the scene with many local emergency crews.

Prayers go out to all the workers at the plant and their families, as well as the emergency crews and neighbors.

I felt so frightened and I was so far away, I can't imagine how it was for those involved.

Stuck

I have done nothing exciting to report. I go to work, come home and usually stay on the computer all night reading blogs or watching U-tube. I might take a break from all of that fun and go and play Mario on the Wii. In between, I am reading a book about Food Addiction that is one of the best books I have ever read about the subject. And I have read many. It is provoking lots of feelings. Yes, feelings... whoa, whoa, feelings... that I don't want to deal with. All I want to do is be out in the sunshine in my pool making whirl pools. That is where I feel safe and free. But we still have a lot of winter to cope with yet.

My heart knows what I need to be doing, but my body is frozen and my head talks me out of taking better care of myself. So while winter usually is a low energy time for me, this winter is a killer so far. I know it is the grieving that is zapping my energy on top of all the the other issues . I hate feeling this way, but yet, there is a part of me that is so comfortable with it. I feel overwhelmed, lost, sad, and lonely.

My son turned 30 years old on Thursday. We are going over there later to celebrate with his wife, new in-laws and all of my family. It will be his first birthday that Dad won't be there to celebrate with us and it makes me feel so sad. Yet, I am so happy for my son. He has a wonderful new wife, new place, and in-laws he really loves and they love him. So I concentrate on all the positive for him and know that my dad will be with us in spirit.

I know things will get better, I know I will do the right things when I can, and I know I can count on all of your support. So thanks for listening and being there for me at a time when I am not ready to talk to my day to day friends or family.

Ocean view

A short video of the beach from yesterday. It was cold down the shoreline and I forgot my gloves so my hands were freezing.

Time off

So a three day weekend is here. I am enjoying a lazy Saturday. After spending some time with a friend this morning, my husband and I took a ride to the beach. We took some photos, went out to lunch at our favorite sea food place and came home. It was a mild sunny day and everyone was out at the beach and to lunch. A nice break from the very cold weather we have been having, but sort of like a little tease as it is supposed to snow again tomorrow.

The other night we saw Up In The Air with George Clooney. I really enjoyed it. Although a very serious movie, it had many funny moments.

I have yet to see Avatar. I am hoping to see that soon, but don't usually have the patience for such a long movie. But I hear it is worth it, so I plan to give it a try.

Hope many of you are also enjoying a 3 day weekend!

Back to business

I went back to work this week, first time back since my dad passed away. I was a little on edge about going back in. I work on a campus and have been there a long time. The people are very friendly and caring people. We have supported one another through a lot of good times and crisis times. So you can almost imagine my feelings when only one person came to my dad's wake, no one attended the funeral, and no phone calls during the break. I did receive a card signed by everyone from my building which came after the funeral and the company sent me a basket.

But standing in line at the wake and meeting so many of my siblings co-workers and only having one person show up for me made me feel sad.

It isn't typical for my place of employment not to rally around a staff member and I was feeling badly about myself. Did I do something that made people think that I would not want their comfort? Am I too stand offish? I do try to keep my personal life separate from work, because I believe that is the professional thing to do. Some knew that my dad was very ill. I didn't spend my days going on about it to many people, but shared it when it was appropriate to do so.

So Monday morning I would be seeing my co-workers for the first time. It ended up being like a mini wake in my office, people coming in and offering their condolences and giving me hugs. Some said that they had been thinking about me every day. I wanted to say that I wished they had called, but didn't. No one said why they didn't make it to the services. It was hard to come back to work and have to go through a wake-like process again, but I was appreciative that people acknowledged my dad's passing and that the ice was broken.

When I went into the building next door, a co-worker there told me she had been out of the office for a couple of days and when she came back , she found out my dad had passed away from someone who no longer worked there. It was too late to make any services. No one from the office had called her. There were other people who were not told as well.

I am working on letting this go. I know no one did anything malicious, I believe they thought I would want privacy, but they never asked me. Maybe I don't understand the vibe I give off. I am writing about this today not because it is eating at me, but because I am sharing a slice of my experience and trying to learn more about myself because of it.

There are some things you just have to let go of and accept that people did what they thought was best and move forward. I know people cared and that was the most important thing.

Standing in your truth

We spent a quiet New Year's Eve with my mom. We took her to an early dinner and then just hung around watching TV with her and stayed over night. I knew that being alone on New Year's Eve without my dad for the first time in over 63 years, would not be an easy thing for her. So I was glad we were able to stay with her and get her through yet another holiday.

It is often said that a crisis is an opportunity for growth. When a family goes through an illness and death of a loved one, there are many situations that challenge your relationships and perspective. I found myself coming up against a few tough situations where I held different opinions than some family members and it caused some upset within the family.

I have always been afraid of conflict, and more of a people pleaser than I would like to admit. But when dealing with issues of life and death, there is no room for such nonsense. I found that I could stand in my truth with confidence and let the ramifications wash over me and go forward. It wasn't easy and there were times I needed support from my friends. But never the less, I managed.

After the funeral was over I decided to schedule a massage for myself. Everyone was telling me to take some extra time for me and do something that I would enjoy and massage was number one on the list. Not just for the relaxation, but also because I have a good rapport with my massage therapist and I knew being in her presence would be a healing experience.

My therapist was astounded because for the first time since she has been working on me (a few years), my muscles were completely relaxed with absolutely no knots. I had been getting good rest during all of the craziness, so I would account that for some of the reason. I would work, go to the hospital and come home to bed. Luckily with a retired husband, I could pass on the housework, etc. to him. I believed that the resting would keep my resistance up and keep me healthy.

But as I shared with my masseuse the issues and situations that I have been handling, we both became aware that when you stop people pleasing and act on what your intuition tells you to, the body is under less stress and stays relaxed. I have studied the mind/body/spirit connection for years, so when the therapist mentioned that she could believe how relaxed my back was because it is usually one big knot, I told her that the back is where we hold all our issues relating to the past. She said she got the goosebumps. I had been dealing with past issues and instead of swallowing them, I handled them. My feet were also more relaxed and flexible than they have ever been and the feet are the symbol for being grounded.

I have learned a lot through this experience of loss. My personal lens has changed, I have a new found confidence that I can feel right down to my toes. I feel like I figured out who I really am, and though not everyone may like it, I am not going to hide it any longer.

I had thought quite a long time of how to move forward with some relationships after all was said and done. At first I was keeping a score card and going to address all the issues when things settled down, but I no longer feel the need to do so. I am going to move forward and be gentle with myself and others, but from here on in, I will speak up about who I am and what is true for me.