Coping

At the wake it was interesting how many people came up to me and offered condolences and then mentioned how difficult it must be to be dealing with dad's death so close to Christmas. Well, truth be told, with what we had going on since November 1, I never really thought about Christmas. It was not my priority. When I heard the Carols on the radio as I drove back and forth to the hospital, I just turned them off. I was focused on taking care of dad and Christmas would just have to go on the back burner. My husband put up the tree on his own and did most of the shopping, because he was home during the day. Most evenings we were at the hospital with hopes dad would be out by Christmas.

All of my life we have spent Christmas Eve with all of my aunts and uncles and cousins on my mom's side. It was a big Italian Christmas Eve with all of the fishes and Italian delights. As the family grew, it was harder to find a house that would fit over 50 of us, but fortunately there were some relatives with big houses who took turns hosting. My uncle kept the tradition going. But he passed away in April and this Christmas his family did not feel up to the big family gathering. It would be too hard for them to celebrate without him. So for the past couple of months we had been getting used to the idea that we would have to start a new Christmas Eve tradition.

After the funeral (which was 4 days before Christmas) we realized we had to make some decisions as to what to do for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I wanted to just skip everything at first. I didn't care about celebrating. I was sad, worn-out and the last thing I wanted to do was put on a dinner on Christmas Day.

One of my sisters decided to have my mom and my family over for Christmas Eve. (Another sibling was going with her husband's side of the family.) It was certainly more quiet than spending it with over 50 relatives, but it was very nice and enjoyable and hopefully the start of a new tradition.

For Christmas Day I had a change of heart and ended up inviting my mom, my sister and her husband, and my aunts to join my family and the in-laws. This meant that I would be hosting 14 people now. More people, but also more help. They were all able to help me cook and that took a load off of me.

So we had a nice mixing of the two families and we all feasted on spiral ham, corn bread casserole, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, salad, and an array of desserts.

We got my son the Wii for Christmas and young and old had fun playing the sports games. It was a nice distraction.

The day after Christmas, my other sibling had us to her house because her children were down that day to open gifts. We had our grab bag and ordered pizza. So for not wanting to have any Christmas at all, we ended up having 3 days of Christmas! It was good for all of us to be together and just enjoy one another's company.

I concentrated on allowing the love and light of Christmas into my heart and it helped to carry me through the holidays. I thought about my uncle and my dad together again for Christmas Eve in heaven and I imagined that they were being serenaded by a choir of angels along with other relatives who have passed.

Drama

There was a good bit of drama while we were trying to make arrangements for my dad's funeral. We had a relative who was very fond of my dad and he took it upon himself to tell us he was planning on delivering dad's eulogy. While we understood he was very close to him growing up, one of the grand daughters had already been asked to deliver the words of remembrance, and the church only allowed one person to speak. We all wanted our niece to do the speaking, so we had to call the relative and thank him for offering but we had already appointed someone. It didn't go well. He was very hurt. It felt awful having to hurt some one's feelings, but it also felt very uncomfortable having someone outside our immediate family making decisions that were ours to make. This situation snowballed and it made a stressful time even more difficult.

Our ethnic background is very patriarchal, and since we don't have brothers, I think it was just assumed that a close male relative should speak, and the closest male relative took it upon himself to appoint himself.

Change is always hard, but we busted that patriarchal tradition and had my niece speak about her grandfather. She did a beautiful job. While she spoke about my father, her theme of family and love was so universal that so many of the men in the church could relate. I have never seen so many men crying at a funeral.

As the only grand-daughter, my niece and my dad had a special bond. He called her his Miss America. We were all so proud of her and impressed with how poised she was speaking because it wasn't an easy thing to do.

Sleep tight

Stayed overnight with Mom last night. We are taking turns staying over to help her with the transition. She is sleeping in the guest room, not ready to go back to their room.

When I was a little girl my dad would go off to farmers' market in the wee hours of the morning. I would get up and climb into their bed and sleep with her until it was time to get up. I always loved the feeling of waking up in their bed with her.

Last night I slept in their room again after all of these years gone by. I kept the night light on for old times' sake.

Watching the forecast

We are all getting ready for a big snowstorm that is supposed to hit us later this afternoon and into tomorrow morning. We are watching it closely because tomorrow is my dad's wake. I would hate for people not make it due to the snow, but there is nothing we can do to control the weather.

I am finally home after being with my mom and family and it feels good to be here. I have not been sleeping so well due to the fact I wake up shaking about this and that. I know it is part of my grief process and that it will pass.

I am going to take advantage of being home and going to take a nap.

Resting and in peace now

My dad passed away Wednesday evening. He finally surrendered and is now out of his pain.
I am heart-broken and relieved all at the same time.

My dad was a farmer all of his life and didn't retire until he was 82 years old. Even after he retired, he still planted a very small garden out side his home in spite of the fact he could barely walk. The above picture is the last garden that he planted this summer. Somehow, when I took this shot, I knew it would be his last. He was pointing with his cane to my husband to tell him what to pick and weed.

I want to thank all of my blogger friends who have been reading and praying for me and my family. It brought me a great deal of comfort.

Hugs to all of you, you mean a great deal to me.

Day away

The original doctor who admitted my dad to the hospital two weeks ago is back on the case. To make a long story short, he has made some big changes to his treatment because he believes that he can get better. This is a far cry from where his condition was the beginning of this week. I love that this doctor is looking beyond dad's failed body to see his strong spirit. The doctor said that if he could get him moving again, he would be the happiest doctor in the hospital. So dad has begun to make some improvements and we will see where it will go.

Because things had stabilized so much, I decided to take the day and attend a Christmas party that we had been invited to in Vermont. All my friends from high school would be there and I was so looking forward to getting in the car and doing something festive and fun!

My friend has a home at the base of the mountain and it is just beautiful. She made a delicious meal of ham and everyone brought side dishes to share. After dinner she had hired a guitar player to entertain us. We sang Christmas carols, listened to his original songs, and he took our requests for cover songs from James Taylor, Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, and others. Every room had the view of the mountain as shown above.

We all had a wonderful time and it was great to finally feel some Christmas spirit and cheer!

White Wednesdsay

We are hit with our first big snow storm this morning and schools are closed. That means a day off for me! Who does not enjoy a snow day? I am hoping we can dig out and the streets clear up so we can get up to the hospital earlier than we usually do.

I took Monday off to spend it with my dad. He was awful over the weekend, but much better Monday morning. When ever we go to visit, he will always cry when he first sees us. I take it to mean that he is happy to see us.

The nurse ordered a Reiki treatment for him because I asked her to. I was thinking of something that would relax him naturally. Unfortunately he began to have a medical problem and was not able to participate. The volunteer told me that I could take his place, that they offer the service to family and friends. I was so happy to take him up on the offer, and I found it to be so relaxing.

After that treatment, I headed into a family meeting with the doctors and it was nice to have had some time to relax a bit so I was feeling so centered.

There is so much going on, but due to privacy, I am holding back writing about the nitty gritty and gut wrenching stuff. It would sure make good posts, but I have to remember that I am not the only child in our family, and I know my siblings would be furious to see anything too private posted on here. I don't tell them about my blog, but I it wouldn't be impossible for them to recognize my posts if they were to land on it.

My husband has been doing a fine job of keeping the house and things running. I am so unfocused when I am home, and at work, too. I have lost my brand new watch, my long time address book, and a couple of other things. My head is spinning and I am not keeping good track of my things.

Before we left the hospital last night, dad asked where his shoes were. I know he is thinking about an escape plan. That makes me smile in a way. He is planning and plotting his way out of there so I don't feel he is ready to give up just yet.

Muddling Through

It doesn't feel like the holiday season to me yet. The tree is up, but my husband did it all by himself. I have hardly been in any stores yet to shop and have only bought a couple of gifts on-line. I am too busy running back and forth to the hospital, then exhausted when I come home.

Dad's situation is complicated. He has 3 major ailments that are not going to get better and has had periodic medical emergencies. But he then manages to stabilize. We can only take one day at a time. Some days he is great, looking and acting like his old self, other days he looks awfully sick and is struggling. Yesterday he was agitated by all the tests, machines, and being in the hospital. This is the hardest part of us, because we see a man we don't recognize when he becomes so ornery.

We still have questions that are not answered and a plan that we don't feel confident in, so we will be meeting next week with the doctor to discuss what is next.

A couple of days ago, my dad's sister died. She was 91 and lived a long and happy life. He knows she is not well, but no one told him that she declined over the past two weeks and finally passed away. I want to tell him, I hate keeping secrets, but other family members do not want him upset. I think he will get upset, but I think he is too absorbed with his own suffering and he will not dwell on it. But I can't be sure, so I have to go with the majority of the family on this one.

I was able to go to the wake and funeral today. Everyone was asking about my dad, so many had visited him over the past couple of weeks. We are lucky we have a close family that cares so much. It was a nice service today, very comforting and personalized and a nice way to honor my aunt.

This is a difficult time. So many decisions to make and not everyone sees the situation from the same perspective. I muddle through it, trying to educate myself medically and trying to be patient with my family as well as myself.

High alert

So my dad's stint in rehab was short lived. He ended up back in the hospital yesterday. It has been a crazy few days. I am so glad I am off of work so I don't have that pressure.

Last night I went to one store to pick up some gift bags for Christmas. The upcoming holiday has been the furthest thing from my mind, but I just wanted to get out and see if I could catch the spirit. I realized when I was in the store that I left my cell phone home and was unreachable if the hospital tried to call me. I began to panic a wee bit and went right to the check out line so I could get back home.

When I went to bed, I wanted to sleep in my clothes so if they called and needed us to rush in to see him, I would not have to waste time getting dressed. I talked myself out of that. I am just feeling I need to be on high alert, and trying to calm myself down.

Leftovers

Well, the holiday is over. It was the kind of holiday that I just wanted to get through and really could have skipped it completely. I know that sounds so awful and that doesn't mean I wasn't thankful, I was and I am. It is just hard to go through the motions when when there is so much going on.

My husband and I went and picked up the prepared dinners. We got enough food to feed an army, it was a very good deal. A 14 lb. turkey, stuffing, green beans, mashed potatoes, rolls, and two pies. He helped me get the food into my mom's house then took off to go to his parents' house.

As I was warming up the food the calls and texts started coming in from the rehab that dad wasn't doing well. It wasn't his health, but it was more his mood, feeling disoriented ,and wanting to come home. It wasn't pretty according to family members there. I couldn't leave the food and my mom was so tired. The calls and texts continued for a while until he settled down.

My husband and I texted all afternoon about updates on my dad and keeping up with each others food preparations.

After a very quiet dinner we left and took our turn to keep dad company. He was sleeping when we got there and it took a while to get him up. We visited for a while and fed him the very little he wanted to eat. I was relieved that he was relaxed and comfortable.

Then I went back and had dessert with my mom for a little while. When I left her house I stopped in to see my husband and his family. My husband was with his mom and dad and his brother, as all of his family live out of state and they had been here to visit for the wedding. So they were having a quiet holiday as well.

I was envious of my sisters who were off visiting their in-laws at big family gathering with home cooked dishes. But they did not even want to be there, they wanted to be with my mom. I wish we all could have managed to come together, but you know how it is with holidays and trying to split the time.

My husband and I will head over to mom's for leftovers tonight and visit with dad again. I am hoping to get to the gym to the therapeutic pool today. I am craving a swim. I always feel better when I get in the water and I so need to have that feeling of relief that I feel when I get in the pool.

Happy Thanksgiving

Well, got my dad all settled into rehab again. This time a new place since the other place was not as responsive to his needs this time around. He is the weakest he has ever been in his life and he is very scared about that. So onward we go.

My dad's sister is receiving hospice home care right now. They are saying that she will pass any day now. I want to go and visit her, but I am not because she has a serious infection that could be contagious and I can't take the chance of giving it to my dad. I have to not feel guilty about that.

This is the strangest Thanksgiving I have ever had. I am not in the kitchen cooking up a storm. We ordered our Thanksgiving dinner. Actually we ordered two meals. One for my husband's family and one for mine. We are splitting up for this holiday. It will be the first Thanksgiving we won't be spending together in 34+ years. We will be right across town from one another, so we can maybe meet for dessert!

I can't believe the holidays are upon us. I am so not ready for them. I feel like I lost a whole week at the hospital and am still feeling exhausted. I am glad I have the next few days off to catch up on sleep and start to feel the spirit of the season.

I want to thank all of you that take your time to read my blog. I have to say that your kind comments often make me tear up. I hope that someday I will be able to meet some of you.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

Crisis mode

It has been such an intense week. My dad became very ill and was rushed to the hospital. He was not expected to make it through the night on Tuesday. After they did everything they could for him, it was a waiting game. We spent the entire night at the hospital.

They sent us home in the morning to get some rest when he was finally stable but still in critical condition. The nurse explained that he was at the doorway of life and death and he would decide which way he was going to go.

Later in the evening we went back to see him. He was AWAKE and coherent. They allowed all nine of us into his room and told us to surround him with love. Every time one of the grandchildren came into the room he began to cry. It was so touching to see how happy he was to have all his family there. It was astounding to see how well he was doing compared to the night before, even though he was still critical. The nurse said he was a tough old bird and a fighter. He was talking about baseball to my son and he was back to his old self.

The next day he was still stable, but later in the evening they called us and told us to get to the hospital because there were many complications and they did not think he would make it once again. We all rushed up there to find him in quite a bit of distress.

I can't go into all the details of that night but it was truly a very difficult night. Difficult because he was in distress, difficult because we thought it was the end, but the most difficult part was being told all our options and trying to make those hard decisions. What made it so hard was there were conflicting opinions between the nurse practitioner and the doctor, and families members were not on the same page. But how could we be on the same page when some of us did not even understand the options?

It was a long night, but he began to make progress and the crisis passed. We all went home to get some sleep. When I called later in they said he was better.

Fast forward two days and he is off the critical list and moved into a regular room. He is still fighting some serious health issues, but he is improving daily and holding his own.

I am still sorting out the experience of the other night. I hated feeling so ill prepared and uneducated. So I plan to do some good research so I can be more informed for the next crisis, if that is even possible.

Ordinary Day

Yesterday was just an ordinary day and one that I totally enjoyed. I had taken a comp day from work because I had worked on Saturday and Thursday evening, my husband was home from his parents' house for the weekend, and my son didn't have to go into work until the afternoon. It has been awhile since we were all home at once so we had a good deal of catching up to do, so we all went to lunch together. It was so nice.

After we came home from lunch, I received an e-mail from my older son. He was friended on Facebook by a former neighbor who lived next door to us when we lived at the apartment. My son was only 2 years old when we moved, so he doesn't recall the neighbor per say, but he remembers seeing pictures of him and his sister and us telling him about them. At the time, the neighbors were just little kids themselves, around 6 and 10. We haven't seen them for 28 years.

So imagine my surprise to read the email that he forwarded to us from the neighbor who is now 38 years old! He told my son that he remembered me when I was pregnant with him and when he first walked, and now nice my husband and I were to the family. He said they were talking about us the other day and wondering what happened to us. So he looked my son up on Facebook. He said it was cool to see my son as a grown up married man.

Something so small, just made my day. Those kids were so sweet and they loved coming over to play with my son who was a baby/ toddler when we lived there. They were the happiest and in the neighborhood, but didn't have kids their own age to play with.

He hoped we remembered them, so I was excited to friend him right away to tell him of course we remember them! My husband scanned a picture of him and my son from our old photo album and e-mailed it to him.

So we all friended one another and I got caught up on the last 28 years of his life from his Facebook albums. Facebook is really amazing the way it connects people. Astounding isn't it?

I seemed to get on a roll yesterday afternoon and started organizing my part time business because I had stuff all over the house from it. Starting the business in the middle of all the wedding prep wasn't the best idea, but I think I have finally made sense of everything and can devote some time to it now.

We stayed in last night because it was a cold rainy evening and just ordered Chinese food and watched the rest of the Curb Your Enthusiasm DVD.

Just a nice quiet rainy Friday night.

Turning the corner

Looks like the elders are starting to make some progress. My dad is working hard in rehab and they feel he needs just a couple more weeks to build endurance and they believe they will have him walking with a walker by then. He doesn't seem to be bouncing back like last time though, as he has been confused some and often back in bed by late afternoon. So when I go to see him after work, he is so tired that it looked like he wasn't making progress and we thought he was giving up. It was nice to find out today that wasn't the case, and he was going to all of his sessions and giving it his all.

My husband is still at his parents' house. They are getting better as well. His mom is up after being ill in bed for a week, and she is getting stronger every day. His dad will be heading back to day care tomorrow, and hopefully they will be on their normal schedule. His brother is coming to relieve him tomorrow for a couple of days so he can come home! Maybe by next week, he can wean himself away from staying there 24/7.

I have been visiting my dad, keeping my mom company and helping out my husband with grocery shopping and some cooking. He is a great cook and has been making meals for his parents for the most part.

So it goes. We are trying to figure out what to do for Thanksgiving. We may decide to split up. He go to his parents and I go to mine and we will cook for both. It isn't convenient for either set of elders to leave their homes, so that is how I will plan to do it so that everyone gets a turkey dinner!

The other night I was very moved when I was visiting my dad. He had a new room mate who was having a terrible time and the poor man was screaming out and trying to rip off his clothes. The staff could not seem to make him comfortable. My dad wasn't in good shape that night, he was so tired and in pain and the nurse came in to give him his meds and all my dad could talk about was how sorry he felt for the man. He never complained about him at all. It made me want to cry. I didn't think I could last all night in that room with all that noise, but all my dad had was compassion for the poor soul.

Last week was hectic. On Sunday my dad had another fall and he was rushed to the ER and admitted. So that meant spending all day at the hospital while they s l o w l y took tests and finally got him settled into a room. Long day.

On Tuesday, my mother in law became very ill and she needed full time care. She is the care taker for my father in law who had just came home from rehab. There was no choice except for my husband to move in and take care of both of his parents. It is hard when both sides of elders are having a crisis! My husband's brother came down for the weekend to take a turn taking care of them so my husband got two days off.

Hopefully, my dad will be able to come home soon, and my mother in law will begin to feel better this week.

I had to work today at a resource fair. I wish I had a job that did not have occasional Saturdays and evenings. I resent giving up my personal time at this point in my life. I so need my weekends to regroup and recuperate from the week.

When I got home from work, my husband and I took a ride to our favorite fish house and had our favorite dinners. In the summer it is overflowing with people and all the outside picnic tables are full. Tonight, empty tables inside and dark and lonely outside. Summer is so over.

Tonight we watched another DVD of Curb Your Enthusiasm with Larry David. We find it a pretty funny show and since we do not have HBO we are catching up with it on Netflix. I enjoy shows more on DVD's because of no commercials and we can watch two or three in a row.

Tomorrow I will visit my dad again and also try to spend some time with my mom. I know it is hard on her when he is not at home.

Between all of the elders taking turns going to ER, admission to the hospital, and then rehab, it is all becoming so normal to me. Now I know what to expect and how long things take, so I make sure I arm myself with magazines and snacks to help pass the time waiting for the tests and doctors, etc.

I don't know how much longer both sets of parents can continue living in their homes without more support.

Happy Halloween

Slow Halloween night. Maybe about 50 kids came, usually double I would say. Balmy here, so the weather was good. I did not recognize one family. All the kids I used to know have grown up and moved on (including mine). Lots of folks drive to our neighborhood from downtown and trick or treat here. I was glad for less kids so I could do other things besides answer the door all night.

Meet some friends from my old job for breakfast this morning and that was good. I worked at my old job for 10 years and have been gone for 10 years. I am so glad I was able to keep in touch with them. I enjoy their company and we have some good memories.

She's so h e a v y...

So I went on my business trip 3 days after the wedding. After a full day of meetings we were expected to go to dinner with everyone. My colleagues were from all over the country, some I have met before and some I met for the first time that day.

Dinner was good, great food and I was feeling comfortable. As the waiter was clearing the dishes from dinner and asking who wanted dessert, one of my colleagues (who I had met before)pointed at me and said, "Ask her she has an eating disorder." I was mortified. This particular guy had been making lots of inappropriate cracks all day and evening, mostly so far out that they were outrageous. But now he was hitting me close to home. I didn't even know what he meant. Does he believe that anorexia was the only eating disorder there was and because I am heavy, it would be funny? I didn't laugh and I ignored him, but part of me wanted to say, "Yes, I do have an eating disorder and that is not funny." But of course I didn't and would not. He kind of looked at me waiting for me to say"something."

I felt bad that he did that, and remembered that is exactly why I don't like being with people socially because there is always talk of weight and losing weight and how uncomfortable it makes me. When I was younger, I was always made fun of or lectured at in social situations. It always made me angry and I guess I would just slither off into my room and cry and probably eat more because I felt so bad about myself.

This time I didn't have the feelings hit me in my core. I can't explain it other than to say, I was able to shrug it off and that made me feel like I had made some progress. Maybe a tougher skin, at last?

When I got back to work the next week there is a flier in my mail box about a weight loss program that they are doing at work and how they want everyone to join and it was based on a popular weight loss television show. My heart sank. I would never be comfortable trying to lose weight with my co-workers. I felt ashamed and I wanted to hide. No one out right asked me to participate, maybe they knew better. I did hear one male co-worker ask another female co-worker if she was going to join and I heard her get all insulted saying back to him, "Don't you know that you never ask a lady about her weight?" She is a young one who is very athletic and very thin. Why would he ask her?

Some people clearly don't need to lose one ounce, mostly the young females, but they are involved. Oh you know, it is all in the name of health, but there is nothing mentally healthy about it. At 8:00 A.M. one morning I had a co-worker singing a made up theme song about the show outside my door. When I got up to shut the door, he apologized. But I think he was apologizing for being so loud. Don't know.

We have more than one building on the campus. One building is not participating. In that building is a co-worker who has a child with a serious eating disorder and my co-worker has railed against such programs in the workplace. A couple of years ago when they tried to institute a weight loss program, she was very vocal about it and it was stopped. She said many staff members came to her expressing their discomfort. Some disclosed their own battles with eating disorders and did not want to have to come to work and have to listen to it all day long and feel self conscious when they were eating.

She is feeling bad for me that my building is promoting this, all in the name of team work commitment and health. She wants to go and talk to someone but not use my name. She said she was so upset she was crying about it. I felt so awful. I did not want her to be so upset for me. I am an adult and I feel I have to learn to deal with things that make me uncomfortable, or learn to advocate for myself. I don't know if there are others in my building who feel as uncomfortable as I do, as I would not be bringing it up. And if there are other people who are uncomfortable, is that reason enough to try to put an end to it when there are people who want to do it?

I hate feeling like this and I know if i was just normal with food, none of this would bother me. But I am not normal with food. I am a compulsive over eater who is not able to get a handle on it at this point in my life. Other times I have. But this issue has affected my life in a negative way since I was five years old. I am almost 60 and still the same issue. It is said that we make our own misery and I agree and I am sick of it.

Nuptials

Sunday, the weather was just beautiful and we were able to have the ceremony and cocktails outside just like we had hoped. Everything went so well. Better than I could have ever imagined. We all had so much fun. The dance floor was full most of the night.

The bride was smiling all night long. Everyone commented on how they never saw a bride smile so much. My son was pretty happy, too! They danced all night long as well.

Our guests were raving about the food, the flowers, and even the wait staff! I don't think we could have asked for anything better, things were just perfect.

My knee held up pretty well! I was on the dance floor just about the whole night, too! ME! With the bad knee. The next morning it was throbbing so I just went down to the hot tub and boy did that help me so much. I saw my massage therapist again on Tuesday for a Feldenkrais lesson and she said my muscles were unusually relaxed. So being happy and dancing is really relaxing!

I really tried to enjoy the wedding as it was happening and while it did go by fast, not so fast that the evening got away from us.

The DJ played a half hour longer than we planned because everyone was having a great time.

My cousin who had been so ill from chemo made it! And she looked great!

We are still on a wedding high and my sisters and I can't stop talking about it!

It is a beautiful day for a wedding!

Hotel lounge
Out door ceremonies done here.
View from Hotel Room

Still chillin'

I got up this morning to the smell of homemade pumpkin bread in the oven. The husband was up early and got busy in the kitchen. I am now enjoying a piece right out of the oven with a hot cup of tea. A perfect way to start an October morning.

Yesterday's massage was so relaxing. I haven't had one in a long while and I needed one. My massage therapist works on a 93 year old man who has been having massages once a week for the past 46 years. I would like to be able to schedule them weekly, but maybe I will start with once a month. I can't quite get to the place where I feel I would deserve them once a month, let alone once a week.

I am heading down to the hotel tonight to stay overnight. The bride and her mom will be there so we will have an opportunity to hang out and relax. But first I am off to get a manicure!

And closer

I took the day off today to spend some time with myself. I am going to get my hair trimmed, pack my suitcase for the weekend, and get a massage this afternoon. I am glad I decided to take the time. I usually give back all my personal time because I am so busy at work, but I am changing that this year!

It was a good news day yesterday. My father in law got out of intensive care a few days ago and is now in rehab and very motivated to work on his therapies. Although he can't be with us at the wedding it is a relief to know that he has improved so much and will be OK while we are there.

One of my relatives has been having terrible side effects to her chemo and coming to the wedding was not looking very good. She is doing much better and has full intention of coming on Sunday! Just to hear how much stronger she sounded on the phone last night made me so happy. We have always been very close and now she will be able to share our happy occasion.

We are keeping our eyes on the weather, if it is nice outside they will be getting married outside on the peer by the CT river. If the temperature is below 65 degrees they have to be inside because it will be too cool for the musical instruments. So we are asking for a nice sunny day with the temperature above 65 degrees.

Last night The Office TV show had Jim and Pam's wedding. I enjoyed the ending very much, the rest of it was outrageous as always but still had very comical moments.

Well, I could end up on this computer all day, but I want to really get stuff done, so I will check in tomorrow!

One week to go

One week from today will be my son's wedding day. It doesn't seem real to me. I know this week will fly by and so will the event. I am working on staying grounded, which is not easy for me. I am a high anxiety kind of person. So I am re- reading some of my books that remind me not to let my thoughts drive me crazy! I have a great deal of good advice at my fingertips, but it is putting it all into practice that is the challenge!

Two days after the wedding I have to go to Delaware for a work meeting with all the people who do my job in our programs around the country. We all were asked to make presentations. I do not enjoy these types of event at all. My retired husband offered to drive me down there, which I am so grateful for! He will go off and take photographs and sight see while I am working.

It will be a long day of presentations and then a dinner that we are required to attend. I have never been to Delaware, so that will be a new experience for me. I just wish it wasn't so close to the wedding. Too much for me to have on my mind for the same week. This old brain can't take so many things pending.

For sure

My father in law is in the hospital again in a step down intensive care unit. Looks like he won't be able to make the wedding. We don't know how long he will be in the hospital, but he will most likely need to go to rehab after his stay there, if they can get him stabilized. We weren't sure that he could handle the wedding, but my mother in law felt he should be there if he could, so we were just playing it by ear. Now we know he will be safe in the hospital or rehab and my 89 year old mother in law will be able to have an evening not worrying about him. I know it will be sad for her not to have him there, as it will be for all of us.

My 89 year old father decided that he could not make the wedding as well due to his health problems. We were able to get a companion to stay with him for the evening. She will stay until he goes to bed, and then he will have an hour or so alone until my mom arrives home. I have tried to talk to him about coming. We all believe it is doable for him, but he just is too afraid to leave the house now. He resists any creative solutions to his problems(wheel chair, scooter, etc.). If he can't function like he used to, he just doesn't want to do it. It was just making him mad when we came up with more plans. " I know how I feel," he would snap at tell me.

I know we need to respect how he feels, we were just trying to help him to enjoy life some.while he still can. He has become so rigid with his thinking, which I know comes with just being 89! But we are all sad he won't be with us that day as well.

So the grandmas will be there alone, and the grandsons will be escorting them in for the introductions.

One of my cousins was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. She has been having some serious reactions to the chemo and had to miss the bridal shower. She finally finished her chemo, but still is dealing with the side effects.We are hoping she will be able to attend the wedding, but she won't really know until that day. We so want her to be there, and she is so anxious to get back to living her life. I keep her in my thoughts and prayers and just want her to get well again.

People who can not be there in person due to illness or old age will be there in spirit because we are all connected in one loving heart, and that is one thing I know for sure.

Getting closer

My son's wedding is in two weeks. I can't believe it is so close. I am excited and nervous as well. I was thinking back to my own wedding day and how I did not have one bit of anxiety. I got up that morning and played my favorite music on the stereo and just sang my heart out while I was getting ready. I was so happy. My mother could not understand how I could be so calm, but I was so sure of our relationship and felt nothing but excitement. Well, fast forward 34 years and even though it has been a great deal of hard work , I guess my instincts were good!

I believe my son and my future daughter in law are a good match, and trust that they will have a successful marriage as well.

Jetty - 3rd place

This weekend is the big Durham Fair weekend in our area. It is one of the biggest country fairs around and I have been going to it for many years. The past few years, we have been meeting up with some old friends from our high school days. All of us enter different competitions and then go around and check out how we have done. My husband and I do the photography, my friends do oil painting, woodworking, baking and herbs. It is a fun night and even better when the weather cooperates, like it did last night.

My husband and friends are more seasoned competitors and have won many ribbons over the years. This is only the second year I entered the photography category. I won an honorable mention and a third place for 2 of my digital photos, and I was quite excited! It is still fun to see the prints all displayed, even if I didn't win any ribbons. Many beautiful photos were ribbon-less, so I was in good company!

Art Show

The art show was a huge success! I can't explain what a surreal evening it was for my husband, and for me, too! When I walked into the gallery and saw all of his paintings displayed, I could not believe they were the same paintings that have been hanging in our house. The lighting brought them alive! At first I was overwhelmed, because I realized that hanging on the wall was our life. All the places we have gone together on vacation over the years. VT, The Cape, MA, Star Island, to name a few.

My husband only started to paint about 4 years ago. He had never even tried it before then. He has sure come a long way!

I was overwhelmed with the turn out of family and friends, all 77 of them! Amazing! The gallery was hopping. There was a jazz band playing and a dinner buffet as well. We went through 3 boxes of wine and lots of cheese and cracker and goodies!

I have posted a few of the favorites. They were hard to photograph due to the bright lights shining on them, but I did my best. The most amazing thing of all was that he sold 4 paintings! He was just amazed, grateful, and very humble, if I do say so myself. It was truly one of the most exciting evenings we have ever had and life changing in many ways!

Odds and ends

I put in to take today off as a personal day thinking I would make Pizzelles for the bridal shower on Saturday. I was remembering how my grandmother and her friends would get together and make Italian cookies for all the showers and wanted to carry on the tradition. But this personal day has turned into a sick day. I have a miserable cold and I am sneezing, coughing, and my head is all stuffed up. I am trying to take it easy today. I am on my inhalers, using the shower soothers, and taking Cold-Eeze. Usually all of these remedies work pretty fast with me, but I don't think I started soon enough.

So I totally over did it, after saying I wouldn't. Well, there was so much to do and so much running around just in getting the centerpieces for the tables. I had decided on mums. But the first batch I bought were too small. So I bought bigger ones. Then I was going to wrap the pots in fall colored floral paper. I thought that would be easy to find. Guess again! I could only find a bright gold and it didn't match. So next I was going to buy terracotta pots and put them all in them as the sales lady did at the store. She just threw a shower and said how beautiful they looked. At the first bridal shower my daughter in laws mother used the Terra cotta pots so I also didn't want to copy her. I didn't have the energy to go back to Micheal's to get the pots , anyway. I had some baskets that I was going to use for the other mums, but the baskets were too big. So I tried them out with my newly purchased mums and they looked great. I brought the basket to the garden shop and showed the sales lady and she loved the look. But I still needed a couple more baskets, so off to get those. I don't do anything the easy way, because I never know what I am doing and what I need.

So by putting them in the baskets, I was saved of the work of transplanting them into the pots. Yeah!

So tomorrow night is the big art opening for the husband. I am amazed at the response he is getting from friends, work colleagues, my work colleagues, and family. Even family who were invited to the shower the very next day. I am kind of nervous for him, but I think he will do fine. I will take photos for sure!

Update

Labor day weekend. No barbecue plans. I should have had a cook out here, but with my husband's art show next Friday night and the bridal shower I am throwing next Saturday, I didn't want to think about having to host another event! So I am trying to prepare for the big weekend and have a zillion things to do yet.

The local paper did a nice article and color photo of the husband and his opening. If everyone who says they are coming come, then we should have a nice crowd. I want to enjoy next weekend and not get so stressed out about it. We are going to be seeing so many family and friends and to me nothing is better, so I am trying to calm down and remember to ENJOY. Fun times go so fast.

Last night we went out with some friends to a local winery and that was fun. Today after a dip in the pool (finally warm enough to swim again) and all of my errands, we took a ride down to the shoreline for a seafood dinner. Pleasant evening.

Wedding is now almost a month away. We are still trying to find someone to stay over night with my dad and he is still telling us he doesn't want anyone there. I will try to talk to him tomorrow, and try to make him understand that as hard as it is, it isn't his choice.

Friday night is alright

All of a sudden the weather has changed and it was cold and rainy today. I guess we can't complain too much because we had a nice stretch of clear and warm weather. I don't like hot weather, but I do enjoy using our pool when the water warms up so much. I think I was in my pool every day for one hour for about 3 and a half weeks straight. I enjoy mostly making whirlpools. Nothing is more soothing to me than swimming around in circles and making a strong whirlpool that will carry me when I want to float.

All of our staff started back at school this week for professional development and the first day is Tuesday for the students. Summer slows down for me at work and that was nice, so I have been easing into the fall schedule. My job is changing this year and I am not sure how it will all pan out and how satisfied I will be, so I am going to really try to keep tabs on it. I want to take on one more job before I retire and I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do.

I felt good this summer, the best I have felt in a long time. I was busy with wedding/shower planning so I had lots to do, but I was grateful my knee was holding up as I was running around the malls. For awhile there I could not walk around a mall because of the pain. So to be active again and be able to do something like shop at the mall which many people take for granted made me feel on top of the world. I was walking from one end of the mall to the other!

My Feldenkrais practitioner said that I was a different person coming in every week. I was happier more relaxed and my body was more flexible. I am hoping I can keep it up. I felt as though I was coming out of a fog. I think just being out in the sunlight was making me happy as well. I had been pretty cooped up all winter, taking to the couch after supper and falling asleep most nights. As my work load picks up again, I need to be sure that I work harder to find balance in my life.

My husband is having his very first art show in 2 weeks. He was interviewed by our local paper today and they sent a photographer out to the house to take his picture. He has only been painting for 3 and a half years and never thought that he would be taking up a second career as an artist. He is getting a great deal of attention from family and friends and it seems like the opening will be a lot of fun. I am happy for him and also a little envious of his retiree status and his new found career.

I have a baby shower tomorrow, a 60th birthday party on Sunday afternoon and tickets to see Kathy Griffin on Sunday night. So the weekend is jammed packed with FUN!

I am just finishing up reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert for the second time. I love that book and loved it more this time around. So I think I will end this post with a quote from the book: Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.

Busy

Last Sunday we went to the bridal shower for my future daughter in law given by her mom. It was great to finally meet the rest of her family and friends that we have heard so much about. We had a fabulous time. Since all of her family is out of state, we decided to have two showers so that people would not have to travel. The shower I am hosting for my side of the family is in a couple of weeks. I am very excited about it, but also a bit nervous. First time planning a bridal shower and there is so much to do and so many details. It is fun though.

My mother turned 84 years old on Tuesday. My sisters and I took her out to dinner at her favorite restaurant on that evening and today we have having a cake with the rest of the family. A couple of days after her birthday, she fell down and could not get up. My dad was in the house, but he was in the other room and could not hear her calls for help. She was able to crawl to a phone and call us. We in turn called my dad to inform him that she had fallen. He has the panic button on him and could have called for an ambulance, but she would not allow him to call because she was embarrassed.

So we jumped into the car and drove the 20 minutes up to their house only to find that a couple of minutes before we arrived she had crawled to a chair and got herself up. She looked awful when I saw her and was very shaken up. She didn't fall by losing her balance per say, but she went to sit on the bed and the bed is on wheels so it rolled away and she fell straight down to the floor instead of on the bed. A freaky accident.

She had hit her head on the night table when she fell down which was a big concern. But she would not allow us to call the doctor and refused to go. Hard to know when to completely take charge of the elders to force them into medical care. But this time I felt she would be OK as long as we kept checking in with her for the day. So we all took turns calling and visiting and she seemed to be OK.

Yesterday we had another early morning call from my son who was working up at the camp for children who have had heart surgery. He had slipped on the wet grass and fell down and smashed his foot into a concrete wall. His foot was all swollen and bruised and there was concern that it was broken. He was in too much pain to drive home. So again we jumped into the car and drove 2 and a half hours to pick him up before the camp closed. We picked him up and then stopped off for lunch at a wonderful new Irish pub and then drove the 2 and a half hours home. We took him to our local ER for x-rays and found that although badly bruised, his foot was not broken! That was good news, as he was so worried about how he could return to work with a broken foot. So hopefully, in a couple of days he go back to his job. They were so good to give him the time off to work at the heart camp, and he feels badly that he has to take off more time.

Just got some GOOD news from my mom. Our niece is pregnant. Nice to have the phone ring and get some good news for a change!

Laughing out loud

The other day a friend and I went to the beach. She is in the middle of a very complicated and serious family crisis and has been absolutely overwhelmed by the situation. Lately when I speak to her on the phone, all I can hear is anguish in her voice no matter what the topic. She was starting to scare me, because I knew she was being eaten alive about a situation she could not change and she needed to just take care of herself.

Now I am far from an expert in taking care of myself in some ways, but in other ways I manage fairly well. And isn't it always easier to recognize issues in other people than ourselves? So I had an idea in my head that I would try to suggest something outrageous to make her laugh about the situation and hopefully it would help relieve some anxieties for her (as well as interject my own problems and ease anxiety for me!)

I think I would lose a lot in the translation but my premeditated plan worked like a charm. I had her laughing and laughing and laughing about the situation and coming up with real solutions to the problems. In this state I was able to say things to her that I had been biting my tongue at for months! And she heard them and did not get mad! I laughed my head off right along with her.

So there we were, two old friends from as far back as junior high school, sitting on the beach with the ocean lapping in front of us and laughing so hard at times not being able to stop. Laughing about life and the unfair, complicated, stressful, and sad situations that we mortal humans must learn to cope with. Laughing so hard and so deep that it just cleaned out our souls. On top of that we treated ourselves out for both lunch and dinner!

One of my favorite vacation days yet. It is just the simple things that can make a day.

This is the last week of my staycation and I am trying to savor every minute of it! Last Friday night we had free tickets to see The Pretenders at our local musical theater. I was not familiar with their music but went along with the husband. The opening act was led by Juliette Lewis who was in Melissa' Ethridge's music video, Come to my Window, she also played the disable sister in the movie, The Other Sister and has been in numerous movies. She left it all to join a rock and roll band. She reminded me of a female Mick Jagger the way she moved her body on stage. The music was so loud that it is hard to hear the words, so it all sort of sounded the same to me.

Krissie Hyde and The Pretenders are best known for their song, Chain Gang. It was an evening out, but I really did not enjoy the music because I was not familiar with it. It is always fun to go to a concert with hopes that they will play my favorite song, so when I don't have any, I get bored.

Sunday night we had tickets for Dar Williams for the 3rd time this year. I love her music and never tire of seeing her. She put on a great show singing many of my favorite songs!

The past couple of days have been hot and humid around here, just perfect to hang out in our backyard pool and relax! Just love being home when this weather hits so we can get the most out of our pool. We have had it for 21 years and I am so grateful it is still standing.

Today my "baby" turns 25 years old! Hard to believe how quickly the time flew by. He wanted to go to a very popular pizza spot a couple of towns away from here, so we took him to lunch there and came home and hopped into the pool. The rest of the family is coming tonight for birthday cake.

My kind of day!

Fashion Emergencies

I didn't mention that when I tried on my dress for the wedding that I noticed a small dark stain on the front of the dress. I only had the dress on for a few minutes and did nothing but walk up and down the hallway with my new shoes on. I don't see how I could have done anything to cause a stain, so I figured it was from the store. Without thinking I went and got a cloth with cold water and tried to get the stain out. Then I had a huge water mark on the dress that did not seem to be drying. So I put the dress in front of the fan and hoped that would do the trick. Well, sort of... most of the ring dried by now I had another spot that would not leave.

After a week of fretting about it, I brought it to a cleaner and when I took it in the girl at the front desk told me there was nothing they could do and I would just have to wear it or buy another dress. My heart sank. But after she went on and on discouraging me, she decided to get the guy from the back who actually cleans the clothes. (why could she not do this first off?) He examined the stain and smiled a big smile as he picked up the dress and whisked it away. I admit I was nervous as he just took the dress and did not ask my permission to work on it, but all was well, because he just steamed it out and it is a good as new!

I only have to put it on one more time before the wedding to have it hemmed. I am not used to all this fancy smancy and I feel so nervous around that dress!

The shoe situation did not pan out too well. The shoes that I got that everyone deemed perfect for the dress had heels that were too high for me. My knees felt like they were literally breaking in half and the muscles on my hips were pained. After looking around for weeks for something better, I brought them to the shoemaker for a little experiment. He is cutting down the heel to a height that I can handle on other shoes. We don't know for sure how this will work, but he thought it was possible that it would be good. I have no idea. I also have a back up pair of very plain low heeled shoes.

I am concerned how I am going to get through this wedding without orthotics. (I usually wear orthoics and sneakers or some other study tie shoe). I am planning to keep crutches and a pair of sneakers in the car for absolute crisis control and Ibuprofen every 4-6 hours to keep the pain at bay. I am also getting some lubricant shots in my knee starting in a week, so hopefully those will help. But I do have to worry about not doing more damage.

Perhaps I can dance like Paula does on American Idol. You know how she just gets up from her chair and wiggles around in place waving her hands in the air. I want to have some fun! After all, it is my son's wedding!

Staycation

It feels like summer has finally arrived and just in time for my stay at home vacation. I have enjoyed may hours in the backyard pool that did not even get opened until the middle of July because of all the rainy weather!

I am home catching up with every day stuff and up to my head with bridal shower and wedding plans. The wedding is in October and it is just around the corner. Time just flew by and all of a sudden I realized I needed to get cracking!

I am planning a bridal shower for my future daughter in law for Sept 12. I ran around yesterday to IKEA and Christmas Tree shops looking for cute little gifts that I could use as prizes at the shower. I have been searching on -line for shower favors and some simple shower games. One time I went to a shower where they just set a timer and every time the timer went off a gift went to the person whose present the bride was opening. That seems easy!

In the middle of all the business of wedding plans, I decided to become an AVON representative, so I am trying to get that business off of the ground. I have always enjoyed their products and my AVON rep was no longer in town, so instead of trying to find a new one, I decided to give it a go myself. I probably should have waited until after the wedding because it sure takes time to start up a new business, but I wasn't thinking about how much I would have on my plate. I am glad I did it and will just go at my own pace which is what it is all about.

And on top of all of that, my now retired husband took up painting a couple of years ago and has been getting very good at it. He brought his portfolio down to a local art gallery and the guy offered him the opportunity to have an art show! The opening night will be the night before the bridal shower! The gallery was looking to fill that date so he needed to go with the flow.

So between new businness/ shower/wedding/art show that are all happening at around the same time, we are crazy busy, but all fun and good energy happenings!

Boy, you're going to carry that weight a long time

I started to gain weight at the age of 5 from what I can tell from my childhood pictures. I have never been a "normal" size since then, but have fluctuated a great deal over the years. I can't say I have tried every diet under the sun, because in most cases I wasn't interested in dieting. I know that sounds crazy considering what I just stated about myself, but I always felt I would do it "myself". I believed that there was a deep and dark unconscious reason for why I had weight issues. I thought if I had enough therapy and dug deep enough into my psyche I would experience that one ultimate light bulb moment that would free me from this affliction and the weight would melt off of me.

Well, I have had many breakthroughs regarding this issue and while sometimes it led me to manage my weight issues successfully, it did not last for long. Never long enough to get to"normal".

I never really understood what the word bullying meant when I was growing up and it wasn't until recently with all the attention of anti-bullying programs in schools that I came to terms with how much I was bullied as a youngster.

I have been slapped at the dinner table by "well meaning" relatives for taking too much food as a child, I have had obscenities yelled at me from passing cars as a teen-ager, and I was always made fun of in gym class when the nurse would broadcast our weight in front of everyone on weigh days. I was too passive and too much of a nice girl who followed all the rules to ever skip school on those gym days, or ever tell some one off, so I swallowed it all and then would eat over it. It became a cycle for me.

When I did begin to lose weight, people would make a really big deal out of it. I hated the attention. It always made me feel angry and sometimes full of rage to be complimented on my weight loss. I don't know exactly what the anger is about, and I would become so mad that I would just stop trying to lose. I know, I know, it only hurt me in the end. But I still have some of those feelings in me as well as many growing feelings of shame.

A few years back I was walking regularly and watching what I ate and I felt like I was on the right track. I even walked a 5 Mile K with the Oprah show (they filmed a walk in CT one year) when she was doing her whole theme on Moving with Oprah. But then all my feet and knee issues developed. I haven't been able to be as active and over the last few years I just gave up trying. I went back to many bad habits.

I thought my son's wedding would be motivating for me, but it hasn't. But these are my issues and I know there are many people out there who suffer from food addiction like I have all these years. I was very successful in Overeaters' Anonymous years ago, but lost motivation for that.

So that said, I am here to say that for me, I don't enjoy when people comment on my weight loss. I have been trying to be more active now that our pool is open and trying to control my food to get myself ready to make a commitment to myself. The other day at work someone asked me if I lost weight. As soon as I hear those words l feel the anger start to well up inside of me. Maybe it is just the anger of feeling so judged and ridiculed all those years growing up. I am afraid of what may come out of my mouth. But I try to be polite and also just brush it off. But she kept going on about it, now yelling about it across the yard. I just turned away and went inside. I know it was rude to do, but I was totally embarrassed. I was hoping she would not come after me and make it a bigger deal, but thank fully she did not.

I know lots of people especially women want to go on and on and complain about their bodies and their weight and society is more focused on it more than ever before. Most women enjoy being told they look thin or lost weight. Not me. I usually try to change the subject. Sometimes I avoid social situations when I know certain women will be there, the ones who think they have a weight problem and go on and on about it.

So I decided to try to write about it some. This is a huge for me to be posting a blog about something so personal and painful to me, but I know it is time to try to break through these barriers. I can't live like this anymore on so many levels.

John Lennon/Michael Jackson

On December 8, 1980 John Lennon was assassinated. I won't ever forget that day for many reasons. The first reason is that date is my husband's birthday. Another reason is that on the morning of Dec. 8, 1980 I woke up to the news on my clock radio. My eyes flew open when I heard the news and then I quickly closed them tight hoping to go back to sleep so I did not have to deal with the horrifying news.

After a few minutes, my husband whispered to me asking me if I was awake and knowing I had to face the shock, I told him I was awake and I heard the news, but I wanted to go back to sleep and pretend it didn't happen. I later remember sitting on the top of the stairs in our apartment and crying my eyes out. I did not understand why I was so emotional and how could I feel so strongly about a man that I had never met?

Later that day an older woman that I was friendly with called me to chat and when I spoke to her she immediately recognized that I was upset. She said that she had been listening to the news and saw all the Beatle fans on TV who were so distraught because of John's death. She said she dismissed them as silly and childish. But she knew me. I was a mature young woman with a new baby and if I was feeling so upset about John's passing then she felt that she had to rethink her opinion and try to understand.

All I knew is that I loved the Beatles since I was 11 years old, Paul was my favorite, and I was devastated that John had died. The Beatles music was the soundtrack of my life and I felt I had grown up with all of them, even though I never met them. Their impact on the culture and music was unsurpassed at that time.

I turned the news on that evening just to see if it would be mentioned on TV and low and behold, Walter Cronkite opened the CBS Evening News with the the story of a man and his guitar. It was then I knew that all that I was feeling was much bigger than myself.

The news of Michael Jackson's death has had me reflecting back to that day in 1980 when John died under those tragic circumstances. I first read on the Internet that Michael Jackson was in the hospital, then I took a ride down the street to the store. As I came home and got out of my vehicle, a car passed on my street playing Michael Jackson music, really loud. I knew at that moment that Michael was dead. I understood the outpouring from the fans, as I had experienced that so many years ago when John died.

I never considered myself a big Michael fan. When he as at his height, I was a married woman and working mom going to school and raising two young boys. I totally forgot that I actually owned the Thriller album, until I started hearing all of the old Jackson songs playing after Michael died. I was a fan and didn't even realize it.

I was a Top 40 girl and I have always loved music. When I liked a song or an album, I would sit by the record player and learn the words by heart and teach myself every lick. So that is what I did with the Thriller album as well. It was also a new age of MTV and I loved watching the videos and was drawn in by Michael's dancing. My sons were at the age where they were paying attention to what was going on in the pop world and they enjoyed the music and videos as well. A relative gave my son the Michael Jackson doll. When the song, "We are the World" came out I used to play it every day before work for inspiration. I had forgotten all about those times, they seem so very long ago.

The memories came flooding back to me as I watched the coverage of Michael's death and began to feel something. Again, feeling sad over a man I never met and concerned for his children that I don't even know.

Back in 1980 when John died, Yoko Ono, his wife called for 10 minutes of silence to honor John Lennon. I clearly remember thinking about how I wanted to spend those 10 minutes. I decided I wanted to spend it walking up the hill of my family's farm, my favorite place in the whole world. My husband and I took that 10 minute walk in silence, while all the TV and radio stations went off the air for 10 minutes. It was unheard of.

I had to work today, so I could not watch the MJ memorial service live. I actually hadn't given much thought to watching it, but when I came home I put the TV on right away only to catch the heart wrenching ending with his daughter Paris. Since then I have been watching all of the highlights on TV and will be glued to them for the evening. What an outstanding line up of performances, what a dignified and respectful service. I hope they repeat it in its entirety, as I am sorry I missed it.

It seems to me that nothing connects people together more than music. Music is a prayer. And where there is music, there is healing.

Weekend over

Nothing is better than a summer evening at home and hanging out in the back yard. Tonight I raked up the twigs under our huge oak tree and then the husband and I played some badminton. The yard was freshly mowed and smelling great. The cat was outside with us following us around like she was a dog. I love when she hangs out with us outside. It is a comforting feeling for some reason.

I had been waiting for this weekend for forever it seems. I so enjoyed the long, lazy three day weekend, but now it seems to have gone by way too fast. Friday night I went to the movies to see "UP" the new Disney movie. I loved the beginning of it, but got bored with the rest. The animation (or what ever they call it) was fantastic, it is amazing what they can do. The beginning of the story was so sad, but then for me the plot fizzled out. There wasn't really anything else my girlfriend and I wanted to see, so that was that.

The husband and I had nothing planned for the weekend and just caught up around the house, went to dinner, and visited with our families.

I am watching my Sunday night show, Looking for the Next Food Network star, then ironing and getting ready for the work week.

They say it's your birthday

It was my birthday on Wednesday, July 1. I have always been happy to have a summer birthday. We are usually away on Cape Cod for my birthday, but this year we didn't rent a place and I was home.

It was sort of a double celebration as it was the first day of my husband's early retirement. I took the day off from work and we spent the day together. We went to the beautiful CT hills and took photos, had a quiet lunch, and poked around in antique stores. Later we came home and my husband baked a cake and my sons and future daughter in law came over to spend the evening with me.

When I arrived home from our outing flowers were being delivered to me from my job. The are just beautiful. Big lilies and roses with a very nice note letting me know that they appreciate me. If that wasn't enough, they also gave me a generous gift certificate for dinner at an Italian restaurant in town the next day.

My husband surprised me with a new laptop! My old one was falling apart and barely usable. I am hoping to get back to blogging now that I have this new machine to work with. The kids all chipped in and got me tickets to see Kathy Griffin. She makes me laugh, even with her foul language. I would never spend the money to buy myself tickets to see her in person, but the kids figured I would be pleased to get the tickets. And right they were!

Family and work all made my birthday very special. At times I felt overwhelmed with everyone's generosity, but I sure appreciated it. It is nice to have a day to feel special. Most of all I am feeling very grateful to be able to say that I am another year older! I will never complain about birthdays, I love my birthday and I hope they just keep on coming!!

KarmaTube: Art From the Soul

KarmaTube: Art From the Soul

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This and that

I went to the knee doctor today. He confirmed that my knee is getting worse and I will need a knee replacement at some point. He said that I should hold out on having anymore surgery if I can. He feels I am sort of young for a knee replacement, because they don't last too long and I would have to get another one later on. He recommended lubricant shots to help with the pain and a new type of orthotic. I tried the shots a year ago and they did help some, so I will do those again.

I have been wearing orthotics for a long time now. They only fit into tie shoes that are not very attractive, but everyday I put them in because I know I will be sorry if I don't. Now he is saying I need a different kind and that the ones I have for my feet may be working against what I need for my knee. Hmmm... sort of makes sense, but I wonder why he didn't tell me that 2 years ago?

In other news so much is going on with our aging parents. Dad isn't doing so well since his last hospitalization. He is more confused at home and is weaker than ever. He still managed to plant his garden by sitting down on the seat of the walker. He spends most of his days outside trying to trap squirrels and chipmunks so they don't eat his vegetables. My husband has to take the animals for a ride down the street and let them go. It will be a losing battle. It isn't bad that he goes outside, but he sneaks out when mom runs to the store and that is so unsafe. He will not listen to anyone.

My in law had a biopsy the other day and we are waiting for news on that. I pray all is well for her sake.

And ah... the wedding of my older son grows closer. I think I had my first dream about the wedding last night.. sort of. It was a cross of the play West Side Story and the wedding. I was about to go on for the play and was so worried about remembering my lines. When I woke up, I was sure it was all wedding anxiety!

I bought my dress for the wedding and I am happy with it, but trying to find shoes is a night mare! I am determined to find comfortable and sensible shoes that will look half way decent! I have been wearing old lady shoes for so long, I have forgotten how to wear heels.

I miss my old self. I miss her quite a bit actually. In a few years who I am today will be my old self and this may be better than I will be then, so I had better appreciate the now. Does that make sense to anyone?

Meeting Dar

A couple of weekends ago we celebrated our 34 wedding anniversary. We decided no gifts to one another but did plan to go to a couple of concerts. The first concert was on Friday night at 10:00PM in the chapel of a university in the next town. The campus experienced a tragic murder a few weeks ago where one of the college students was gunned down as she worked in the college cafe and bookstore. She was being stalked by an acquaintance who found out where she went to school. Dar Williams, the folksinger, is an alumni from the school and came back to do a benefit concert in honor of the student and to raise money for her scholarship fund.

Dar performed there just back in March and we had a wonderful time, so we decided to go and see her again and support the cause. Since seeing Dar a couple of months ago, I had been playing her music almost daily and discovered a wonderful song called, The One Who Knows. My son and I decided that we would use the song for the mother and son dance. It was in my mind to be able to share that with Dar and I had considered trying to write or email her, but hadn't made the effort. So I was hoping that I would get to meet her that night and tell her. I felt it was a good omen when she closed the show by introducing the song saying that she does not usually sing the song for groups of college students, but that particular night since it was graduation weekend and the audience was full of parents she would sing...The One Who Knows.

I was so excited as I never heard her perform it live. Well, lo and behold, after the concert she came out and I did get to speak to her and tell her we had picked out that song for our mother and son dance. She said a couple of people had told her that they used the song, but it was for the father and daughter dance. We were the first, that she knew of, to use it for the mother and son dance. She then said that I had done a good job of raising my son if he was touched by that song. It made me feel good. Of course my husband was standing right next to me and I did not give him one ounce of credit! LoL. We both tried hard to raise our sons with a great deal of heart and tried to counter act all the macho hype that society tries to put onto men.

So it was very cool to tell Dar Williams that we were using the song, and so touching to hear her perform it. We were lucky we got to see her again so soon, although under such sad and tragic circumstances.

Saturday evening at the beach

Mother's Day Outing

Happy Mother's Day to all.

I spent yesterday with my sons. We visited and went out to eat for Mother's Day. Today was the the day to take my mother out for some fun, so my sister and I took my mom and my aunt to the casino. My state is well known now for the casinos that we have on two separate Indian Reservations. Gambling is bringing in a great deal of state revenue.

I don't enjoy the gambling too much, and I believe have only been to the casinos a couple of times. I allow myself to play the slot machine for a small amount of money and I usually lose it all within 10 or 15 minutes. Then I become bored. The stores there are very high end so I don't shop there. Today, I walked around for exercise and brought my camera along.

The elders really enjoy going and know their way around there like the back of their hands. They usually take bus trips down there, so they were very excited when we told them that we would like to take them today. Since my dad is in rehab, my mom was free to leave town for a few hours.

We all took a break after going our separate way and met up for lunch. We ended up going to Panera Bread because the elders wanted soup, but I was disappointed, I mean I can go to Panera Bread anytime at home. I was hoping to go to Hard Rock Cafe. But it was Mother's Day so it was mom's choice.

I brought books and magazines along with me so I would not become too bored, but I never read any. The day actually went by pretty fast, after I lost my money in the slot machine, with just walking and people watching. I thought it would be more crowded being Mother's Day and all, but it wasn't too bad. They are saying that with the economy the casinos are not as busy, but since I never go there I had nothing to compare it to.

It is kind of funny to watch everyone play those machines thinking they will hit it big. Our elders think they have the machines figured out and they believe some machines are better than others. Maybe, but for me, I might as well have thrown my money out of the window, because in the end that is just what it was like.